tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80505972024-03-07T21:55:02.736-05:00KEYS TO THE GAME.
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.Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.comBlogger475125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-46897889652454101702019-02-06T20:17:00.001-05:002019-02-06T20:17:34.409-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-27659341116879354862019-01-10T13:10:00.001-05:002019-01-10T13:10:59.145-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-11092974831817320492019-01-10T08:14:00.001-05:002019-01-10T08:14:37.099-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-54865313662052747362019-01-09T13:14:00.002-05:002019-01-09T13:14:30.832-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-14548941966530421352019-01-09T13:12:00.002-05:002019-01-09T13:12:09.669-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-79717246457964597902016-10-25T15:53:00.001-04:002016-10-25T16:07:00.310-04:00Kwalata Game Lodge Gauteng and Blue Crane, Pretoria<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-18448379338052234712016-08-31T11:58:00.001-04:002016-08-31T11:58:32.774-04:00Kori Bustard and Secretary Bird<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Kori Bustard, Ngorongoro National Park, Tanzania<br />
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Secretary Bird, Cambedoo National Park South Africa</div>
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-1845280833495734732016-08-30T11:56:00.002-04:002016-08-30T11:56:51.244-04:00Red-Billed Oxpecker,Red-Billed Oxpecker, on a White Rhino, Mkhaya Game Reserve, Swaziland<br />
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-56155576871090692016-01-18T08:25:00.003-05:002016-01-18T08:25:59.438-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-44608625522660061252013-11-01T09:00:00.001-04:002013-11-01T09:04:17.807-04:00SIC Tanzania Salutes the 2013 World Champion Red Sox<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-86268161604504079392013-10-29T21:50:00.002-04:002013-10-29T21:50:50.508-04:0010/30/2013 World Series Game 6--The Greatest Trick Jose Ever Pulled<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-411c2c84-070d-3d6c-0122-625f964e4c73" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME</span>.</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-411c2c84-070d-3d6c-0122-625f964e4c73" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<br /></div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">1. Two years ago, Jose referred to our Game 6 starter, John Derran Lackey, as his second most hated Red Sox of all time after Wil Cordero. This would have made him Jose’s most hated Red Sox that did not nearly murder his wife. (Note: Roger Clemens is in a different category. It’s hard to even think of him as a Red Sox any more.) This was not an exaggeration. Jose thought Lackey was a bad pitcher, a bad teammate and a bad guy. </span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Jose was wrong.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We now know for certain that Lackey is not a bad pitcher, that he was simply a victim of a bad injury. Similarly, we now know he is not a bad teammate. He had just fallen under the sway of Josh Beckett, who while a spectacular pitcher in his prime, is pretty clearly a jerk. And having found that Lackey is a good pitcher and a good teammate, Jose will simply jump to the conclusion that Lackey must me a good person too, and that all of the nastiness surrounding his divorce was taken out of context. Phew.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The Onion a few years ago, had a piece entitled “Superstitious John Lackey, has to build, destroy a luxury hotel before every start.” It’s a joke, of course, but like the best jokes, it kind of reflects the truth. Lackey may not destroy a hotel before his Game 6 start, but he destroyed, or at least appeared to destroy a team. The kicker is that now he’s rebuilt it, or at least he’s been a cornerstone of reconstruction, and Game 6 is his chance to lay that last capstone on the beautiful, bearded edifice of the 2013 Red Sox</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">2. Jose would like to publically thank wrestling legend The Iron Sheik for his offer to suplex tonight’s home plate umpire, Jim Joyce, and then to put Joyce in the camel clutch, break his back, and ultimately make Joyce the victim of crimes too graphic for discussion in a family blog.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">That said, Jose would like to remind the Sheik that suplexing referees is a violation of Fenway’s strict code of conduct, and that the Sheik would be better served by express his displeasure with the umpire through well-established socially acceptable channels such as booing, hissing, or hitting him with a whiskey bottle.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">3. A few hours before Game 5, Jose recieved a message on his Facepage from a guy he’s known, though not terribly well, since middle school. Here’s the note</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“"Holy shit... You're Jose Melendez... That's awesome... Part of me wants to ask you for the 500+ hours back that I've spent reading your keys... But that's not right, since the keys are awesome... So... Thanks for the keys, Jose"”</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">There are a number of things that are interesting about this message. First, if he spent 500+ hours reading KEYS, shouldn’t he know that it’s capitalized? Second, as another friend asked, did this guy really take 500 hours to read KEYS and if so, was he a little… slow?</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“This is a job for arithmetic!” thought Jose. So Jose did a little rough calculation (Note: Thanks to SARR Society for American Reading Research) to figure this one out. Jose once estimated that he wrote about 150,000 words per year. Since he wrote KEYS actively for four years, that gives us 600,000 words. To provide some context, that puts the whole of KEYS at slightly longer than War and Peace which checks in somewhere between 560K and 590K, but leaves it much shorter than Proust’s In Search of Lost Time, which is about 1.2 million.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">If one assumes that the average American reads about 300 word per minute, that gives a result of 2,000 minutes, or thirty-three hours and 20 minutes to get through KEYS in its entirety. So yes, Jose’s friend is a slow reader--like a Molina on the basepaths slow.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But none of that changes the fact that it was fundamentally cool to get a message from someone who was amazed by Jose’s secret identity. It’s happened a few times before, and it never gets old. A friend of a friend, who discovered Jose’s identity once described it as finding out that your friend Peter Parker is actually Spider-Man. Another time, long after Jose had retired, he was doing his taxes online one evening, and a friend of his roommate’s saw the KEYS sticker on Jose’s computer.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Do you read that blog?” the fellow asked.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Jose IS that blog,” Jose responded.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Jose imagines that being actually famous is better, but there’s something to be said for surprising people. Sure being, David Ortiz has got to be amazing, but imagine for a moment that David Ortiz was only his baseball persona, that behind the home runs and heroics was some mere mortal.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Here’s the scene: You’re at a dinner party with the humdrum acquaintances of some friend. After your fourth cup of wine. (Note: maybe it’s Passover?) You casually mention your love of baseball.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Do you know what I’m rather fond of?” you say. “The baseball matches. I find them smashing!” (Note: You are an English aristocrat for some reason)</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Suddenly, the fellow to your right says, “Why you know, I play baseball!”</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Really?” you reply. “Perhaps I’ve heard of you.” You say with a mixture of politesse and disdain. You are sure you have not heard of him. If this spectacled geek is a baseball player, it is probably in the Frontier League or something, but you are nothing if not polite (note: again, English and all).</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Perhaps, indeed!” responds your new chum. “I play under the nom de guerre of “David Ortiz.”</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Your jaw drops. You feel faint. He must be lying. He has to be. David Ortiz doesn’t wear glasses? This guy wears glasses!</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Quite…” you respond, trying to keep your cool.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">“Indeed,” responds Ortiz. “I am quite the bad motherfucker.”</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">See that would be cool right? This is Jose’s life.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">So on the occasion of this hopefully final game of the 2013 baseball season and end of Jose’s comeback. Jose would like to take off the proverbial glasses for a moment and tell you who he truly is.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Ready.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Jose is…</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Cartman’s father. No wait, wrong reveal.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Jose is David Ortiz.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s a Keyser Soze moment, right? You see all of the pieces adding up now don’t you?. The little fragments of 600,000 words of obfuscation and misdirection coming together like a jigsaw puzzle.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">How do you think he got the inside scoop on the dugout huddle? How come Jose only showed up in 2004? (Note: Jose/David was shy his first year in town) Why did Jose hate Dan Shaughnessy so much? Why did Jose always taken it easy on Manny?