It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. Will the Red Sox give out championship rings on opening day? Won’t they give out championship rings on opening day? Will championship rings cure cancer? Will championship rings turn water in to wine?
Jose hasn’t heard this much jibber jabber about rings since the premiere of Return of the King. And from the press and fan attention received by this story, one could be excused for thinking that the fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. But be at ease Red Sox fans (Note: And hobbits), Jason Varitek does not need to throw a championship ring into the mystical flames of Mt. Doom to end the Red Sox championship drought and vanquish the enemy. Our bats and pitching did that just fine last October.
But seriously, relax. Jose knows forty year old single women who are less obsessed with rings than you all. (Note: Of course, maybe Jose doesn’t care because he doesn’t have tickets to opening day. If you want Jose to care, you know how to do it.)
2. Curt Euro got 1,200 words in the Boston Globe today. David Wells got 1,245. Does anyone else get the impression that these two are more likely to compete for the league lead in column inches as the lead in wins?
Actually, Jose finds it a little distressing. He imagines a scenario in July when the two spot an open mike at the same time. Curt gets there first and starts to opine, then suddenly Wells, in true biker tradition breaks a bottle or possibly a pool cue over Curt’s head and takes the mike. Curt retaliates with a series of rabbit punches and all of a sudden, we’re missing two pitchers and have 20,000 words on them in the Globe.
Here’s Jose’s solution. Sox skipper Terry Eurona should by each of them a little transistor radio and a “Mr. Microphone.” (Note: The little microphone transmitter that Ron Popeil invented)Then they can each walk around all day and pretend that they’re on the radio. That way everyone can feel special all the time.
3. Is Jose the only person who thinks Mosey Nixon was paying A-Rod a compliment when he said that Rodriguez wasn’t “the Yankee Type?” Doesn’t that mean that he thinks A-Rod isn’t an overpaid, arrogant, self-indulgent, overrated jerk? He’s wrong, of course, but that is what the “Yankee type” is.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Friday, February 18
Thursday, February 17
2/17/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. And now the winter of our content has come to an end, and the spring of our content has begun. As pitchers and catchers gather in Fort Myers and the shivering masses of New England turn their eyes southward, the most glorious off season in Red Sox history concludes and the most glorious spring training in Red Sox history commences. Once this was the season to hope, now it is the season to strut. Where dreams of erasing past failures once began, visions of championships defended have taken root.
It’s a funny little camp this year, different and strange. Old rituals have given way to new. No longer must we report Megatron Lowe’s traditional first day trip to Jiffy Lube for a lube job. Instead, we wait for David Wells’ traditional first day trip to the strip club for a boob job. Pedro Watch has given way to the Halama Diorama. And careful observation of Scott Williamson’s fragile pitching arm has been replaced by careful observation of Matt Mantei’s fragile pitching arm. (Note: “Mantei” is close enough to “manatee” that Jose thinks he would like to call the flame throwing righty “sea cow.” That might be a fit, but who knows? After all, it’s still only the first day of spring training.)
Yes, it’s the first day of spring training and all is right in the world…except for poverty…and hunger…and that situation in the Middle East, that’s pretty bad. Well, it’s the first day of spring training and much is right with the world.
2. As long as Jose is trying to get in shape for the season, he might as well work on his translation skills with Tony Castrati’s piece from yesterday’s Herald.
Tony Castrati Trying to Make the Cut
What TC says: “For the first time in a long time, no matter where he goes, the manager of the Red Sox is being showered with applause.”
What TC means: “Provided he never goes to New York or Philadelphia.”
What TC says: “Terry Francona appeared at two Boston-area baseball dinners within eight days last month”
What TC means: That’s right; he worked twice within eight days!!! What stamina!!! I can’t imagine keeping up that kind of pace.
What TC says: “Francona has been in Florida for several days now, spending the latter part of last week with his family on what he described as a short vacation”
What TC means: I will say “what he described as a short vacation” so I don’t have to fact check and confirm that it was really a short vacation, rather than a long weekend, or a moderately long vacation.
What TC says: “Francona understands as well as anyone that his current popularity in Boston may be short-lived”
What TC means: It will be if I have anything to do with it. Bring back Grady! Bring back Grady!
What TC says: “Francona knows that he will be ``hammered'' again if and when things go awry in 2005.”
What TC means: I dig that. I like to get hammered when things go awry too, or often if things don’t go awry.
What TC says: It is difficult to imagine the Red Sox having another new manager anytime soon.”
What TC means:
Imagine there’s no Tito,
It’s easy if you try,
Imagine Grady staying,
We should have kept that guy.
What TC says: “Stability.”
What TC means: Apparently in the off season I forgot that one word isn’t really a sentence.
What TC says: “When you are the reigning world champions, improvement comes in small increments.”
What TC means: And yet when one is a writer covering the reigning world champions, there is so much room for improvement. Of course, for me improvement also come sin small increments, if at all.
What TC says: “Once the Red Sox rewrote history by winning their next eight games.”
What TC means: I still don’t understand the difference between rewriting history and making history.
What TC says: Nonetheless, late last season, there was some indication from Red Sox officials that they would like to at least partially refine the team's image in 2005.”
What TC means: I hear they’re going to spend a good two hours a day in spring training sending the players to charm school, like in A League of Their Own.
3. Mike Greenwell, the former Red Sox leftfielder and 1988 MVP runner-up, has told the press that he should receive the MVP now that Jose Canseco has admitted to using steroids.
That would make Greenwell the Carl Lewis of baseball. Lewis also won an award in 1988, an Olympic Gold Medal, after steroids led to a competitor’s disqualification. Well, it would make him the Carl Lewis of baseball without all of the other years of championship level accomplishment, anyway. Also, Carl Lewis never crippled and other members of the U.S. track team by mistake.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
1. And now the winter of our content has come to an end, and the spring of our content has begun. As pitchers and catchers gather in Fort Myers and the shivering masses of New England turn their eyes southward, the most glorious off season in Red Sox history concludes and the most glorious spring training in Red Sox history commences. Once this was the season to hope, now it is the season to strut. Where dreams of erasing past failures once began, visions of championships defended have taken root.
It’s a funny little camp this year, different and strange. Old rituals have given way to new. No longer must we report Megatron Lowe’s traditional first day trip to Jiffy Lube for a lube job. Instead, we wait for David Wells’ traditional first day trip to the strip club for a boob job. Pedro Watch has given way to the Halama Diorama. And careful observation of Scott Williamson’s fragile pitching arm has been replaced by careful observation of Matt Mantei’s fragile pitching arm. (Note: “Mantei” is close enough to “manatee” that Jose thinks he would like to call the flame throwing righty “sea cow.” That might be a fit, but who knows? After all, it’s still only the first day of spring training.)
Yes, it’s the first day of spring training and all is right in the world…except for poverty…and hunger…and that situation in the Middle East, that’s pretty bad. Well, it’s the first day of spring training and much is right with the world.
2. As long as Jose is trying to get in shape for the season, he might as well work on his translation skills with Tony Castrati’s piece from yesterday’s Herald.
Tony Castrati Trying to Make the Cut
What TC says: “For the first time in a long time, no matter where he goes, the manager of the Red Sox is being showered with applause.”
What TC means: “Provided he never goes to New York or Philadelphia.”
What TC says: “Terry Francona appeared at two Boston-area baseball dinners within eight days last month”
What TC means: That’s right; he worked twice within eight days!!! What stamina!!! I can’t imagine keeping up that kind of pace.
What TC says: “Francona has been in Florida for several days now, spending the latter part of last week with his family on what he described as a short vacation”
What TC means: I will say “what he described as a short vacation” so I don’t have to fact check and confirm that it was really a short vacation, rather than a long weekend, or a moderately long vacation.
What TC says: “Francona understands as well as anyone that his current popularity in Boston may be short-lived”
What TC means: It will be if I have anything to do with it. Bring back Grady! Bring back Grady!
What TC says: “Francona knows that he will be ``hammered'' again if and when things go awry in 2005.”
What TC means: I dig that. I like to get hammered when things go awry too, or often if things don’t go awry.
What TC says: It is difficult to imagine the Red Sox having another new manager anytime soon.”
What TC means:
Imagine there’s no Tito,
It’s easy if you try,
Imagine Grady staying,
We should have kept that guy.
What TC says: “Stability.”
What TC means: Apparently in the off season I forgot that one word isn’t really a sentence.
What TC says: “When you are the reigning world champions, improvement comes in small increments.”
What TC means: And yet when one is a writer covering the reigning world champions, there is so much room for improvement. Of course, for me improvement also come sin small increments, if at all.
What TC says: “Once the Red Sox rewrote history by winning their next eight games.”
What TC means: I still don’t understand the difference between rewriting history and making history.
What TC says: Nonetheless, late last season, there was some indication from Red Sox officials that they would like to at least partially refine the team's image in 2005.”
What TC means: I hear they’re going to spend a good two hours a day in spring training sending the players to charm school, like in A League of Their Own.
3. Mike Greenwell, the former Red Sox leftfielder and 1988 MVP runner-up, has told the press that he should receive the MVP now that Jose Canseco has admitted to using steroids.
That would make Greenwell the Carl Lewis of baseball. Lewis also won an award in 1988, an Olympic Gold Medal, after steroids led to a competitor’s disqualification. Well, it would make him the Carl Lewis of baseball without all of the other years of championship level accomplishment, anyway. Also, Carl Lewis never crippled and other members of the U.S. track team by mistake.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Wednesday, February 16
2/16/05 KEYS TO THE COMMENTS
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.
During Jose’s time working for the Massachusetts State Legislature, he learned that there is an old saying about constituents and issues. "One constituent calling on an issue is a crank, five are a movement, 10 are a crisis." Well, Jose’s comments on Pride and Prejudice yesterday garnered three critical comments, moving them closer to movement then they are to crank. Thus, Jose, in keeping with U.S. foreign policy, has decided to launch a preemptive strike. In the tradition of lazy sports writers everywhere he will answer his readers when he has no ideas for a post/column. Jose brings you the first ever KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.
