3/17/05 - Baseball Returns to Washington

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

So what if the game today was rained out. The steroid hearings are the real game today anyway.

1. Already, the ongoing Congressional steroid hearings have raised question after question after question. How did Jim Bunning get elected to the Senate? Is Major League Football what they’re calling NFL Europe now? Does Bud Selig have any shame? (Note: No.) And why haven’t some of the most likely targets been required to testify? Where is Giambi? Where is Bonds? Where is Melendez?

The first two were apparently released because they are part of an ongoing federal investigation, but why not Jose Melendez? Presumably the fact that Jose is neither a professional baseball player nor a steroid user has something to do with it, but that is no excuse. Jose would have been a terrific expert witness, as he likes to think of himself as an expert on everything. And if he was able to get a word or two in edgewise, he would have been great on a panel with Curt Euro and Frank Thomas.

Jose even had his testimony all written out

Representatives, Senators, parents, friends and most importantly The Class of
2005, Jose would like to thank for this opportunity to testify on one of the gravest problems facing our country today – deficit spending fueled by unwise, unfair and unnecessary tax cuts for heiresses, robber barons and the idle rich… Wait… What’s that Congressman? This is about steroids? Really? You really think steroids is one of the top issues in this troubled times? More thank the economy? Or Iraq? What about Iraq? Or terrorism? Terrorism is a big problem. Hmmm…Okay… You’re the
Congressman.

Steroids are bad. When Jose was in high school, there was a poster in the nurse’s
office with Jessie Ventura saying so. And he wasn’t even a Governor yet. So Jose is opposed to steroid use in all its forms… with the exception of Flonase, which he absolutely needs to get through the upcoming allergy season. Steroid use is a blight on baseball that fuels a disrespect for the rules, a delegitimization of records and the
general breakdown of American society. It is like crack but not as dangerous and not addictive. If steroid use persists, the future of baseball is bleak. Not Alaskan wilderness bleak, but like 40 degree days in April bleak.

To see how grave the situation is we need look no further than our other national pastime professional wrestling. Today, wrestling is dominated by flamboyant musclemen, lumbering giants and Canadians who hit each other with chairs, sledgehammers and automobiles in mad fits of roid rage. Jose longs for the days before steroids, when wrestling was led by decent, humble men like Gorgeous George.

If steroids are not halted, it won’t be long before each batter comes to the plate with 10 minutes of music and fireworks, a three hour game includes 45 minutes of
backstage interviews and sketches and the MVP is married to Bud Selig’s
daughter. Do not let steroids ruin baseball like they have wrestling.

So in conclusion, where is the nearest bar. It is St. Patrick’s Day and Jose would like
to get drunk.

2. Tony Castrati: Gettin' Self Righteous


What TC says: “Today, our national pastime goes before Congress to answer for all of those needle marks.”

What TC means: Today Congress launches hearings into the seedy world of competitive sewing.

What TC says: “Don't look now, America.”

What TC means: Seriously. Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.

What TC says: “Our worlds are colliding.”

What TC means: This hearing is on the superconducting supercollider. Right?

What TC says: “Reality TV at its finest.”

What TC means: Or are these Congressional hearing into Survivor?

What TC says: “And one can only assume that the senators and representatives will be treated with far more respect than any member of the media.”

What TC means: Which is outrageous. After all, Congress was only elected by… get this… the people. I was appointed by Pat Purcell.

What TC says: Regardless, assuming the likely absence of bombshells during today's testimony, baseball has a credibility problem.”

What TC means: Which is a big problem given the new bankruptcy legislation. Oh…that would be a credit problem. Never mind.

What TC says: Always, without exception, baseball is where we have gone to escape reality.

What TC means: Or drugs… some people use drugs to escape reality.

What TC says: Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Baseball.

What TC means: I am now talking to a Tom Selleck movie.


3. Johnny Damon missed yesterday’s game with cellulitis, the same ailment that set the stage for Jose’s gusty performance in last year’s World Series. The skin infection, which can be serious, had reached Damon’s lymph nodes, making it a more advanced infection than the one afflicting Jose.

But honestly, Jose was thrilled to hear about Damon’s illness. As Jose knows all too well, cellulitis demands a 10 day course of antibiotics during which one may not consume alcohol. This practically ensures that Damon, who raised a stir last year when he suggested that perhaps he parties a bit too much, will start the season in great shape.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/15/05 -- Red Sox vs. Bravo Network

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. One challenge Jose is going to face in the upcoming season is that he will not be able to depend on the reliable contributions, the yeoman’s work really, of his brother Sam Melendez. Throughout the 2004 season, whenever Jose’s stuff lacked its normal snap, he could count on Sam to give him some juice with a pithy line comparing Megatron Lowe to the Iron Giant or whatnot. This year, Jose will not be able to count on his younger brother for back up. Knowing that he has seen the greatest party Boston will ever have, Sam felt free to go West, to sail the Pacific (note: or at least from Seattle to Alaska) like his great grandfather Iwaishi Melendez before him. Of course, if Sam kills a whale, it will technically be a "crime" and "violation of the treaty on whaling," rather than "part of his job," so instead he will probably spend time doing repair work and waiting on guests. On the plus side, he will probably not be required to go into the head of sperm whales to gather the spermaceti, because unlike his great grandfather, he is not small. Also, let Jose reiterate, Sam will not be killing whales. Greenpeace please do not send letters to Jose or sail the Rainbow Warrior up to his apartment.

So Jose will be forced to turn to his older brother Jack Melendez for assistance. Jack is the older brother that Jose never knew, the older brother who was sent off into the wilderness for failure to comply with Jose’s parents’ fair and reasonable rules. Okay. Technically, Jack did not exist… as best Jose knows. Jose’s father just read somewhere that creating fictional siblings who had disappeared was not a good idea when one has young children who might fear abandonment, so naturally, he assumed that creating a fictional sibling would be hysterical. He was right.

But what is the point? Well, with Sam available only for occasional telephone advice, Jose will be forced to rely on Jack… but it’s a little bit like telling Ramon Martinez that instead of relying on Pedro in the 1999 ALCS he was going to have to rely on his brother Jesus instead, as Jack Melendez, much like Jesus Martinez, does not exist.

2. Now that Jeremy Giambi has come clean about his steroid abuse, we, as Red Sox fans, have to face the facts. Let’s just admit it, the 2003 season was tainted. A juiced up Jeremy was on the 2003 Sox – barely. Had he not been juicing, he probably never would have taken at bats from David Ortiz early in the season, the Red Sox would have had a better start, would have won home field advantage and may well have won a Game 7 played in Fenway Park. That makes the 2003 season tainted. TAINTED! TAINTED! TAINTED! Of course, it’s also been made irrelevant IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! by the 2004 season.

3. All Jose has been able to read about for the last few days is that the Fab Five were headed to Florida to do makeovers on a number of the Red Sox. Jose knows that spring training is boring and too long and reporters are desperate for news, so if they want to cover this non-story that’s fine, but they should still try to get their facts right. Jose has been looking very carefully and he has seen no sign of Chris Weber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard or Jimmy King. All he has seen is five gay guys running around. That said, it is possible that the guy in the pink shirt hugging Kevin Millar on the front page of the Herald could be Ray Jackson. After all, no one has seen Jackson since he left Michigan.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/13/05 - Geminis on Parade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

This week, Jose suffered his first significant setback of the preseason. Not only did he miss a few days, he also learned that Curt Euro does not expect to be ready to start the season opener. Jose has been planning a first rate opening day KEYS since the beginning of spring training and the lead was completely predicated on a Euro vs. Johnson match up. Without Euro, the piece isn’t going to work, which means Jose is two weeks behind where he needs to be. Could Jose go on opening day? Yes, probably, but he doesn’t think that he should go unless he’s 100 percent ready. (Note: Or at least 99.99 repeating percent ready) So will Jose be able to post on opening day? It’s looking sketchy right now. Of course, he could just be building the drama like a certain ace pitcher.

Apparently, Tony Castrati’s new book, which Jose has not and will not read… or translate… details some conflict between Curt Euro’s wife Shonda and Johnny Damon’s then fiancee, now wife, Michelle. Reportedly, Michelle, declined to wear the lucky scarf recommended by Shonda during the post season, greatly upsetting Mrs. Euro, who suggested that Damon’s struggles at the plate were due to his fiancee’s whorishly exposed neck.

While Jose usually frowns on superstition, he is inclined to buy into the idea that the neckwear of wives and girlfriends does affect playoff baseball games. He believes this one superstition because there is actual evidence. According to Jose’s sources, while the Red Sox wives wore lucky scarves, the Yankees wives wore lucky chokers.

3. Currently, the flu is making its rounds through the Red Sox pitching staff, affecting Curt Euro, David Wells and BK Kim, yet the position players have been left largely untouched. The question is why? Jose’s theory is that when a pitcher walks around with a big bag of ice on his shoulder, it lowers his body temperature and leaves him more vulnerable to infection. Alternatively, the pitchers are already passing around the shot glass before games. More alternatively, not even the flu wants to listen to Kevin Millar yap for three days. Even more alternatively, it’s not the flu at all, but SARS… you know… Starter And Reliever Syndrome.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/11/05 - Or 1.5/8/03 When converted to the Canadian Calander

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose spent the last two days at a conference in Baltimore (motto: it’s like a baby Philadelphia) on the working poor. As you might imagine, there is not too much to laugh about when discussing the plight of people working full time for just over $10,000 per year, but there was one moment of levity. A policy analyst from New York had scored a huge victory in getting New York Times columnist Bob Hebert to write about his initiative. A few days later, the analyst received a phone call. (Note: All names of people and organizations have been changed to protect the…okay, okay, they were changed because Jose forgot them. Are you happy now?)

