2/5/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

I. Well, it seems like Jose has been able to make it to just about as many Super Bowl events in Jacksonville as Bill Simmons. Apparently, getting to them from Boston is almost as inconvenient as getting to them from anywhere in Jacksonville. (Note: After reading Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Jose realized that since it is the Super Bowl the KEYS should have roman numerals. Thanks TMQ!)

The big news yesterday was that Socrates of Route 1, Bill Belicheck refused to touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy for a photo shoot yesterday. Apparently, Belicheck didn’t want to jinx the team or be presumptuous by touching the trophy without actually having won. Jose knows exactly how he feels. When they cut the promos for this year’s Pulitzer Prize Awards ceremony, Jose refused to touch the Pulitzer Prize, pose with the Pulitzer prize or even talk with the selection committee. Jose is pleased that the committee has respected his superstition by not even trying to contact him. Yes, Jose will just sit back and wait to receive the news that he is the new winner of a shiny Pulitzer Prize, suitable for framing or selling on Ebay. (Note: Jose is not a historian of journalism, but wasn’t Joseph Pulitzer the owner of yellow journalism tabloids that competed with the Hearst papers to see who could go deeper into the gutter? If Jose has that right, is it really appropriate to name journalism’s most prestigious award for him? Isn’t it a little bit like calling the Super Bowl Trophy the "Rich Kotite Trophy," the Stanley Cup the "Jeremy Jacobs Cup," the NBA Championship trophy the "Rick Pitino Trophy," or the World Series trophy, the "Alex Rodriguez Trophy?" Or would it be more like calling MLB’s sportsmanship award the "Alex Rodriguez Award?")

II. On Thursday night, the Melendezette talked Jose into watching an MTV program called "Super Sweet 16 Bash" or something to that effect. This show made Jose feel bad….really, really bad. Normally the sorts of shows that make Jose feel bad are about war torn countries, or crime or the 86 Series, but this time it was a show about a teenager’s birthday party. Why? Because it made Jose sort of hate people, and hate makes Jose sad.

The premise of the show is that they follow around an unbelievably rich, unbelievably spoiled teenager as she plans and hold a grotesque, excessive, unbelievably expensive sweet 16 party. On this episode they followed around a girl from California as she flew to Paris to buy an expensive, slutty dress, whines to her father about how if she doesn’t get a Range Rover as a present, her birthday will be ruined, and selects which four shirtless male college students she will have carry her in on an elegantly upholster lounging couch (Note: Jose has no idea what this piece of furniture is called, but think Emperor Nero) as she makes her entrance to her "Arabian Nights" themed party. (Note: What do these guys say when their friends or families ask how they are making money? "Oh, I’m a shirtless servant to a 16 year old girl?" Jose guesses they lie and say they are something marginally less humiliating like sperm bank technician, gigolo or player for the New York Yankees…well, maybe not player for the Yankees, that’s more humiliating, but you get the point.) In total, the party costs $200,000.

Jose knows people watch these sort of shows for their train wreck quality, and they are undeniably amusing, but Jose just hates the people on them so much that he finds it unsettling. Those sorts of emotions should be reserved for tyrants, thugs and members of a certain choking baseball team.

Jose is a liberal and all these shows make him think is that we should tax the hell out of these people. Actually, Jose would like to see this become part of the Democrats messaging in the next election, or for the reimplementation of the estate tax. Jose would like to see John Kerry, Howard Dean or whoever get up there and say, "The difference between the Republicans and me is that I believe Paris Hilton should pay a lot more taxes, they believe she’s earned it." Now, you fans of the Paris Hilton tape make argue that she did earn it, but Jose will gladly let the Republicans adopt a firm stance in favor of amateur pornography.

But look, Jose is going on about these despicable brats as if they are KEYS worthy…if it wasn’t the Super Bowl, they’d never make the cut. Enough.

III. Jose just saw the anti-rioting "celebrate responsibly" ad featuring Theo Epstein, and The Honorable Thomas M. Menino urging Bostonians to "celebrate responsibly." Jose would also like to urge you to celebrate responsibly, but he wants to be really clear on what that actually means.

1. When setting cars alight, consider using electric tea lights rather than gasoline.
2. Always drink responsibly. If you are going to make screwdrivers, use Rubinoff, not the good vodka.
3. Most riots are in college neighborhoods. If you are a college student, consider dropping out.
4. If the police start shooting into the crowd try to duck. (Note: Being serious for a moment, we should never forget that Victoria Snellgrove died because a police officer shot her with a weapon he was not trained to use. Jose is generally pro-police, but rioters did not cause that death, bad BPD policies did, and that really does make Jose sad.)
5. If you insist on rioting, have some consideration for your neighbors. Make it a Quiet Riot.
6. Stay away from Jose’s house.
7. Remember that rioting is a function of "mob mentality." Avoid watching Godfather, Goodfellas or the Sopranos for the next two days; they might give you mob mentality.
8. Colleges have vowed to expel rioting students. If you are failing out anyway, carefully evaluate which news would upset your parents more – the news that you failed out of school or the news that you were expelled – then make a responsible decision.
9. If confused by what "celebrating responsibly really means" consider consulting the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996." As best Jose recalls from the thesis he wrote on it, it defines being responsible as not being on welfare, so Jose urges you not to celebrate a Patriots win or mourn a Patriots loss by going on Transitional Aid to Needy Families.
10. Listening to the song "Celebrate Good Times" is never responsible. NEVER.

I'm Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/3/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1. Today we continue Jose’s running journal on Super Bowl XXXIX, a veritable grab bag of football, non-football and vaguely footballish KEYS. Today we begin with a KEY that is nominally related to football. In his previous entry, Jose wrote about the Melendez family’s grand traditions for football’s greatest, or at bare minimum third greatest, game. (Note: After the AFC championship and AFC division contests. And perhaps the Belmont-Watertown Thanksgiving game.)

Despite the years of noble tradition, not everything has gone always gone smoothly. For instance, there was 1995, the first year in many, many years, that Jose decided not to have a party at the Melendez family compound. Instead. Jose attended a party where the hosts decided to start watching the Simpsons at half time (Note: No problem), and then refused to change back when half time was over (Note: Problem). Jose loves the Simpsons as much as anyone, but watching a new Simpsons episode, much less a rerun, should never take precedence over even the most one sided of Super Bowls at the opening of the third quarter. One should never switch to the Simpsons unless the margin is four touchdowns at the beginning of the fourth quarter. This is just common sense people. On the plus side, there were a lot of chicken wings at the party.

2. But that was not the worst. No, the worst was the 49ers-Broncos Super Bowl in 1990. That was the Super Bowl that never was. Sure the final was 55-10 or something similar, so most football fans would like to think of it as the Super Bowl that never was, but for Jose, it really never was…he didn’t watch it. Instead, he was in sex ed. Sounds a little odd doesn’t it? But it’s true. Jose is a Unitarian-Universalist, the religious equivalent of O’Douls, and one of the religion’s tenants, in addition to the inherent dignity of all human beings and the importance of the democratic process is, apparently, that teenagers should get rigorous and explicit sex education, using the finest technology of the swinging 70s.

You see, the UU’s offered a sex ed class called "About Your Sexuality" (AYS) that presented teens with all of the useful information about sexuality that public school classes tend to omit in favor of lectures on self-esteem. (Note: The health class in Jose’s middle school, as part of the self-esteem curriculum, required students to come up with one nice thing to say anonymously about each of their classmates. Before this process began, the teacher sought to prove that one could say nice things about anyone by insisting that we develop a list of positive things about one of the worst people ever – Hitler. So everyone had to come up with nice things to say about Hitler. Jose doesn’t know which bothered him more, that he had to say something nice about Hitler, that his mustache was always well-trimmed or something like that, or that as a result, Jose believed for years that Hitler was a talented painter….that’s B.S., Hitler’s painting sucked.) In AYS, students were not only given useful information about anatomy, birth control, and sex, but actually shown film strips of people engaging in sex acts…not videos….film strips…you know, people in the missionary position (turn strip) doggy style, (turn strip) reverse cowgirl, etc. And keep in mind that this was 1990, we should have at least had VHS. Yup, hearing one’s parents church friends (Note: A couple from the church led the class) was traumatic enough, but having them talk through film strips…now that’s 86 World Series traumatic.

But what the hell does this have to do with football? Well, the initial class was set for Super Bowl Sunday during the big game. Jose was furious. This was the Super Bowl, this was the Bud Bowl, this was not something to be cast aside for a mere anatomy primer. Jose’s reform Jewish friend Dan, thought Jose was a sucker. He went on and on about how his Rabbi would never set anything for during the Super Bowl, and even if he did, he would reschedule after learning of his error, assimilation and all, Jose supposes. Of course, two years later, Dan’s Rabbi scheduled a Jewish youth group event for during the Super Bowl and Dan went along meekly. Wuss.

Jose did not go meekly. He complained to his parents with great anger, so stirring his mother that at the parents organizing meeting to explain the class, she rose and passionately implored the group to postpone the start of the class by one week. Just when she had begun to sway the crowd with her stirring and highly logical oratory, Jose’s father rose to support his wife. BAM. He insisted that the class not be postponed. In perhaps the most shocking reversal since Mr. Wonderful Paul Ornorff, clotheslined his tag team partner Hulk Hogan to the ground following a match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Dick Melendez double crossed his son.

As it turns out, Dick Melendez did his son a favor. The game was the biggest blow out in Super Bowl history, and Jose saw only the relatively competitive first quarter. And the class? Well, let’s just say Jose knows an awful lot about the ladies.

3. Finally, Jose leaves the world of football. Jose has learned that among the wrestlers being inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this year are former Tag Team Champions Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik. (Note: The Iron Sheik is also a former World Champion.) Jose finds a disturbing lack of resolve on the part of the WWF-owning McMahon in their decision to induct such rabid anti-Americans. Don’t they know there’s a war on? In light of pending Iranian nuclearization and renewed Russian militarism is this really appropriate? Won’t it give strength and comfort to our enemies? ? Is the Attorney General paying attention? Jose demands that they repeal these two inductions and replace them with real American heroes like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiasie and Irwin R. Shyster.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/1/05 - KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1. That’s right, for the remainder of Super Bowl week Jose will be keeping a running diary of his Super Bowl week experiences. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Wow, Jose I didn’t even know you were at the Super Bowl."