1. "Nooo Jose! This is my favorite website other than SoSH to check everyday, but you don't like Pride and Prejudice? Please explain in a further key!" Anonymous
"Ditto the first comment, Jose...". Anonymous
"How can Jose not like Pride and Prejudice? Does Jose not see the sarcasm and wit of this timeless satire on social positions?" Anonymous
Now that Jose notices that all three of these posts are anonymous, he realizes that perhaps Jose just has one fan who really, really likes Pride and Prejudice. Hmm…Ockham’s Razor would say that that is more likely than the theory that three of Jose’s readers loved that book. After all, can the crossover between fans of a baseball blog and Jane Austen really be that big? (Note: Unless the Melendezette and Jose’s mother, both of whom love that book are writing in.)
So on to Jose’s issues with Pride and Prejudice, a.k.a. the most boring book Jose has ever read cover to cover. (Note: Not necessarily the most boring book in history, though it probably is, just the most boring book Jose has ever read cover-to-cover. This is jut like how game three of the ALCS may not be the worst game in baseball history, but it is the worst Jose has ever watched all nine innings of.)
Jose’s first issue is that this book has a fundamentally deceptive title. When Jose picked up this book, he naturally assumed that it was about former Red Sox outfielder Curtis Pride and his struggle against discrimination from those who hate the deaf. Wrong! As it became clear that the 4-A outfielder was not the subject of this book, Jose began to expect that it would be about PRIDE fighting and the bigotry PRIDE promoter and legendary Japanese professional wrestler Antonio Inoki faced as a member of the Japanese Diet because of his wrestling background. Apparently, they thought that he was only going to pretend to legislate. Wrong again!! Finally, Jose assumed that if neither of his first two guesses were true, the book must at least be about a misfit young lion struggling to find his place in the pride and in the world, sort of like Shell Silversteins’s epic Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back. Three times wrong!!! (Note: And maybe four times wrong, as Jose’s friend Mait has informed him that only female lions associate in prides.)
As it turns out, the book is about some Englishwoman and her prejudiced and foolish dismissal of one man in order to be courted by another. Jose defies anyone to say that he wouldn’t rather read about Curtis Pride. (Note: Observe Jose’s use of "he" in the previous sentence. Jose does not defy anyone to say that "she" wouldn’t rather read about the Englishwoman.)
Jose read this book as the summer reading for his 12th grade British Literature class along with the modestly less boring A Passage to India. That is the only way he ever would have read it. And as bad as it was, at least when he finished it, he knew he would never have to sit through it again. Of course, he was wrong yet again, and this brings him to his second complaint – that this book insidiously sneaks into other media. Jose knew when he went to see Bridget Jones’ Diary, it would be a chick flick that he probably wouldn’t like. But how could he possibly have know that it would have been nothing more than a vehicle to foist Pride and Prejudice upon an unsuspecting public.
Jose’s third objection is Austen’s ridiculous use of alliteration in the title of what is ostensibly a piece of high literature. Alliteration is fine for blogs, newspapers and Harlequin Romances, but for serious literature? Did Dostoyevsky call Crime and Punishment "Perpetrators and Punishment?" Did Melvillie call Moby Dick "Of Water and Whales?" Did God call the Bible "Sinners and Saviors?" Nope. Because they know alliteration is just a little trashy. Yo, Austen, you want to use a literary device in your title? Why not sack up and lay down some enjambent.
Finally, Jose hated Pride and Prejudice because it was simply boring. Boring like an Andy Reid press conference. Boring like a Pirates-Twins preseason game. If it was any more boring, it would be a power drill.
So the next time Jose read anything by an author named Austen, you can be sure it will be by Stone Cold Steve Austin, or possibly Austin Croshere’s biography. (Note: Speaking of boring.)
2. "Your discourse on the Eagle is appreciated, how about some "Keys to the BC Eagles 20-0 season"?" Xavier Hall
This item is a little bit dated, as the BC Eagles are now decidedly not undefeated, but Jose still thinks it deserves a response.
To be honest, the odds that Jose will ever write on the BC Eagles are not so good. Jose’s basically doesn’t like BC all that much. Why is an interesting question. After all, Jose, at the age of eight, was as swept up in Flutiemania as anyone. He went to see BC play Alabama at Foxboro in driving hail storm with a relative who had gone to Alabama. (Note: As Jose recalls, this relative, who was a Jew from Worcester, got to Alabama by a curious route. He had only gotten in to two colleges Holy Cross, right there in Worcester, and Alabama. His Jewish mother from some part of what was then the Soviet Union was not going to let her son go to Holy Cross, so Alabama it was. So the only question his mother had was "Zis A-la-ba-ma…Ees in Yoonited Stayts?")
Heck Granny Melendez even knitted Jose a sweater in gold and maroon with a football player bearing Flutie’s 22 on the back. Jose loved that sweater. Of course, the first time he wore it to school, some yokel ripped him for wearing an uncouth homemade garment and he stopped wearing it. (Note: Sorry about that Granny Melendez. That sweater was fantastic. If Jose still weighed 85 pounds, he would so be wearing that sweater.)
But the Flutie era ended, and so did Jose’s interest in BC. In fact, Jose started to downright dislike BC. Why is sort of unclear. Was it the legacy of his great-grandmother who grew up in the Bavarian town of Rothenburg ob der Tauber, where they still fight the 30 years war? Was rooting for a Catholic university, even for in his own home town, simply not in his blood? Was Jose desperately looking for a Japanese-German-Jewish University to root for? Or maybe just maybe…did Jose know even then , in his heart of hearts, that he would go to Boston University?
But Jose is a Boston guy, and he likes college sports okay, so he has pangs. Rooting for BU Football is not exactly compelling. (Note: When Ken Walter got the Patriots punting job, he beat out former BU punter Brad Costello. Jose was so disappointed. He desperately wanted the last BU player in the NFL to be a punter. Costello could have been there for 15 years after the program folded.) Every time BC starts to get some momentum in basketball or football (Note: Never Hockey…not ever hockey), Jose begins to feel the attraction of the local college story. Yes, deep down hidden away, Jose may even root for BC. But will he root enough to write about them? Not unless he wants to lose his 10 percent alumni discount at the BU Bookstore.
3. "It is well documented that Jose only refers to himself in the third person, with that one exception at the end of every KEYS. But what is the proper protocol for others to address Jose -- in the third person or the second person singular? Should I have been using "you" rather than "Jose" throughout this comment? And is the protocol the same or different for written and in-person communications? For example, if the Melendezette wishes to get Jose to turn off the damn WWF 2004 Highlights DVD already, does she say "Jose, you really need to go to bed" or "Jose, Jose really needs to go to bed"??? Thank you." Anonymous
This is a fascinating question. Actually, Jose doesn’t like to be addressed by others in the third person or the second person singular. No, he prefers the second person plural pronoun, which by a tremendous coincidence is the same as the second person singular in English. Of course, he likes the accompanying verbs to be in the second person singular. Jose only has hang ups about pronouns, not verbs.
SPECIAL BONUS: Jose is loathe to add a bonus, but he could not let today pass without mentioning one story of note from the Boston Globe. Apparently, a fellow named Mitch Kates is running the Boston mayoral campaign of city councilor at-large Maura Hennigan. Kates appears to be a middling political talent well-suited to a middling mayoral candidate, but he is not without a certain distinction. Once upon a time, Kates wrestled as Jason the Terrible, a goalie masked, ax wielding professional wrestler who in no way infringed upon the copyright of the Friday the 13th horror film franchise.
As you may have noticed, Jose is a bit of a pro-wrestling buff, and with that background, Jose offers some advice to the many influential Boston politicos who read and enjoy the KEYS. First, Jason the Terrible, as Jose recalls, claimed to wear the hockey mask to cover up a face that was horribly scarred in a fire that he started. It may have even bee a fire at an orphanage or foster home. Yet, in today’s Globe, Kates appears to be porcelain skinned. Where are the scars? Is he an arsonist, a liar or both? Either way, should he be running a mayoral campaign? Can the Globe editorialize on this? Second, Jose also recalls Jason the Terrible wrestling in Stampede wrestling in Calgary, Alberta Canada. Stampede, which may now be defunct, was long dominated by the famed Hart family, the most famous of whom are Brett "The Hitman" Heart and the late Owen Hart. Jose suggests that the Menino campaign hire a member of this family as an advisor to help him counter Jason. Jose suggests lesser known wrestler Jack Hart, who when last Jose heard, was representing South Boston in the state Senate…or does he just pretend to be a state Senator as his in ring gimmick. Sometimes it is so hard to tell.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.
During Jose’s time working for the Massachusetts State Legislature, he learned that there is an old saying about constituents and issues. "One constituent calling on an issue is a crank, five are a movement, 10 are a crisis." Well, Jose’s comments on Pride and Prejudice yesterday garnered three critical comments, moving them closer to movement then they are to crank. Thus, Jose, in keeping with U.S. foreign policy, has decided to launch a preemptive strike. In the tradition of lazy sports writers everywhere he will answer his readers when he has no ideas for a post/column. Jose brings you the first ever KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.
1. "Nooo Jose! This is my favorite website other than SoSH to check everyday, but you don't like Pride and Prejudice? Please explain in a further key!" Anonymous
"Ditto the first comment, Jose...". Anonymous
"How can Jose not like Pride and Prejudice? Does Jose not see the sarcasm and wit of this timeless satire on social positions?" Anonymous
Now that Jose notices that all three of these posts are anonymous, he realizes that perhaps Jose just has one fan who really, really likes Pride and Prejudice. Hmm…Ockham’s Razor would say that that is more likely than the theory that three of Jose’s readers loved that book. After all, can the crossover between fans of a baseball blog and Jane Austen really be that big? (Note: Unless the Melendezette and Jose’s mother, both of whom love that book are writing in.)
So on to Jose’s issues with Pride and Prejudice, a.k.a. the most boring book Jose has ever read cover to cover. (Note: Not necessarily the most boring book in history, though it probably is, just the most boring book Jose has ever read cover-to-cover. This is jut like how game three of the ALCS may not be the worst game in baseball history, but it is the worst Jose has ever watched all nine innings of.)