Producer: Hello. Is this Joe Smith of the Working Families Project?

Smith: Yes.

Producer: The Working Families Project that was mentioned in the Times the other day?

Smith: Yes.

Producer: I’m a producer at the Bravo cable network.

Smith: Really? I’m so glad to see media taking an interest in this issue.
Are you doing a documentary or a show on the working poor?

Producer: Yes. I’m a producer with a show you might have heard of, it’s called Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy, and we were hoping you could put us in touch with
some of these working poor people who might like to have a makeover.

This presented a dilemma for Smith. On the one hand, it was horribly offensive that this gay equivalent of a minstrel show sought to suggest that all poor people needed was a makeover. On the other hand, who was Smith to make the decision for his constituents? After all, if the working poor are anything like most Americans, what they want most in the world is to be on TV. (Note: Jose truly believes that the American dream is no longer the house with the white picket fence and two cars in the garage. Instead, it is to be on TV. Did you know that according to labor economists, by the year 2037 every American will have been on a reality show? We’re going to have to open up further immigration just to supply us with new television characters.) Smith did the only thing he could, he gave the producer the name of an organization that provides direct services to the working poor and would let the working poor make up their own minds.

Jose can only assume that they declined, and that’s why the producers of Queer Eye decided to go with Kevin Millar instead. Millar may not technically be “poor” or even technically “working” but he certainly looks the part, and that, as makeover shows teach us, is what truly counts.

2. Manager Terry Eurona’s comments that Balki Arroyo would strengthen the Sox bullpen has led some to believe that when all six starters are healthy Arroyo will be the odd man out. Jose can guarantee you that this is not the case. At worst, Arroyo will be the even man out, the sixth starter, and therefore a reliever. As you may have noticed, six is an even number. In order for Arroyo to be the odd man out, he would either have to be the fifth man on a four man rotation – not too likely -- or the seventh man in a five man rotation, and that seventh spot seems to be well secured by Buddhist monk John Ha-lama. Therefore Arroyo is the even man out and Ha-lama is the odd man out. Jose hates in when reporters or so imprecise with the English language.

3. Will the Red Sox medical staff please take a look at David Ortiz – and fast. Ortiz was among the six Red Sox asked to pee in the cup as part of the first round of steroid testing. While Ortiz expressed no concern that he would test positive for steroids, he did say that “All they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans.”

David… Big Papi… muchacho, it is NOT normal to have rice and beans in your urine. Please get that checked out immediately before you find a steak in there.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/7/05 A Marginally Less Meaningless Game

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The mainstream media would like you to believe that tonight is the rekindling of the ancient rivalry, that swords will clash, cannon will sound and the battle will be rejoined. Indeed, the very Earth will tremble beneath the terrible conflict. Nope…not today, maybe tomorrow.

This game, which would be largely meaningless under any circumstances, has been rendered even more largely meaningless by the Yankees cowardly decision to send most of their stars to another game. Thus, the only major event occurring tonight is that Tony Castrati will write the first chapter his new book about the 2005 Red Sox and Yankees. The book, a sequel to A Tale of Two Cities, his story of the 2004 rivalry, will be called David Copperfield. While the name may not make any sense now, except for the fact that it is also a rip off of a Charles Dickens classic, it will make far more sense when the Yankees sign the magician mid-year in an effort to restore “mystique” and “aura” to the deteriorating franchise. Sadly for New Yorkers, even the great illusionist cannot make Jason Giambi disappear.

2. Last week the People’s Republic of China again vowed never to allow Taiwanese independence. How opposed are Chinese party leaders to the freedom of Taiwan? So opposed that they have vowed to invade if Taiwanese pitcher Chien-Ming Wang (note: tonight’s Yankee starter) ever files for free agency. Set’s a bad precedent they say.

When reached for comment Chinese officials said, “We have always opposed the imperialist free agency system. We will conduct our own internal affairs according to the patriotic reserve clause and will keep Taiwan forever or until such time as we are prepared to trade it…possibly to Japan for Kyushu and an island to be named later.”

3. Has anyone else noticed that this spring training has been a little weird? So far we’ve had a no hitter and a triple play -- not exactly every day events. As any extremely, extremely superstitious person knows, these sorts of things happen in threes, so what is the next improbable event to occur during spring training?

Jose was going to write alien abduction, but apparently, those happen all the time in Florida, and he’s pretty sure that Manny spends a lot of time in outer space already. Then he was going to suggest that it might be a Bigfoot sighting, but apparently the giant pseudo-ape doesn’t like the Florida heat. So what are we left with? As best Jose can tell the third improbable event will be either Curt Euro answering a question “no comment,” Kevin Millar going in to a bar and ordering an O’Douls or Denney Tomori pitching a perfect inning. Jose’s putting his money on the near beer.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/6/05 - Another Meanginless Game

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Apparently, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz offered to make a recruiting call to pitcher Brad Radke, his former Twins teammate, during the off season. Ortiz offered to do so despite the fact that he hadn’t ever really spoken with Radke when they were teammates. So in effect, Ortiz agreed to cold call Radke.

Jose knows a thing or two about cold calling. His second job out of college was as a "fundraising associate" on a Massachusetts congressional campaign, and his job consisted of calling people off of a fundraising list for eight hours every day and saying "Hello are you available to take a call from Elvis Costello." (Note: Okay, so Elvis Costello wasn’t actually the candidate Jose worked for, but it is a hint as to who he did work for.) About one out of every ten people would agree to take the call. Most of the other nine would just pretend to be unavailable. Very, very few would actually say no. So of course, we called them again, and again, and again. If we can’t win ‘em over, we can at least wear ‘em down was our motto. And what was amazing is that rather than say no, dozens and dozens of people would agree to write checks on the sixth, seventh or even tenth call.

So Jose imagines that Big Papi’s effort went like this.

Ortiz: Hello. Mr. Radke? This is David Ortiz. Can you take a call from Theo Epstein?

Radke: Umm…no.

Ortiz: Thank you for your time.

See, that’s why Brad Radke is not a Red Sox right now. Ortiz probably only made that call once rather than every day for ten days or until Radke broke into a sobbing mess desperate to make the calls stop. (Note: Apparently Ortiz never made the call. It is very hard to recruit someone if you don’t call them.)

2. Last night, Jose tuned in to what he just assumed was an intrasquad game because everyone was wearing the same uniforms and noticed that the Red Sox appeared to have acquired Sean Casey and Adam Dunn. Fantastic!!! Of course, it turns out we were just playing the Reds but everyone showed up wearing the same outfit. In all Jose’s years of watching baseball, he has never seen such an embarrassing fashion faux pas.

3. Jose spent about 90 minutes last night waiting outside of a club called Ned Devine’s in Fanueil Hall, because he is an idiot. When he got in, he was angered to find that the club was not even close to capacity. In other words, Jose had been kept waiting simply to generate hype for the club, because they were trying to make it look like the place was far more popular than it actually is. Passersby see the long line and assume that if people are waiting to get in, it must be fantastic. Aside from just wanting to rip this establishment and urge his readers not to go there (note: their cover band also played the worst cover of Cheap Trick’s "I want you to want me" Jose has ever heard.) Jose thought there might be a lesson in this for some of baseball’s less popular teams. The Royals, Brewers, D-Rays and others should strongly consider making it harder to get tickets. Why not save money on ticket vendors and just have one fellow at the box office, let the line grow, let people know that folks are lined up out the door for a chance to see D-Rays baseball. Negotiate a deal with Ticketmaster to have the phone busy the first 30 times people call in, and then when Ticketmaster does answer, tack on a $10 "answering fee." These small market teams like to cry poor, but sometimes Jose thinks they just aren’t creative enough.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/5/05 -- Two Game - One KEYS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Congratulations to the Boston Herald’s Jeff Horrigan. After only two days of spring training games, Horrigan has already written the likely winner of the "Worst Lead of the Year" award at the Baseball Writers Association dinner.

Horrigan wrote "Traditionally, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change during his Red Sox career with the patience and enthusiasm of ultra-conservative strategist Karl Rove being asked to time in Al Franken’s liberal rants on Air America Radio." That’s just awful. Terrible. In fairness, Horrigan’s frightening workload, taken on so Tony Castrati can take three week in-season vacations, probably leaves him vulnerable to burnout, but still… that is among the worst leads Jose has ever read.

But what’s that you say Jeff? "Jose it’s easy to talk, but you couldn’t do better." Well, tell you what. Remember the movie Roxanne where Steve Martin has to come up with 20 insults for his large proboscis better than "Big Nose?" (Note: It must be wonderful to wake up and smell the coffee brewing… in Brazil.) Jose will do that right here, right now. Ummm…but not with nose insults. Jose doesn’t know what your nose looks like. He’ll do it with leads.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Carl Everett at the Museum of Natural History."

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Rush Limbaugh at a weight watchers meeting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Curt Euro playing the "quiet game."