Well, the truth is, Jose isn’t at the Super Bowl, and he certainly isn’t spending the week in a cushy hotel 45 minutes from the center of a centerless city on an expense account. In fact, he wasn’t even planning on doing a running diary until Bill Simmons convinced him otherwise. Jose is a big fan of Simmons and has been following his running Super Bowl diary for ESPN Page 2, just as he did last year, and today, Jose noticed something. It isn’t really about football. So far, Simmons’ diary appears to have consisted mostly of commentary about what he watched on TV and the death of Johnny Carson. Jose’s not saying that Simmons isn’t in Jacksonville, obviously he is, but it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t need to be. After all, until Sunday at 6:30 EST, there isn’t a whole heck of lot going on that has anything to do with football. So for days reporter after reporter will write columns diminishing the city of Jacksonville, discussing subjects completely unrelated to football (celebrities, parties, advertisements) and occasionally writing a story on Terrell Owens. As it turns out, Jose can do that from the relative comfort of his tenement in Boston’s historic North End. In fact, Jose can use this as an excuse to write single KEYS on every subject that he hasn’t been able to come up with a full three KEYS for over the past year. So let’s get cracking.

2. Jose and his brother Sam will be watching the Super Bowl at the Melendez family compound in an undisclosed suburban Boston town this year. (Note: Here’s a hint…it’s not Watertown.) For years and years, Jose held a Super Bowl party at the compound every year, beginning with the Patriots first Super Bowl appearance in 1996 (Correction: 1986) when Jose was in fourth grade. As you may recall, the game was not so good, and Jose’s mother made the tough decision to call the parents of Jose’s friends and ask them to pick up their increasingly rowdy children at half time. How rowdy were we? Well, let’s put it this way, at that moment it seemed far more likely that we were all on cocaine than half the Patriots squad. To this day, Jose’s mother regards that as the only party she has ever thrown that was a failure. Thank you again Tony Eason, Raymond Berry and friends for making Jose’s mom feel bad.

One of the traditions begun that day was the Melendez friends and family Super Bowl pool. Of course, there were some logistical problems that year. First, everyone left at halftime, so arranging for the winner to take his winnings would have been hard. But the greater problem was that everyone except Jose’s parents was nine years old, so cash to gamble away was in fairly short supply. (Note: Despite the fact that neither Jose nor his parents are gamblers, gambling seems to have played a significant part in a lot of parties at his house. At one of Jose’s birthday parties, Jose’s father taught Jose and his friends to pitch pennies. One of Jose’s guests was from Mattapan, and his father looked at the penny pitching with amusement and pointed out that "In our neighborhood, we teach kids NOT to pitch pennies.) How did we solve the jackpot problem? Jose’s mother bought a Go-Boot to give to the pool’s winner. One would figure that the promise of a shiny new robot that transformed into some sort of drilling truck would be enough to maintain a the interest of a child, but alas it was not. As one might imagine for such a disastrous party, the winner of the Go-Bot was….yup, Jose’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the robot was not programmed to handle rowdy children. Actually, this was the start of a trend. Jose’s mother has won the pool three times over the years, making her the all-time wins leader. While her wins are not fueled by an in-depth knowledge of football, she at least has a more legitimate claim to the pot than Jose’s father, who always responds to news of the pool with the question "Who’s playing?" followed closely by the question "What do I have to tell you?"

3. Another tradition at the Melendez Super Bowl party is cooking food that is related to the culture of the host city. For instance, when the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, we have prepared jambalaya and red beans and rice. For Sand Diego…well, to be honest, we’ve just kept making jambalaya year after year, along with nachos and cocktail hot dogs. They just taste good. But this year we want to really reenergize the tradition, so in honor of Jacksonville, we’re thinking about making some white toast and ordering in from Red Lobster. (Note: See Jose doesn’t have to actually be in Jacksonville to hate on it just like the "professional" journalists.)

Well, this was a remarkably football centric Super Bowl KEYS, but not to worry, there are still five more days for stories about the Melendez Super Bowl party and many, many subjects completely unrelated to football.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1/30/05 - KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.

1. Now that Doug Mientkiewicz is gone from the Red Sox roster and closed captioneers everywhere have been freed from the cruel toil of typing his name at great speed, Jose should probably address the infamous World Series ball situation. Since the situation has now been more or less resolved, with the Red Sox displaying the ball and the ownership of the ball remaining indeterminate for now, it may seem like Jose is as far behind on this issue as Arod on a Curt Euro fastball. But Jose would disagree. Jose thinks he is right on the vanguard of the real issue. The real issue, of course, is who owns all manner of World Series memorabilia.

People act like the ball was the only piece of precious World Series history that might have gone missing. But what happened to the Mientkeiwicz’s glove? What happened to the bases? What happened to Terry Eurona’s score card? And if the Red Sox traded Mientkiewicz to a team where he would be a starter as a reward for agreeing to share the ball (Note: They didn’t, but let’s pretend.) is it not possible, just possible, that they acquired Edgar Renteria in order to get the bat that struck the final out of the World Series?

And what about other items of historical import? What happened to the chalk from the base lines? Was it washed away? Did it disappear up Darryl Strawberry’s nose like so much other white powder before it? What about World Series MVP Manny Ramirez’s Game 4 jock strap? Has anyone even bothered to look into that? Even Jose has not been immune. For the past three weeks, Jose has been getting phone calls from Leisure Suit Larry Lucchnino demanding that Jose hand over the computer he used to write the KEYS to Game 4 of the World Series. Lucchino insists that it doesn’t belong to Jose, it really belongs to the fans, by which he means the Red Sox, and that it should be touring New England, or in the Red Sox museum, not that such a thing exists, rather than in Jose’s frosty tenement apartment. Jose agrees that the computer doesn’t belong to him, but he disagrees about to whom it belongs. Larry says the people own it, Jose says the Melendezette owns it, because she, you know, paid for it. Let’s see the people…the Melendezette…the people…the Melendezette. Hmmm….Sorry Larry, Jose’s beloved "the people" are going to lose out on this one.

2. With the departure of Doug Mientkiewicz to the Mets, the Red Sox have now surrendered both players acquired in return for Shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. So at the end of the day, the Red Sox gave up Nomar, for Single A first baseman Ian Bladergroen and the two draft picks received for Orlando Cabrerra. Of course, the Sox gave up two picks wen they signed ER, so basically it boils down to Nomar for Ian…and a World championship. Obviously it’s a good trade in the net, but still Jose wonders, if years from now, he’ll be lamenting the Garciaparra for Bladergroen trade?

No, probably not.

3. So Pedro is signed, Beltran is signed, ER is signed, OC is signed, Pavano is signed, Delgado is signed, Tek is signed, pretty much everyone is signed, so the Hot Stove season is basically gone and yet spring training is still a few weeks away. Everyone knows that this is the slowest part of the baseball calendar, and a distinct phase of the off season completely separate from the Hot Stove season, and yet no one has a name for it. Jose would like to come up with a name for this period.

Jose has heard some people refer to it as the "cool stove" or the "not hot stove" but those don’t really have much zip to them. What we need to do here is dip deeper into the world of metaphor. They call it the hot stove since everything is simmering, bubbles of activity delicately rupturing the seemingly calm surface of the offseason. So what happens at this time of year? Well, the only real baseball activity appears to be invalids like Magglio Ordonez or players who greatly overestimated their own values looking to sign desperate last minute deals. So what might capture that and yet be as snappy and mellifluous as "Hot Stove season?" Since not much is happening and only injured or recycled players are still signing, Jose proposes that the next three weeks be known henceforth as the "Cold Leftovers Season." Peter Gammons can even put pout a CD called "Cold Leftovers, Lukewarm music" It won’t have the really good or popular bands on it, like "Hot Stove, Cool Music" instead it will have bands like Wang Chung and Ratt.

(Note: Jose hates the Cold Leftovers season. He’s got absolutely nothing to work with, as you can probably tell from reading these KEYS. More about the World Series ball? Second guessing the fantastically successful Nomar trade? Coming up with the name Cold Leftovers season? Joking about Ratt? This is not one for the portfolio. Of course, maybe Jose is just grumpy because the huge free agent deal his agent promised him has yet to come to fruition. Jose may be forced to go to the Royals camp as a non-roster blogger and try to earn his way on to their blogger corps and a shot at the league minimum.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.

1/25/05 - KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM.

1. One of Jose’s little known hobbies is attempting to get in to the U.S. Foreign Service. Every year he tries, and every year he fails. (Note: By every year, he means two years.) It’s not that Jose is looking to leave his job, he likes his job, it’s just that the examination process takes so long that, he has to get started just in case he decides not to like his job at a future date. This year Jose failed in December, and he’s been meaning to write about it for some time, but, as you know, things came up, the Red Sox signed ER, the WWF introduced a questionable Arab-American stereotype…important issues that could not wait. Also, Jose had to deal with some legal issue before writing about the Foreign Service Exam. Apparently, the "non-disclosure agreement" he signed was "legally binding." Who knew? Needless to say, Jose doesn’t want Condi Rice kicking in his front door. She may be anorexic, but she might still kick Jose’s ass. So Jose will stick scrupulously to the already public information, and honor his agreement completely. Nope, Jose won’t say a thing about the swordsmanship test. Though he does wonder why he had to be naked for it?

2. The Foreign Service Exam is basically divided into two completely separate parts, months apart designed to test one’s fitness for diplomacy, or more likely, whether one conforms strictly to a type. The first part is a written exam taken by about 30,000 people per year. The written exam consists of four sections. There are two essays where one must write a quick commentary in response to a question like "Should children be allowed to carry guns to school?" or "Some say the designated hitter makes baseball more exciting, others say it is a war crime. Pick a side and argue persuasively using good logic and grammar." Nothing too exciting.

The next section is a biographical section where candidates are asked questions like "How many books on foreign cultures have you read in the last year? Name them." Is sounds easy doesn’t it? Bu then there is the little disclaimer that all claims are subject to FBI verification. While this disclaimer is made substantially less frightening by the revelation that the FBI is conducting investigations using old Commodore 64 computers, it still makes one think carefully about whether one read "Coming of Age in Samoa" 12 months ago or 13 months ago before writing it down. (Note: And you know that under the Patriot Act the FBI can get your library records to confirm the date you returned the book. So don’t think they’ll never find out.) The third section is a basic test of English grammar, wherein they give candidates a text with blanks in it and ask which of four options would best fill the blank. For example:

The U.S. and Canada have the world’s longest demilitarized border. This is due to the fact that the two countries _______________ and have extensive trading relations.

share strategic interests
Cher strategic interests
share Stratego interests
share strategic unrest,

Fairly straightforward isn’t it? Jose uses process of elimination to solve questions like this. He knows B is wrong because Celine Dionne is Canada’s diva, not Cher. He know C is wrong because the pieces for Stratego, a military board game, do not have a maple leaf on them. Finally, he knows A is wrong because, as any elementary school student knows, sharing a hat, a comb or strategic interests can all lead to head lice transmission. So by process of elimination, the answer is D "share strategic unrest."