</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The greatest trick Jose Melendez ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. </span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And like that, poof. </span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">He's gone.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-91436447883447027472013-10-28T12:22:00.002-04:002013-10-28T12:22:57.622-04:0010/28/2013 World Series Game 5--Ortiz Explains It All<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1. The turning point of last night’s game came when David Ortiz huddled together his teammates and gave them an inspirational speech. Jose has the transcript.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: This is our f’ing city.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pedroia: No, this is St. Louis. I think we might be in trouble if we can’t start hitting.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: “My parents always told me to stay away from trouble. When I moved away from them at a young age, I was fine because they taught me how to do everything right.”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saltalamacchia: I get that you can stay away from trouble, but what about me? I just feel so useless.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: Everybody has a responsibility in this game. Even the batboy.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gomes: I’m gonna get up soon Papi, what should I do?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: Swing hard all the time. That’s what I’ve done my whole life—hit.”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Saltalamacchia: But following up,if my responsibility is only as big as the bat boy’s, I’m thinking about giving up.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: What happened to me should teach everybody that you should never give up on anybody.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Berry: Papi, I’m still kind of new here and I find you intimidating. Is it fair to say that you’re a little mean?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: Some people think I'm mean, until they get to know me.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nava: Are you a robot?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz :I’m very mechanical, so if I have one thing that’s going in the wrong direction when I’m hitting, it’s hard for me to get a hit.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nava: So that’s a yes?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: I just try to put a good swing on the ball. That's about it.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Drew: Do you ever hear voices? I might hear voices.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: I can hear people screaming and wishing you the best.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Drew: Wishing ME the best?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: Life is a challenge that you need. There's things in life that are going to throw you into the ground, but if you learn how to get up, that means you are not a quitter.”</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Carp: So are you going to swing hard on this next at bat?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ortiz: I just swing hard in case I hit it -- that's it</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So you can see that it was more a Q&A than a pep talk but clearly it got the job done. (Note: All David Ortiz lines taken (out of context) from actual David Ortiz quotes. All comments by other members of the Red Sox are totally what they probably said.)</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">2. Jonny Gomes heroism last night lead Jose to inquire into his background a little bit in hopes of learning more about the man without an “h” before he caught the nation’s eye as a Devil Ray. Specifically, Jose was hoping to discover that Gomes was of hispanic heritage and that by pronouncing his name Gomes (note: rhymes with “gnomes”) instead of Gomes (note: rhymes with “no fez” --thank Ataturk!) he had somehow pulled a heel turn on his hispanic heritage and that might be fun to joke about. Ideally, Jose would have told a story about how when he was a kid, he and his friends had their own series of wrestling leagues (Middle East Wrestling, Ivory Coast Championship Wrestling, Southeast Asian World Class Wrestling, and so on) each of which had an elaborate cast of heroes, like the Fontaine Brothers, Tashu the Bloody Dragon and Cool Ultimatum and villains like Iran John, Soldier of Fortune and The Dean. Among the most malevolent of the villains was a one time heroic American Indian wrestler named Chief Brave Arrow. But the Chief turned on his fans and his people, rebranding himself as “Chif Braveiro” an anti-Indian bigot, who would march to the ring with a (note: imaginary) sign reading “Indians Suck.” </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He was so evil.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So Jose was sort of imaging that maybe Gomes was that kind of villain turning on his heritage, not because Jose would approve of anyone turning his back on his heritage, but because, well, Jose isn’t stretched out and writing three KEYS for a third day in a row is kind of killing him.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anyway, it turns out that Gomes is of Portuguese heritage, and Jose has no idea how the Portuguese pronounce Gomes. To him Portuguese sounds like Russians speaking Spanish.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But Jose does know a few things about the Portuguese, having visited Lisbon this summer and having spent a lot of time in and around New Bedford, a few of which might help explain Gomes heroic performance last night. For instance, kale soup is very popular with Portuguese-Americans and it is regularly marketed as a “super vegetable.” It seems like eating a super vegetable would help one hit the ball a long way. </span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another useful fact is…</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No, actually kale is all Jose’s got.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">3. Jose understands that Cardinals fans must be furious at Coltan Wong for getting picked off to end Game 4 with Carlos Beltran at the plate, but Jose thinks they are failing to see the big picture.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Don’t they know that little bits of coltan are in every cell phone and that long horrific wars have been fought in Congo over who gets to control this guy?</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">People in St. Louis need to read a newspaper every once in a while.</span></div>
<br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</span>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-55767632148446138472013-10-27T14:49:00.002-04:002013-10-27T14:49:10.220-04:0010/27/04 World Series Game 5-- All This Has Happened Before<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-211e5d2c-fb3e-68e3-81d6-6f809c67fdca" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">1. Everyone needs to chill the f-- out.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">EVERYONE.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You act like this has never happened before. Have you really never seen the company screw the ugly, inelegant, blue collar upstarts to try to preserve the dominance of the clean cut pretty boys who “look the right way,” “play the right way,” and represent the business with “class?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Dear God, it’s like you’ve never even watched pro wrestling before. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Look, what we saw last night, an exciting game end in controversy is just what they do to amp up the tension and extend the story line. Jose has seen it a million times before. Hell, the WWF is doing it right now.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Let Jose know if this sounds familiar.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">There’s a wrestler named Daniel Bryan, he’s undersized and spend years toiling in the independent federations doing great work while only the most diehard of diehards noticed. Now he’s on the big stage and he’s doing great. He’s terrific at his sport and the fans love him. But his adversaries? They dismiss him and ridicule him. They also zero in on his long scraggly beard and compare him to a goat. Despite all of these obstacles, Bryan works himself into the championship picture and he keeps winning matches to get the title. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Now those of you who don’t follow the squared circle are probably wondering “What do you mean ‘keeps winning matches to get the title?’ Shouldn’t he win one match and then just defend the title?” Well, sure, if league management wasn’t out to get him. The WWF ownership, the sinister McMahon family (Note: Stephanie McMahon--the most distinguished member of Jose’s 1998 graduating class at BU) keeps intervening to thwart Bryan. They think he’s too small, too unkempt, too unsophisticated and too uncouth to be the face of the company, so they use all the tricks in the book to keep Bryan from carrying the strap, crooked referees, impromptu matches, etc. And every time Bryan wins the title, they invalidate it on a technicality. The champion that the McMahons would prefer to have is Randy Orton, a clean cut, utterly personalityless grappler from--ready for this --St. Louis.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And tonight October 27, 2013, the ninth anniversary of the Red Sox claiming the title for the first time in 86 years, Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton will be fighting for the vacant WWF title in a cage (note: technically a cell, since it has a roof) with Jim Joyce… errr….. Shawn Michaels as the special guest (read: crooked) referee. Jose imagines Orton will win the title on an obstruction call.