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Jason Giambi at a grand jury hearing.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of David Wells during prohibition.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Bill Clinton at marriage counseling.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of George W. Bush in the Alabama National Guard.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of a-Rod stepping in against Brandon Arroyo.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Peyton Manning in a playoff game.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of a Yankees fan at Game 7.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Woody Allen at a Christian Coalition meeting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Mark Blount in a non-contract year.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of the NHL Players Association at the bargaining table.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Jeremy Jacobs when the check arrives.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Barry Bonds at a drug test.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of anyone with tickets to opening day in Tampa.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Kevin Millar at a wine tasting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Euro Bellhorn in a conversation.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Harvard, BC or Northeastern drawing BU in round one of the Beanpot.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of John Kerry at anything.

That’s 20. Count ‘em. Twenty.

2. In the most shocking revelation of Steroidgate thus far, Barry Bonds told reporters yesterday "We’re entertainers. Let us entertain." The closest parallel to that statement Jose can find is when Vince McMahon told the state of New Jersey that pro wrestling was more a form of entertainment than an athletic competition. McMahon broke with the long tradition of insisting wrestling is real, in order to avoid regulation by the New Jersey State Athletic Commission. The admission let to a terrific photo op of then Governor Chrisite Todd Whitman and the Undertaker, and perhaps to Whitman receiving a title belt as the World Champion Tax Cutter. Presumably, she defeated tax themed wrestler Irwin R. Schyster for the title.

Jose’s point is that steroids sort of do make baseball like wrestling. If it becomes about the show, about long, chemically assisted home runs rather than two squads of men competing with their own bodies, then basically it is sports entertainment, an enterprise devoted more towards entertainment than actual athletic competition. (Note: Even though there is not a steroid problem there, as best he knows, Jose could argue that the NBA, with its T-Shirt contests cheerleaders and boom-boom music during play is already sports entertainment.)

3. Finally, Curt Euro has been invited to testify before Congress on the steroid scandal. While Curt has not officially decided to testify, Jose suspects that he has already made up his mind. Is there really a chance that he would turn down the opportunity to sit down in front of a microphone and speak to the nation in front of dozens of TV cameras? After all, during his Red Sox career, Curt Euro has welcomed any opportunity to speak into a microphone with the patience and enthusiasm of Kevin Millar at a KFC.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/4/05 - Beanpot Consolation Games

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Do today’s two games even warrant KEYS? After all the Red Sox are not playing a major league opponent, a pseudo major league opponent like the lineup the Twins trotted out last night, or even a minor league opponent. Instead, they are playing two colleges – Northeastern and Boston College. As best Jose can tell, the right to get crushed by the Red Sox at the beginning of spring training is a consolation prize for losing the Beanpot. Why else would it be that the Sox play BC or Northeastern almost every year and never Jose’s BU Terriers? Besides, even the World Champion Red Sox could never beat the BU baseball team. Never.

So to answer Jose’s rhetorical question…Jose will probably make like the Red Sox, play one game, sit the next.

2. Jose was not impressed with his fellow hapa haole Denney Tomori. Suffice it to say, Tomori looked more hittable than any pitcher Jose has ever seen on any level. Slow fastballs, equally slow change ups, dull curves…yikes. Jose suspects Tomori will give up more hits this spring than most kickball pitchers.

On the upside, Jose now knows why Tomori calls the big breakfast at his Denny’s restaurants the “Grand Slam”… he’s probably given up more than a few of them in his day.

3. Sox Skipper Terry Eurona has entered spring training this year without the enormous plug of tobacco in his cheek that was as much a part of his image as his red sweatshirt or balding head. Eurona’s decision has earned him plaudits from his family, friends and doctors…but not from Jose. Damn it Tito, we won a World Series with you recklessly endangering your health, calming your nerves with the soothing combination of tobacco and fiberglass, and you want to change things?

Will you be calm enough to make a big decision in the clutch? Without nicotine soothing your jangled nerves would you have been able to give Dave Roberts the steal sign in Game 4? Would you have had the presence of mind not to pinch run for Ortiz in extra innings? Maybe…but Jose wonders.

If you absolutely insist on quitting chew, can you at least get something to calm you down? Not valium. Jose thinks we all saw what valium can do to a manager in the Grady era. (Note: Jose: Can’t prove Grady was on valium, but he must have been on something. Right? No one is naturally that slow.) The next time you take to the dugout, you’d damn well better have some Tension Tamer tea, or aroma therapy or some other God damn new age boondoggle…or Jack Daniels…we all know Jack Daniels works.


I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/3/05 -Backups on Parade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well it’s about time. After months of writing KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE, KEYS TO THE UKRANIAN ELECTION, KEYS TO WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE JOSE COULD THINK OF and KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING, Jose can once again say “It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME. You will notice a few changes between now and the last time you read a new KEYS TO THE GAME. The most obvious change is that today’s KEYS is not about the Worlds Series, so you may find that it lacks some of the gravitas, some of the weight and heft that you had become accustomed to.

But there are far more changes. Big changes. Scary changes. Not Schiraldi on the mound scary, but scary nonetheless. Frankly, Jose has to keep up with the times. Over the offseason the suits told him that the KEYS demographic has trended a little bit old, that the KEYS aren’t attracting the sort of readers who have disposable income and are willing to spend it. Still worse, the KEYS are failing to hook the next generation of fans. So change Jose must, and change Jose shall.

The first major change will be that the KEYS will be at a faster clip and will be set to the latest in “popular” music. As you may have noticed, the KEYS don’t come with an audio track. However, if you read the KEYS book along with the Clash Album London Calling, it synchs up exactly. What will this year’s KEYS sync up with? Start buying CDs and trying to figure it out. (Note: This message brought to you by the American Recording Industry.)

Another change will be the introduction of a lovable character to explain the game of baseball to children. Fox has Scooter the hyperactive baseball; Jose offers Plunger, the happy-go-lucky syringe. It’s something a little bit hipper, more contemporary and reflective of todays game. Let’s take a sneak peak.

“Hi kids this is your pal Plunger!!! Today’s word is Steroids. Sometimes when a player is too small and weak to hit home runs, he sticks a needle in his arm or *ss and injects himself with a special healthy medicine that makes him bigger, stronger and faster, without all of the practice and eating your vegetables. So the next time your mommy tells you to eat your vegetables so you can grow up to be big and strong, tell her ‘Shove it b*tch. Just bring me some steroids.’”

And these are just a few of the exciting changes you have to look forward to in the new and improved KEYS TO THE GAME 2005.

2. And would any first game be complete without Tony Castrati writing on yet another subject he knows nothing about? (Note: No.)

What TC says: “Baseball and politics will converge today at the White House, and you know what that means: lots of people who don't know what they're talking about.”

What TC means: Not unlike the Red Sox press room on any given day.

What TC says: But this is America, of course, so the cameras will be clicking and the pens scribbling when Damon meets Dubya on the South Lawn.”

What TC means: Like when the Patriots were at the White House last year. Remember that. No one does? Really?

What TC says: “Professional sports and politics? Now there's a scary combination. “

What TC means: Like that Bill Bradley guy. What business did some dumbass basketball player have being a Senator. That’s crazy. (Note From Jose: Though in fairness, Tom Osborne, the despicable former Nebraska coach who stood behind every felon on his team as they brutalized women is in Congress.)

What TC says: “Two years ago, with America having begun fighting in Iraq, Red Sox reliever Mike Timlin placed a bumper sticker above his locker that described the international peace insignia as ``the footprint of the American chicken.''

What TC means: Umm…sorry Mike, I don’t think chickens have circles around their feet. I do think the three toes is right though.

What TC says: “With all due respect to Timlin, who really cares about his political views?”

What TC means: I do apparently, since no one in the general public even knew his views until I wrote this.

What TC says: “Why are professional athletes (or other celebrities) asked to share their opinions on matters in which they have no more say than anyone else?”

What TC means: Oh wait they’re celebrities. The most wonderful, special people in the world.

What TC says: Tell you what: If Kevin Millar wants to run for office, let's find out where he stands.”

What TC means: Dear God, did I just suggest that Kevin Millar run for office. What have I done? I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

What TC says: “After all, we don't ask the homeless for political guidance, do we?”

What TC means: I hate the poor.

What TC says: “If this all sounds like an indictment of professional athletes, it is not. Prior to the start of the Super Bowl, former presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush (the elder) were asked their opinions on the Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles, a harmless but worthless question. Their responses had as much value as any athlete's insights on the last presidential election, which begs the question: Why do we ask them such ridiculous things at all?”

What TC means: We ask because we have to fill column inches, and we got nothing else. NOTHING!!!

3. Many people paying big bucks to attend the first of the 47 preseason contests will be disappointed to hear that Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez, Mosey Nixon and David Ortiz are not scheduled to play. But don’t fret! Do not despair. You will get to see Kris Wilson, Jeremy Gonzales, a Japanese guy named Denney (note: how did a Japanese guy end up with that name?) and some guy named Billy McMillon who Jose has never heard of, but is one vowel away from having a great name for an evil rich guy wrestler (Note: Billy McMillion.)

Spring Training Baseball: You might as well watch. It’s your only choice!!!


I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/1/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. San Diego Padres GM Kevin Towers said that he "felt like he knew" that 1996 National League MVP Ken Caminiti was using steroids. Sox President Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino, who was then with the Padres, apparently felt like he did not know. Lucchino today plead ignorance of Caminiti’s steroid use. It is an odd situation for a man who seems to know everything that lingers beneath the surface of the days events.