The final section of the written exam is what Jose like to think of as the cocktail party examination or the Trivial Pursuit examination. (Note: Though lamentably no cocktails or plastic pieces of pie, either real or plastic, are provided.) In this section, the State Department asks simple questions about all manner of human endeavor. Some questions are about the U.S. Constitution, others are about geography, management philosophies or world history, and there seems to always be at least one questions about bebop jazz. Needless, to say, as a master of the unimportant, Jose dominates this segment.

It appears to be one of those tests that either one is very good at or very bad at. Jose has passed it twice, and is fairly sure that he could pass it every time if he took it every day for the rest of his life. Other people Jose knows, very bright people, very educated people don’t seem to be able to pass it. But if you can pass it, you are the sort of person the State Department is looking for, and the test seems to know. Jose knows a story of one person who smoked far too much weed and took the written exam every year on the theory that the year he failed the Foreign Service Exam would be the year that he had done enough damage to his brain and would have to quit drugs.

3. The lucky 3,000 or so who pass the written exam receive the honor of going to exotic locales like Washington D.C. or Stamford Connecticut AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE to take the oral examination. This is where Jose has a problem. The Oral exam kicks his ass. The first time he took the test, Jose failed all three sections. Yes, it was perhaps, the biggest whoopin’ of Jose’s life. Jose is use to barely failing to make the grade, not missing by a mile; it was a disorienting experience. This year he was able to pass two of the three sections and come close to passing the test. But here is the trick – passing the test does not secure one a job. No, no! If one barely passes the test, one will almost certainly not get a job. Passing merely gets one on the civil service list. One must score significantly better than the bare minimum passing grade to actually get a job. Let’s put it this way, if Jose takes the Oral exam again, and improves as much from the second to the third time as he did from the first to the second he still wouldn’t get a job. Like Jose said, this test kicks his ass.

But what is the Oral exam? Well, it comes in three sections all designed to identify whether candidates posses the "12 dimensions" of a Foreign Service Officer. The dimensions are characteristics like integrity, composure and written communication and despite their name "dimensions," they have little, if anything, to do with string theory. The first section is a group exercise wherein four or five candidates are brought into a room and each is given a dossier of information on a fictional country like Latveria or Freedonia. Each candidate is given a project in that country and a stack of memos arguing for and against it. Each candidate then presents on his project for five minutes before the group must decide on what projects to fund. Lamentably the projects always seem to have something to do with things like fire engines, jackelope refuges or "food" for the "hungry." Rarely, if ever, do they have anything to do with CIA backed coups or battling Goldfinger.

The second exercise is an administrative exercise wherein one receives the inbox of a new staffer in the same fictional country as in the group exercise. The inbox reveals a whole host of problems to be managed that, frankly, make Jose a little worried about the state of our diplomatic corps. If this exercise is to be believed, every embassy is awash petty rivalries, huge egos and termites…lots and lots of termites.

The final exercise is a structured interview. The interview is divided into two parts. In the first, the two examiners pose hypothetical questions and ask how the candidate would react. Theoretically, the candidate is not actually required to know how an embassy operates. Jose always found this disconcerting. When the questions is something like "Everyone more senior is away on a fact finding mission to a local hog farm, when a tribe of pygmies takes over the government of your host country. What do you do?" Jose always wants to answer, "Well, if Jose had advanced to this level, he likes to think that he would have, you know, TRAINING OF SOME KIND!!!"

The other portion of the structured interview consists of the examiners giving the candidate several of the dimensions and asking him to give examples of times when he has exhibited these characteristics. When they asked Jose how he had exhibited composure in the past, he longed to say "Well, Jose made it through the entire World Series without a single drink without his head exploding. How’s that for composure?" But he resisted. Perhaps he should have gone with his gut, as the structured interview was the only section he failed.

(Note to Condi Rice: See Condi, nothing that violated the agreement there. So please don’t disqualify Jose from future consideration. And if you must, remember you have to buy a copy of the KEYS BOOK to learn Jose’s real name. Umm…not that Jose’ real name isn’t Jose Melendez)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM.

1/24/05 - KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

1. The snow banks are piled six feet high in Boston’s historic North End and the New England Patriots are headed to the Super Bowl…you know what that means? Yup, it’s time to talk baseball.

It’s not that Jose doesn’t like football, Jose loves football. In fact, it is far easier for him to watch a football game between two teams he doesn’t care about than a baseball game, but two weeks to talk abut one game? Boring. So here are Jose’s options: either he can join the cacophony and spend the next two weeks yammering on and on and on about the big game, or he can delve into baseball’s offseason. And what is there really to talk about for the Super Bowl? Two weeks of “will Terrell Owens play or not” talk? Fun! And what kind of a nickname is “TO” anyway? Would you really want your star player’s nickname to stand for “turnover” or “time out” or “Tomo Okha?” Jose didn’t think so.

So on to baseball. Now that Randy Johnson has signed with the despicable New York Yankees, he needs a suitable nickname. Now “Big Eunuch” is a classic, but it’s been heavily used for Johnson already, and Jose places a premium on originality. When Jose worked at Fenway he saw Johnson walking down the concourse wearing a Beastie Boys T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off, real sophisticated like. It was one of those shirts with a picture of bees + a picture of a cup of tea + a picture some boys hanging around, like a clue from Alex Trebek’s little known other game show “Classic Concentration.” Jose could probably do something with that, but why should Jose do all the work when most of the work has already been done for him.

Reader “Willie Mays Haze” sent Jose the following unsolicited suggestion. “I wanted to suggest ‘Fabio’ for Randy Johnson's SoSH nickname, since they both exploded a bird, and the likeness is uncanny.”

Well, Johnson exploded a bird with a fastball and Fabio exploded a bird by having it fly into his head while he was on a roller coaster, but it both cases the bird exploded from being struck with a dense object at high velocity. Makes sense to Jose. So while Jose cannot dictate SoSH nicknames, he can dictate nicknames here in Melendezville. So from this day forward the Yankees gangly, soon to be bust, will be known as “Fabio Johnson.”

2. You knew that Jose couldn’t go too long without addressing A-Rod’s little fit about Curt Euro didn’t you? The Globe’s Chris Snow caught the Sultan of Slap (Note: Jose knows this nickname belongs to Ichiro, but isn’t it better suited to A-Rod now?) accusing the Sox ace of crying on the bench after his poor ALCS Game 1 performance and of talking incessantly since his Game 6 victory.

Of course, Euro talked incessantly before Game 6 and during Game 6 as well. Jose suspects Euro even talks in his sleep.

Could it be that Euro’s comment that the A-Rod’s slap at Bronson Arroyo was “Bush-League” and that Derek Jeter would never do something like that is still grating on “the greatest player in baseball?”

It was very odd to see the loser criticize the winner for moping and whining. It almost never happens. You see winners criticize losers for complaining or moping all of the time (Note: See Patriots vs. Colts) but rarely the other way round. In fact, the closest analogy Jose can think of is the second Tyson-Holyfield fight. After Mike Tyson was disqualified for twice biting Evander Holyfield’s ears while on the wrong end of a whoopin’, Tyson co-manager John Horne, ripped Holyfield for “jump[ing] around like a little bitch.” Horne ripped the superior fighter for reacting strongly to having a piece of his ear removed en route to a win, and A-Rod rips the superior baseball player for taking a poor performance hard and then calling a foul a foul while on the way to ultimate victory. Yes, Alex Rodriguez, this is the company you now keep. You thought that going to the Yankees would let you walk in eternity with Ruth and Gehrig, and instead you are forever pared with one of the fight game’s dandy conmen. As the old touch football saying goes “winners talk, losers walk.” Start walking jerk.

3. Finally, Jose must say a fond farewell to DLowe The Paranoid Android a.k.a Megatron as he moves to Los Angeles for a contract that is well in excess of his value. Jose is not only sad that the Red Sox lost a player who played such a key role in the postseason, but that the Massachusetts tech economy has lost yet another battle with California. First, the computer industry moves from Boston to California, then the dotcoms go West and now robotics heads to California as well. Jose can only hope that the folks at Cal Tech have better luck keeping DLowe running at peak efficiency than the gang at MIT.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO HOT STOVE.

1/21/05 - KEYS TO ASPEN

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO ASPEN.

1. It’s been 17 days since Jose last posted. That’s right…count ‘em…17 days. That’s almost as long as Tony Castrati’s midseason disappearance. Speculation has been rampant about Jose’s whereabouts. Has he been secretly negotiating to bring Carlos Delgado to the Red Sox? Had he been kidnapped by a street gang and made to write KEYS for a member felled by a gunshot wound? Had Tony Castrati simply had enough and taken Jose on one of those dreaded “Boston Herald Cab Rides?” While all of those theories may be technically true, they are less technically true than the theory that Jose was on his first real vacation in 11 months, to Aspen, Colorado.

Now, Jose knows what a lot of you are thinking. “Wait a second Jose. Isn’t Aspen mostly a playground for the rich, how could you, a mere non-profit project manager and unpaid blogger, possibly afford to go there?”

Fantastic question!!! Next time you should ask it rather than just thinking it, and speak up more in class as well.

The answer, of course is that Jose sold so many copies of the KEYS book that he is now able to live in a style more suited to a man of his tastes and refinements. Jose used to eat crawfish, now he eats lobster; he used to drink Andre pink champagne, now he drinks Crystal(ino); he used to ski at Nashoba Valley, now he skis at Aspen Mountain. And his home? Well, you’ll see it on MTV Cribs soon enough, but suffice it to say, he has one room with wall to wall carpeting, and another with the finest linoleum. That’s right TWO ROOMS. Take that you studio apartment suckers.

“But, Jose,” you must be thinking now. “Why Aspen? A man of your wealth and refinement could easily take his vacations in the Netherlands Antilles with Ted DiBiase. Why go to the mountains rather than the beach?”

Outstanding question!!!