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But here’s the thing-- though the odds are against him, though the game is literally rigged, in the sense that people write down what is going to happen, Bryan, through will, through skill, through sheer force of personality is going make them, sooner or later, script out an ending where he comes out on top.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And if Daniel Bryan can win a championship in a sport that’s literally rigged, don’t you think his bearded brothers in Boston can win a championship in a sport that’s only figuratively rigged?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Any Bryan fan knows the answer… YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">2. Since umpire James Joyce, made the critical call in last night’s game, Jose thought that he would take a look at the umpire/author’s work and see if they could provide any insight into his decisions, and unbelievably, Jose found two quote that provide both insight into last night’s game and into Joyce’s famously dense writings.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The first is “A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Fair enough. It’s really just common sense elegantly worded, but, in this series where all three games have been determined by sloppiness, Jose is hoping that it will ring in the minds of those makers of errors in tonight’s game. Salty, one might hope, has learned not to throw the ball away in an ill advised effort to get a runner at third with the best reliever in baseball on the mound and two outs. Farrell, has perhaps discovered, that the ninth inning of a World Series game is not the best time to give a pitcher his first career at bat. And Joyce himself, wherever he stands tonight, would do well to make some portals of discovery of his own.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The second quote is downright eerie. “Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Seriously. That’s a real James Joyce quote.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">James Joyce wrote those words in </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Ulysses</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"> sometime between 1918 and 1922. He literally declared that he was going to make that call 90+ years ago and then went ahead and made it.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">This is why Jose hates literature. Except for Goethe. Because Goethe made Jose’s poem about Fausto Carmona possible. So Jose turns to Goethe for solace and counsel on this dark day, and urges us to remember that “In the realm of ideas everything depends on enthusiasm… in the real world all rests on perseverance.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">3. Everyone from Massachusetts knows the old rhyme about the city of Lynn</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lynn, Lynn city of sin,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Never go out the way you came in.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">So Jose has taken it upon himself to write a few couplets along these lines about St. Louis starter Lance Lynn.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, where to begin?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You’re taking the mound to the Cardinals chagrin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, where have you been?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Glued to the bench, with a cup of sloe gin?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, pick up the win?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Not in Game 4, cause your curveball won’t spin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, wipe off that grin!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">When you’re on the mound, they are all Tony Gwynn.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, you’re kind of a akin,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">To Mitt Romney, in that you are not gonna win.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, pitch up and in?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Plunk Victorino, but not on the chin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, it’s really a sin</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">To see your career going straight in the bin.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, you’re stuck in your skin,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">You are who you are and it’s not Tom Glavine.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Lance Lynn, can you hear o’er the din,</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s playing for you, it’s a sad violin.</span></div>
<br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</span>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-3303054067735087212013-10-25T22:17:00.001-04:002013-10-25T22:39:59.826-04:0010/26/2013 World Series Game 3--Lost and Found<div dir="ltr" id="docs-internal-guid-55e21a40-f28c-7be6-9996-edc96ca33ec8" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">1. Jose Melendez’s long disappearance is in no way unprecedented. He is just the latest of a long line of men, some great, some terrible, and most utterly without distinction, to disappear into the African continent. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Yes, Jose returned to these pages from time to time after he first set foot south of the Sahara on the balmy Christmas Night of 2007. He would go through the familiar rituals of pecking at the keys and typing out the KEYS when circumstance or his own commitment to the strange juju of the Red Sox fan demanded it. To prime a playoff game or to halt a long losing streak, he would go through the charade of being the man he used to pretend to be.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But always there was Africa.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The delight, the passion Jose had once found not only for the game of baseball but for writing, in his own analytically invalid way, about the game of baseball, was gone. And instead of dreams of heroes of the diamond, his nights were tortured and titillated with visions of vast savannahs, dry red earth, and so many of the other cliches to which would be Africanists inevitably succumb.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">And then he was gone, lost, seemingly forever, to four long baseball seasons in a land without pitchers, without catchers, without the sweet rhythms of balls following strikes.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">He was, a modern day Livingstone, gone into the interior, more a mission than a man.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">It must seem haughty, Jose imagines, to see him compare himself to one of history’s great men, but the parallels between Jose and Dr. Livingstone are impossible to ignore. Jose is his equal, if not his superior, in the sense that Jose has been vaccinated for typhoid. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We have converted the same number of people to Christianity--zero. (Note: Technically, Livingstone converted one, but the African, a man named Sechele, converted back. So it doesn’t count.) We both abhor slavery. And neither of us has ever been in Cliff Clavin’s kitchen. We even share a belief system based on three Cs. Christianity, Civilization and Commerce for Livingstone. Catching, Clutch hitting and Cool Ranch Doritos for Jose. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But most importantly we were both lost… and we were both found.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Livingstone, as is well known, was found by a man who went by the name of Henry Morton Stanley. Jose says “went by” because it was not his real name. (Note: Hmmmm… Jose has something in common with Stanley too!) Stanley, a Welshman, an American, a charlatan, a hat inventor, and a veteran of both sides in the U.S. Civil War, trudged a third of the way across a continent to find Livingstone, and bring him back to the Swahili Coast. Jose, as modern Livingstone, was inevitably found by the modern Stanley--The Boston Red Sox. Stanley and the Red Sox also share many commonalities right down to their questionable racial history and interest in funny hats. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But the Red Sox have succeeded--today--where Stanley failed. Stanley brought word of Livingstone back to the West, but left the man, stubborn and ill, in the jungles of what is now Tanzania. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">The Red Sox, on this third day of the World Series, have succeeded. They have brought Jose back from Africa. Back to the land of the ball and the strike. Back to the crack of the bat and the roar of the crowd. Back to peanuts and cracker jack. Back to the ballpark where he finds that while much has changed, Dustin Pedroia and Jacoby Ellsbury and Jon Lester, and Big Papi, Big Papi, BIG PAPI are right where he left them. And Jose, the man who was lost but now is found, reverses Stanley famous salutation, and asks SoSH, asks Boston, asks the Red Sox themselves--RED SOX NATION, JOSE PRESUMES?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">2. But Jose, has left some things in Africa. Most notably his shiny new wife. Fun story about her. At Jose’s wedding, they decided to have a ceremonial first pitch instead of throwing a bouquet or garter or whatever, because baseball is sexier, more romantic and more aesthetically pleasing than any of that stuff. But there was an outstanding question of who would pitch and who would catch. (Note: Jose can see you making the wisecracks about transgressive gender roles right now, and he says stop it. Baseball is a metaphor for life, politics, finance, international affairs, art, metaphysics, Newton’s first and third laws but not the second, breakfast, man’s eternal struggle against nature and the decline of the Roman Empire--but it is NOT a metaphor for sex.) </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">We went with the bride as the pitcher because, quite frankly, Jose has the yips. The yips, for those of you who are reading this despite not knowing anything about baseball, is the condition where a player becomes unable to make even routine throws for a psychological reason. It is known to have a sudden, perhaps even inexplicable onset. In Jose’s case it started mysteriously 37 years ago sometime between his birth and the cutting of his umbilical cord. Anyway, if Jose had thrown out the first pitch, there is a very real chance that the first act of Jose’s marriage would have been to bean a guest. On the other hand, Jose can only throw 50 mph (note: still the fastest in the Melendez family!), so it probably wouldn’t have done much damage. Anyway the bride threw a strike, which makes her both a wonderful wife and a better pitcher than Franklin Morales.