Jose’s first issue is that this book has a fundamentally deceptive title. When Jose picked up this book, he naturally assumed that it was about former Red Sox outfielder Curtis Pride and his struggle against discrimination from those who hate the deaf. Wrong! As it became clear that the 4-A outfielder was not the subject of this book, Jose began to expect that it would be about PRIDE fighting and the bigotry PRIDE promoter and legendary Japanese professional wrestler Antonio Inoki faced as a member of the Japanese Diet because of his wrestling background. Apparently, they thought that he was only going to pretend to legislate. Wrong again!! Finally, Jose assumed that if neither of his first two guesses were true, the book must at least be about a misfit young lion struggling to find his place in the pride and in the world, sort of like Shell Silversteins’s epic Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back. Three times wrong!!! (Note: And maybe four times wrong, as Jose’s friend Mait has informed him that only female lions associate in prides.)
As it turns out, the book is about some Englishwoman and her prejudiced and foolish dismissal of one man in order to be courted by another. Jose defies anyone to say that he wouldn’t rather read about Curtis Pride. (Note: Observe Jose’s use of "he" in the previous sentence. Jose does not defy anyone to say that "she" wouldn’t rather read about the Englishwoman.)
Jose read this book as the summer reading for his 12th grade British Literature class along with the modestly less boring A Passage to India. That is the only way he ever would have read it. And as bad as it was, at least when he finished it, he knew he would never have to sit through it again. Of course, he was wrong yet again, and this brings him to his second complaint – that this book insidiously sneaks into other media. Jose knew when he went to see Bridget Jones’ Diary, it would be a chick flick that he probably wouldn’t like. But how could he possibly have know that it would have been nothing more than a vehicle to foist Pride and Prejudice upon an unsuspecting public.
Jose’s third objection is Austen’s ridiculous use of alliteration in the title of what is ostensibly a piece of high literature. Alliteration is fine for blogs, newspapers and Harlequin Romances, but for serious literature? Did Dostoyevsky call Crime and Punishment "Perpetrators and Punishment?" Did Melvillie call Moby Dick "Of Water and Whales?" Did God call the Bible "Sinners and Saviors?" Nope. Because they know alliteration is just a little trashy. Yo, Austen, you want to use a literary device in your title? Why not sack up and lay down some enjambent.
Finally, Jose hated Pride and Prejudice because it was simply boring. Boring like an Andy Reid press conference. Boring like a Pirates-Twins preseason game. If it was any more boring, it would be a power drill.
So the next time Jose read anything by an author named Austen, you can be sure it will be by Stone Cold Steve Austin, or possibly Austin Croshere’s biography. (Note: Speaking of boring.)
2. "Your discourse on the Eagle is appreciated, how about some "Keys to the BC Eagles 20-0 season"?" Xavier Hall
This item is a little bit dated, as the BC Eagles are now decidedly not undefeated, but Jose still thinks it deserves a response.
To be honest, the odds that Jose will ever write on the BC Eagles are not so good. Jose’s basically doesn’t like BC all that much. Why is an interesting question. After all, Jose, at the age of eight, was as swept up in Flutiemania as anyone. He went to see BC play Alabama at Foxboro in driving hail storm with a relative who had gone to Alabama. (Note: As Jose recalls, this relative, who was a Jew from Worcester, got to Alabama by a curious route. He had only gotten in to two colleges Holy Cross, right there in Worcester, and Alabama. His Jewish mother from some part of what was then the Soviet Union was not going to let her son go to Holy Cross, so Alabama it was. So the only question his mother had was "Zis A-la-ba-ma…Ees in Yoonited Stayts?")
Heck Granny Melendez even knitted Jose a sweater in gold and maroon with a football player bearing Flutie’s 22 on the back. Jose loved that sweater. Of course, the first time he wore it to school, some yokel ripped him for wearing an uncouth homemade garment and he stopped wearing it. (Note: Sorry about that Granny Melendez. That sweater was fantastic. If Jose still weighed 85 pounds, he would so be wearing that sweater.)
But the Flutie era ended, and so did Jose’s interest in BC. In fact, Jose started to downright dislike BC. Why is sort of unclear. Was it the legacy of his great-grandmother who grew up in the Bavarian town of Rothenburg ob der Tauber, where they still fight the 30 years war? Was rooting for a Catholic university, even for in his own home town, simply not in his blood? Was Jose desperately looking for a Japanese-German-Jewish University to root for? Or maybe just maybe…did Jose know even then , in his heart of hearts, that he would go to Boston University?
But Jose is a Boston guy, and he likes college sports okay, so he has pangs. Rooting for BU Football is not exactly compelling. (Note: When Ken Walter got the Patriots punting job, he beat out former BU punter Brad Costello. Jose was so disappointed. He desperately wanted the last BU player in the NFL to be a punter. Costello could have been there for 15 years after the program folded.) Every time BC starts to get some momentum in basketball or football (Note: Never Hockey…not ever hockey), Jose begins to feel the attraction of the local college story. Yes, deep down hidden away, Jose may even root for BC. But will he root enough to write about them? Not unless he wants to lose his 10 percent alumni discount at the BU Bookstore.
3. "It is well documented that Jose only refers to himself in the third person, with that one exception at the end of every KEYS. But what is the proper protocol for others to address Jose -- in the third person or the second person singular? Should I have been using "you" rather than "Jose" throughout this comment? And is the protocol the same or different for written and in-person communications? For example, if the Melendezette wishes to get Jose to turn off the damn WWF 2004 Highlights DVD already, does she say "Jose, you really need to go to bed" or "Jose, Jose really needs to go to bed"??? Thank you." Anonymous
This is a fascinating question. Actually, Jose doesn’t like to be addressed by others in the third person or the second person singular. No, he prefers the second person plural pronoun, which by a tremendous coincidence is the same as the second person singular in English. Of course, he likes the accompanying verbs to be in the second person singular. Jose only has hang ups about pronouns, not verbs.
SPECIAL BONUS: Jose is loathe to add a bonus, but he could not let today pass without mentioning one story of note from the Boston Globe. Apparently, a fellow named Mitch Kates is running the Boston mayoral campaign of city councilor at-large Maura Hennigan. Kates appears to be a middling political talent well-suited to a middling mayoral candidate, but he is not without a certain distinction. Once upon a time, Kates wrestled as Jason the Terrible, a goalie masked, ax wielding professional wrestler who in no way infringed upon the copyright of the Friday the 13th horror film franchise.
As you may have noticed, Jose is a bit of a pro-wrestling buff, and with that background, Jose offers some advice to the many influential Boston politicos who read and enjoy the KEYS. First, Jason the Terrible, as Jose recalls, claimed to wear the hockey mask to cover up a face that was horribly scarred in a fire that he started. It may have even bee a fire at an orphanage or foster home. Yet, in today’s Globe, Kates appears to be porcelain skinned. Where are the scars? Is he an arsonist, a liar or both? Either way, should he be running a mayoral campaign? Can the Globe editorialize on this? Second, Jose also recalls Jason the Terrible wrestling in Stampede wrestling in Calgary, Alberta Canada. Stampede, which may now be defunct, was long dominated by the famed Hart family, the most famous of whom are Brett "The Hitman" Heart and the late Owen Hart. Jose suggests that the Menino campaign hire a member of this family as an advisor to help him counter Jason. Jose suggests lesser known wrestler Jack Hart, who when last Jose heard, was representing South Boston in the state Senate…or does he just pretend to be a state Senator as his in ring gimmick. Sometimes it is so hard to tell.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.
Tuesday, February 15
2/15/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Congratulations to the Beanpot winning BU Terriers. This is the best day of every year to be a BU alum. God knows it’s not when they pick a president.
1. Jose knows that pitchers and catchers don’t report until Thursday, position players until the following week and bloggers until sometime in May, but darn it Jose is just too excited to wait. This year he’s taking a page out of Pedro’s book and he’s getting to Spring Training early. (Note: Jose’s father’s birthday is in November anyway, so blaming his late arrivals on the birthday party always did seem a little disingenuous.)
Now, keep in mind that this does not mean that Jose is actually going to Fort Myers. (Note: There have always been jokes about whether Fort Myers was named after Mike Myers or even Jimmy Myers, Jose thinks Shaughnessy made that last one, but did anyone ever stop to consider the possibility that it may have been named after former Celtics catastrophe Joe Forte? It makes sense doesn’t it? After all, they named a town in Ohio after draft bust Michael Young.) No, Jose likes to go to poor, cold desperate places on his vacations. This year he’s thinking Kosovo. So unless the Sox relocate their spring training to Novosibirsk or Gary, Indiana, Jose probably isn’t going to spring training any time soon any time soon. (Note: Just kidding. Jose likes cold and poor, but not “Gary, Indiana” cold and poor.) Instead, Jose will conduct spring training from his celebrated North End tenement, where it is decidedly not spring. Jose will just turn the thermostat up to about 80, buy a few flowering plants for around the house, set up a May Pole and presto change-o, spring has sprung.
2. We all know what spring training means for players, ignoring the manger, being thrown from moving vehicles and coming up with odd injuries that knock them out of the line up for three months, but what does it mean for bloggers?
Just like many players, bloggers get out of shape and out of practice during the off season. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking…and it disgusts him. No, but seriously, Jose does know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Jose, you wrote during the off season. You wrote about Ukraine and the hot stove and magic tricks. How could you be out of shape?”
Well, those sorts of KEYS are all well and good, but they do not exactly get Jose in the shape required for the rigors of the season. Think about it this way. Manny Ramirez may go to the batting cages at Good Times Emporium in Somerville three times a week for 15 minutes, but it’s not exactly the same as taking live batting practice. Since November, Jose’s basically shown up three or four times a week, done some cursory work and then gone home. That needs to change now. For instance, in preparation for the season, Jose is going to need to build up his endurance. Not only will he need better endurance to write every game day, he’ll need better endurance just to be able to get through the Boston Herald sports section. Do you think Jose reads that sort of thing in the off season? Absolutely not. Jose read the Herald today for the first time in months and it left him winded, depressed and discouraged. After all, who needs news on the assassination in Lebanon, when a hero saved a dog from icy waters? If Jose is going to have success this season, he needs to be able to plow through the Herald, the Metro and maybe even the Phoenix without breaking a sweat.
So let Jose give you a brief rundown on the sorts of drills he’ll be doing between now and the first spring training game. (Note: When he’ll be on a strict word count.)