As you know, Jose never travels strictly for pleasure, he is far too important to simply put business on hold for two weeks. Jose did indeed go to Aspen for a reason, the only reason anyone goes to Aspen— to subvert the new Major League steroid testing regime. Jose has been honest about his use of the substances known as “the cream” and “the clear” during the previous season, secure in the knowledge that nothing he did was forbidden at the time. But now? Now, Major League Baseball has a (more) real steroid testing policy, a first offense could earn Jose a 10 game suspension (Note: Long enough to take another vacation…hmmmmm) and to be frank, Jose is not sure he can make it through a 162 game season without some performance enhancement. Do you think it’s easy to write on a Saturday morning with a hangover without enhancement? It is not.

So Jose went to Aspen for six days of skiing and seven nights of autologous blood donation. Jose is certain that when the Sox need that extra boost next season, those super oxygenated pints will fit nicely into Jose’s arteries. Also, each time he donated he got free juice and cookies, which is about all he could afford for a meal in Aspen.

2. Everyone in Aspen has a cause. Some of the beautiful people who frolic there want to save the rain forests, other want to free Tibet, and still others want to reunite the Smiths…worthy causes one and all. And it made Jose think…shouldn’t Jose adopt a cause as his own? Shouldn’t Jose lend the burning spotlight of his celebrity to some worthy cause, and in turn enjoy the gentle glow of decency that such activity imbues? And Aspen offered so many good ideas for causes: an increase in the Colorado luxury tax, a ban on fur trapping (Note: Or alternatively an increase in fur trapping, but allowing those wearing furs to be trapped as well…it’s not that Jose’s an animal rights nut, he just dislikes decadence.), or even increased funding for snow plowing. There are so many good ideas, and so many people need Jose’s help, but frankly all of them were a little bit too controversial for Jose. Instead, Jose has decided to take a firm and unequivocal position in opposition to foot binding. JOSE WILL NEVER AGAIN TOLERATE THE BARBARIC AND SENSELESS BINDING OF FEET!!!! And if Jose loses a reader or two in 19th century China due to his boldness, so be it.

You see, foot binding has affected Jose personally. On his first day in Aspen, Jose put on his brand new ski boots from REI and found they were a bit uncomfortable, but Jose is no pansy, he wasn’t going to complain, he was going to be a man and ski with them. Needless, to say, by the end of the day Jose was in excruciating pain, was whining constantly to the Melendezette and anyone else who would listen and had ensured that at least one toenail will be falling off soon. (Note: Actually, this is an annual tradition for Jose. He goes skiing and then six weeks later a toenail falls off, it’s like the Groundhog seeing his shadow.) It turns out that REI had given him the incorrect boots and that these were two sizes too small. REI Fed Exd the correct boots shortly thereafter, but not before Jose had learned an important lesson—small feet may be pretty, but foot binding is wrong…very, very wrong, and Jose urges you to join him in his courageous stand against it.

3. There was one genuinely unsettling aspect to the trip. (Note: Okay two, but Jose isn’t going to discuss the people selling bull semen at the National Western Stock Show in Denver.) The first night Jose was in Aspen, there was apparently some sort of violent crime in the condo immediately next door to the one he and his friends were staying in. Jose doesn’t know what it was except to say that a woman was screaming obscenities at 4 AM (Note: Though Jose has to take this information from others, he slept through the shouting, just as he does with car alarms, jack hammers, and light weapons fire.), the police came and arrested the residents of the condo and there was a box of latex gloves outside of the door the next day.

In possibly unrelated news, the next day the Aspen Free Press reported that O.J. Simpson was in Aspen. Really.

(Note: Jose knows that it is wrong to use a crime for blog fodder, but the O.J. joke was just too easy.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO ASPEN.

1/4/05 KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.

1. Wait…don’t go. Please. Don’t just see that the theme for today’s KEYS is wrestling and just give up on them. Jose knows that professional wrestling is low-brow entertainment with limited appeal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have anything important to say about American society. In fact, it offers important information on how we feel about "candy asses," zombies and scantily clad women. Actually, today’s KEYS isn’t really about wrestling at all. (Note: This KEYS is about wrestling). It’s really about social justice.

2. Wrestling has a rich history of ethnic and racial stereotyping. Until the end of the cold war, Russian wrestlers were all brutal Stalinists. Long after World War II had ended, Japanese wrestlers were still sneaky. And Iranian Olympic Bronze medalist the Iron Sheik, emerged shortly after the hostage crisis and became perhaps the most evil man in all of wrestling. Hell, there were even evil New Zealanders named the Sheepherders who hated Americans for taking their family farms. (Note: Later known as the lovable Bushwhackers.) But all of these wrestling characters had something in common. They hated the U.S. and wanted bad things to happen to us. Yes it was low brow, and stoked jingoism and perhaps even bigotry, but at least it was this odd sort of morality play where we hated them because they wanted to destroy our country. (Note: Or pretended to anyway.) Today, it is different.

Following September 11, a lot of wrestling fans hoped that the WWF (Note: Jose will never call it the WWE. Screw the World Wildlife Fund.) would not cynically use a national tragedy to advance story lines. After all, during the Gulf War, GI Joe hero Sgt. Slaughter became an Iraqi sympathizer (along with the Iron Sheik, who somehow went from being Iranian to Iraqi.) Eventually, Sarge was allowed to be an American again rather than face treason charges. Go figure.

Jose tends to expect the worst from wrestling, but was pleasantly surprised when the WWF did not work 9-11 or war angles. An episode of Smackdown (Note: Jose thinks) was one of the first public events after 9-11 and featured wrestlers breaking character and talking about their feelings and U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist leading the pledge of allegiance. It probably shouldn’t have been canceled, but it wasn’t offensive or exploitative and it was honest.

Needless to say, this exercise it good taste couldn’t continue forever. Recently, the WWF has introduced an Arab-American wrestler named Muhammed Hassan and an Arab manager, Daivari. In an earlier time Hassan’s gimmick would have been that he was an evil Arab who is sympathetic to Al-Qaeda and wants to destroy the U.S. That would have been very, very bad…it would have been horrible. This is worse.

Hassan doesn’t want to destroy America, he’s not from Saudi Arabia or Iraq, he’s from Michigan, and his complaint is that he is stereotyped and persecuted for being an Arab-American. So rather than being hated, because he wants to destroy us. He is hated because he wants to be one of us. He is hated because he has the gall to suggest that Arab-Americans are as American as anyone else, and should not have their civil rights constrained.
Hell, he even brings data to the table. In what Jose is sure is a first for pro-wrestling, Hassan urged fans to go to http://news.cornell.edu to look at a survey saying that 44 percent of Americans believe the U.S. government should curtail some civil liberties for Muslims. Can you imagine Hulk Hogan urging fans to look at a Princeton study indicating that 25 percent of the population suffered from Hulkamania while only 15 percent was afflicted by Macho Madness?

This is really bad. This is as bad as it would have been if the famed Midsouth wrestling association where Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman feuded had developed an African-American character in the 60s who was hated because he demanded the write to vote or desegregation. (Note: Of course the WWF, has a nation of Islam knockoff complete with a bow tied manager called the "Nation of Domination," not much better."
All of this is especially terrible in light of the fact that the WWF does morale tours for the troops in Iraq. Can you imagine the reaction if the Iraqi Wrestling Federation had an American character who went out and talked about how great torturing Arabs at Abu Gharib was. Fox News and Drudge would be all over it.

3. What Jose would like to see is an increase in the number of instances where professional wrestling supports social justice. One of the few good examples is Col. DeBeers. DeBeers was one of the most hated wrestlers in the old American Wrestling Association because his gimmick was that he was a bigoted, pro-apartheid South African wrestler. Sometimes he would even refuse to wrestle black opponents. Jose remembers him going on vicious, bigoted rants about blacks and AIDS as fans poured garbage down on him. It was refreshing to see stereotypes being put to good use.

But what Jose especially liked about this loathsome character was that he used took the name of South Africa’s despicable DeBeers diamond cartel. Jose really, really hates the cartel. Not only has it supported apartheid, fueled diamond wars around the world and driven up the price of a relatively plentiful commodity, it invented the idea that an engagement ring should cost two months salary out of thin air. That’s right. They made it up.

"How else can two months salary last forever?" Hellooooo….international star registry.

But their marketing is so good, that they have actually convinced people that this is some long standing tradition. In fact, they almost convinced Jose that if he ever wanted to get engaged, he should quit his job and find something for minimum wage for a couple of months just to bring the cost down. Okay, so maybe the Col. DeBeers gimmick didn’t bring down apartheid or break up the cartel, but at least it made a few more people aware that there was something bad going on in the world. Jose wants to see more of this. In fact, next week on WWF RAW, Jose demands to see a new character named "The Million Dollar Man" George Steinbrenner.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.

1/2/05 KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS.

1. Jose’s original plan was for today’s KEYS to focus entirely on making some New Year’s resolutions, but as Al Gore once said, "The situation has changed." After reading Bob Hohler’s excellent piece on Terry Eurona’s management of clubhouse strife in 2004, it would be irresponsible of Jose not to comment. For Jose to refrain from commenting on this piece would be like Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino refraining from kicking a player on his way out the door. Improbable, but most likely a good idea.

Yes, Jose will still bring you two, count ‘em two KEYS full of resolutions, but breaking news comes first. And besides, Jose can’t possibly watch today’s miserable Patriots match up without doing something else.

The gist of the story is that Terry Eurona received all manner of resistance and disrespect from his players in 2004. Yet he managed to win them over and keep the club together by aggressively managing players inside the clubhouse while publicly taking personal responsibility for their misdeeds. The story looks at three specific instances: Pedro’s early departure on opening day, Manny’s anger at being put on waivers, and Nomar’s decision to sit out against the Yankees.

This approach of "keeping it in the clubhouse" worked so well, that the Red Sox, apparently, had no choice but to go to Bob Hohler after the season and expose every issue that was handled in clubhouse. Makes sense to Jose. How does Jose know that Red Sox management was the source for the story? Well, who else would it be? John W. Henry, Leisure Suit Larry and Terry Eurona are the only people quoted in the piece and they are the only ones, presumably with anything to gain.

So here is where we stand now. Pedro is gone and said some awfully mean things on his way out, so exposing his petulance is fair game, if not a bit childish. Nomar is gone too, so not too much harm done, though parting shots seem petty. But Manny? Manny, when last Jose checked, is still on this team, and Manny was, with the exception of one borderline injury, a model citizen. So you tell the whole world that he was furious at the team at the beginning of the season for attempting to deal him. And this is after spending several weeks trying to trade him to the Mets. Now Manny knows that the team would still like to be rid of his contract and that either way management is going to let the press know about a fight nine months ago. Needless to say, he must be delighted with his situation for next year.