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But she’s still in Africa, Malawi to be specific, where there is no one to talk baseball with save this one Malawian guy who is, inexplicably, a hard core fan of the St. Louis Cardinals. Also he speaks fluent Finnish. So for the sake of Jose’s wife not having to listen to a Malawian guy trash talk her in Finnish for the next year, LET’S GO SOX.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">3. So with all of the African exploration and wedding reminiscence out of the way, let’s get down to the actual analysis of these two teams and this series which, as long time KEYS readers will know, is not really Jose’s strong suit.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Initially when Jose looked at this series, he had to reluctantly pick the Cardinals.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">But then he found out that Trevor Rosenthal isn’t Jewish, so really it’s anyone’s game. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Jose originally just assumed that Rosenthal was Jewish and that naturally it would give the Cards an edge over a painfully goyische Boston squad, but then Jose discovered that Rosenthal’s first name was Trevor, which naturally raised suspicions, what with even Christian being a more Jewish name than Trevor.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">Upon doing some additional research, Jose discovered that Trevor once told ESPN “My dad is an attorney, and he gets invited to bar mitzvahs all the time." Which frankly plays on a vicious stereotype and gets some things seriously wrong about jewish culture. Yes, many Jews are attorneys (note: though many others are employed in non-stereotypically jewish professions such as construction worker and British person. Seriously, Jose met this guy with a British accent and he was Jewish! Crazy world!), but Jews also know better than to invite an attorney to a wedding, bar mitzvah or casual household gathering, unless it’s someone who must absolutely be invited like a family member. The reason, of course, is that lawyers are notoriously litigious and may be tempted to sue you if they slip and fall or see their child grab an electric fence.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</span></div>
Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-47875930886597755492013-07-29T09:24:00.002-04:002013-07-29T09:24:42.042-04:00One more snap<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibrJeDPa0FDzGRo1ILpAW0x7eQKQ82P832DE3n8IHgTzhPjovsFVRsQLRbMrtEWbyyrnU425JGRHFu8wsJsNIew9MZ-64boazWV2l5v2dNd2wBdCZWyMZK12XXQ24KXGpU0Xmakg/s1600/74052_10151811526639359_61405118_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibrJeDPa0FDzGRo1ILpAW0x7eQKQ82P832DE3n8IHgTzhPjovsFVRsQLRbMrtEWbyyrnU425JGRHFu8wsJsNIew9MZ-64boazWV2l5v2dNd2wBdCZWyMZK12XXQ24KXGpU0Xmakg/s640/74052_10151811526639359_61405118_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-37405667011186568102013-07-28T18:15:00.003-04:002013-07-28T18:15:39.992-04:00More Truck Art<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-12256750026712621412013-06-05T10:20:00.001-04:002013-06-05T10:20:17.969-04:00THE RED SOX AIDS TRUCK<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqTs04k9khg18rEZEKOkXE4HoKERcJ0VeZbnhHX0bKeIGfHc2JWnAPthx8iJ66RRi_yZDEq7xrdAKrCGWizi6JeyX-7YF8E_xcPsE41LI7r64M_hW00RCqNG65aESJvCkX2wYgTw/s1600/Red+Sox+Cruiser.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqTs04k9khg18rEZEKOkXE4HoKERcJ0VeZbnhHX0bKeIGfHc2JWnAPthx8iJ66RRi_yZDEq7xrdAKrCGWizi6JeyX-7YF8E_xcPsE41LI7r64M_hW00RCqNG65aESJvCkX2wYgTw/s640/Red+Sox+Cruiser.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-51145101761423313362013-02-25T14:03:00.002-05:002013-02-25T14:03:14.991-05:00Truck Art 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-73389516477999953472013-02-04T12:17:00.000-05:002013-02-04T12:17:02.310-05:00Potential Truck Art<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtl0jjLvR0zVunknuSlTLSdZalTNd_9_Ov5ydrwfvFfzACOewf6krdHTD-_Q4fdOrpRB76fIYFkYYcDwxkqcTueMUSW4ZokxTFj7rHtGdzbhdU7SYk8Lb1X_ZGr64HYbCHlNsIew/s1600/redsox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="353" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtl0jjLvR0zVunknuSlTLSdZalTNd_9_Ov5ydrwfvFfzACOewf6krdHTD-_Q4fdOrpRB76fIYFkYYcDwxkqcTueMUSW4ZokxTFj7rHtGdzbhdU7SYk8Lb1X_ZGr64HYbCHlNsIew/s640/redsox.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-31752877376684068852012-06-25T00:39:00.000-04:002012-06-25T00:39:01.909-04:00Let's Fight AIDS with Baseball (And Money)<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO FIGHTING HIV/AIDS.</div>
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<ol style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">1. Oh… hi
there…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m Jose Melendez.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might remember me as a whimsical
blogger from such championship seasons as 2004 and 2007.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d like to drop the silliness, the
third person and the outdated references to Cesar Crespo for a moment and
focus on an issue that is really important to me.
</ol>
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<br /></div>
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Did you know that in Africa, every…
let’s say 30 seconds, a child is born who will suffer a life of deprivation… </div>
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<br /></div>
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Yes, every day across the African continent
thousands of children come into the world who will never know that there is a
game called baseball, much less that the Red Sox are good and the Yankees are
evil.</div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s heartbreaking isn’t it?</div>
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<br /></div>
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It makes you feel powerless? Like
you wish there were something you could do?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Well now there is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can join me and all your SoSH friends in
making a contribution to the fight against the scourge of baseball
ignorance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, your contribution will
fight HIV/AIDS, which I understand is also a problem of some kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://youtu.be/G4led0_nE0s">Watch this video and learn how SoSH can fightHIV/AIDS.</a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
SoSH is partnering with Support for
International Change (SIC), an internationally registered charity, to raise
money for the SoSH Tags AIDS Truck Service, or STATS, a rugged vehicle that
will be able to trek up the tough, muddy roads around Arusha, Tanzania and into
rural villages to provide HIV testing and education and show how awesome the
Red Sox are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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All we need is to raise
$40,000.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, I know that’s not a lot
of money to Jon Lackey, but to a small charity in rural Tanzania and the people
it serves it can make all the difference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To learn the details of SIC’s work and review their annual reports and
accountability ratings visit their Web site here <span style="font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">http://sichange.org/get-involved/sosh/.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Today, SIC’s ability to work in
rural villages is compromised by its reliance on vehicles that are kind of like
Alex Rodriguez—old, broken down and costly to maintain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These clunkers make it nearly impossible to
get out to the villages where people need education and testing the most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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The STATS will solve this problem
instantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally, the STATS will
be tricked out by skilled local artists with scenes of Red Sox glory, bringing
knowledge of baseball along with knowledge of how to prevent HIV.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But how will we choose which images
from Red Sox history are truck worthy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Pay to play baby!!!</div>
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<br /></div>
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The top two donors will each get to
choose a picture for the left and right sides of the truck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A third image for either the hood or the
trunk, will be chosen on the basis of a vote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just make a nomination in this thread when you donate.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Over time, the relationship between
SoSH and SIC will grow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SIC will provide
video of the STATS doing its work in rural communities, of villagers, online
chats with SIC staff and villagers chanting “Let’s Go Sox.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But for this to happen we need your
help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So donate now at <span style="font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">http://sichange.org/get-involved/sosh/</span></div>