Typing drills: “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” It’s an oldie but a goodie. It tests Jose’s accuracy to all parts of the keyboard, as well as his speed. Right now both are lacking. Jose originally wrote that as “The quick brown foz juped over the lazy dog,” and it took him 35 minutes. Jose needs to get that down to about 20 seconds. So there’s some room for improvement.
Reading comprehension drills: As any regular reader of Peter Gammons columns knows, understanding baseball writing can be a challenge, and one cannot mock what one does not understand…unless one is mocking its very incomprehensibility. So Jose has cracked out some old SAT test prep books and is working the reading comprehension sections hard. Can he understand the essay about the difference between economic forecasts and weather forecasts? (Note: This is a real SAT essay from Jose’s SATs…that weather forecasts don’t change the weather is the difference.) What about the essay on symbolism in the works of Jane Austen? If Jose can work his way though anything about Jane Austen, author of his least favorite book ever, Pride and Prejudice, Tony Castrati’s latest drivel should be a snap.
Nickname drills – Jose picks random names out of the newspaper and work nicknames.
Kennedy School Belfer Center Director, Robert I. Rotberg – Red Mountain Rob
House Appropriations Chair, Jerry Lewis – Umm…So maybe that’s a little too easy.
Mayoral Candidate Patricia White – Patricia “Thanks Dad” White. Wait…That’s a Shaughnessy nickname for former Celtics owner Paul Gaston. See this is why Jose has to work on this stuff now, so he doesn’t get caught mid-season and end up having to pull and Eric Kneel.
3. Ultimately, spring training is all about fundamentals, and that’s what Jose has to work on. Much like his beloved Red Sox, Jose was successful despite his fundamentals rather than because of them. While the Red Sox survived consecutive four error games in the World Series, Jose survived numerous outings featuring horrific confusions of “to,” “too;” two” “its” and “it’s” and God knows what else. It didn’t seem so bad at the time, but when one looks at the season as a whole, it’s pretty horrific. Ask anyone who read the KEYS book. Jose knows all of the grammar rules; he just gets a little jumpy sometimes when it’s game time.
But, Jose is one year older now, and maybe not this year, but some year, he isn’t going to be able to get by on his stuff any more. He’s going to have to write smarter, not faster or harder. And getting his fundamentals in line now will make that transition a heck of a lot easier down the stretch.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.
Thursday, February 10
2/10/05 Jose Canseco's KEYS TO THE GAME
It’s time for Jose Canseco’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Hi there. Jose Canseco here, MVP, World Series champ, and lover of fast cars, fast women and fastballs. Well, not fastballs so much anymore, but you get the point. I’d like to thank my namesake Jose Melendez for giving me the use of his space today as I promote my new book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. Apparently, Jose’s gone off on a bit of a bender following his correct pick for the Super Bowl, after all, $100 can buy an awful lot of Chef Boyardee, and he isn’t in writing shape write right now. I told him that some steroids would clear that hangover right up, but he said that under the new collective bargaining agreement, blogger.com is now testing. So I offered him some human growth hormone, because you really can’t test for that and…well, you get the point.
But let’s get to the part you’ve all been waiting for. What everyone wants is to hear me name names. You’d think that having been born in Castro’s Cuba, a country with a huge state security system, I’d be sensitive to the danger of naming names, and yet I’m not. Go figure.
So, who’s on drugs? Well, you’ve already heard about my allegations that Mark McGuire, Ivan Rodriguez, Roberto Alomar and Rafael Palmiero were juicing from my publicity leaks, but what other names do I have to give up? Well, I’m no longer just a baseball player. No, since I was blackballed, I’m a writer now too. And that means I have the names of some writers to give up, as well. Did you know Hunter S. Thompson uses drugs? Yup, it’s the God’s honest truth, uppers downers, hallucinogens, horse tranquilizers…the works!!! Remember you heard it here first. And you know who else was on drugs? Well, I don’t really know. I’m not much of a reader see…so let’s just say F. Scott Fitzgerald, Martin Luther, Jane Austen and the guy who wrote Clifford the Big Red Dog. Big red dog…you make the case that he’s not on drugs. (Note: This libel represents the views of Jose Canseco, and not the views of Jose Melendez, blogger.com, or anyone whose brain hasn’t been shrunk to the size of a pecan by years of steroid abuse.)
2. One of the claims in my book that is going to get the most attention is my statement that George W. Bush must have known about the rampant steroid use on the Texas Rangers when he ran the ball club. President Bush, through a spokesman, has denied this, so we end up with a classic he said/he said situation. So what it really comes down to is credibility. On the one hand, you have the President of the United States, the man who assured you that there were WMD in Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and that he is a moderate. On the other hand you have me, Jose Canseco. I dated Madonna.
So there are the facts. You decide who is more credible.
3. Finally, I know this blog is primarily big with Boston folks, so you’re probably wondering if any of the 1995-1996 Boston Red Sox are going to be implicated for drug use in my book. After all, no Red Sox names have leaked out…yet. Well, I’m proud to give KEYS TO THE GAME readers a sneak peak at Jose’s list of Red Sox on drugs.
Kevin Kennedy: Rogaine – Come on, you never thought he grew that mustache without chemical assistance did you?
Roger Clemens, Mike Greenwell: Stupid Pills
Brian Looney: Lithium – Just look at his name. Not to hard to diagnose him with mental illness.
Lee Tinsley: Speed – He must have been, he certainly wasn’t taking any “hit.”
Mo Vaughn: Dexatrim – Well, no. But he should have been.
Will Cordero: Hmm…increasing mass, violent outbursts…hey he might have been on actual steroids!
Tim Johnson: Sodium pentothal – No wait…that’s the one that makes you tell the truth. Which is the one that makes you tell lies about committing war crimes in Vietnam?
See, so it’s a relatively small list, but it still shows just how rampant drug abuse was.
Well, those are about all the wild accusations I have for the moment. I’d like to thank Jose Melendez for this space, and urge you all to buy my book for more shocking accusations about the game you love.
I’m Jose Canseco, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Hi there. Jose Canseco here, MVP, World Series champ, and lover of fast cars, fast women and fastballs. Well, not fastballs so much anymore, but you get the point. I’d like to thank my namesake Jose Melendez for giving me the use of his space today as I promote my new book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. Apparently, Jose’s gone off on a bit of a bender following his correct pick for the Super Bowl, after all, $100 can buy an awful lot of Chef Boyardee, and he isn’t in writing shape write right now. I told him that some steroids would clear that hangover right up, but he said that under the new collective bargaining agreement, blogger.com is now testing. So I offered him some human growth hormone, because you really can’t test for that and…well, you get the point.
But let’s get to the part you’ve all been waiting for. What everyone wants is to hear me name names. You’d think that having been born in Castro’s Cuba, a country with a huge state security system, I’d be sensitive to the danger of naming names, and yet I’m not. Go figure.
So, who’s on drugs? Well, you’ve already heard about my allegations that Mark McGuire, Ivan Rodriguez, Roberto Alomar and Rafael Palmiero were juicing from my publicity leaks, but what other names do I have to give up? Well, I’m no longer just a baseball player. No, since I was blackballed, I’m a writer now too. And that means I have the names of some writers to give up, as well. Did you know Hunter S. Thompson uses drugs? Yup, it’s the God’s honest truth, uppers downers, hallucinogens, horse tranquilizers…the works!!! Remember you heard it here first. And you know who else was on drugs? Well, I don’t really know. I’m not much of a reader see…so let’s just say F. Scott Fitzgerald, Martin Luther, Jane Austen and the guy who wrote Clifford the Big Red Dog. Big red dog…you make the case that he’s not on drugs. (Note: This libel represents the views of Jose Canseco, and not the views of Jose Melendez, blogger.com, or anyone whose brain hasn’t been shrunk to the size of a pecan by years of steroid abuse.)
2. One of the claims in my book that is going to get the most attention is my statement that George W. Bush must have known about the rampant steroid use on the Texas Rangers when he ran the ball club. President Bush, through a spokesman, has denied this, so we end up with a classic he said/he said situation. So what it really comes down to is credibility. On the one hand, you have the President of the United States, the man who assured you that there were WMD in Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and that he is a moderate. On the other hand you have me, Jose Canseco. I dated Madonna.
So there are the facts. You decide who is more credible.
3. Finally, I know this blog is primarily big with Boston folks, so you’re probably wondering if any of the 1995-1996 Boston Red Sox are going to be implicated for drug use in my book. After all, no Red Sox names have leaked out…yet. Well, I’m proud to give KEYS TO THE GAME readers a sneak peak at Jose’s list of Red Sox on drugs.
Kevin Kennedy: Rogaine – Come on, you never thought he grew that mustache without chemical assistance did you?
Roger Clemens, Mike Greenwell: Stupid Pills
Brian Looney: Lithium – Just look at his name. Not to hard to diagnose him with mental illness.
Lee Tinsley: Speed – He must have been, he certainly wasn’t taking any “hit.”
Mo Vaughn: Dexatrim – Well, no. But he should have been.
Will Cordero: Hmm…increasing mass, violent outbursts…hey he might have been on actual steroids!
Tim Johnson: Sodium pentothal – No wait…that’s the one that makes you tell the truth. Which is the one that makes you tell lies about committing war crimes in Vietnam?
See, so it’s a relatively small list, but it still shows just how rampant drug abuse was.
Well, those are about all the wild accusations I have for the moment. I’d like to thank Jose Melendez for this space, and urge you all to buy my book for more shocking accusations about the game you love.
I’m Jose Canseco, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, February 7
2/7/05 - KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
I.
Branch and Bruschi, stars so bright,
In the Super Bowl last night,
All team and no talk of "I"
Let’s bet thy fearful symmetry.
With apologies to William Blake. Jose called it. Symmetry baby, symmetry!!! Pats by 3!!! So Jose not only gets to bask in the gentle glow of the Patriots third world championship, he gets to recline in the comforting gleam of $100 US. Of course, he only has $40 of it right now and will spend the next year chasing down friends in New York, Chicago and Yokohama for his winnings, but at least he doesn’t have to front the money this year. (Note: Jose literally carries the sheet with bets in his wallet at all times so he can ensure that he gets his money.)