Jose’s point is that if the key to success was keeping these disputes in the clubhouse, then why not continue to keep them in the clubhouse? Of course, if Jose had been manager all three situations would have been handled differently.

THE SITUATAION: Pedro leaves Camden Yards before the game was over during the opening day loss.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: Challenge Pedro privately while publicly stating that the reason Pedro left was that the rules had not been explained to him.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Jose is a little more passive aggressive, so he wouldn’t have confronted Pedro directly. Instead, he would have taught him an object lesson. The next time Pedro started, Jose would have left the game himself after six innings, thus leaving Pedro in to pitch the rest of the game regardless of his fatigue level. That would teach Pedro that there are consequences when someone leaves the team early. What? Grady Little already tried that?

THE SITUATION: After asking not to play against the Yankees, Nomar asks in late in the 13 inning classic.
EURONA’S RESPONSE: He refused to let Nomar in, but publicly said it was due to his injury.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Ummm…Jose would have let Nomar hit. As he recalls, Little Cesar Crespo got an At Bat in extra innings. That should never ever happen. Never. Not even if Eurona had to give the At Bat to Craig Grebek himself.

THE SITUATION: Manny lashes out at Eurona at the start of spring training.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: He let Manny vent and kept it in the clubhouse.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: No dessert for Manny at the next post-game buffet, while making a big point of eating several desserts in front of Manny.
Clearly, Eurona’s approach worked, that’s why he’s the manager and Jose is just a guy who knows how to do everything better despite not having so much as a day of little league experience.

3. As promised, Jose has a few New Year’s resolutions to make:

A. Jose resolves to be meaner to the media. This worked so well for Jose last year. He started a feud with Eric Kneel and got a chirpy, stupid little response from Chris Rattey at boston.com. Good publicity, good times. Still, Jose has yet to successfully bait Tony Castrati into a feud. He must redouble his efforts.

Jose resolves to come up with nicknames for David Wells, Manny Ramirez and Alan Embree. (Note: Boomer is a stupid nickname for Wells. Jose will NOT use it.) Jose was going to add Wade Miller to the list, but he got a head start on the year, and already got one for him. Since Bill Mueller is already known as "Umlaut," for the u with two dots that the ue in his name represents, Wade Miller will be "Ohne Umlaut" or "Ohne" for short, since he has the true American version of Miller, which requires no strange foreign marks.

Jose resolves to expand KEYS merchandise sales in to higher end items like commemorative plates, decorative spoons and velvet paintings. (Note: With apologies to Sideshow Bob’s marketing plan.)

Will Jose actually do these things? Well, no. Of course not. They’re New Year’s resolutions for pete’s sake.

3. Finally, Jose will offer a few resolutions he would like to see some Red Sox, ex-Red Sox and a few hated enemies make. Jose knows it’s a tired device, but material is material.

David Wells— Eat less and exercise more.
Keith Foulke – Step in and settle the hockey lockout. He’s got to be missing his favorite sport.
Curt Euro – Even though everyone loves hearing what he has to say, learn that every once in a while, not often, just occasionally, it is a good idea to keep one’s mouth shut.
Pedro Martinez – To pitch absolutely brilliantly…when the Mets face the Yankees.
Dave Roberts – To get as many free beers as possible from Red Sox fans…you earned it.
Mosey Nixon – To buy a plane ticket to spring training. No injury inducing car rides for you.
Manny Ramirez – To keep proving the Red Sox every time they try to get rid of you.
David Ortiz – To start watching Lost or Arrested Development regularly. (Note: No Friends reruns.)
Jason Varitek – To punch A-Rod in the face again when you have the chance.
Larry Lucchino – To occasionally let an opportunity to screw someone slide.
Alex Rodriguez – To have a doctor look at those blue lips. That seems like a sign of frostbite to Jose, and you'd look moderately stranger with no lips.
Jason Giambi – To decline a buyout from the Yankees. You thought being a Yankee meant doing anything it takes, you did, they should pay.
George Steinbrenner – To reacquire Mel Hall and Jessie Barfield to round out the outfield.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS.

12-30-04 KEYS TO NEW YEAR'S

BUY THE KEYS 2004 BOOK -- LAST CHANCE BEFORE IT BECOMES OUTDATED

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.

1. Hello and welcome to Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE. Jose is coming to you live from Circle Gets the Square in Melendezville where tens if not scores of people have gathered to watch the baseball drop, sip Andre "pink champagne" or Mr. Boston vodka from carefully concealed flasks, hang from street lights, and smash shop windows. Yes, whether you’re an alcoholic or merely a hoodlum, there’s something for everyone here, and that’s what keeps ‘em coming year after year.

Jose will be with you all through the night as we celebrate the new year here in Melendezville and across these United States. Once midnight has passed here, we’ll send you to celebrations live from Akron, Ohio; Winter Park, Colorado and Bakersfield, California so you can enjoy the best parties from every major time zone.

And we’ll be bringing you the hottest in music and entertainment. The Bangles are in the hoooouussssseeeee. And, get this, Billy Ocean is here!!! And if that’s not a enough, we might even have a special guest. And Jose’s not saying it is The Cowsills, but he’s not saying it isn’t either.

Now let’s kick off the party with a look at 2004 the year that was.

2. By any reckoning 2004, was a spectacular year for the city of Boston. The Patriots won the Super Bowl, The RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES, the Democratic National Convention went swimingly and Boston Rob finished second on Survivor All-Stars, but still married his way into a share of the winner’s purse. Actually, screw this. We all know what happened in 2004. We were there, it wasn’t even that long ago, and worst of all, Jose’s got nothing funny to add. Nothing. So instead let’s present the nominees for Jose Melendez’s 2004 Person of the Year. The nominees are:

Curt Euro -- Who taught us all about grit, determination, ankle anatomy and even self-promotion while on the way to winning three post season starts. (Note: Jose has no problem with self-promotion, he’s just making an observation.)

Megatron Lowe – Who taught us that being a little crazy and sucking for an entire year doesn’t mean you can’t come up big when you need to. Wait…scratch that it’s PERSON of the year. Robots need not apply.

David Ortiz – Who taught us all that even if you are so whipped that you say Friends is your favorite show despite being a giant Dominican man, it doesn’t mean you’re not a badass.

Johnny Damon – Who taught us that the second coming is significantly more pleasant for non-believers than it is portrayed in Revelations.

And the winner is….

Alexander Fleming, the inventor of antibiotics. Sorry. Jose thinks this guy should win every year, as Jose has long said he would rather be Jose today, than a Rockefeller in 1911. His invention kept Jose from dying from cellulitis before the Sox won the World Series, and for that, Jose salutes you.

3. Finally, let’s take a look ahead to 2005, and see what surprises the coming year has in store for us.

A. Sox right hander Wade Miller will go on Barbara Walters to talk about his struggle with sex addiction and then be thrown from a moving car by his wife. This seems like it happens every time the Red Sox have a Wade.

B. And speaking of Wades, 2005 will be the year when Wade Boggs finally does a Viagra ad. It’s a natural isn’t it?

"Hi, I’m Wade Boggs, batting champion, soon to be hall of famer, equestrian and sex addict, and when my bat speed slowed down, it got hard to keep doing what made me famous. That’s why I use Viagra."

C. The Red Sox 10-year, $40 million investment in catcher Jason Varitek will be proven unwise when Varitek is lost at sea. Varitek will go out to sea, after concluding that his new status as Red Sox Captain must mean that he knows something about boats.

D. Prior to being lost at sea, Varitek will supplement his income by performing weddings on off days, under the provision that allows captains to officiate.

E. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein will no longer be referred to as "30-year old Theo Epstein." He will suddenly, inexplicably be referred to as "31 year old Theo Epstein" instead.

F. The meaning of Pedro Martinez’s "Yankees are my daddy" comment will finally become clear when it is revealed that he is descended from a U.S. Marine who was part of the 1965 invasion of the Dominican Republic.

We’ve got to take a short break but we’ll keep partying through the night. Up next, the smooth sound of Color Me Bad.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.

12/27/04 KEYS TO THE UKRAINIAN ELECTION

BUY THE KEYS BOOK -- IT'S ANOMINALLY BETTER GIFT THAN FRANKINCENSE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE UKRAINIAN ELECTION.

1. Well, this is a surprise. When the Red Sox ended their 86 year old World Series drought, Jose was certain, CERTAIN, that it would be the most shocking, dramatic end to a streak in the entire world this year. But he was wrong. Sure the Red Sox world championship was spectacular and dramatic and ended a streak of excruciating length. Indeed, it made Jose happier than anything else in this world, but it just wasn’t the longest or most shocking end to a streak in 2004. More shocking still is the fact for the first time since the founding of Kyiv in 482 A.D. the people of Ukraine have freely and fairly elected their government. That means the end to a 1522 year drought – a long freaking time.

It was so long, in fact, that many Ukrainians had started to think they were – get this – cursed. Jose knows that it sounds ridiculous to us as sophisticated Westerners, but many Ukrainians had bought into the idea that there was a “Curse of Volodymyr the Great.” The theory, put forth by a pseudo historian/newspaper columnist named Bohdan Shaughnischenko, held that Volodymyr the Great, the king who made Kyivan Rus (the Kingdom from which modern Ukraine sprung) a major power in eastern Europe, put a curse on Ukraine after his sons Sviatopolk I of Turiv and Yaroslav the Wise of Novgorod challenged his rule near the end of his life.

Over the course of centuries, Ukraine would come close to having a decent and democratic government, but something would always go wrong. After World War I, Ukraine was independent briefly, but then the Soviets rolled in; so close but yet so far. It must have been the curse. Then in 1991, Ukraine became an independent country and held elections, but they were neither free, nor fair. Somehow the curse stuffed the ballot box and intimidated voters.

This year looked like it was going to be more of the same. The opposition ran a serious and credible candidate who looked like he could win, but just when the exit polls showed him with a 10 percent lead, the official results shoed him losing by 3 percent. All over the land of the black earth, Ukrainians couldn’t believe that they’d been sucked in again, only to have the curse break their hearts. But then a funny thing, happened. The proponents of democracy started to rally, the Ukrainian Supreme Court reversed key decisions (Note: Sound familiar Sox fans?) and all of a sudden democracy had a second chance. Proponents of dictatorship got nervous. Their newspapers ran pictures of Volodymyr with headlines like “Put Me on the Ballot,” and they dragged out Lenin’s carcass to give a speech at one of their political rallies. But it was too late. As soon as the forces of democracy believed they could win, they had won. On December 26, 2004 democracy in Ukraine completed the come back. It came back from 3-0 down to its ancient rival, dictatorship, and won in spectacular fashion. Today, no one can quite believe it, but everyone is happy. Today is different from yesterday.