It’s a funny turn of phrase, "I felt like I knew." It’s not an acceptance of responsibility; it is only an acknowledgment of a feeling. At the same time, it is not a rejection of responsibility either, it hints that there was an obligation unfulfilled, that one could have and perhaps should have done something. It is surely a rejection of logic and reason. "I felt" was probably never uttered by the Enlightenment thinkers. It is the classic non-denial, denial. Towers could not prove that he knew, or reason that he knew, he could only feel like he knew.

Jose would like to use this technique. Rather than doing a special predictions KEYS, perhaps Jose will instead write, next November a KEYS on the things that he felt like he knew at the end of spring training. Jose can write:

"Jose felt like he knew that Wade Ohne Umlaut will win 16 games and have an ERA of 3.20."

"Jose felt like he knew that the Yankees would win only 88 games."

"Jose felt like he knew that A-Rod will be accused of tax fraud in July."

"Jose felt like he knew that Carlos Quintana would make a shocking return to spell Kevin Millar at first, and make a Jeff Stone style key hit down the stretch before being left off the playoff roster."

Will these things happen? Won’t they happen? Who knows.? Just remember, if they don’t happen Jose never said they would. Jose would never risk a jinx (note: not that he believes in such things) nor would he put himself out front like that. He is only saying what he felt like he knew.

2. Jason Vartiek’s younger brother Justin, the real JV in the Varitek family, was at Red Sox camp yesterday. (Note: JV stands for junior varsity. Get it?) Jose was relieved to hear that Justin was not trying out for the Red Sox. Jose has watched enough pro wrestling to know that no good can come from two brothers competing together. One performs better than the other, jealously grows, parents play favorites and the next thing you know Christian is cracking a chair over Edge’s head or Pedro is slashing the tendon on Ramon’s elbow. The last thing Jose wants to see is Jason grappling with A-Rod next April and Justin coming out of the dugout with a bat…and breaking it across Jason’s back. Only years later, when the Sox are trying to perk up sagging TV ratings and Doug Mirabelli’s contract is long since expired, will we learn that Kelly Shoppach actually put Justin up to it in order to crack the Sox roster.

The unexpected, nonsensical twist. That is what we learn from pro wrestling.

3. Finally, there has been some concern that Manny Ramirez might be jinxed by appearing on the cover of EA Sports’ MVP baseball game. Cover boys for other EA games, such as Michael Vick, Marshall Faulk and Eddie George have all gone on to face serious injuries. Jose is not particularly worried about Manny, karma doesn’t really seem to affect him, but he is worried about himself.

You see, Jose appeared on the cover of the SoSH Game Threads 2005 video game, and Jose, while not believing in karma, does worry about it. (Note: The game is going to be great. You can chose to be kevlog with a whole array of fireworks at your disposal, ManillaSoxFan and pound away with insane optimism or even SexyBanana and start long losing streaks with inopportune posting. There’s also a franchise mode where you can start your own SoSH knock off thread and have the same three people post again and again. Unfortunately, Cabrera Era is not included because he is not a member of the Posters Association since he was a scab during the last work stoppage.) It’s not that Jose worries that he will get injured; he does not. What he worries about is that the first time he misses a game with a resurgent elbow infection or a jammed finger the "EA cover jinx" talk will begin. Jose just doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in writing out the season under that kind of scrutiny.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/28/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Apparently, Sox right fielder Mosey Nixon will not start in the season opener against Randy Johnson on April 4th. Manager Terry Eurona, reportedly told Nixon, who has struggled against lefties in the past, "Get ready for the fifth." Chris "12 Inches of" Snow reported that this comment was a reference to April 5th, the second game of the season." Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Jose has liked 12I Snow’s work thus far, but this, frankly, is just shoddy reporting. In fact, it wasn’t even reporting, it was assumption, which is really bad. Hasn’t he ever heard the old saying? "When you assume, you make and ass of Yumi." Does Snow really want to make an ass of some poor Japanese girl? Jose hopes not. That was Shaughnessy’s first step towards the dark side, if Jose remembers correctly. (Note: He does not.)

You see, Eurona was not urging Mosey to prepare for the second game of the season. No, no!!! Rather, he was warning Nixon to be ready for the fifth inning of the first game. After all, the Sox will knock Johnson out in the fourth, so there won’t much of a reason to keep Nixon on the bench.

2. Today appears to be Tim Wakefield day at spring training. Both the Globe and Herald featured articles about the aging knuckleballer, who just happens to be Jose’s all-time favorite Red Sox. (Note: Does the Red Sox PR machine offer up one player a day to all papers for feature stories? It sure seems that way. It is statistically improbable that both Boston dailies would profile identical players on four straight days at random, though not quite as statistically improbable as the Yankees blowing a 3-0 series lead.)

Jose would recommend the Globe piece as it is in English, not Castratese. But for those of you who only have access to the Herald (note: presumably this is only the people who run the actual presses at the Herald) Jose offers the following translation.

Tony Castrati: Yearning for the Good Old Days

What TC says: Even here, on the blessed training ground of the reigning world champions, there is a cost of doing business."

What TC means: The cost is more than $120 million.

What TC says: "The Red Sox make decisions that are hard and shrewd and devoid of all emotion, and they are more interested in handing out championship rings than gold watches."

What TC means: The Red Sox are technically sociopaths. Also, gold watches are more expensive than championship rings.

What TC says: "The only men in front of [Wakefield] will be Cy Young and Roger Clemens, one man for whom pitching's most prestigious award is named and another who has won that honor a record seven times.

What TC means: This line is so unbelievably obvious that both Chris Snow and I thought of it at the exact same time.

What TC says: "Wakefield now is in what has become familiar territory for those who wear the Red Sox uniform."

What TC means: Wakefield is in Fort Myers where spring training has been since before he joined the team.

What TC says: There currently seems little chance of him securing a new deal before November. A surprise? Hardly. A year ago at this time, the Red Sox entered spring training with Nomar Garciaparra, Martinez, Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek entering the final year of their contracts, and the Sox signed none of them before Opening Day."

What TC means: The Red Sox signed no one and it ruined last season. Instead of going to the World Series they bowed to the Yankees in four, at least I assume so, as I stopped watching after the 19-8 game three drubbing.

What TC says: "The new-age ownership and management of the Red Sox"

What TC says: Did you know they play Yanni in the Executive Offices? It’s true.

What TC says: "And when they depart, the Sox pop someone else into the jersey as if they were changing bulbs on a strand of Christmas lights."

What TC means: "February’s a good time for a Christmas metaphor right? That resonates doesn’t it? What I worry about is that the Red Sox are like those Christmas lights where they are all on one circuit, so if David Wells burns out, the entire team will suddenly be unable to play.

What TC says: "Until recently, of course, it never used to work that way here."

What TC means: Ahh… those were the days. No Monster seats, no decent concessions and no World Championships.

What TC says: "Producing more spin-off ventures than `All in the Family.'"

What TC means: Maybe the Sox should sign a 12 year old Asian girl to the team. That seemed to work in Archie’s Place.

What TC says: "Still, it is difficult to think that we have not lost at least a little bit of something here."

What TC means: And still most people think we have won a little bit of something. Perplexing.

3. Sox starter Wade Ohne Umlaut is up to throwing the ball 200 feet (note: that’s almost 67 yards) as he struggles to return from a frayed rotator cuff. While Red Sox officials are reportedly enthusiastic about his progress and are hopeful he will be ready to play by May, Jose remains unconvinced. After all, any pro should be able to throw that distance; the challenge is doing it under a heavy pass rush.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/27/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Jose has just come to an unsettling realization. Pedro Martinez really isn’t coming to Fort Myers this year. Of course, Jose knew this was going to happen. After all, he characterized Pedro’s departure as being like a "good breakup," like the end of a long and fulfilling relationship between two people who are just headed in different directions. Still, he never fully accepted the idea that once we got 10 days into spring training Pedro still wouldn’t be there. Jose didn’t really notice Pedro’s absence for the first nine days since he didn’t usually arrive until the 10th day, or so it seemed, anyway. But that tenth day? Well, let’s put it this way, one isn’t really the loneliest number 10 is. Sure one is alone, but it knows it. One looks around and there’s nothing even nearby. But 10? Ten gets tricked. Ten gets suckered in. In a 10, the one thinks it has some companionship, some friendship, but sooner or later it’s going to look over and realize it’s hanging out with a total zero. (Note: Actually today is the eleventh day of spring training, Jose thinks, so this is all irrelevant anyway. Actually, even if it was the tenth day it would be irrelevant. Ten is the loneliest number? What does that have to do with anything? Oh yes….THERE’S NO NEWS TO DISCUSS!!!!)

You’d think it would have hit Jose when he saw the pictures of Pedro in a Mets uniform throwing off a mound. But it didn’t quite. It felt more like the first time you see that old girlfriend with another guy. Yeah, it’s a little weird, but you don’t know exactly what the deal is and for all you know this will be their first and last date. Today is more like when she tells you that she’s moving in with him. Sure, you want her to be happy, and you don’t want to be with her, but it’s still a little jarring, okay, really jarring, to realize that the new normal is for her to be living with some other guy.

So there you have it. Jose is jarred. He is rattled and disoriented. He realizes that he won’t be counting off five games from opening day to calculate Pedro’s first start at Fenway, and five days after that to calculate his second start and so on. (Note: In 2001, Jose made an error in his counting and ended up seeing like eight straight Paxton Crawford starts. Okay, that’s not quite true. Paxton Crawford probably never made eight straight starts.)