The heart stopping moment for Jose the bettor was, of course, Rodney Harrison’s interception at the end of the game. Jose had this moment of sheer terror as it looked like Harrison might decide to run the ball back for a meaningless, pick ruining touchdown. (Note: That would have delighted many other bettors by ensuring that the Patriots covered the spread.) Jose has been down this road before. He thinks Don Beebe’s famous strip of a showboating Leon Lett may have cost him a pot one year, though maybe it was something else. Regardless, thank you Patriots. Jose has never been so thankful that you are too classy to run up the score.
II. One of the disadvantages of writing almost 24 hours after the start of the game is that almost everything that can be written has been written. For instance, at about 6:30 last night, Jose thought that he could do some great original material on the kid who flipped, or more accurately, failed to flip the coin to start the game. But Jose returns home from work to learn that pretty much everyone has already written about it in the desperate hunt for anything new to say. So instead of writing about the coin flip itself, Jose will offer a humble suggestion as to who should flip the coin next year – Jose Melendez. As it turns out Jose, is really, really good with a coin.
Jose’s grandfather Fritz Melendez was a magician (Note: Jose’s father says he grew up in a house where IBM was understood to mean International Brotherhood of Magicians), but died when Jose was less than one year old, so Jose never learned much magic. Sadly, Jose’s muggleness continued until Jose’s sophomore year at BU when a friend taught him as simple trick that involved making a quarter pass magically from hand to hand. Jose’s friend promised him that this trick would be useful in impressing women, and so it has been, becoming a staple of Jose’s second date routine. (Note: Jose knows some women think magic is stupid, but if you hate magic, Jose wants nothing to do with you anyway, as you are probably a communist.) This tactic was especially effective on the Melendezette, as it turns out that her paternal grandfather was also a magician. The trick also served as a useful tool for entertaining Romanian orphans when Jose visited his friend Amy who was working with them. With the language barrier preventing Jose from relying on his normal witty repartee, magic proved the answer.
But wait, there’s more. Jose owes his job to the little trick with the quarter. (Note: Resulting in Jose’s declaration that "This trick is effective on both Romanian orphans and non-profit executives.) Jose works for a coalition that includes both business and organized labor, and as such needed to demonstrate comfort with both sides during the interview process. Jose had spent the previous four years doing corporate public relations, so he felt it was essential to demonstrate that he understood to the board member from labor that corporations could not be trusted.
"Look," Jose explained. "The new trend in PR is ‘Corporate Social Responsibility.’ All sorts of big companies are hiring VPs of Corporate Social Responsibility to oversee good works and what not. But let’s not kid ourselves. Corporate Social Responsibility is really about companies trying to create a suit of armor… a record of good works that will protect them from the lances of corporate scandal. This is what corporate social responsibility really is."
Jose fished a quarter from his pocket and placed it between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. With his left hand he made a great arcing motion and grasped the quarter. Yet when the motion was complete, he opened his left hand to show that the quarter had disappeared, then his right to show that the quarter remained. Magic.
"Jose’s left hand is corporate social responsibility," explained Jose. "The left hand is adopting good causes, and giving money to charity and so on. Yet at the end of the day, that is not where the quarter ends up is it? No, the quarter, the profit, stays in the right hand, because the right hand is business, and for corporations, doing business is always the goal. The left hand is merely a distraction to draw attention away from the fact that the right is doing the same things it always did, polluting the environment, using sweatshop labor and so on. It’s misdirection, plain and simple. But that doesn’t mean we, as a socially minded non-profit can’t turn this to our advantage. As long as we can remember that the interest of business is business and everything it does is with profit making in mind, we can exploit corporate social responsibility quite nicely."
What is amazing is that Jose actually go the job. C’mon. He did a frickin’ magic trick in his interview. That’s nuts.
Months later Jose asked his boss if the trick had helped or hurt. She gave the worst reply of all. "What trick?" Well, as Jose said, not everyone is impressed by magic.
So here is the point: If Jose is given the job of flipping the coin for Super Bowl XL, he can just make the coin disappear, thereby ensuring that the game must begin with an XFL style scramble for the ball, which is really more fun anyway.
III. In this, the final KEY of Jose’s Super Bowl running diary, he would like to simply lament the fact that when he needed it most, he could not remember the theme to the nighttime soap opera Dynasty. He wanted desperately to hum it in celebration of the new Patriots dynasty last night, but he could not. This is probably because Jose has never seen that show in his entire life, but still, knowing the theme song would be useful. Jose could hum the Dallas theme song all day, it’s catchy, but thankfully he’s not a Cowboys fan, so it’s of no use to him.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
I.
Branch and Bruschi, stars so bright,
In the Super Bowl last night,
All team and no talk of "I"
Let’s bet thy fearful symmetry.
With apologies to William Blake. Jose called it. Symmetry baby, symmetry!!! Pats by 3!!! So Jose not only gets to bask in the gentle glow of the Patriots third world championship, he gets to recline in the comforting gleam of $100 US. Of course, he only has $40 of it right now and will spend the next year chasing down friends in New York, Chicago and Yokohama for his winnings, but at least he doesn’t have to front the money this year. (Note: Jose literally carries the sheet with bets in his wallet at all times so he can ensure that he gets his money.)
The heart stopping moment for Jose the bettor was, of course, Rodney Harrison’s interception at the end of the game. Jose had this moment of sheer terror as it looked like Harrison might decide to run the ball back for a meaningless, pick ruining touchdown. (Note: That would have delighted many other bettors by ensuring that the Patriots covered the spread.) Jose has been down this road before. He thinks Don Beebe’s famous strip of a showboating Leon Lett may have cost him a pot one year, though maybe it was something else. Regardless, thank you Patriots. Jose has never been so thankful that you are too classy to run up the score.
II. One of the disadvantages of writing almost 24 hours after the start of the game is that almost everything that can be written has been written. For instance, at about 6:30 last night, Jose thought that he could do some great original material on the kid who flipped, or more accurately, failed to flip the coin to start the game. But Jose returns home from work to learn that pretty much everyone has already written about it in the desperate hunt for anything new to say. So instead of writing about the coin flip itself, Jose will offer a humble suggestion as to who should flip the coin next year – Jose Melendez. As it turns out Jose, is really, really good with a coin.
Jose’s grandfather Fritz Melendez was a magician (Note: Jose’s father says he grew up in a house where IBM was understood to mean International Brotherhood of Magicians), but died when Jose was less than one year old, so Jose never learned much magic. Sadly, Jose’s muggleness continued until Jose’s sophomore year at BU when a friend taught him as simple trick that involved making a quarter pass magically from hand to hand. Jose’s friend promised him that this trick would be useful in impressing women, and so it has been, becoming a staple of Jose’s second date routine. (Note: Jose knows some women think magic is stupid, but if you hate magic, Jose wants nothing to do with you anyway, as you are probably a communist.) This tactic was especially effective on the Melendezette, as it turns out that her paternal grandfather was also a magician. The trick also served as a useful tool for entertaining Romanian orphans when Jose visited his friend Amy who was working with them. With the language barrier preventing Jose from relying on his normal witty repartee, magic proved the answer.
But wait, there’s more. Jose owes his job to the little trick with the quarter. (Note: Resulting in Jose’s declaration that "This trick is effective on both Romanian orphans and non-profit executives.) Jose works for a coalition that includes both business and organized labor, and as such needed to demonstrate comfort with both sides during the interview process. Jose had spent the previous four years doing corporate public relations, so he felt it was essential to demonstrate that he understood to the board member from labor that corporations could not be trusted.
"Look," Jose explained. "The new trend in PR is ‘Corporate Social Responsibility.’ All sorts of big companies are hiring VPs of Corporate Social Responsibility to oversee good works and what not. But let’s not kid ourselves. Corporate Social Responsibility is really about companies trying to create a suit of armor… a record of good works that will protect them from the lances of corporate scandal. This is what corporate social responsibility really is."
Jose fished a quarter from his pocket and placed it between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. With his left hand he made a great arcing motion and grasped the quarter. Yet when the motion was complete, he opened his left hand to show that the quarter had disappeared, then his right to show that the quarter remained. Magic.
"Jose’s left hand is corporate social responsibility," explained Jose. "The left hand is adopting good causes, and giving money to charity and so on. Yet at the end of the day, that is not where the quarter ends up is it? No, the quarter, the profit, stays in the right hand, because the right hand is business, and for corporations, doing business is always the goal. The left hand is merely a distraction to draw attention away from the fact that the right is doing the same things it always did, polluting the environment, using sweatshop labor and so on. It’s misdirection, plain and simple. But that doesn’t mean we, as a socially minded non-profit can’t turn this to our advantage. As long as we can remember that the interest of business is business and everything it does is with profit making in mind, we can exploit corporate social responsibility quite nicely."
What is amazing is that Jose actually go the job. C’mon. He did a frickin’ magic trick in his interview. That’s nuts.
Months later Jose asked his boss if the trick had helped or hurt. She gave the worst reply of all. "What trick?" Well, as Jose said, not everyone is impressed by magic.
So here is the point: If Jose is given the job of flipping the coin for Super Bowl XL, he can just make the coin disappear, thereby ensuring that the game must begin with an XFL style scramble for the ball, which is really more fun anyway.
III. In this, the final KEY of Jose’s Super Bowl running diary, he would like to simply lament the fact that when he needed it most, he could not remember the theme to the nighttime soap opera Dynasty. He wanted desperately to hum it in celebration of the new Patriots dynasty last night, but he could not. This is probably because Jose has never seen that show in his entire life, but still, knowing the theme song would be useful. Jose could hum the Dallas theme song all day, it’s catchy, but thankfully he’s not a Cowboys fan, so it’s of no use to him.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
Sunday, February 6
2/6/05-KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
I. It’s now a little more than one hour from game time and after weeks of training Jose must now begin the painstaking promise of getting into fight mentality. Why fight mentality? Because every year offers the possibility of a throwdown, an invitation to violence, a battle to end all battles. But Jose will not throw haymakers on the streets of Allston or the working class bars of East Cambridge. No, he saves his fighting shoes for a humble living room in a Boston suburb.
Some years ago, Jose and his brother Sam came to blows during the Melendez family Super Bowl party. Well, maybe not blows, but a series of front face locks and chicken wings anyway. As you know, Jose is not one to resort to violence, but some things are worth fighting for. In this case, it was who would get to recline on the floor against a certain pillow. Jose knows it sounds trivial, even barbaric, but you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like and don’t you ever, ever dare to judge Jose unless you do.