Obviously, the bit above was fictional, but in a real way the people of Ukraine were cursed: Cursed, by centuries of cruel and/or incompetent government, cursed with a nearly indefensible geography and cursed with exploitation by imperial masters one after another. But today, Ukraine has given itself a blessing – a government chosen by the people and accountable to the people.

2. Jose will admit that he was surprised last week when the Miami Dolphins wore orange uniforms for only the second time in their history. That said Jose greatly appreciates their show of solidarity with Ukraine’s “Orange Revolution.” (Note: What was the reason for them to wear orange uniforms the first time? A protestant rejection of the Good Friday Accords? Support for Orange County during its bankruptcy crisis? Advocacy for the ascent of William of Orange to the British crown in the Glorious Revolution?) It’s good to see football teams taking an interest in the world.

Jose is also happy to see the Washington Redskins and Kansas City Chiefs showing their support for European Social Democratic parties with their red jerseys. (Note: Since the U.S. has been divided into red and blue America, how is it that the conservatives are represented by red? Everywhere else in the world, red is the color of the left. The significance of blue seems to vary, but in Austria it is the color of the far right, xenophobic Freedom Party.) Jose was less happy to see the Jets, Packers and Eagles showing their support for the Green Party. Jose leans to the left, but those people are just plain nutty.

3. This final KEY doesn’t really have much to do with the current situation in Ukraine, but it’s a Soviet themed KEY, and Jose has wanted to work it in for a while. Somehow there just aren’t enough good opportunities to talk about the Soviet Union in KEYS about free agent pitching or the situation at shortstop. So here is Jose’s question: Is Tetris the greatest accomplishment of Soviet society? The other candidates would seem to be Sputnik, the defeat of Hitler and the Soviet National Anthem. Jose, has to go with Tetris. While Sputnik was an extraordinary scientific and technical accomplishment, it was quickly matched and improved on by others. Tetris has never been improved on. Welltris? Please. While the defeat of Hitler was a monumental task and a crucial event in the history of the world, the Soviets needed the British and Americans to do it. Tetris was a Soviet accomplishment alone. And the Soviet National Anthem? It’s a great anthem full of pomp and enthusiasm. (Note: What can Jose say? He likes socialist realist art despite being an ardent democrat.) However, even that stirring anthem could be terrible when sung by wrestler Nikolai Volkoff. Volkoff never managed to make Tetris unappealing.

So there you have it. In its 74 years of history, the Soviet Union’s greatest accomplishment was the computer game about little shapes made of four boxes each. Jose knows that it seems small, but it isn’t really. After all, what was America’s greatest accomplishment between 1917 and 1991? Probably putting a man on the moon right? While Jose has never heard Carl Everett say he doesn’t believe in Tetris, so at worst it’s a push for the Soviets.

I’m Jose Melendez, and that is my KEYS TO THE UKRAINIAN ELECTION.

12/23/04 KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

BUY THE KEYS BOOK – BECAUSE EASTER IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

With special guests: The Smothers Brothers, Bea Arthur, the Cast of Caroline in the City and music from Bel Biv Devoe.

1. Jose Melendez: Oh, hellllooooo. Come on in. Why not grab a cup of egg nog and pull up a cold steel folding chair by the fire. Or you could sit on the floor. The floor’s good too. But not too close to the space heater. That thing can burn your skin right off. What’s that? Yes, the fire is technically the oven, but fire is fire and Jose has on his carbon monoxide detector so we probably won’t suffocate.

Well, now that you’re comfortable, hello and welcome to the very first Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, live from Boston’s historic North End. Jose was just doing a few holiday preparations when you got here. Hanging lights, baking cookies, pouring vodka, you know, real Christmas stuff.

It’s so great of blogger.com to give Jose this opportunity to share this holiday with all of his friends out there in Melendezville and around the world. And to our fighting men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan, Jose sends his sincere thanks and best wishes for a quick and safe return home.

We’ve had a lot of fun over the past year from the Red Sox World Championship to the Hot Stove to—

(Doorbell rings)

Why who could that be? Not a special Christmas guest? Maybe it’s a special Christmas guest. Let’s go and see?

(Opens Door)

Why, why it’s Little Cesar Crespo. Merry Christmas Cesar.

Cesar Crespo: It’s not a very Merry Christmas for Cesar Crespo, Jose.

Jose Melendez: But Cesar, you’re getting a championship ring this year and a partial playoff share, how could this Christmas be anything but merry?

Cesar Crespo: Well, Jose I’m really depressed. I keep thinking about the past season and wondering, if I made a difference. I keep wondering if it might not have been better if I was never even on the team.

Jose Melendez: Oh Cesar, that’s no way to think. Let’s look back, and Jose bets it will turn out that you had a wonderful season.

(Chimes sound, screen goes blurry, fades into Cesar Crespo highlight reel. It is a short reel.)

See Cesar without your two RBI the Red Sox might never have… No, wait they won each of those games by more than 1. But without your six runs… Wait, no those weren’t decisive either. But at least you worked some key walks and showed your commitment to improving your plate discipline. Oh…nope.

Cesar Crespo: See? See what I’m talking about. I can’t help it, I’m just not a very good baseball player.

Jose Melendez: Well, Cesar maybe your really didn’t have a wonderful season and maybe nothing would have been different had they replaced you with scarecrow, but it’s Christmas and it’s no time for self pity. Now grab a bottle of vodka and drown those tears away. (Note: How good are things with the Red Sox these days? Jose still has to pick on Cesar Crespo. Cesar, if you’re out there, no hard feelings, Merry Christmas, and Jose is absolutely going to have as many RBI as you next year.)

(Doorbell rings)

Jose Melendez: And who could that be?

(answers door)

2. Why, it’s the three wise men, John W. Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino, and Jose will just bet they have a holiday song for us.

(Cue “We Three Kings”)

(Trio)
We three owners of the Red Sox,
Won’t cave in to those greedy jocks,
Won our rings, now reorganize things,
But we’ll still lead the league in walks

(Refrain)
Oh-oh Nixon still will start in right,
Pedro took a southward flight,
OC’s gone, brought ER on
And Manny plays every night.

(Henry)
Scott Boras can be such a pain,Gold’s his goal, though I can’t complain,Over pay? Not me, no way But still the Red Sox do reign

(Refrain)

(Werner)
This should have been my bidding group,But Bud Selig ordered a coup,
Paid my share, but still it’s not fair,
Les Otten was just a dupe

(Refrain)

(Lucchino)
I’m the one who plays the bad guy,
Takes the rap for Pedro’s goodbye,
Contract mess? I’ll call the press,
But no, I would NEVER lie.

Oh-oh Nixon still will start in right,
Pedro took a southward flight,
OC’s gone, brought ER on
And Manny plays every night.

3. Jose Melendez: Wow, that was terrific wise men. Jose had no idea that you could sing such wonderful three part harmony. You should teach Theo to play the organ and then you would be all set. You could be on the next “Hot Stove, Cool Music” together.

Well, this is just about the most magical Christmas Jose has ever had. Jose knows that we all got what we wanted this year, a world championship for our beloved Red Sox and lots of nice Red Sox DVD’s, new ball caps and copies of the KEYS BOOK, under the tree.

But let’s not forget what Christmas is really about. Sure it’s about presents and family and peace, but when you really stop and think about it, it’s a day when Christians worldwide, excluding Orthodox, Greek Catholics, Copts and some others, but including Unitarians, come together to celebrate the birth of Johnny Damon.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I’m Jose Melendez, and that is my KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

12/22/04 KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE

BUY THE KEYS BOOK – IT CAN STILL BE THERE FOR CHRISTMAS IF YOU ARE ORTHODOX OR GREEK CATHOLIC

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

1. This time the Yankees were sure they had Randy Johnson sewn up. They were absolutely positive. How sure were they? So sure that they declared the deal complete on no fewer than 672 occasions. And the deal was complete. Complete like Schubert’s unfinished symphony, complete like an Eli Manning pass, complete like the Yankees sweep of the Red Sox, complete like a crossword puzzle requiring a French word, complete like a Carlos Quintana visa application, complete like a Rosie Ruiz marathon, complete like a Mike Mussina perfect game, complete like Jose’s effort on today’s KEYS.

So needless to say, as of now, Randy Johnson is not a Yankee. But what went wrong? How exactly did the deal unravel? Rumors and theories abound. Some say Javier Vasquez refused to take a physical because he doesn’t want to be a Dodger. Others say he refused a physical because he was on vacation. Jose’s personal theory is that he refused a physical because he heard there might be a tetanus shot involved and he has a thing about needles.

Some theorists say that the Dodgers pulled out of the deal upon realizing that trading two quality major leaguers for a handful of magic beans might not be the best idea. Sure the beans sound good in theory, but Jose will bet you anything that when Dodgers GM Paul DePodesta brought them home to the McCourts, the tyrannical Jamie McCourt would have hurled them out the window in a fury and the next thing you know, there’d be a 100 foot tall bean stock in the middle of Dodger Stadium. And what’s worse, Giants have been known to come down those things, and you know how Dodgers fans feel about Giants.

Of course, if you don’t buy into theories that rely on phobias or horticulture, we can always use Occam’s Razor to think this through. (Note to the Gillette company: For your next razor, instead of having five blades, vibration and laser guidance, consider making a really simple but excellent one blade razor and call it “Occam’s Razor” and market it under the slogan, “The simplest is probably the best.”) The Dodgers realized that being involved in a deal that helped a division rival rebuild and the richest team in baseball load up without getting an obscene ransom was probably a bad idea and wouldn’t do a thing to put more butts in seats in L.A. or more cars in lots in South Boston.

2. As part of its tribute to the Red Sox, the Boston Globe Magazine last Sunday featured the “Ultimate Red Sox Crossword Puzzle. For the most part it was, perhaps, the easiest crossword puzzle Jose had ever done, but there were a few clues that caught him

Clue: Heroic Schilling of the injured ankle
Globe Answer: Curt
Jose’s Answer: Euro

Clue: Sort of English on a Lowe Sinker
Globe Answer: Topspin
Jose’s Answer: Energon

Clue: Free ____ (How Mann and Pokey came to Boston)
Globe Answer: Agency
Jose’s Answer: Monies

Clue: Career Sox Pitching Category Led by Roger Clemens
Globe Answer: Starts
Jose’s Answer: Chokes (Note: Jose went through a lot of ideas on this one: blisters, losses to Dave Stewart, pounds overweight, but chokes was the only one that had the right number of letters.