He realizes that the greatest pitcher of his lifetime is gone, and the Red Sox may not have another pitcher that good in Jose’s lifetime. It is sad, it is disappointing, but it is also the right decision.

2. While Pedro is not in camp, David Wells most certainly is, and at a much better price per pound! And the reporters seem happy enough. Jose is pretty sure that he read the thirty-fifth profile of Wells of the Spring this morning.

Yesterday, Wells brought his son Brandon to camp with him. Jose thinks this is terrific. Not only is Wells showing his love for his family, he’s also showing tremendous devotion to and affection for his teammates. It is just wonderful that he would name his first born son after his teammate Bronson Arroyo.

(Note: Hmmm…should Jose explain this joke. It seems pretty self-explanatory, but when historians look back on this generations from now are they going to understand it? Are they going to say "Wait…the kid’s name is Brandon…Jose must have mistyped the name of the pitcher. It must really be Brandon Arroyo." Nah…only a complete chump would think Arroyo’s first name was Brandon. The joke remains unexplained.)

3. Jose was a little disappointed by Gordon Edes’ bit in his baseball notes column today entitled "Jewry seems to make teams sparkle." Jose got himself all geared up for a story on the tremendous positive impact of having a Jew or two on a Major League team. He was expecting a detailed breakdown on how the Sox won the Worlds Series by fielding the most Jewish team in their history. (Note: Eight percent!!!) But it turns out that the article was about "Jewelry" not "Jewry." What a downer. Now, Jose needs to review those headlines about "Red Sox World Champs" to make sure they didn’t actually read "Red Sox Ward Champs." Wouldn’t we all be embarrassed if after all of the hoopla and parades it turned out that the Sox were only the champion of Boston’s Ward Five?

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/25/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. This is a terrible part of spring training. All of the players have reported, games don’t start for another week, so Jose is reduced to talking about long toss. How far can Wade Ohne Umlat toss? 150 feet? Good but not good enough. 180 feet? That’s more like it! Next stop Moundsville. See. Boring.

Curt Euro is already throwing off the mound and surprise, surprise, didn’t feel as good as he would have liked. Fascinating. Real first KEY material.

How slow is it at camp? So slow that both the Globe and Herald wrote feature stories yesterday on how Euro Bellhorn doesn’t talk. So slow that it makes Cecil Fielder look like Dave Roberts. So slow that it makes Grady Little look like Albert Einstein.

It is so slow that Jose almost thought about converting long toss distances to meters for his readers in the metric world. But Jose will not complain (Note: Anymore). He will not write one of those self serving pieces reporters do about how terrible it is that there is no big controversy. Jose will not lust for someone to be thrown from their car or flip off the manager. No, instead Jose will bide his time. Waiting…plotting…until one day when you least expect it…BAM!!! There will be a game to write about.

2. The Red Sox are scheduled to go to the White House on March 2 to meet the President. (Note: Of the United States). All 18 members of the championship team who remain with the Red Sox will attend and all members who have moved on are invited. Thus far, none of the players who are no longer with the organization have agreed to attend. Jose is surprised. Really, really surprised.

He’s not surprised that Pedro turned it down. After all, he’s a proud man, and this isn’t even his president. He’s not surprised Megatron Lowe turned it down either; he’s all the way on the West Coast. (Note: Though Jose is a little surprised he hasn’t told the media that the Red Sox never even invited him.) He’s not surprised that the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew declined. Japan is even further away, and he’s probably more interested in an opportunity to see Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi’s famed bouffant hair up close than to meet President Bush. (Note: Koizumi’s hair has been a subject of much discussion in Japan and around the world. In Jose’s opinion it looks like he got a 20 dollar bill at some point, saw the portrait of Andrew Jackson and said “That’s what a leader should look like!!!” Hopefully Koizumi’s interest in mimicking Jackson is limited to hair styles, otherwise Japan’s indigenous Ainu population is likely to be facing massive and unconstitutional deportation.) Jose isn’t even surprised that Dave Roberts isn’t coming. After all, slowing down long enough to shake hands might be hard when you’ve got speed like that.

No, what really surprises Jose is that Little Cesar Crespo hasn’t accepted. Jose would imagine that it would be hard for Crespo to get a meeting with anyone higher than the Nebraska Commissioner of Public Safety. This should have been a big day for him, and he can’t imagine why he wouldn’t accept, except perhaps that he couldn’t make contact with the Red Sox traveling secretary. Making contact always seems to be a big problem for him. (Note: Are players who weren’t in the playoffs invited? Jose hopes so. Lenny DiNardo deserves his chance to meet the leader of the free world!!!)

3. The shocking return of Antoine Walker to the Celtics, an event that greatly pleases Jose, has raised the possibility that perhaps some of Jose’s favorite former Red Sox could also return to the fold. (Note: That’s right. It’s so slow Jose has been forced to talk about basketball, albeit briefly. Are you happy now?) Here are a few of the players Jose would like to see return. (Note: Well, not really return to the team, not as players, after all, they’re all terrible. But maybe they could be non-roster invitees, or sell hot dogs, or something.)

Billy Ashley – The last time Jose saw Billy Ashley, the Sox were playing Les Expos and there was a competition to see which there would be more of Ashley strikeouts or Expos errors. Ashley won 4-3.

Dario Veras – If Jose couldn’t have been Jose Melendez, he would definitely have considered being Dario Veras.

Tim VanEgmond – Jose once had him on a fantasy team because he knew he would be sent to the minors where he couldn’t hurt Jose’s ERA.

Arquimedez Pozo – While most commentators liked to make Eureka jokes about the infielder, Jose preferred more sophisticated humor, comparing him to the whip wielding character in Waiting for Godot.

And in that spirit Jose draws on Godot to end today’s KEYS.

Spring training is boring. Jose doesn’t think anything interesting is going to happen. Let’s leave. Yes…Let's go. (He sits…motionless.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/23/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. New Red Sox beat writer Chris Snow earned accolades in yesterday’s KEYS, a rare feat for the "legitimate press," for providing multiple sources of humor in his Red Sox Notebook. But Snow’s success should come as no surprise to those who have Jose’s familiarity with the famous Toronto reggae scene. Snow shocked the record industry in 1993 with his hit song "Informer," off the album "12 Inches of Snow." It was a catchy little number about "licky boom boom down," which is apparently some kind of fruit candy. Unfortunately, his track record suggests that a second critically acclaimed notebook is unlikely for the "Canadian Vanilla Ice."

2. Today was a special day. Jose found a copy of the Boston Herald (Motto: Still Marginally More Accurate Than the Enquirer.) (Note: Apologies to Dave Barry for stealing the motto bit) on a table at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Brockton, and that means that he got to read the latest news on college booze hounds and the names of the children of celebrities in actual paper and ink. (Note: Jose’s absolute favorite celebrity kid name is…oh wait Jose doesn’t care at all. Never mind.) To be honest Jose is shocked, and sort of disappointed, that the Herald has not yet started having a "page 3 girl" in the paper every day. Here, in this most European of American cities, one would think there would be room for that.

Getting a print copy of the tabloid also means that Jose had a rare opportunity to look at the sports section as it actually appears in the paper. Frankly, Jose was a little concerned. The stories on the back page of the Herald were:

"Truth: Foul on Kobe: Pierce ‘disappointed’ that Bryant dragged Shaq into scandal"

"Late Balloting: Canseco offers to give Greenwell ’88 MVP award"

"New World Order: Yankees trying not to concern themselves with rival Sox"

"Pool Bonanza: Pre-Season Sale, FREE Installation on Caribbean Pools Only"

Yeah. Jose was a little bit shocked and a little bit saddened too. After all, this is the back page/sports section front page of a tabloid newspaper in a major metropolis. And it seems a little bit inappropriate, and yes, a little bit bush league to have something like that right there with the major news of the day. And besides it’s late February. Seriously, what business does a basketball story have being on the back page at this time of year. Come on Herald…it’s time for baseball…or at least baseball related spring training activities.

3. Okay, okay, these are KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING and not KEYS TO THE BOSTON NEWSPAPERS, so Jose should probably put in at least one KEY that is directly connected to the great sport of baseball. So here’s Jose’s shot.

In between laying down reggae licks, Chris Snow reported today that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner sent Red Sox owner John W. Henry a congratulatory note during the off season. KEYS TO THE GAME has obtained an exclusive copy of that note and will make it public here for the very first time.
Dear Mr. Henry,

Congratulations on winning the World Series . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I WANT IT. IT’S MINE. HOW COME YOU GET TO HAVE IT??? WAAAAAAAAA!!!! I PAID FOR IT. WAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Yours in Christ,

George Steinbrenner

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/22/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. According to Globe reporter Chris Snow, former Sox first baseman and noted ball hawker Doug Mientkiewicz said of the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry “It wasn’t what everyone made it out to be…The Twins-White Sox is just the same to me.”

In other news, Mientkiewicz described the U.S. Civil War as being “basically the same as Shays’ Rebellion.” He went on to compare the Gore vs. Bush election to Menino vs. Davis-Mullen, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant to “Leaping” Lanny Poffo vs. Iron Mike Sharpe, and Spiderman vs. the Green Goblin to the New Mutants vs. Magus.