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<ol start="2" style="margin-top: 0in;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;">Now
that Jose has made the “ask” up front, Jose wants to return to his
customary third person and to try to educate the good people of SoSH on
how one combats HIV/AIDS in Africa, the best way he knows how—through a
series of inapt baseball metaphors.</li>
</ol>
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<br /></div>
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HIV education—at the core of SIC’s
work—is like pitching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the initial
step in combating HIV and relies on changing speeds and methods of
delivery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be effective, HIV education
takes a variety of forms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
posters around town, other times direct education. Other times plays, music and
dance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The key is to keep the ball
coming from all different angles and at all different speeds.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
The second part is prevention,
which you should think of as defense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Remember two years ago when the Red Sox adopted a “run prevention”
approach to winning games?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HIV
prevention is a lot like that, except it works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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There are three key elements to
prevention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first is abstinence,
which is like a strike out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the ball
never gets into play, it can’t do any damage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But we’re realistic people; we know that even Pedro at his best wasn’t
striking out 27 guys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Balls are going to
get into play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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That’s why you have an infield—in
this case monogamy, being faithful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
the ball is in play, your best chance to prevent a run is by keeping it… close
to home.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Finally, there’s condom use—the
outfield of HIV prevention.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things
happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pitchers hang curveballs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People have sex outside of stable relationships.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When that happens, it’s awfully good to have
a… glove… in the outfield ready to catch anything that could turn into trouble.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
That brings us to testing, SIC's
other core mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Testing is like the
data a manager uses to make decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
people know their HIV status they can make good decisions about sexual activity
and breastfeeding and doctors can make good decisions about how to treat
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A patient or doctor without a known
HIV status is like a manager without stats—he’s going by hunches, and Jose
doesn’t know about you, but he would not want Joe Morgan making medical
decisions for him.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Finally, offense comes into
play—treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gone are the days when
HIV drugs were an underwhelming crew of Mike Lansings and Dante
Bichettes—ineffective and largely toxic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Today, HIV drugs are more like David Ortiz, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Dustin
Pedroia, potent, effective and strong in combination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Patients getting these drugs can
live long productive lives and don’t have to die of HIV/AIDS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Moreover, they’re less likely to transmit HIV
to other people so fewer people get infected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>SIC doesn’t directly provide drugs, but the STATS will help connect
patients with Tanzania’s Ministry of Health, which provides free antiretroviral
drugs to everyone who needs them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Building this connection is part of
what makes SIC’s model sustainable. To put up a winning record against HIV/AIDS
over the long run, Tanzania needs a good farm system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SIC isn’t like a high priced free agent that
comes in for a year or two, has a few successes and then moves on leaving
nothing of permanent value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, SIC
is developing home grown, Tanzanian talent that can provide pitching, defense
and hitting now and in the future.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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3. So here’s where it gets
interesting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to encourage you
to give, Jose is going to lay down a challenge.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Jose Melendez will start the
donations with a $500 contribution.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If at
least two people don’t make bigger donations, Jose will elect to have one of
the images on the STATS be Carlos Quintana doing a split while making a play at
first. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
Do you want Tanzanians to think
Carlos Quintana is the greatest Red Sox of all time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then go to <span style="font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"><a href="http://sichange.org/get-involved/sosh/"><span style="color: blue;">http://sichange.org/get-involved/sosh/</span></a>
</span>and donate now.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my
KEYS TO FIGHTING HIV/AIDS.</div>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-46442244467817077182011-04-08T17:47:00.005-04:002011-04-08T17:56:42.149-04:00What Goes Down...<ol style="margin-top: 0in;" start="1" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="">When Jose was a tyke, he had a friend named Dan.<span style=""> </span>Dan was creative and ingenious.<span style=""> </span>While other kids played checkers, Dan played stock market.<span style=""> </span>Dan once made a bid to get Jose to sell him his comics in an effort to corner the comic book market.<span style=""> </span>While some played house, Dan played hotel.<span style=""> </span>Jose distinctly remembers Dan buying a bunch of pastel mints placing them on his parents’ pillows and then assuming the right to charge them room fees.<span style=""> </span>And while others played war, Dan played university.<span style=""> </span>Dan’s father was a professor of philosophy, thus it struck Dan that universities were a gold mine.</li></ol> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Of course, Dan and Jose, as kids, lacked the academic credentials required to teach anything except MBA classes, so it occurred to Dan that we needed to pioneer new disciplines.<span style=""> </span>The most memorable of these trailblazing fields of inquiry was barfology—the science of barf.<span style=""> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Barfology was not a terribly practical science, and there was relatively little to explore in comparison with, say, physics.<span style=""> </span>Still, Dan was able to extract one great insight from his study, the cogito, if you will in the field of barfology.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">What goes down must come up.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">It applies to tainted food and it applies to the Boston Red Sox.<span style=""> </span>For the first week, the Red Sox have gone down, and down and down, and now, they are coming up.<span style=""> </span>Like a ghastly chum of half digested spaghetti, corn and bile, they are coming back harshly and violently, scalding the Yankees with the acid reflux of their heaving resurgence.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">The Red Sox have been down, today, at last, they come back up.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <ol style="margin-top: 0in;" start="2" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="">Jose is fired up.<span style=""> </span>He’s hulking up.<span style=""> </span>Sing along to the tune of Hulk Hogan’s theme <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGuhZvO1DKg">“I Am a Real American”</a> by Rick Deringer</li></ol><style>@font-face { font-family: "Times New Roman"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }table.MsoNormalTable { font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, sad at the death of Lou Gor-man <span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 102);color:black;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, Dru is in right, most every night!<br /><br />When it comes crashing down, and it hurts inside,<br />It’s a ten game ho-ome stand, Yankees cannot hide,<br />You recall<span style=""> </span>Eric Wedge, ‘member Curtis Pride,<br />You can’t keep swinging at, pitches way inside.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, never liked Jose Offer-man <span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 102);color:black;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, chanted all night, for Jo-ey Gathright</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><span style=""> </span><br />Well I’m on board with Carl Craw-ford,<br />And his wage is money Henry can a-fford,<br />Lackey’s contract may be bad as Lugo’s was, </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">but I don’t care right now, cause I’m kind of buzzed.