Clue: Place for Leskanic, Mendoza et. al. to warm up
Globe Answer: Bullpen
Jose’s Answer: Ft. Myers

Clue: Game to warm up players reflexes
Globe Answer: Pepper
Jose’s Answer: Tetris

Clue: Nickname of New York’s Mussina
Globe Answer: Moose
Jose’s Answer: Loser

Clue: Brings together as a team
Globe Answer: Unites
Jose’s Answer: Whisky

3. Another big news item is the Red Sox’s signing of right hander Matt Clement to bolster the starting rotation. Jose likes this move a lot, and thinks Clement’s high K rate could make him a star. That said, the minute he goes south, Jose will start referring to him as Matt Inclement. Jose just googled it, no one else has used it yet, so Eric (K)neel be forewarned, Jose owns that pejorative.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

12/17/04 KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE

THE KEYS BOOK--BUY IT AGAIN FOR THE FIRST TIME

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

1. There are a lot of things in the world of baseball that could disturb Jose Melendez today. He could be disturbed by the fact that ESPN told him that Randy Johnson was headed to the Yankees last night. (Note: Of course, ESPN was lying, but it still didn’t feel too good. It’s like someone telling you a friend was seriously injured in an accident, and then saying he was just kidding. Sure you’re relieved that there was no accident, but you’re scared and disturbed by the fact that someone would make up such a mean spirited lie.) He could be disturbed by the fact that Tim Hudson, the best available pitcher is gone to the Braves. (Note: Sorry to the good people of Hudson. Jose appreciates your effort. Can you change your town’s name to Sheets or Burnett now?) (Additional Note: Is it true that the town of Mt. Washington, Massachusetts was named in honor of the Patriots signing mountainous defensive lineman Ted Washington in 2003?) He could be disturbed that Pedro is taking some odd shots at the Red Sox on his way out. He could even be disturbed by the growing evidence that the only members of the 2004 squad who will be there to hoist the flag on opening day will be Kevin Youkilis and Johnny Damon. (Note: Though as long as Little Crespo isn’t there, Jose can deal.) But Jose doesn’t sweat the small stuff, no sir.

What really disturbs Jose is the revelation in the Faith Rewarded DVD that David Ortiz’s favorite television program is Friends. Pardon? Friends? Seriously?

You are David Ortiz, the Dominican Jimmy Foxx, Big Papi scourge of the Yankees, king of the post season, ravager of right handed pitching…Friends? People used to fear you in the batters box. Pitchers hands would tremble, opposing fans would weep. When Jared Washburn came in to face you in the game 3 of the division series, do you know what he was thinking?

“I am terrified of this man. Terrified.”

Do you know what he’ll be thinking next time?

“I wonder if David sent a get well card to Matthew Perry when he was in rehab.”

Do you know what Paul Quantrill thought in game 4 of the ALCS before you cranked the game winner?

“This guy is a monster, a clutch monster, and I don’t like my chances.”

And now?

“Most guys like Monica or Rachel, but I bet David likes Phoebe. Yup, he seems like a Phoebe guy. I bet he likes how she plays the guitar and loves animals.”

This is a big problem, and it needs to be addressed right away. (Note: Big Papi gave Scarface as his favorite movie. How is it even possible for someone to have Friends as his favorite TV show and Scarface as his favorite movie. The only more ridiculous combination Jose can think of would be Full House and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.)

So here’s what Jose proposes: Ortiz needs to find a new favorite TV show. Friends is off the air anyway, so it’s time. And no it can’t be Joey. Jose thinks it should be something that fits in with his style of ball, something like “M*A*S*H.”

2. Let’s talk a little bit about the proposed Randy Johnson deal. Jose’s initial reaction is that the Yankees are trying to get taller, so if the Johnson deal falls through, look for them to go after Derek Lowe or possibly Acie Earl.

But wait, there’s more. A lot of people have wondered why Johnson has been so insistent that he go to the Yankees. Jose has a theory. Back in 1995, when Jose worked at Fenway concession stand 7, he saw Randy Johnson walking through the tunnels wearing a Beastie Boys shirt with the sleeves cut off. So here is Jose’s theory: Johnson wants to go to New York because that’s why the Beastie Boys are from.

Now that we know this, Theo should be able to counter it. First, he should point out that the Beastie Boys are on tour a lot and probably don’t spend that much time in New York any more. Second, he should offer Johnson the opportunity to hang out with Boston’s own Bel Biv Devoe if he comes to the Sox, because they are not on tour a lot, and probably do spend a lot of time just hanging around. (Note: Though under no circumstances should Theo offer Johnson the chance to hang around with the Cowsills.)

3. According to the Boston Globe, Dr. Bill Morgan, who performed the experimental surgery on Curt Euro’s ankle will “be leaving his post as the club’s medical director.” Jose has a few ideas for replacements:

Dr. Frankenstein: Maybe he can build a number two starter out of pieces of Matt Mantei, Lenny Dinardo and Euro “Tikka” Malaska.

Dr. Strangelove: Since the ownership seems intent on blowing the team up, maybe he could help.

Dr. Doolittle: The ability to talk with the animals seems like it would help a lot with this group.

Dr. Strange: One of only two people on this list who is an actual medical doctor, though as Jose recalls his surgical skills were lost in an accident, which in turn led him to seek his magical powers.

Dr. Doom: Never mind. His desire to take over the world would put him in direct conflict with John W. Henry, if we are to believe what some anonymous third hand sources tell us.

Dr. Who: In addition to having helpful time travel abilities, could do a great rendition of “Who’s On First.”

Dr. Nick Riviera: He would seem to be a god fit for a team that is committed to not overpaying staff.

Dr. Hawkeye Pierce: He’s from Maine so he’s probably a Sox fan, and he’s the best surgeon in the whole 4077. This also gave Jose an opportunity to work M*A*S*H into a single KEYS twice.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

12/16/04 KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE

THE KEYS BOOK--UNLOCKING YULETIDE CHEER AND METAPHORICAL LOCKS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

1. When Sox ace Pedro Martinez announced that he would sign with the New York Mets, the clouds burst and the rain fell on Red Sox Nation. Then, when Curt Euro declared the following day that he would not be ready for opening day the rain came down in sheets (Note: But lamentably not Ben Sheets), like God himself, was hurling buckets at the city of Boston.

“When it rains it pours,” moaned the Red Sox fans as their formidable pitching duo disappeared.

Well, Jose hates to be the bearer of more bad news but…well…let’s put it this way…Jose just saw some guy with a beard ushering animals by the twos on to a big wooden boat about 100 cubits in length.

Here’s the news: Jose Melendez may not be ready for opening day. As loyal readers may recall, Jose battled heroically through a painful infection in his left elbow during the second half of the ALCS and the World Series. The first course of antibiotics did a great job of rolling back the infection’s progress, but much like the Yankees pitching staff, it lacked a knock out blow. So Jose took a second course of antibiotics that ended a few days ago. Again, the antibiotics are issuing late game walks and failing to hold runners. One bloop single and the infection may return in full.

The bottom line is Jose cannot guarantee that he is going to be ready for spring training and even opening day. It’s not that Jose can’t write through it, after all, he’s writing right now. But this is different, it’s the off season; the competition and the demands are less fierce. Writing three or four times per week is nothing like the wearing grind of the regular season. Once he starts writing day in day out, that bad left elbow might really hurt Jose’s ability to work the left side of the keyboard. Words with “w” are going to be difficult, and he might have to lay off “q” words completely. Can Jose be effective without the letter “q”? Clearly he can’t be as effective. After all, if he can’t cite Carlos Quintana, does he really have all of his weapons?

The question is whether the Sox can stay competitive if Jose has to take the first month off in order to return to full strength. Can the Sox survive with Dario Veras or Josias Manzanillo writing KEYS? Jose knows that no one wants to contemplate that, so it might be time for Theo to make a move for an obscure Latin reliever. Maybe he can pick up Eduardo Villacis from the Royals.

2. Welcome to the ER, bitch!!! While most Sox fans are sorry to see shortstop Orlando Cabrera go, the signing of Edgar Renteria has been widely heralded as an excellent move. How excited are Sox fans about signing the former All-Star and gold glover? Very excited. So excited, in fact, that according to Jose’s sources, residents of the Martha’s Vineyard resort town of Orlando, Massachusetts have decided to rename their town “Edgartown.” That’s dedication. (Note: It looks like Bostondirtdogs got in an Edgartown joke first. Nuts. Well, Jose has to give credit where it is due.)

In related news, the residents of Martinez, Massachusetts have changed their name to “Belchertown” as part of an effort to encourage the Red Sox to replace Pedro Martinez by bringing righty Tim Belcher out of retirement. Hopefully, their efforts will be less successful than that of the residents of Hudson, Massachusetts.

3. Jose hasn’t said too much about the John Ha-lama signing yet, but basically he likes it. Ha-lama is left handed, he’s versatile and he will increase the profile of the “Free Tibet” issue in the Boston metropolitan area.

Also, this is good for deity diversity on the team. We now have Jesus Christ, a Greek God and a reincarnation of the Budhda all playing on the Red Sox. Now if we can just sign an alien to represent the scientologists, we’ll be all set. Tom Werner is a Hollywood guy; Jose bets he can find one.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

12/13/04 KEYS TO THE WINTER MEETINGS

BUY THE KEYS BOOK HERE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE WINTER MEETINGS.

1. Jose is sad. Jose, is just really, really sad. The Red Sox have caused a lot of sadness in Melendezville over the years, but this is different. The 2003 ALCS was a sort of sadness mixed with rage and a deep burning pain, sadness wrought by fire. When Roger Clemens left for Toronto it was a stinging sadness, like being slapped in the face by someone for whom you cared. When Mo Vaughn left for Anaheim, it was an empty, lonely kind of sadness, like the end of a relationship where things had gotten so bad, where the distrust was so complete, that no reconciliation seemed possible. This sadness is different. Pedro is different.

There is no bitterness, no anger, no sharp pain. All that remains is warm memories of good times, and sadness that there will be no new memories, that the warmth and goodness are gone. Pedro will not come out of the bullpen with his arm dangling and still pitch six shutout innings again, he will not strike out 17 Yankees again, he will not don a Yoda mask in the Sox dugout again, he will never salsa dance on the Fenway turf again.