2. Apparently Chris Snow is having a banner day for comic news. He also reported that outspoken current Red Sox first baseman and noted chicken hawker Kevin Millar is negotiating to appear on Bravo’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” a New York based program. Jose doesn’t know too much about the show, but he can only assume that this means that Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez will be giving Millar some sort of make over. (Note: Okay, that was a cheap shot, because the sexuality of the left side of the Yankees infield is irrelevant to their performance, not a big deal whichever way they swing and nobody’s business. Still, it is an unbelievably easy joke to make, and Jose didn’t get where he is today – a blogger writing tens of thousand of words for free – by taking the high road.)

3. Media hack after media hack are now piling on to criticize the Red Sox for their continued taunting of Alex Rodriguez. Has it occurred to anyone that this might, just might, be a tactic to get inside the head of the third baseman? (Note: Yes, lots of people have.) This is a classic wrestling strategy, and it is just beginning to unfold. Just you watch.

Right now the Red Sox are just flexing their muscles and taunting A-Rod about his past failures. But watch what comes next. The Sox will give A-Rod a few spring training at-bats to get comfortable, to begin to relax. Then in the third or fourth game, A-Rod will dig in on a 3-2 count and suddenly “Ba-du-du-du, Da-da-da.” The driving introduction to “Dirty Water” will begin to sound, coming seemingly out of nowhere. A-rod will whip his head around, looking for the source of the haunting music but to no avail. Meanwhile the opposing pitcher will have zipped in a fastball for a call third strike. A-Rod will go nuts…smashing his bat against the back stop. Reporters will begin to wonder if the Red Sox really are in A-rod’s head.

A few days later, on another 3-2 count, Jason Varitek will suddenly appear on the Jumbotron.

“Hi Alex,” he’ll say. “I’ll bet you can hardly wait for your opening day *ss whoopin’” Strike three zips by a distracted, petrified Rodriguez.

“Looks like you’re out again,” Varitek will say.

After another few days, Varitek will join the Minnesota Twins radio announcers to do a little bit of color commentary in a game against the Yankees. For some reason, the radio team will be sitting in the seats along the first base line. Don’t ask why, just believe. Varitek will join them right before A-Rod’s first at bat.

“Look for him to slap one down the line,” Varitek will say. “Or more likely to slap someone going down the line.”

As he keeps looking over his shoulder at his enemy, A-Rod will swing and miss horribly. On his third swing and miss, the bat will go flying out of his hands towards Varitek, but like all A-Rod’s swings that day, it will miss horribly, whacking a shocked Billy Crystal instead.

Varitek will calmly rise, extend his right hand, palm flat and bend his fingers slowly, in succession. Bring it. A-Rod will charge the catcher and BAM!!! One punch and the diva goes down. “See you on opening day, punk.” Fade to black.

So now you can see that there is a perfect logic to everything the Red Sox have done so far. Now if we can only bait A-Rod into a hair cut match.

(Note: It is possible that some of you may feel Jose is ripping off Bill Simmons who has done some really great stuff on what pro sports would be like if they were more like wrestling. Here is the difference. First, as Jose has said before, he knows way more about wrestling than Simmons. This is not something to be proud of; it is just a fact. Second, whereas Simmons writes fantasies about what sports-entertainment baseball would look like, Jose honestly believes this stuff is going on. Also, not something to be proud of.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/21/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

Now that position players have reported, spring training can begin in earnest. Of course, this is actually the hardest part of spring training for Jose to get through as a blogger. Without a game to serve as a daily focal point, Jose has no choice but to deal in the rumor, innuendo and name calling that serve as news at this time of year. Well, as our Secretary of Defense might say, you blog with the material you have, not the material you wish you had, so let’s dive right in.

1. Did anyone notice that the Boston Globe City Weekly section premiered a new feature this week that features snippets from some of Boston’s premiere blogs? And get this, in the first installment, the historic North End’s own Jose Melendez was NOT featured. So here we are, five days into spring training and Jose is already in Oil Can Boyd mode. The piece featured a guy from Brookline, a proud father from the South End, a theater buff from Jamaica Plain and…get ready for it…A GUY FROM IDAHO, but no Jose Melendez. Hell, they even had a guy talking about watching the repeat of Game 7 of the ALCS on NESN, and still, no Jose.

Who picks these things? Jose thinks that the reporters just have it in for him because he’s not a good interview. Or maybe it’s fan balloting; they only go for the big names not who’s having the best year. Either way, Jose is outraged and is seriously considering going an Oil Can-style bender in protest.

2. An open letter to Alex Rodriguez.

Dear Alex,

Hi. It’s Jose. Jose Melendez. No not the DJ, the blogger. I know you’re going through some tough times right now, you know discovering that all the money in the world can’t buy you friends, but Jose is here to promise you that it will get better. Okay, that’s a lie, it won’t get better, but chin up anyway, or not. At least you’ll always have your beautiful money that you love so much. Still, it’s got to be hard being alone and friendless. It’s one thing that the Red Sox don’t like you, that’s to be expected. After all, you’re the enemy, so Jose isn’t surprised that that doesn’t bother you so much. But your Yankee teammates don’t seem to like you that much either. That’s got to hurt just a little bit, doesn’t it? Everyone tells us Derek Jeter is the greatest human being since Jesus Christ, so if he doesn’t like you, that must say something about you. Heck even Dan Shaughnessy doesn’t like you anymore, and just a little over a year ago he was talking about how great you were because, unlike Nomar, you wanted to visit the Harvard campus. I guess the moral is that you’re an easy guy to like, until someone gets to know you.

So you rolled into Yankee camp yesterday and had a really good press conference, as best Jose can tell from reading the Globe, addressing all of the big issues of the day. And while you said you only got a yellow belt in karate, you must have had a black in ju jitsu the way you side stepped those questions. The fact that your teammates won’t back you up is evidence of what a "classy organization" the Yankees are? Hi-ya. Whenever anyone uses the word classy to describe the Yankees, Jose has the same reaction as when Donald Trump uses the word "classy."

"Oh, you must think classy means grotesquely expensive, horribly tacky and an affront to decent people everywhere."

But Jose is a little worried about you. You said the slap was "a brilliant play. We almost got away with it." Alex, you need to watch the game tape again. Aside from the fact that you sounded like a Scooby Doo villain in that statement, you just got it wrong. It was not a brilliant play. The result of your brilliance was that Jeter was left at first rather than advancing to second. If that is your idea of brilliance, Jose hopes you have a brilliant season.

You also said "I think over time, when I look at my career after 20 years, Game 6, the slap, will all be very trivial compared to what I accomplished." You think it will be trivial? You think it will be forgotten? Forgotten like the reign of Napoleon or World War II perhaps, but surely not forgotten like the Fox program "Women in Prison," or Marvel Comics’ "New Universe."

Alex you aspired to be Cal Ripken or Ernie Banks or Honus Wagner. You have their stats; in many ways you are their superior, but you are not one of them. When you make a foursome for some charity golf tournament in the baseball afterlife, you’re going to look over and find yourself in a cart with Fred Merkel, Fred Snodgrass and Bill Buckner. Mitch Williams can caddie.

But Jose will give you credit for one thing. You ended your press conference taking responsibility for the unprecedented Yankee collapse. "Blame it on me," you said. "If there’s one guy to blame, blame it right here." Very well. You, Alex Rodriguez, the best player in baseball, are the reason the Yankees lost last year. You are single handedly responsible for the biggest choke in baseball history. Forget about, Kevin Brown, Mariano Rivera and Paul Quanrtill; it is all your fault. And you know what? It is all going to happen again.

Doesn’t it feel good to take responsibility?

Your pal (Note: Not really, remember, you don’t have any friends),

Jose Melendez

3. Last night, Jose saw reliever Matt "Seacow" Mantei on Fox 25 announcing his hope to get injured this season. Apparently, after stating his desire to remain healthy the previous few seasons and then getting injured, Seacow thought some reverse karma was in order. Jose can’t be totally sure, his Korean is spotty at best, but he could have sworn that he overheard B.K. Kim expressing hope that he could get his fastball up to 65 in that same segment.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/18/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Will the Red Sox give out championship rings on opening day? Won’t they give out championship rings on opening day? Will championship rings cure cancer? Will championship rings turn water in to wine?

Jose hasn’t heard this much jibber jabber about rings since the premiere of Return of the King. And from the press and fan attention received by this story, one could be excused for thinking that the fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. But be at ease Red Sox fans (Note: And hobbits), Jason Varitek does not need to throw a championship ring into the mystical flames of Mt. Doom to end the Red Sox championship drought and vanquish the enemy. Our bats and pitching did that just fine last October.

But seriously, relax. Jose knows forty year old single women who are less obsessed with rings than you all. (Note: Of course, maybe Jose doesn’t care because he doesn’t have tickets to opening day. If you want Jose to care, you know how to do it.)

2. Curt Euro got 1,200 words in the Boston Globe today. David Wells got 1,245. Does anyone else get the impression that these two are more likely to compete for the league lead in column inches as the lead in wins?

Actually, Jose finds it a little distressing. He imagines a scenario in July when the two spot an open mike at the same time. Curt gets there first and starts to opine, then suddenly Wells, in true biker tradition breaks a bottle or possibly a pool cue over Curt’s head and takes the mike. Curt retaliates with a series of rabbit punches and all of a sudden, we’re missing two pitchers and have 20,000 words on them in the Globe.