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, I think that Wakefield is the man, <span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% rgb(255, 255, 102);color:black;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, Papi’s all right, has the green light!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br />I am a Boston Red Sox fan, I watched Belinda (comma) Stan</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">I am a Boston Red Sox fan, I think I might, watch Sunday night!!!!</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <ol style="margin-top: 0in;" start="3" type="1"><li class="MsoNormal" style="">It is with great sadness that Jose learned today that Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez has announced his retirement from baseball following word that he had, for the second time in his career, failed a drug test.</li></ol> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">It breaks Jose’s heart to see the slow, sad end of one of the best hitters he ever saw.<span style=""> </span>On one level it hurts him to see a player whom he enjoyed watching as much as any not named Martinez or Wakefield fall into such shame and disrepute.<span style=""> </span>But even more, it crushes Jose to know that Manny Ramirez, even with the aid of performance enhancing drugs never once had a 50 home run season. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">That had always been Jose’s defense for Manny.<span style=""> </span>With his eye, with his swing, how could he be a juicer if he never hit 50 home runs?<span style=""> </span>Brady Anderson hit 50 on the juice and Manny couldn’t?<span style=""> </span>How is that possible?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Jose likes to imagine that the reason for this failure is that Manny never really took drugs, or at the very least didn’t take them competently.<span style=""> </span>Perhaps when Manny took a female fertility drug, he really was doing it for fertility reasons?<span style=""> </span>Maybe he wanted to have another kid, and just thought that a female was a male who worked for a fee—in his case $20 million?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Or maybe he thought that baseball had banned the use of rugs, rather than drugs and therefore opted for all wood floors and thought he was fine?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">While these are all disturbingly possible explanations in the world of Manny, Jose must also accept the probability that Manny being Manny means Manny doing drugs.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">It’s a sad way to end a career.<span style=""> </span>Let’s hope that, at the very least, he manages to conceive.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</p>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-76122558800201892372011-04-07T17:20:00.003-04:002011-04-07T17:31:25.051-04:00The Rules Don’t Apply to Jose<style>@font-face { font-family: "Times New Roman"; }@font-face { font-family: "Courier New"; }@font-face { font-family: "Wingdings"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }a:link, span.MsoHyperlink { color: blue; text-decoration: underline; }a:visited, span.MsoHyperlinkFollowed { color: purple; text-decoration: underline; }table.MsoNormalTable { font-size: 10pt; font-family: "Times New Roman"; }div.Section1 { page: Section1; }ol { margin-bottom: 0in; }ul { margin-bottom: 0in; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.</p><br />1. They’ve driven Jose to it.<br /><p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p><br />For four years or so, Jose has refused to start a game thread on the Sons of Sam Horn message board.<span style=""> </span>He’s refused because of the awful burden of knowing that if he starts a thread and the Sox win, he will have to start a thread tomorrow.<span style=""> </span>And if they win that game, he will have to start the thread after that, and… well… it gets to be a colossal pain in the ass.<span style=""> </span>Once upon a time Jose was lean and hungry.<span style=""> </span>He wanted to be there every day.<span style=""> </span>He’d write KEYS on vacation, at six in the morning, whatever it took to feel like he was in the game.<span style=""> </span>Not any more.<span style=""> </span>Jose has long since entered the Mike Lansing phase of his career, he’s just showing up to collect a paycheck, and since Jose doesn’t collect a paycheck… well, you can follow the logic.<br /><br />But this afternoon something just snapped.<br /><br />The finale of the TV show Newhart is best remembered for Bob Newhart waking up next to Suzanne Plechette, who played his wife on his previous sitcom, and discovering his whacky adventures in Vermont were just a dream.<span style=""> </span>What goes forgotten is that the episode also featured Darryl and Darryl, the two woodsmen who remained mute while their brother Larry spoke for them throughout the series, saying their first word.<br /><br />In a flash forward sequence, the three brothers are married to a group of shrill New York harpies.<span style=""> </span>After the wives have taken their annoying jabber to Suzyn Waldmanesque height, the two Darryls look at each other, then look at their wives and scream “QUIET!!!!!”<span style=""> </span>When a stunned cast questions why they had never spoken before Larry answers “apparently they’ve never been this p.o.’d before.”<br /><br />Jose too, has never been this p.o’d before.<br /><br />At least not since 2004.<br /><br />He’s p.o.’d and he wants to scream at the world.<br /><br />So here’s the deal, Jose is going to start the game thread and write a full on three part KEYS for Friday’s Yankees game and every other game until the Red Sox lose again.<br /><br />If they keep losing, he’s also going to keep starting threads until they win.<span style=""> </span>There are the game thread rules, but Jose doesn’t care.<span style=""> </span>He is too p.o.’d<br />And if you don’t like it QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />2. Jose did have other options to try to break the drought. Specifically, he may have received a message from God saying that the Red Sox will not win until Jose receives $50,000.<span style=""> </span>Don’t laugh.<span style=""> </span>When Orel Hersheiser’s said he needed to raise $8 million or God would “take him home,” he raised $9.1 million.<br /><br />You see, Jose’s a federal employee and if there’s a prolonged shutdown, he might need some of that sweet, sweet blood money to tide him over (Note: Jose worked an alternative schedule starting at 5:30 this morning, so don’t go calling your Congressman and complaining that he is writing on someone else’s dime.<span style=""> </span>Jose does not get paid to sit on his porch and drink beer.<span style=""> </span>He’s not a farmer, a banker or Curt Euro in 2008.) <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p><br />But truth be told, things have lined up kind of perfectly for him to go on a writing binge.<span style=""> </span>He may well be unemployed while the government works out a budget deal, his significant other is leaving the country for two weeks and his cousin recently had an inspiring conversation with the drummer in his band <a href="http://www.facebook.com/#%21/Superpill">Superpill</a> that included the sentence “Holy Shit!<span style=""> </span>Your cousin is Jose Melendez!”<span style=""> </span><br /><br />Yeah, Jose still has what the people want. <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p><br />Besides, being 0-6 is awful.<span style=""> </span>There’s almost nothing worse than being 0-6 if you exclude being 0-7 etc.<span style=""> </span>Jose thought about it on his commute home today, and tried to come up with all things that are worse than being 0-6 and here’s what he came up with:<span style=""> </span>genocide, the musical <i>Rent</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.<span style=""> </span>That is all.<span style=""> </span>Genocide is obvious and </span><i>Rent</i><span style="font-style: normal;">?<span style=""> </span>Why do those dead beats think they should live rent-free?<span style=""> </span>Their friend who bought some property is the bad guy for wanting them to pay to live there instead of spending all of their money on heroin and… well, not condoms.</span> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p><i><br />La Boheme </i><span style="font-style: normal;">could get away with such an obnoxious plot because the music was so good.<span style=""> </span></span><i>Rent</i><span style="font-style: normal;">?<span style=""> </span>Not so much.<span style=""> </span></span><i>Rent </i><span style="font-style: normal;">is the Eric Gagne of musicals.<span style=""> </span>You hear good things, but when you see it up close you can’t believe how bad it is.<span style=""> </span>Jose would much rather watch musicals based on the lives of David Murphy and Kasson Gabbard then ever see </span><i>Rent</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> again.<br /></span> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p><br />Now some of you are going to be surprised.<span style=""> </span>You’re probably saying, “Come on Jose.<span style=""> </span>Sure an 0-6 start is bad, but do you really think that the only things worse are genocide and <i>Rent?”</i> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p><br />Yes.<span style=""> </span>Yes Jose does.<span style=""> </span>Please allow Jose to explain how the following awful things are still better than an 0-6 start.<p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Lice:<span style=""> </span>With both lice and an 0-6 start one loses his dignity, but at least lice can be killed by putting them in a plastic bag for two weeks.<span style=""> </span>If we put the Red Sox in a plastic bag for two weeks, there would be literally no decrease in their performance.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">War:<span style=""> </span>Have you ever heard of the military industrial complex?<span style=""> </span>That thing creates jobs.<span style=""> </span>Losing baseball games does not contribute to the economy in any way.<span style=""> </span>Except possibly by increasing alcohol sales and the sales of lengths of rope.