If Roger Clemens was a bad breakup, if Mo Vaughn was a bad breakup, then Pedro is a good breakup. Have you ever ended a relationship where you were still in love, where there was warmth and good times, but it just couldn’t be sustained? Where fundamental differences in what each of you wanted out of life and out of a partner made staying together simply impractical? Jose has. And he was right to do it…and so were the Red Sox…and so was Pedro.

And it hurts. And it’s lonely. And it so, so sad. But it is the right decision…for everybody. But you recover with time; you fall out of love. You find someone, new, you find someone better. And the sadness stops, and the dull ache melts into the continuum of physical sensation and all that remains is those warm, happy memories.

Thank you Pedro Martinez. Red Sox nation enjoyed the time we spent with you, we’ll never forget it, and we’ll miss you, but we just didn’t have a future together. We wanted different things. You wanted four years, we wanted financial flexibility. And love? Love is wonderful but one of the most foolish myths of American society is that love conquers all. Love conquers a lot, but not all…and it sure can make one stupid, but not guaranteed fourth year stupid.

So good luck Pedro. We’ll miss you, and we wish you well. We’re sorry it needed to end, but this is the right thing for both of us.

2. According to a variety of sources, the Red Sox are making a serious play for Toronto first baseman Carlos Delgado. The Sox’s decision to pursue Delgado represents a stunning change of direction for the Red Sox. After getting burned by Venezuelan first baseman Carlos Quintana (Note: Touted by some as the Latin Wade Boggs, branded by others the Latin Sam Horn, and in reality closer to the Latin Brian Daubach) and reliever Carlos Reyes, the Red Sox appeared to have sworn off Carloses (Note: Or is it Carlosi?)for the past six years. Apparently, that era may be coming to a close. On the upside the, Red Sox have still avoided all players named Scott since the 1990-2001 run where Scoot Cooper, Scott Fletcher, Scott Hatteberg ensured that there was always at least one underperforming Scott on the team. (Note: This was also the time when the Patriots had Scott Sisson and Scott Seychules. Just about the only Scotts we didn’t have in town were Byron Scott playing for the Celtics and figure skater Scott Hamilton playing for the Bruins. Also, Scott Harshbarger lost his bid for Governor.)

(CORRECTION: Okay, there have been lots of other Scotts, Sauerbeck, Williamson...Jose was just lost in his grief about Pedro.)

3. Now a final note regarding the great Pedro Martinez. David Ortiz revealed potential for a future career as an agent when he stated "Pedro ain’t going to no Mets." We all that he was using a double negative because English is his second language. Dead wrong. He was playing us. Ortiz knew exactly what he was saying, and he was right – Pedro ain’t going to no Mets. He IS going to the Mets.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE WINTER MEETINGS.

12/12/04 KEY TO THE HOT STOVE

BUY THE KEYS BOOK HERE.

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

Today KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE comes to you live from our nation’s capitol, Arlington, Virginia.

1. Jose got very excited last night because boston.com led him to believe that the Red Sox had signed St. Louis shortstop Edgar Renteria to a four year $40 million package. It’s not that Jose misread, it’s that he was mislead. Yes…yes, that must be it.

Apparently, this is not the actual case. The Red Sox have only made an offer, which is a shame, because Jose was fully prepared to start in with a few Renteria jokes to set the tone.

For instance, Jose was going to bid a fond farewell to the Orlando Cabrera era. Yes, we all enjoyed yelling “Welcome to the OC bitch” (Note: All due credit to whoever came up with that line, God knows it wasn’t Jose) whenever OC would make one of his slick plays with the glove or drive an improbable two out double, but Jose thinks that we can all agree that this is an upgrade. After all, the OC entertaining as it may be, (Note: Which is to say not entertaining at all. Joes has never watched the OC, but he can tell.) is basically a trivial tribute to and affirmation of all that is decadent and deviant in American culture. But now we have replaced the OC with ER. ER is not only four time gold glover and superior shortstop, but also represents a high point in American television – he represents the heroic efforts of doctors and nurses in a big city emergency room as they struggle to save their patients while simultaneously struggling to save their own personal lives. He also represents Maura Tierney’s return to prime time television and the fact that the guy who played Kubiak on Parker Lewis Can’t Lose can still find work. What’s not to like? (Note: The blood. Jose Melendez is not crazy about blood, so he seldom watches ER, but still…)

So Jose joins with all of Red Sox Nation in hoping and praying that in the next day or two, he will be able to say “Welcome to the ER, bitch.”

2. So the Red Sox gave a two year deal to a 41 year old pitcher. Jose knows it sounds bad, but trust Jose, you need to hear the rest and think it through before you flip out. He’s not just any 41 year old pitcher, he’s a 41 year old pitcher who is chronically overweight, has a bad attitude and may well be an alcoholic. Also, he hates Fenway Park and has expressed an interest in heading the demolitions crew should the Red Sox ever take crowbar to steel. See don’t you feel better now that you know the whole story?

Signing Wells for two years for $8 million with the potential for him to earn $10 million more in incentives is the sort of the deal that not only raises eyebrows, but causes eyebrows to become fuller, thicker and more lush in order to be more noticeable as they are raised. There are a lot of Sox fans walking around today looking like Michael Dukakis or Frida Kahlo. Yes, Theo has earned a lot of faith and a lot of good will by putting together a WORLD SERIES CHAMPION team, but Jose is still a little wary of this deal.

Everyone says that Wells will fit in perfectly with the Red Sox “bunch of idiots” concept. Now, Jose likes people with extremely low IQs as much as anyone, but is it possible that the Sox are starting to take this approach a little bit too far? Instead of focusing on skill, age, and conditioning, is it possible that the Red Sox are only looking for people with limited mental faculties? If that is the case, is it possible that a Jose Canseco signing is just around the corner? What about a comeback from Mike Greenwell?

You can see why Jose is concerned. So in order to prevent these sorts of dangerous moves from happening in the future, Jose has a simple suggestion. Instead of acquiring idiots, the absolute lowest end of the IQ spectrum, maybe the Red Sox should start acquiring morons…people who are still very stupid, but not quite as stupid as idiots. After all, if they are looking for elderly pitchers who aren’t terribly bright, Roger Clemens is still available.

3. The Wells signing seems to preclude the possibility of the Red Sox making a serious run at former Pawtucket pitcher Carl Pavano, who is reportedly headed to the Yankees for $42 million. Jose is basically glad that the Sox are not signing Pavano. Not only does Jose feel like $40 million for four years is excessive for an oft injured starter, Jose is deeply wary of “men” who spell Carl with a “C.” Jose just finds the “C” to be soft and effeminate, perhaps lacking in toughness, unlike the stark and rugged “K” practically oozing manly virtues like ruggedness, independence and strength. It says something that when one googles “famous carls” the first links are to Carl’s Jr.

Think about Karl Marx versus Carl Jung. A revolutionary philosopher versus a psychoanalyst who constructed the idea of the collective unconscious. A man whose ideas fueled revolutions versus a man whose ideas fueled pretentious undergrads and even more pretentious grad students. Who do you want as your number two starter?

Think about Karl Rove versus Carl Levin. The evil mastermind of the Bush campaign (Note: God how Jose hates him) versus the bland yet annoying Senator from Michigan. Rove may be a clubhouse cancer, but he always brings the gas.

Karl Popper versus Carl Sagan. The Author of “Open Society and its Enemies,” the scourge of Plato and even his fellow Karl, Karl Marx up against the man who brought astronomy to the masses? Karl Popper would be “billions of billions” of times better then Carl Sagan on the mound. (Note: Jose recalls that Dave Barry is the master of the billions of billions joke, so this should be regarded as an homage, rather than an Eric (K)neel style swipe.)

So there’s your evidence. With their money, the Yankees will be acquiring a man whose name is a dubious testament to his potential. After all, who would you rather have Karl “Tuffy” Rhodes a man whose name spells his toughness out loud and clear or “Crazy” Carl Everett, a man whose name spells out his craziness. You make the call.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.

12/8/04 KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE

BUY THE KEYS BOOK HERE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.


1. Aside from the steroid scandal tearing through the game, like drywall through Kevin brown’s fist, baseball’s biggest news is the passing of the arbitration deadline. The WORLD CHAMPION BOSTON RED SOX offered arbitration to nine free agents, Pedro Martinez, Megatron, Jason Varitek, Orlando Cabrerra, Pokey Reese, Mike Myers, David McCarty, Gabe Kapler and Pedro Astacio. Jose knows that a lot of fans are confused about what arbitration means, aside from the fact that the team may not negotiate with players who are not offered arbitration until May, so Jose will do his best to explain it.

By offering these nine players arbitration, the Red Sox have seized the option to sign a player in one market at one price while simultaneously selling his contract in another market at a slightly higher price. This is why the Red Sox offered arbitration to Gabe Kapler even though he has already signed a contract with the Yomiuri Giants--different market. The price disparity allows the Red Sox to turn a profit. However, since price differences are usually small, one cannot make much money off of arbitration unless one does a large volume, hence the offers to nine players. After all, what explanation other than volume could explain Dave McCarty being offered arbitration?

Wait…that’s arbitrage? Sh*t…What the hell is arbitration then?

2. Among the players not offered arbitration was Curtis Leskanic, the hard throwing, occasionally wild righty reliever who will be forever remembered as the winner of game 4 of the ALCS. Curtis has long suffered from arm injuries and must now decide whether to continue as a major leaguer or return to his modestly less exciting life of pestering the beautiful but stuck up Michelle, squabbling with his brother Barry and flushing his father’s cigarettes down the toilet.

3. The public pressure for the Red Sox to resign Colombian shortstop Orlando Cabrerra is really mounting. Jose feels like everywhere he goes he sees these magnetic yellow ribbons on the backs of automobiles representing solidarity with Cabrerra. Jose must confess, connecting resigning Orlando Cabrera to the Tony Orlando song “Tie a Yellow Ribbon” is pretty clever. Jose doesn’t have a car to attach a magnetic ribbon to, so he will just “Knock Three Times” in hopes that Cabrera returns.

Alternatively, Jose may strike out on his own and start drinking more 7UP in support of Cabrera. (Note: Or since Orlando Jones is no longer 7UP’s spokesman would drinking 7UP show enthusiasm for dumping Cabrera?) Regardless, Jose will be watching Drumline and Evolution in between his episodes of Mad TV tonight.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.