The people were packed, there wasn’t a chair, spot on the sofa, ottoman or stool to be found. All that remained were spots on the floor, and even those were scarce. A pillow could mean the difference between comfort and modest backache the next day. There was one pillow left and Jose’s brother tried to steal it from him. Or was it the other way around? It doesn’t matter…in situations like that there is no law of man, only the law of the jungle.
Every year since then, Jose’s friends have taunted him, reminded him of the barbarism, of the madness. They have begged for a rematch and Jose has hinted at consenting. Yes, he has used their bloodlust as an enticement to come to the party; and they have come as surely as people flock to the cockfights or pit bull fights or games between the Pacers and Pistons. Jose has never again yielded to the madness, never again allowed the breakdown of the entire social order to rob him of his civility. But perhaps that time will come again, perhaps it will be today. All Jose knows is he must prepare. He must be ready for the day Sam tries to take his pillow again.
II. The Eagle sounds like a pretty tough mascot doesn’t it? After all, Eagles are huge, fierce birds. But is that really what the Eagles’ founders meant when they christened their franchise?
Pennsylvania has always had one of the greatest concentrations of German-Americans in the entire country, the famed "Pennsylvania Dutch," so might one not reasonably assume that when the Eagles were founded, the owners looked to reach out to their Germanic audience with a name that might resonate with them? The German word "Igel" is pronounced exactly the same as "Eagle," but it has a very different meaning. "Igel" is the German word for "hedgehog." (Note: And Seeigel, is a sea urchin.) So is it not possible, just possible that the real mascot of Philadelphia’s men in green is the hedgehog? Probably not, but Jose would like to think so, as he is almost out of material. So let’s assume they really are the hedgehogs and rejoice in the fact that those hedgehogs don’t scare anybody.
On the other hand, Jose must concede that there is a good chance that the mascot really is an Eagle. After all, the German word for "Eagle" is "Adler," and Jose fully expects most members of the Eagles to look addled after the first few downs.
III. Finally Jose offers his pick for the game. Prepare for the point spread to move. Jose has now collected bets from everyone in his pool and can publicly declare his pick without worrying that the information will aid other bettors.
Jose’s pick is Patriots 27 Eagles 24. When Jose looks at the matchups and looks at the records, he feels almost certain that the margin will be much larger. After all, the Eagles had only one more win against a winning team this year than Little Cesar Crespo had RBIs— not many. But Jose, as usual, gets lost in the symmetry. He is seduced by the easy logic that just because something has happened twice before, it will probably happen again. This is why Jose avoids investing in the stock market. He knows that he can’t trust himself to remember that past performance does not indicate future results. Jose would be too tempted to invest in Enron based on their success in the 1990s, or Ford based on their ingenuity in producing the Model T. And yet, Jose picks the Patriots by three. Yes, the symmetry is indeed seductive. Of course, the upside of this is that every time the Yankees get up 3-0 in a series for the rest of history, Jose will be completely confident of a choke.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
I. It’s now a little more than one hour from game time and after weeks of training Jose must now begin the painstaking promise of getting into fight mentality. Why fight mentality? Because every year offers the possibility of a throwdown, an invitation to violence, a battle to end all battles. But Jose will not throw haymakers on the streets of Allston or the working class bars of East Cambridge. No, he saves his fighting shoes for a humble living room in a Boston suburb.
Some years ago, Jose and his brother Sam came to blows during the Melendez family Super Bowl party. Well, maybe not blows, but a series of front face locks and chicken wings anyway. As you know, Jose is not one to resort to violence, but some things are worth fighting for. In this case, it was who would get to recline on the floor against a certain pillow. Jose knows it sounds trivial, even barbaric, but you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like and don’t you ever, ever dare to judge Jose unless you do.
The people were packed, there wasn’t a chair, spot on the sofa, ottoman or stool to be found. All that remained were spots on the floor, and even those were scarce. A pillow could mean the difference between comfort and modest backache the next day. There was one pillow left and Jose’s brother tried to steal it from him. Or was it the other way around? It doesn’t matter…in situations like that there is no law of man, only the law of the jungle.
Every year since then, Jose’s friends have taunted him, reminded him of the barbarism, of the madness. They have begged for a rematch and Jose has hinted at consenting. Yes, he has used their bloodlust as an enticement to come to the party; and they have come as surely as people flock to the cockfights or pit bull fights or games between the Pacers and Pistons. Jose has never again yielded to the madness, never again allowed the breakdown of the entire social order to rob him of his civility. But perhaps that time will come again, perhaps it will be today. All Jose knows is he must prepare. He must be ready for the day Sam tries to take his pillow again.
II. The Eagle sounds like a pretty tough mascot doesn’t it? After all, Eagles are huge, fierce birds. But is that really what the Eagles’ founders meant when they christened their franchise?
Pennsylvania has always had one of the greatest concentrations of German-Americans in the entire country, the famed "Pennsylvania Dutch," so might one not reasonably assume that when the Eagles were founded, the owners looked to reach out to their Germanic audience with a name that might resonate with them? The German word "Igel" is pronounced exactly the same as "Eagle," but it has a very different meaning. "Igel" is the German word for "hedgehog." (Note: And Seeigel, is a sea urchin.) So is it not possible, just possible that the real mascot of Philadelphia’s men in green is the hedgehog? Probably not, but Jose would like to think so, as he is almost out of material. So let’s assume they really are the hedgehogs and rejoice in the fact that those hedgehogs don’t scare anybody.
On the other hand, Jose must concede that there is a good chance that the mascot really is an Eagle. After all, the German word for "Eagle" is "Adler," and Jose fully expects most members of the Eagles to look addled after the first few downs.
III. Finally Jose offers his pick for the game. Prepare for the point spread to move. Jose has now collected bets from everyone in his pool and can publicly declare his pick without worrying that the information will aid other bettors.
Jose’s pick is Patriots 27 Eagles 24. When Jose looks at the matchups and looks at the records, he feels almost certain that the margin will be much larger. After all, the Eagles had only one more win against a winning team this year than Little Cesar Crespo had RBIs— not many. But Jose, as usual, gets lost in the symmetry. He is seduced by the easy logic that just because something has happened twice before, it will probably happen again. This is why Jose avoids investing in the stock market. He knows that he can’t trust himself to remember that past performance does not indicate future results. Jose would be too tempted to invest in Enron based on their success in the 1990s, or Ford based on their ingenuity in producing the Model T. And yet, Jose picks the Patriots by three. Yes, the symmetry is indeed seductive. Of course, the upside of this is that every time the Yankees get up 3-0 in a series for the rest of history, Jose will be completely confident of a choke.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
Saturday, February 5
2/5/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
I. Well, it seems like Jose has been able to make it to just about as many Super Bowl events in Jacksonville as Bill Simmons. Apparently, getting to them from Boston is almost as inconvenient as getting to them from anywhere in Jacksonville. (Note: After reading Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Jose realized that since it is the Super Bowl the KEYS should have roman numerals. Thanks TMQ!)
The big news yesterday was that Socrates of Route 1, Bill Belicheck refused to touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy for a photo shoot yesterday. Apparently, Belicheck didn’t want to jinx the team or be presumptuous by touching the trophy without actually having won. Jose knows exactly how he feels. When they cut the promos for this year’s Pulitzer Prize Awards ceremony, Jose refused to touch the Pulitzer Prize, pose with the Pulitzer prize or even talk with the selection committee. Jose is pleased that the committee has respected his superstition by not even trying to contact him. Yes, Jose will just sit back and wait to receive the news that he is the new winner of a shiny Pulitzer Prize, suitable for framing or selling on Ebay. (Note: Jose is not a historian of journalism, but wasn’t Joseph Pulitzer the owner of yellow journalism tabloids that competed with the Hearst papers to see who could go deeper into the gutter? If Jose has that right, is it really appropriate to name journalism’s most prestigious award for him? Isn’t it a little bit like calling the Super Bowl Trophy the "Rich Kotite Trophy," the Stanley Cup the "Jeremy Jacobs Cup," the NBA Championship trophy the "Rick Pitino Trophy," or the World Series trophy, the "Alex Rodriguez Trophy?" Or would it be more like calling MLB’s sportsmanship award the "Alex Rodriguez Award?")
II. On Thursday night, the Melendezette talked Jose into watching an MTV program called "Super Sweet 16 Bash" or something to that effect. This show made Jose feel bad….really, really bad. Normally the sorts of shows that make Jose feel bad are about war torn countries, or crime or the 86 Series, but this time it was a show about a teenager’s birthday party. Why? Because it made Jose sort of hate people, and hate makes Jose sad.
The premise of the show is that they follow around an unbelievably rich, unbelievably spoiled teenager as she plans and hold a grotesque, excessive, unbelievably expensive sweet 16 party. On this episode they followed around a girl from California as she flew to Paris to buy an expensive, slutty dress, whines to her father about how if she doesn’t get a Range Rover as a present, her birthday will be ruined, and selects which four shirtless male college students she will have carry her in on an elegantly upholster lounging couch (Note: Jose has no idea what this piece of furniture is called, but think Emperor Nero) as she makes her entrance to her "Arabian Nights" themed party. (Note: What do these guys say when their friends or families ask how they are making money? "Oh, I’m a shirtless servant to a 16 year old girl?" Jose guesses they lie and say they are something marginally less humiliating like sperm bank technician, gigolo or player for the New York Yankees…well, maybe not player for the Yankees, that’s more humiliating, but you get the point.) In total, the party costs $200,000.
Jose knows people watch these sort of shows for their train wreck quality, and they are undeniably amusing, but Jose just hates the people on them so much that he finds it unsettling. Those sorts of emotions should be reserved for tyrants, thugs and members of a certain choking baseball team.
Jose is a liberal and all these shows make him think is that we should tax the hell out of these people. Actually, Jose would like to see this become part of the Democrats messaging in the next election, or for the reimplementation of the estate tax. Jose would like to see John Kerry, Howard Dean or whoever get up there and say, "The difference between the Republicans and me is that I believe Paris Hilton should pay a lot more taxes, they believe she’s earned it." Now, you fans of the Paris Hilton tape make argue that she did earn it, but Jose will gladly let the Republicans adopt a firm stance in favor of amateur pornography.