Here’s Jose’s solution. Sox skipper Terry Eurona should by each of them a little transistor radio and a “Mr. Microphone.” (Note: The little microphone transmitter that Ron Popeil invented)Then they can each walk around all day and pretend that they’re on the radio. That way everyone can feel special all the time.

3. Is Jose the only person who thinks Mosey Nixon was paying A-Rod a compliment when he said that Rodriguez wasn’t “the Yankee Type?” Doesn’t that mean that he thinks A-Rod isn’t an overpaid, arrogant, self-indulgent, overrated jerk? He’s wrong, of course, but that is what the “Yankee type” is.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/17/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. And now the winter of our content has come to an end, and the spring of our content has begun. As pitchers and catchers gather in Fort Myers and the shivering masses of New England turn their eyes southward, the most glorious off season in Red Sox history concludes and the most glorious spring training in Red Sox history commences. Once this was the season to hope, now it is the season to strut. Where dreams of erasing past failures once began, visions of championships defended have taken root.

It’s a funny little camp this year, different and strange. Old rituals have given way to new. No longer must we report Megatron Lowe’s traditional first day trip to Jiffy Lube for a lube job. Instead, we wait for David Wells’ traditional first day trip to the strip club for a boob job. Pedro Watch has given way to the Halama Diorama. And careful observation of Scott Williamson’s fragile pitching arm has been replaced by careful observation of Matt Mantei’s fragile pitching arm. (Note: “Mantei” is close enough to “manatee” that Jose thinks he would like to call the flame throwing righty “sea cow.” That might be a fit, but who knows? After all, it’s still only the first day of spring training.)

Yes, it’s the first day of spring training and all is right in the world…except for poverty…and hunger…and that situation in the Middle East, that’s pretty bad. Well, it’s the first day of spring training and much is right with the world.

2. As long as Jose is trying to get in shape for the season, he might as well work on his translation skills with Tony Castrati’s piece from yesterday’s Herald.

Tony Castrati Trying to Make the Cut

What TC says: “For the first time in a long time, no matter where he goes, the manager of the Red Sox is being showered with applause.”

What TC means: “Provided he never goes to New York or Philadelphia.”

What TC says: “Terry Francona appeared at two Boston-area baseball dinners within eight days last month”

What TC means: That’s right; he worked twice within eight days!!! What stamina!!! I can’t imagine keeping up that kind of pace.

What TC says: “Francona has been in Florida for several days now, spending the latter part of last week with his family on what he described as a short vacation”

What TC means: I will say “what he described as a short vacation” so I don’t have to fact check and confirm that it was really a short vacation, rather than a long weekend, or a moderately long vacation.

What TC says: “Francona understands as well as anyone that his current popularity in Boston may be short-lived”

What TC means: It will be if I have anything to do with it. Bring back Grady! Bring back Grady!

What TC says: “Francona knows that he will be ``hammered'' again if and when things go awry in 2005.”

What TC means: I dig that. I like to get hammered when things go awry too, or often if things don’t go awry.

What TC says: It is difficult to imagine the Red Sox having another new manager anytime soon.”

What TC means:
Imagine there’s no Tito,
It’s easy if you try,
Imagine Grady staying,
We should have kept that guy.

What TC says: “Stability.”

What TC means: Apparently in the off season I forgot that one word isn’t really a sentence.

What TC says: “When you are the reigning world champions, improvement comes in small increments.”

What TC means: And yet when one is a writer covering the reigning world champions, there is so much room for improvement. Of course, for me improvement also come sin small increments, if at all.

What TC says: “Once the Red Sox rewrote history by winning their next eight games.”

What TC means: I still don’t understand the difference between rewriting history and making history.

What TC says: Nonetheless, late last season, there was some indication from Red Sox officials that they would like to at least partially refine the team's image in 2005.”

What TC means: I hear they’re going to spend a good two hours a day in spring training sending the players to charm school, like in A League of Their Own.

3. Mike Greenwell, the former Red Sox leftfielder and 1988 MVP runner-up, has told the press that he should receive the MVP now that Jose Canseco has admitted to using steroids.

That would make Greenwell the Carl Lewis of baseball. Lewis also won an award in 1988, an Olympic Gold Medal, after steroids led to a competitor’s disqualification. Well, it would make him the Carl Lewis of baseball without all of the other years of championship level accomplishment, anyway. Also, Carl Lewis never crippled and other members of the U.S. track team by mistake.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/16/05 KEYS TO THE COMMENTS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

During Jose’s time working for the Massachusetts State Legislature, he learned that there is an old saying about constituents and issues. "One constituent calling on an issue is a crank, five are a movement, 10 are a crisis." Well, Jose’s comments on Pride and Prejudice yesterday garnered three critical comments, moving them closer to movement then they are to crank. Thus, Jose, in keeping with U.S. foreign policy, has decided to launch a preemptive strike. In the tradition of lazy sports writers everywhere he will answer his readers when he has no ideas for a post/column. Jose brings you the first ever KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

1. "Nooo Jose! This is my favorite website other than SoSH to check everyday, but you don't like Pride and Prejudice? Please explain in a further key!" Anonymous

"Ditto the first comment, Jose...". Anonymous

"How can Jose not like Pride and Prejudice? Does Jose not see the sarcasm and wit of this timeless satire on social positions?" Anonymous

Now that Jose notices that all three of these posts are anonymous, he realizes that perhaps Jose just has one fan who really, really likes Pride and Prejudice. Hmm…Ockham’s Razor would say that that is more likely than the theory that three of Jose’s readers loved that book. After all, can the crossover between fans of a baseball blog and Jane Austen really be that big? (Note: Unless the Melendezette and Jose’s mother, both of whom love that book are writing in.)

So on to Jose’s issues with Pride and Prejudice, a.k.a. the most boring book Jose has ever read cover to cover. (Note: Not necessarily the most boring book in history, though it probably is, just the most boring book Jose has ever read cover-to-cover. This is jut like how game three of the ALCS may not be the worst game in baseball history, but it is the worst Jose has ever watched all nine innings of.)

Jose’s first issue is that this book has a fundamentally deceptive title. When Jose picked up this book, he naturally assumed that it was about former Red Sox outfielder Curtis Pride and his struggle against discrimination from those who hate the deaf. Wrong! As it became clear that the 4-A outfielder was not the subject of this book, Jose began to expect that it would be about PRIDE fighting and the bigotry PRIDE promoter and legendary Japanese professional wrestler Antonio Inoki faced as a member of the Japanese Diet because of his wrestling background. Apparently, they thought that he was only going to pretend to legislate. Wrong again!! Finally, Jose assumed that if neither of his first two guesses were true, the book must at least be about a misfit young lion struggling to find his place in the pride and in the world, sort of like Shell Silversteins’s epic Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back. Three times wrong!!! (Note: And maybe four times wrong, as Jose’s friend Mait has informed him that only female lions associate in prides.)

As it turns out, the book is about some Englishwoman and her prejudiced and foolish dismissal of one man in order to be courted by another. Jose defies anyone to say that he wouldn’t rather read about Curtis Pride. (Note: Observe Jose’s use of "he" in the previous sentence. Jose does not defy anyone to say that "she" wouldn’t rather read about the Englishwoman.)

Jose read this book as the summer reading for his 12th grade British Literature class along with the modestly less boring A Passage to India. That is the only way he ever would have read it. And as bad as it was, at least when he finished it, he knew he would never have to sit through it again. Of course, he was wrong yet again, and this brings him to his second complaint – that this book insidiously sneaks into other media. Jose knew when he went to see Bridget Jones’ Diary, it would be a chick flick that he probably wouldn’t like. But how could he possibly have know that it would have been nothing more than a vehicle to foist Pride and Prejudice upon an unsuspecting public.

Jose’s third objection is Austen’s ridiculous use of alliteration in the title of what is ostensibly a piece of high literature. Alliteration is fine for blogs, newspapers and Harlequin Romances, but for serious literature? Did Dostoyevsky call Crime and Punishment "Perpetrators and Punishment?" Did Melvillie call Moby Dick "Of Water and Whales?" Did God call the Bible "Sinners and Saviors?" Nope. Because they know alliteration is just a little trashy. Yo, Austen, you want to use a literary device in your title? Why not sack up and lay down some enjambent.

Finally, Jose hated Pride and Prejudice because it was simply boring. Boring like an Andy Reid press conference. Boring like a Pirates-Twins preseason game. If it was any more boring, it would be a power drill.

So the next time Jose read anything by an author named Austen, you can be sure it will be by Stone Cold Steve Austin, or possibly Austin Croshere’s biography. (Note: Speaking of boring.)

2. "Your discourse on the Eagle is appreciated, how about some "Keys to the BC Eagles 20-0 season"?" Xavier Hall
This item is a little bit dated, as the BC Eagles are now decidedly not undefeated, but Jose still thinks it deserves a response.

To be honest, the odds that Jose will ever write on the BC Eagles are not so good. Jose’s basically doesn’t like BC all that much. Why is an interesting question. After all, Jose, at the age of eight, was as swept up in Flutiemania as anyone. He went to see BC play Alabama at Foxboro in driving hail storm with a relative who had gone to Alabama. (Note: As Jose recalls, this relative, who was a Jew from Worcester, got to Alabama by a curious route. He had only gotten in to two colleges Holy Cross, right there in Worcester, and Alabama. His Jewish mother from some part of what was then the Soviet Union was not going to let her son go to Holy Cross, so Alabama it was. So the only question his mother had was "Zis A-la-ba-ma…Ees in Yoonited Stayts?")