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Fever Pitch:<span style=""> </span>Yes, Fever Pitch was horrendous, but at least it was over in two hours.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Trans fats: Can the FDA or an act of the state legislature ban 0-6 starts from Massachusetts?<span style=""> </span>Didn’t think so.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Dogfighting:<span style=""> </span>Dogfighting might be evil and vile, but it is probably at least more competitive than the baseball we’ve seen thus far.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">Jose could go on, but you get the point, and if you don’t Jose suggests you watch <i>Rent</i><span style="font-style: normal;">, it might be for you.</span><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">3. But Jose doesn’t want to be completely nonconstructive.<span style=""> </span>The point of this exercise is not just to rant; it’s also to help.<span style=""> </span>So Jose has compiled a list of possible explanations for the Red Sox awful start.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> <span style=""> </span>Once we know the problem, perhaps we can figure out a solution.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;"> </p> <span style=""> </span><span style=""> </span> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Perhaps the Red Sox thought they were federal employees and the shutdown started last week.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are astronomical sticklers and refuse to start playing like spring training is over until the summer solstice.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Have river blindness.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are on strike in solidarity with state employees in Wisconsin.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Felt really bad for Cleveland fans after the LeBron debacle and wanted to cheer them up.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Miss Bill Hall’s soothing voice.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are building their new spring training stadium on an ancient Indian burial ground.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Can only play good baseball when new episodes of <i>Lost</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> are coming out.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are lacking adequately creative handshakes.<span style=""> </span>(Note: Hi Bill Simmons!)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are playing cruel April Fool’s joke that lasted the entire first week of April.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family:Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Are ust making it more dramatic before they start “hulking up.”</p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">It’s not a comprehensive list, but it’s close.<span style=""> </span>Anyway, get used to it. If the Red Sox keep losing, Jose will keep writing in a blind rage.<span style=""> </span>If they start winning, he will be writing in a farsighted less rage.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</p>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-32731377659789336952011-04-01T00:10:00.002-04:002011-04-01T00:15:32.140-04:00Happy New Year--Let's Get Some Revenge<div id=":as" class="ii gt"><div id=":at"><div style="word-wrap: break-word;"><p class="MsoNormal" style="">It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="">1. For three long years Jose has been in exile. Whether one spends it in the warm heart of Africa or the steamy thigh of the American South, exile is awful. No place is Boston but Boston. The worst part of loneliness is being alone. And starting today, the fourth year of exile begins, this year from our nation's capital, from the arrogant id of our national consciousness. There will be baseball played in Boston this year—good baseball—and once again Jose will not be there to see it, to smell it, to savor it, and possibly, just possibly to throw up in it.</p> <div class="MsoNormal">But while Jose needs baseball, it does not follow that baseball needs Jose. The work of bat and ball, of pitch and catch, of sign and trade continues. It continues today. It continues better.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">2.<span> </span>One year ago today, Jose fell victim to the most ingenious, vicious, dangerous April Fool’s joke he’s ever been a party to.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">It was a big day for Jose—he had a bunch of job interviews lined up in Washington—so he woke up at the impossibly early hour of six in the morning.<span> </span>As is his custom, he started the day by checking his email.<span> </span>Prominent among the normal assortment of spam for dog-training products and federally subsidized scam universities was a message from his friend Jared reading:</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">“Major News…Please don’t freak.”</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">When someone advises you not to freak before telling you something, it is never a good sign.<span> </span>“Please don’t freak” has never been followed by “I won the lottery” or “ The Red Sox got bullpen help.”<span> </span>It is usually followed by a phrase like “I lost all our money at the track” or “I’m carrying Alex Rodriguez’s baby.”<span> </span>This case was no different.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal"></div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal">Dear Jose,</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">First off, let me say that I know I’ve been distant and kind of an asshole this semester. <span> </span>I’m sorry; I’ve had a lot of things going on.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve come to the difficult realization that I am wicked in love with you.<span> </span>I think I’ve picked up something from you to, and it’s time one of us is man enough to admit it.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Sorry to do this by email… but I don’t think I could get it out in person…</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"></div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Jose’s initial, stunned reaction was “WHAT THE FUCK?”<span> </span></div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">But after a moment’s consideration, he was able to calm himself and develop a more measured reaction of “WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?”</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">He then repeated the sentence to himself for another 10 minutes while in the shower.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Finally, his careful reasoning led to a decision:<span> </span>The most likely explanation is that Jared is playing some sick joke.<span> </span>In which case the correct response is “Go fuck yourself.”<span> </span>If this interpretation and response is correct, Jose looks smart.<span> </span>The less likely, but still plausible, explanation was that Jared was crying out in pain, in which case “Go fuck yourself” would be a cruel taunt.<span> </span></div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Jose decided to err on the side of caution, and assume it was true.<span> </span>He did not want his friend’s pain or worse on his hands.<span> </span>He wrote:</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal"></div><blockquote><div class="MsoNormal">Jared,</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Not really sure what to make of this.<span> </span>Jose is 100% straight, so this is never going to happen, but Jose doesn’t see any reason why we can’t still be friends if you can handle it.”</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Jose</div></blockquote><div class="MsoNormal"></div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Later that morning, Jose received a revelatory message:</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">“Ha!<span> </span>I got the same email from you.<span> </span>Someone must have hacked us!<span> </span>Check out the date.”</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">Jose was indeed the April fool.<span> </span>But that didn’t mean Jose’s decision was wrong.<span> </span>Yes, he looked like a fool, but he did the right thing—he believed what he was told, thereby ensuring that he avoided the worst-case scenario.<span> </span>There is a lesson there for Red Sox fans today.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">We have been told by national media, local pundits and our own lyin’ mouths that the Red Sox are the best team in baseball this year, that they are the team to beat.<span> </span>That may be true, it may not, but Jose suggests we act like it is.<span> </span>If we assume it’s a lie and indeed it is, will we gain any satisfaction?<span> </span>No.<span> </span>We’ll be miserable the entire year.<span> </span>If we assume it’s true and it turns out to be a lie, at least we have today.<span> </span>At least we have opening day, when we can believe, hell when Nationals fans can believe, that we have the best team in baseball.</div> <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">3.<span> </span>Of course, the story doesn’t end there.<span> </span>There is another lesson still to be learned.<span> </span></div> <div class="MsoNormal"><br />Over the course of the morning, Jose told friends the story of his humiliation as he attempted to identify the perpetrator.<span> </span>One friend he called with vengeance in his heart responded, “I didn’t do it, but I wish I had.<span> </span>You know who that sounds like?<span> </span>Martha.”<br /><br />Of course!<span> </span>Martha was a theatrical classmate of Jose’s who took comedy seriously.<span> </span>The previous year for April fools she had told her best friends that she was pregnant and didn’t know who the father was.<span> </span>Try doing that Chris Rock!<br /><br />Jose waited for her inevitable taunting phone call, and he plotted.<span> </span>He seethed.<br /><br />It came at 3PM, just minutes before he had a job interview.<br /><br />“Hi Jose!” came her saccharine voice.