But look, Jose is going on about these despicable brats as if they are KEYS worthy…if it wasn’t the Super Bowl, they’d never make the cut. Enough.
III. Jose just saw the anti-rioting "celebrate responsibly" ad featuring Theo Epstein, and The Honorable Thomas M. Menino urging Bostonians to "celebrate responsibly." Jose would also like to urge you to celebrate responsibly, but he wants to be really clear on what that actually means.
1. When setting cars alight, consider using electric tea lights rather than gasoline.
2. Always drink responsibly. If you are going to make screwdrivers, use Rubinoff, not the good vodka.
3. Most riots are in college neighborhoods. If you are a college student, consider dropping out.
4. If the police start shooting into the crowd try to duck. (Note: Being serious for a moment, we should never forget that Victoria Snellgrove died because a police officer shot her with a weapon he was not trained to use. Jose is generally pro-police, but rioters did not cause that death, bad BPD policies did, and that really does make Jose sad.)
5. If you insist on rioting, have some consideration for your neighbors. Make it a Quiet Riot.
6. Stay away from Jose’s house.
7. Remember that rioting is a function of "mob mentality." Avoid watching Godfather, Goodfellas or the Sopranos for the next two days; they might give you mob mentality.
8. Colleges have vowed to expel rioting students. If you are failing out anyway, carefully evaluate which news would upset your parents more – the news that you failed out of school or the news that you were expelled – then make a responsible decision.
9. If confused by what "celebrating responsibly really means" consider consulting the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996." As best Jose recalls from the thesis he wrote on it, it defines being responsible as not being on welfare, so Jose urges you not to celebrate a Patriots win or mourn a Patriots loss by going on Transitional Aid to Needy Families.
10. Listening to the song "Celebrate Good Times" is never responsible. NEVER.
I. Well, it seems like Jose has been able to make it to just about as many Super Bowl events in Jacksonville as Bill Simmons. Apparently, getting to them from Boston is almost as inconvenient as getting to them from anywhere in Jacksonville. (Note: After reading Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Jose realized that since it is the Super Bowl the KEYS should have roman numerals. Thanks TMQ!)
The big news yesterday was that Socrates of Route 1, Bill Belicheck refused to touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy for a photo shoot yesterday. Apparently, Belicheck didn’t want to jinx the team or be presumptuous by touching the trophy without actually having won. Jose knows exactly how he feels. When they cut the promos for this year’s Pulitzer Prize Awards ceremony, Jose refused to touch the Pulitzer Prize, pose with the Pulitzer prize or even talk with the selection committee. Jose is pleased that the committee has respected his superstition by not even trying to contact him. Yes, Jose will just sit back and wait to receive the news that he is the new winner of a shiny Pulitzer Prize, suitable for framing or selling on Ebay. (Note: Jose is not a historian of journalism, but wasn’t Joseph Pulitzer the owner of yellow journalism tabloids that competed with the Hearst papers to see who could go deeper into the gutter? If Jose has that right, is it really appropriate to name journalism’s most prestigious award for him? Isn’t it a little bit like calling the Super Bowl Trophy the "Rich Kotite Trophy," the Stanley Cup the "Jeremy Jacobs Cup," the NBA Championship trophy the "Rick Pitino Trophy," or the World Series trophy, the "Alex Rodriguez Trophy?" Or would it be more like calling MLB’s sportsmanship award the "Alex Rodriguez Award?")
II. On Thursday night, the Melendezette talked Jose into watching an MTV program called "Super Sweet 16 Bash" or something to that effect. This show made Jose feel bad….really, really bad. Normally the sorts of shows that make Jose feel bad are about war torn countries, or crime or the 86 Series, but this time it was a show about a teenager’s birthday party. Why? Because it made Jose sort of hate people, and hate makes Jose sad.
The premise of the show is that they follow around an unbelievably rich, unbelievably spoiled teenager as she plans and hold a grotesque, excessive, unbelievably expensive sweet 16 party. On this episode they followed around a girl from California as she flew to Paris to buy an expensive, slutty dress, whines to her father about how if she doesn’t get a Range Rover as a present, her birthday will be ruined, and selects which four shirtless male college students she will have carry her in on an elegantly upholster lounging couch (Note: Jose has no idea what this piece of furniture is called, but think Emperor Nero) as she makes her entrance to her "Arabian Nights" themed party. (Note: What do these guys say when their friends or families ask how they are making money? "Oh, I’m a shirtless servant to a 16 year old girl?" Jose guesses they lie and say they are something marginally less humiliating like sperm bank technician, gigolo or player for the New York Yankees…well, maybe not player for the Yankees, that’s more humiliating, but you get the point.) In total, the party costs $200,000.
Jose knows people watch these sort of shows for their train wreck quality, and they are undeniably amusing, but Jose just hates the people on them so much that he finds it unsettling. Those sorts of emotions should be reserved for tyrants, thugs and members of a certain choking baseball team.
Jose is a liberal and all these shows make him think is that we should tax the hell out of these people. Actually, Jose would like to see this become part of the Democrats messaging in the next election, or for the reimplementation of the estate tax. Jose would like to see John Kerry, Howard Dean or whoever get up there and say, "The difference between the Republicans and me is that I believe Paris Hilton should pay a lot more taxes, they believe she’s earned it." Now, you fans of the Paris Hilton tape make argue that she did earn it, but Jose will gladly let the Republicans adopt a firm stance in favor of amateur pornography.
But look, Jose is going on about these despicable brats as if they are KEYS worthy…if it wasn’t the Super Bowl, they’d never make the cut. Enough.
III. Jose just saw the anti-rioting "celebrate responsibly" ad featuring Theo Epstein, and The Honorable Thomas M. Menino urging Bostonians to "celebrate responsibly." Jose would also like to urge you to celebrate responsibly, but he wants to be really clear on what that actually means.
1. When setting cars alight, consider using electric tea lights rather than gasoline.
2. Always drink responsibly. If you are going to make screwdrivers, use Rubinoff, not the good vodka.
3. Most riots are in college neighborhoods. If you are a college student, consider dropping out.
4. If the police start shooting into the crowd try to duck. (Note: Being serious for a moment, we should never forget that Victoria Snellgrove died because a police officer shot her with a weapon he was not trained to use. Jose is generally pro-police, but rioters did not cause that death, bad BPD policies did, and that really does make Jose sad.)
5. If you insist on rioting, have some consideration for your neighbors. Make it a Quiet Riot.
6. Stay away from Jose’s house.
7. Remember that rioting is a function of "mob mentality." Avoid watching Godfather, Goodfellas or the Sopranos for the next two days; they might give you mob mentality.
8. Colleges have vowed to expel rioting students. If you are failing out anyway, carefully evaluate which news would upset your parents more – the news that you failed out of school or the news that you were expelled – then make a responsible decision.
9. If confused by what "celebrating responsibly really means" consider consulting the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996." As best Jose recalls from the thesis he wrote on it, it defines being responsible as not being on welfare, so Jose urges you not to celebrate a Patriots win or mourn a Patriots loss by going on Transitional Aid to Needy Families.
10. Listening to the song "Celebrate Good Times" is never responsible. NEVER.
I'm Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
Thursday, February 3
2/3/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
1. Today we continue Jose’s running journal on Super Bowl XXXIX, a veritable grab bag of football, non-football and vaguely footballish KEYS. Today we begin with a KEY that is nominally related to football. In his previous entry, Jose wrote about the Melendez family’s grand traditions for football’s greatest, or at bare minimum third greatest, game. (Note: After the AFC championship and AFC division contests. And perhaps the Belmont-Watertown Thanksgiving game.)
Despite the years of noble tradition, not everything has gone always gone smoothly. For instance, there was 1995, the first year in many, many years, that Jose decided not to have a party at the Melendez family compound. Instead. Jose attended a party where the hosts decided to start watching the Simpsons at half time (Note: No problem), and then refused to change back when half time was over (Note: Problem). Jose loves the Simpsons as much as anyone, but watching a new Simpsons episode, much less a rerun, should never take precedence over even the most one sided of Super Bowls at the opening of the third quarter. One should never switch to the Simpsons unless the margin is four touchdowns at the beginning of the fourth quarter. This is just common sense people. On the plus side, there were a lot of chicken wings at the party.
2. But that was not the worst. No, the worst was the 49ers-Broncos Super Bowl in 1990. That was the Super Bowl that never was. Sure the final was 55-10 or something similar, so most football fans would like to think of it as the Super Bowl that never was, but for Jose, it really never was…he didn’t watch it. Instead, he was in sex ed. Sounds a little odd doesn’t it? But it’s true. Jose is a Unitarian-Universalist, the religious equivalent of O’Douls, and one of the religion’s tenants, in addition to the inherent dignity of all human beings and the importance of the democratic process is, apparently, that teenagers should get rigorous and explicit sex education, using the finest technology of the swinging 70s.
You see, the UU’s offered a sex ed class called "About Your Sexuality" (AYS) that presented teens with all of the useful information about sexuality that public school classes tend to omit in favor of lectures on self-esteem. (Note: The health class in Jose’s middle school, as part of the self-esteem curriculum, required students to come up with one nice thing to say anonymously about each of their classmates. Before this process began, the teacher sought to prove that one could say nice things about anyone by insisting that we develop a list of positive things about one of the worst people ever – Hitler. So everyone had to come up with nice things to say about Hitler. Jose doesn’t know which bothered him more, that he had to say something nice about Hitler, that his mustache was always well-trimmed or something like that, or that as a result, Jose believed for years that Hitler was a talented painter….that’s B.S., Hitler’s painting sucked.) In AYS, students were not only given useful information about anatomy, birth control, and sex, but actually shown film strips of people engaging in sex acts…not videos….film strips…you know, people in the missionary position (turn strip) doggy style, (turn strip) reverse cowgirl, etc. And keep in mind that this was 1990, we should have at least had VHS. Yup, hearing one’s parents church friends (Note: A couple from the church led the class) was traumatic enough, but having them talk through film strips…now that’s 86 World Series traumatic.