Heck Granny Melendez even knitted Jose a sweater in gold and maroon with a football player bearing Flutie’s 22 on the back. Jose loved that sweater. Of course, the first time he wore it to school, some yokel ripped him for wearing an uncouth homemade garment and he stopped wearing it. (Note: Sorry about that Granny Melendez. That sweater was fantastic. If Jose still weighed 85 pounds, he would so be wearing that sweater.)

But the Flutie era ended, and so did Jose’s interest in BC. In fact, Jose started to downright dislike BC. Why is sort of unclear. Was it the legacy of his great-grandmother who grew up in the Bavarian town of Rothenburg ob der Tauber, where they still fight the 30 years war? Was rooting for a Catholic university, even for in his own home town, simply not in his blood? Was Jose desperately looking for a Japanese-German-Jewish University to root for? Or maybe just maybe…did Jose know even then , in his heart of hearts, that he would go to Boston University?

But Jose is a Boston guy, and he likes college sports okay, so he has pangs. Rooting for BU Football is not exactly compelling. (Note: When Ken Walter got the Patriots punting job, he beat out former BU punter Brad Costello. Jose was so disappointed. He desperately wanted the last BU player in the NFL to be a punter. Costello could have been there for 15 years after the program folded.) Every time BC starts to get some momentum in basketball or football (Note: Never Hockey…not ever hockey), Jose begins to feel the attraction of the local college story. Yes, deep down hidden away, Jose may even root for BC. But will he root enough to write about them? Not unless he wants to lose his 10 percent alumni discount at the BU Bookstore.

3. "It is well documented that Jose only refers to himself in the third person, with that one exception at the end of every KEYS. But what is the proper protocol for others to address Jose -- in the third person or the second person singular? Should I have been using "you" rather than "Jose" throughout this comment? And is the protocol the same or different for written and in-person communications? For example, if the Melendezette wishes to get Jose to turn off the damn WWF 2004 Highlights DVD already, does she say "Jose, you really need to go to bed" or "Jose, Jose really needs to go to bed"??? Thank you." Anonymous

This is a fascinating question. Actually, Jose doesn’t like to be addressed by others in the third person or the second person singular. No, he prefers the second person plural pronoun, which by a tremendous coincidence is the same as the second person singular in English. Of course, he likes the accompanying verbs to be in the second person singular. Jose only has hang ups about pronouns, not verbs.

SPECIAL BONUS: Jose is loathe to add a bonus, but he could not let today pass without mentioning one story of note from the Boston Globe. Apparently, a fellow named Mitch Kates is running the Boston mayoral campaign of city councilor at-large Maura Hennigan. Kates appears to be a middling political talent well-suited to a middling mayoral candidate, but he is not without a certain distinction. Once upon a time, Kates wrestled as Jason the Terrible, a goalie masked, ax wielding professional wrestler who in no way infringed upon the copyright of the Friday the 13th horror film franchise.

As you may have noticed, Jose is a bit of a pro-wrestling buff, and with that background, Jose offers some advice to the many influential Boston politicos who read and enjoy the KEYS. First, Jason the Terrible, as Jose recalls, claimed to wear the hockey mask to cover up a face that was horribly scarred in a fire that he started. It may have even bee a fire at an orphanage or foster home. Yet, in today’s Globe, Kates appears to be porcelain skinned. Where are the scars? Is he an arsonist, a liar or both? Either way, should he be running a mayoral campaign? Can the Globe editorialize on this? Second, Jose also recalls Jason the Terrible wrestling in Stampede wrestling in Calgary, Alberta Canada. Stampede, which may now be defunct, was long dominated by the famed Hart family, the most famous of whom are Brett "The Hitman" Heart and the late Owen Hart. Jose suggests that the Menino campaign hire a member of this family as an advisor to help him counter Jason. Jose suggests lesser known wrestler Jack Hart, who when last Jose heard, was representing South Boston in the state Senate…or does he just pretend to be a state Senator as his in ring gimmick. Sometimes it is so hard to tell.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

2/15/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

Congratulations to the Beanpot winning BU Terriers. This is the best day of every year to be a BU alum. God knows it’s not when they pick a president.

1. Jose knows that pitchers and catchers don’t report until Thursday, position players until the following week and bloggers until sometime in May, but darn it Jose is just too excited to wait. This year he’s taking a page out of Pedro’s book and he’s getting to Spring Training early. (Note: Jose’s father’s birthday is in November anyway, so blaming his late arrivals on the birthday party always did seem a little disingenuous.)

Now, keep in mind that this does not mean that Jose is actually going to Fort Myers. (Note: There have always been jokes about whether Fort Myers was named after Mike Myers or even Jimmy Myers, Jose thinks Shaughnessy made that last one, but did anyone ever stop to consider the possibility that it may have been named after former Celtics catastrophe Joe Forte? It makes sense doesn’t it? After all, they named a town in Ohio after draft bust Michael Young.) No, Jose likes to go to poor, cold desperate places on his vacations. This year he’s thinking Kosovo. So unless the Sox relocate their spring training to Novosibirsk or Gary, Indiana, Jose probably isn’t going to spring training any time soon any time soon. (Note: Just kidding. Jose likes cold and poor, but not “Gary, Indiana” cold and poor.) Instead, Jose will conduct spring training from his celebrated North End tenement, where it is decidedly not spring. Jose will just turn the thermostat up to about 80, buy a few flowering plants for around the house, set up a May Pole and presto change-o, spring has sprung.

2. We all know what spring training means for players, ignoring the manger, being thrown from moving vehicles and coming up with odd injuries that knock them out of the line up for three months, but what does it mean for bloggers?

Just like many players, bloggers get out of shape and out of practice during the off season. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking…and it disgusts him. No, but seriously, Jose does know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Jose, you wrote during the off season. You wrote about Ukraine and the hot stove and magic tricks. How could you be out of shape?”

Well, those sorts of KEYS are all well and good, but they do not exactly get Jose in the shape required for the rigors of the season. Think about it this way. Manny Ramirez may go to the batting cages at Good Times Emporium in Somerville three times a week for 15 minutes, but it’s not exactly the same as taking live batting practice. Since November, Jose’s basically shown up three or four times a week, done some cursory work and then gone home. That needs to change now. For instance, in preparation for the season, Jose is going to need to build up his endurance. Not only will he need better endurance to write every game day, he’ll need better endurance just to be able to get through the Boston Herald sports section. Do you think Jose reads that sort of thing in the off season? Absolutely not. Jose read the Herald today for the first time in months and it left him winded, depressed and discouraged. After all, who needs news on the assassination in Lebanon, when a hero saved a dog from icy waters? If Jose is going to have success this season, he needs to be able to plow through the Herald, the Metro and maybe even the Phoenix without breaking a sweat.

So let Jose give you a brief rundown on the sorts of drills he’ll be doing between now and the first spring training game. (Note: When he’ll be on a strict word count.)

Typing drills: “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” It’s an oldie but a goodie. It tests Jose’s accuracy to all parts of the keyboard, as well as his speed. Right now both are lacking. Jose originally wrote that as “The quick brown foz juped over the lazy dog,” and it took him 35 minutes. Jose needs to get that down to about 20 seconds. So there’s some room for improvement.

Reading comprehension drills: As any regular reader of Peter Gammons columns knows, understanding baseball writing can be a challenge, and one cannot mock what one does not understand…unless one is mocking its very incomprehensibility. So Jose has cracked out some old SAT test prep books and is working the reading comprehension sections hard. Can he understand the essay about the difference between economic forecasts and weather forecasts? (Note: This is a real SAT essay from Jose’s SATs…that weather forecasts don’t change the weather is the difference.) What about the essay on symbolism in the works of Jane Austen? If Jose can work his way though anything about Jane Austen, author of his least favorite book ever, Pride and Prejudice, Tony Castrati’s latest drivel should be a snap.

Nickname drills – Jose picks random names out of the newspaper and work nicknames.

Kennedy School Belfer Center Director, Robert I. Rotberg – Red Mountain Rob

House Appropriations Chair, Jerry Lewis – Umm…So maybe that’s a little too easy.

Mayoral Candidate Patricia White – Patricia “Thanks Dad” White. Wait…That’s a Shaughnessy nickname for former Celtics owner Paul Gaston. See this is why Jose has to work on this stuff now, so he doesn’t get caught mid-season and end up having to pull and Eric Kneel.

3. Ultimately, spring training is all about fundamentals, and that’s what Jose has to work on. Much like his beloved Red Sox, Jose was successful despite his fundamentals rather than because of them. While the Red Sox survived consecutive four error games in the World Series, Jose survived numerous outings featuring horrific confusions of “to,” “too;” two” “its” and “it’s” and God knows what else. It didn’t seem so bad at the time, but when one looks at the season as a whole, it’s pretty horrific. Ask anyone who read the KEYS book. Jose knows all of the grammar rules; he just gets a little jumpy sometimes when it’s game time.

But, Jose is one year older now, and maybe not this year, but some year, he isn’t going to be able to get by on his stuff any more. He’s going to have to write smarter, not faster or harder. And getting his fundamentals in line now will make that transition a heck of a lot easier down the stretch.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.