</div><br />“Hey Martha” Jose responded coolly.<br /><br />“How’s it going?”<br /><br />“Lot of weird stuff going on,” Jose set the trap.<span> </span>“It’s chaotic here, and Jose got some really weird emails.”<br /><br />“What kind of emails?”<br /><br />“Ah Jose doesn’t want to talk about it,”<br /><br />“Ooohhh…. Okay, well if you need to talk, you know you can trust me.”<br /><br />“Well, Jose got this really strange email from Jared saying…<span> </span>well, saying that he’s”<br /><br />“APRIL FOOLS!” she shrieked.<span> </span>“APRIL FOOLS!!!! I GOT YOU SO BAD!”<br /><br />“Oh… Martha…<span> </span>you shouldn’t have done that,” Jose muttered.<br /><br />“Whatever,” she responded.<span> </span>“I burned you.”<br /><br />“You really, really shouldn’t have done that.”<br /><br />“Yeah right, Jared’s not gay.”<br /><br />“ Jose isn’t saying he is, but… well… you struck some kind of nerve.<span> </span>He’s really freaking out… and… well… Jose doesn’t know what’s going on, but this is going to take a long time to fix.”<br /><br />“But… but it was just an April Fool’s joke,” she stammered.<span> </span>“I didn’t mean—“<br /><br />“Well you did,” Jose snapped back.<br /><br />“God, it was just supposed to be an April Fool’s joke.<span> </span>I didn’t think that—”<br /><br />“APRIL FOOLS!!!” Jose snapped back.<span> </span>“You got Jose and Jose got you back.”<br /><br />The lesson for the Red Sox here is, of course, as always, that revenge is immensely satisfying.<span> </span>And we have a lot of revenge to take this year.<span></span><br /><br />Manny and Damon?<span> </span>Definitely need revenge.<br /><br />The rest of that Tampa team?<span> </span>2008 ALCS—revenge required.<br /><br />The Angels?<span> </span>2009 ALDS—you know what would help with that?<span> </span>Some vengeance.<br /><br />The Yankees?<span> </span>They exist.<span> </span>That’s as good a reason for revenge as any.<br /><br />So learn the lesson well men of Boston, and have a vengeful, vengeful New Year!!! <div class="MsoNormal"> </div> <div class="MsoNormal">I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.</div> </div></div></div>Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-65776640324444509392011-02-26T15:18:00.000-05:002011-02-26T15:19:38.095-05:00No More PerksIt’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME<br /><br />In the 2010 election campaign, Republicans around the country called for reductions in public spending and deep cuts in public wages, benefits and Perk. Yeah, Jose thought that they said “perks” too, but apparently they said “Perk,” and now he’s gone. All hail Congress in its infinite wisdom. (Note: Presumably Jose is correct when he assume the word “infinite” is an adjective that means “like an infant.”<br /><br />Funny though, Jose doesn’t recall the Republicans insisting in reductions in Nate, Harengody or Erden, and all of those guys got dumped too. Perhaps, Turkish center Semih Erden fell under the anti-immigration or anti-Muslim parts of the platform? Jose will say this, he is curious to see how Sharia Law at the Garden would work when Kobe comes to town. Still, Luke Harengody? Jose thought the Republican Party was all about supporting goofy white guys from the mid-West.<br /><br />The even more perplexing part is that part of the return was Jeff Green. And Jose has yet to see the Republican since Teddy Roosevelt who would characterize himself as “Green.” Also aren’t they the least bit concerned that the power forward will bring his house gases to Boston?<br /><br />Yes, it’s silly and kind of stupid, for Jose to attribute Celtics GM Danny Ainge’s decision to deal the center from the championship team’s lineup while the Celtics have the best record in the East to a the act of a spiteful Congress, but it makes about as much sense as any other theory Jose’s heard. (Note: Jose doesn’t hear a lot of theories.) Just months ago we were talking about how if Perkins had been healthy for Game 7, the Celtics would be world champions, and now they’ve dealt him? On a crazy scale of one to 10, that rates a Charlie Sheen. (Note: Jose has no idea what that means, but he’s heard lots of jokes along those lines lately.)<br /><br />Of course, there is one possibility that involves neither Congressional overreach or mental illness and that is that Perk, for the rest of this year at least, was not going to be Perk. As hard as he worked to hurry back, and as trim as he looked in his return, Perk’s sore left knee was a troubling sign of things to come. If Perk was going to be well-below 100% for the remainder of the season, suddenly trading him for a forward who can score points, play decent defense, and give Paul Pierce some rest makes a lot of sense.<br /><br />So in the spirit of cooperation and lethargy, here are the things Jose likes about the deadline trades:<br /><br />1. The Celtics acquired Jeff Green, who is an athletic, versatile forward, not Jeff Greene, Larry David’s manager on Curb Your Enthusiasm, who, while replacing Perk’s sheer mass on the basketball court, would have provided little additional value.<br /><br />2. With Turkish Center Semih Erden gone, Boston’s large Armenian community need no longer feel ambiguous about rooting for the Celtics.<br /><br />3. With Nate Robinson gone and Delonte West, Shrek and Donkey (note: Glen Davis and Robinson) have been replaced by Shrek and the guy who did LeBron’s mom.<br /><br />4. Jose is now marginally less afraid to meet the Celtics in a dark alley.<br /><br />5. Perk’s reported tears at hearing he had been traded suggest he is equipped to be Speaker of the House.<br /><br />6. There will be an exciting race to see who leads the team in technical fouls.<br /><br />I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050597.post-20175188674967317232010-12-21T21:57:00.002-05:002010-12-21T22:01:42.427-05:00Not Crazy CarlIt’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.<br /><br />1. There are a lot of things Jose is excited about with the arrival of Carl Crawford: his speed, his defense, and his emerging power. But Jose is even more excited that this harkens back to a glorious age in Red Sox history. Did you know that Carl Crawford is the first Carl on the Red Sox since Carl Yasztremski? <br /><br />Okay, technically that’s not true, but he is the first Carl who believes in dinosaurs and isn’t universally referred to as Tuffy since Yaz.<br /><br />This leads one to ask a rather obvious question: How does a belief in the past existence of dinosaurs impact Not Crazy Carl’s game? (Note: Jose is seriously considering “Not Crazy Carl” for the official KEYS nickname for the left fielder.)<br /><br />Jose has identified two obvious effects. First, it implies that Crawford believes in evolution. This is good. Evolution means that Crawford does not imagine that he was just created 6,000 years ago as the player he is and that nothing can ever change. He can become a better player and gain critical advantages, such as the ability to breath air or the growth of a prehensile tail, that will make him a more effective player.<br /><br />Second, a belief in dinosaurs suggests an understanding of the concept of extinction, a knowledge of the fact that nothing—least of all baseball prowess—is forever. Ergo, win now.<br /><br />2. Still Crawford’s game doesn’t remind Jose much of Captain Carl, based on the one time Jose saw number 8 play in the second to last game of 1983. In fact, Crawford’s game, particularly his defense in left, doesn’t remind Jose of damn near anyone in Red Sox history. For generations now, left has been a place to hide defensive liabilities rather than showcase defensive strengths. So Jose had to look outside of the Red Sox organization for comparisons. But Jose isn’t sure there’s a major league baseball player who has a game quite like Crawford’s. <br /><br />Rather, the best comparison Jose could come up with is to a super hero. You know the one. The really fast guy. He’s so fast he can run on water. It’s like… Ummm.. Something with an F? Fuh… Fluh… Fla…. <br /><br />Jesus Christ! <br /><br />Yeah, that’s the guy. Crawford is so fast that he can probably walk on water just like Jesus Christ. <br /><br />Of course, there are a lot of other similarities. Both are regarded as saviors, both are black, and the only way opponents of either man could hope to stop him from doing what he was born to do is by nailing his feet down. (Note: Yes, in the spirit of the season, Jose went there, but before you get all offended, watch, he’s going to redeem himself, which, from what he has heard, is what Jesus is all about.) Of course, nails didn’t really stop Jesus from doing his job—the whole salvation thing. We can only hope Crawford is as resilient. <br /><br />Yes, the two men are similar in an awful lot of ways. And that’s how Jose likes it. If Crawford continues to follow Christ’s career projections, he should peek in just about five years—when he turns 33. Of course, given that Crawford is signed through 2017, Jose hopes we get more production from him at age 34 and 35 than we got out of Jesus.<br /><br />3. Since Jose has analyzed Crawford’s first name and comparables to death (note: wow, is that another Jesus joke?) it seems only appropriate that Jose take a look at his last name too. There have only been two other Crawfords in Red Sox history, reliever Steve Crawford, who served competently, if blandly, in the 80s, and Tampaxton Crawford the pitcher in the early 2000s who has, perhaps, Jose’s favorite KEYS nickname of all time. Of course, Jose expects much more from Carl than from Tampaxton. Tampaxton, as you may recall, was a roider, had a bizarre injury from a glass and flamed out quickly. In other words, as his nickname suggests, he was a bloody mess.<br /><br />Carl, one would hope, will be more together. Certainly the fact that the most disgusting consumer product one can link to his first name is Carl’s Jr. hamburgers is a positive sign. It would suggest that, at absolute worst, his play will be unappetizing and cause severe intestinal distress.<br /><br />I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.Jose Melendezhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01099888428928787108noreply@blogger.com3