But what the hell does this have to do with football? Well, the initial class was set for Super Bowl Sunday during the big game. Jose was furious. This was the Super Bowl, this was the Bud Bowl, this was not something to be cast aside for a mere anatomy primer. Jose’s reform Jewish friend Dan, thought Jose was a sucker. He went on and on about how his Rabbi would never set anything for during the Super Bowl, and even if he did, he would reschedule after learning of his error, assimilation and all, Jose supposes. Of course, two years later, Dan’s Rabbi scheduled a Jewish youth group event for during the Super Bowl and Dan went along meekly. Wuss.
Jose did not go meekly. He complained to his parents with great anger, so stirring his mother that at the parents organizing meeting to explain the class, she rose and passionately implored the group to postpone the start of the class by one week. Just when she had begun to sway the crowd with her stirring and highly logical oratory, Jose’s father rose to support his wife. BAM. He insisted that the class not be postponed. In perhaps the most shocking reversal since Mr. Wonderful Paul Ornorff, clotheslined his tag team partner Hulk Hogan to the ground following a match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Dick Melendez double crossed his son.
As it turns out, Dick Melendez did his son a favor. The game was the biggest blow out in Super Bowl history, and Jose saw only the relatively competitive first quarter. And the class? Well, let’s just say Jose knows an awful lot about the ladies.
3. Finally, Jose leaves the world of football. Jose has learned that among the wrestlers being inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this year are former Tag Team Champions Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik. (Note: The Iron Sheik is also a former World Champion.) Jose finds a disturbing lack of resolve on the part of the WWF-owning McMahon in their decision to induct such rabid anti-Americans. Don’t they know there’s a war on? In light of pending Iranian nuclearization and renewed Russian militarism is this really appropriate? Won’t it give strength and comfort to our enemies? ? Is the Attorney General paying attention? Jose demands that they repeal these two inductions and replace them with real American heroes like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiasie and Irwin R. Shyster.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
1. Today we continue Jose’s running journal on Super Bowl XXXIX, a veritable grab bag of football, non-football and vaguely footballish KEYS. Today we begin with a KEY that is nominally related to football. In his previous entry, Jose wrote about the Melendez family’s grand traditions for football’s greatest, or at bare minimum third greatest, game. (Note: After the AFC championship and AFC division contests. And perhaps the Belmont-Watertown Thanksgiving game.)
Despite the years of noble tradition, not everything has gone always gone smoothly. For instance, there was 1995, the first year in many, many years, that Jose decided not to have a party at the Melendez family compound. Instead. Jose attended a party where the hosts decided to start watching the Simpsons at half time (Note: No problem), and then refused to change back when half time was over (Note: Problem). Jose loves the Simpsons as much as anyone, but watching a new Simpsons episode, much less a rerun, should never take precedence over even the most one sided of Super Bowls at the opening of the third quarter. One should never switch to the Simpsons unless the margin is four touchdowns at the beginning of the fourth quarter. This is just common sense people. On the plus side, there were a lot of chicken wings at the party.
2. But that was not the worst. No, the worst was the 49ers-Broncos Super Bowl in 1990. That was the Super Bowl that never was. Sure the final was 55-10 or something similar, so most football fans would like to think of it as the Super Bowl that never was, but for Jose, it really never was…he didn’t watch it. Instead, he was in sex ed. Sounds a little odd doesn’t it? But it’s true. Jose is a Unitarian-Universalist, the religious equivalent of O’Douls, and one of the religion’s tenants, in addition to the inherent dignity of all human beings and the importance of the democratic process is, apparently, that teenagers should get rigorous and explicit sex education, using the finest technology of the swinging 70s.
You see, the UU’s offered a sex ed class called "About Your Sexuality" (AYS) that presented teens with all of the useful information about sexuality that public school classes tend to omit in favor of lectures on self-esteem. (Note: The health class in Jose’s middle school, as part of the self-esteem curriculum, required students to come up with one nice thing to say anonymously about each of their classmates. Before this process began, the teacher sought to prove that one could say nice things about anyone by insisting that we develop a list of positive things about one of the worst people ever – Hitler. So everyone had to come up with nice things to say about Hitler. Jose doesn’t know which bothered him more, that he had to say something nice about Hitler, that his mustache was always well-trimmed or something like that, or that as a result, Jose believed for years that Hitler was a talented painter….that’s B.S., Hitler’s painting sucked.) In AYS, students were not only given useful information about anatomy, birth control, and sex, but actually shown film strips of people engaging in sex acts…not videos….film strips…you know, people in the missionary position
But what the hell does this have to do with football? Well, the initial class was set for Super Bowl Sunday during the big game. Jose was furious. This was the Super Bowl, this was the Bud Bowl, this was not something to be cast aside for a mere anatomy primer. Jose’s reform Jewish friend Dan, thought Jose was a sucker. He went on and on about how his Rabbi would never set anything for during the Super Bowl, and even if he did, he would reschedule after learning of his error, assimilation and all, Jose supposes. Of course, two years later, Dan’s Rabbi scheduled a Jewish youth group event for during the Super Bowl and Dan went along meekly. Wuss.
Jose did not go meekly. He complained to his parents with great anger, so stirring his mother that at the parents organizing meeting to explain the class, she rose and passionately implored the group to postpone the start of the class by one week. Just when she had begun to sway the crowd with her stirring and highly logical oratory, Jose’s father rose to support his wife. BAM. He insisted that the class not be postponed. In perhaps the most shocking reversal since Mr. Wonderful Paul Ornorff, clotheslined his tag team partner Hulk Hogan to the ground following a match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Dick Melendez double crossed his son.
As it turns out, Dick Melendez did his son a favor. The game was the biggest blow out in Super Bowl history, and Jose saw only the relatively competitive first quarter. And the class? Well, let’s just say Jose knows an awful lot about the ladies.
3. Finally, Jose leaves the world of football. Jose has learned that among the wrestlers being inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this year are former Tag Team Champions Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik. (Note: The Iron Sheik is also a former World Champion.) Jose finds a disturbing lack of resolve on the part of the WWF-owning McMahon in their decision to induct such rabid anti-Americans. Don’t they know there’s a war on? In light of pending Iranian nuclearization and renewed Russian militarism is this really appropriate? Won’t it give strength and comfort to our enemies? ? Is the Attorney General paying attention? Jose demands that they repeal these two inductions and replace them with real American heroes like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiasie and Irwin R. Shyster.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
Tuesday, February 1
2/1/05 - KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
1. That’s right, for the remainder of Super Bowl week Jose will be keeping a running diary of his Super Bowl week experiences. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Wow, Jose I didn’t even know you were at the Super Bowl."
Well, the truth is, Jose isn’t at the Super Bowl, and he certainly isn’t spending the week in a cushy hotel 45 minutes from the center of a centerless city on an expense account. In fact, he wasn’t even planning on doing a running diary until Bill Simmons convinced him otherwise. Jose is a big fan of Simmons and has been following his running Super Bowl diary for ESPN Page 2, just as he did last year, and today, Jose noticed something. It isn’t really about football. So far, Simmons’ diary appears to have consisted mostly of commentary about what he watched on TV and the death of Johnny Carson. Jose’s not saying that Simmons isn’t in Jacksonville, obviously he is, but it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t need to be. After all, until Sunday at 6:30 EST, there isn’t a whole heck of lot going on that has anything to do with football. So for days reporter after reporter will write columns diminishing the city of Jacksonville, discussing subjects completely unrelated to football (celebrities, parties, advertisements) and occasionally writing a story on Terrell Owens. As it turns out, Jose can do that from the relative comfort of his tenement in Boston’s historic North End. In fact, Jose can use this as an excuse to write single KEYS on every subject that he hasn’t been able to come up with a full three KEYS for over the past year. So let’s get cracking.
2. Jose and his brother Sam will be watching the Super Bowl at the Melendez family compound in an undisclosed suburban Boston town this year. (Note: Here’s a hint…it’s not Watertown.) For years and years, Jose held a Super Bowl party at the compound every year, beginning with the Patriots first Super Bowl appearance in 1996 (Correction: 1986) when Jose was in fourth grade. As you may recall, the game was not so good, and Jose’s mother made the tough decision to call the parents of Jose’s friends and ask them to pick up their increasingly rowdy children at half time. How rowdy were we? Well, let’s put it this way, at that moment it seemed far more likely that we were all on cocaine than half the Patriots squad. To this day, Jose’s mother regards that as the only party she has ever thrown that was a failure. Thank you again Tony Eason, Raymond Berry and friends for making Jose’s mom feel bad.
One of the traditions begun that day was the Melendez friends and family Super Bowl pool. Of course, there were some logistical problems that year. First, everyone left at halftime, so arranging for the winner to take his winnings would have been hard. But the greater problem was that everyone except Jose’s parents was nine years old, so cash to gamble away was in fairly short supply. (Note: Despite the fact that neither Jose nor his parents are gamblers, gambling seems to have played a significant part in a lot of parties at his house. At one of Jose’s birthday parties, Jose’s father taught Jose and his friends to pitch pennies. One of Jose’s guests was from Mattapan, and his father looked at the penny pitching with amusement and pointed out that "In our neighborhood, we teach kids NOT to pitch pennies.) How did we solve the jackpot problem? Jose’s mother bought a Go-Boot to give to the pool’s winner. One would figure that the promise of a shiny new robot that transformed into some sort of drilling truck would be enough to maintain a the interest of a child, but alas it was not. As one might imagine for such a disastrous party, the winner of the Go-Bot was….yup, Jose’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the robot was not programmed to handle rowdy children. Actually, this was the start of a trend. Jose’s mother has won the pool three times over the years, making her the all-time wins leader. While her wins are not fueled by an in-depth knowledge of football, she at least has a more legitimate claim to the pot than Jose’s father, who always responds to news of the pool with the question "Who’s playing?" followed closely by the question "What do I have to tell you?"
3. Another tradition at the Melendez Super Bowl party is cooking food that is related to the culture of the host city. For instance, when the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, we have prepared jambalaya and red beans and rice. For Sand Diego…well, to be honest, we’ve just kept making jambalaya year after year, along with nachos and cocktail hot dogs. They just taste good. But this year we want to really reenergize the tradition, so in honor of Jacksonville, we’re thinking about making some white toast and ordering in from Red Lobster. (Note: See Jose doesn’t have to actually be in Jacksonville to hate on it just like the "professional" journalists.)
Well, this was a remarkably football centric Super Bowl KEYS, but not to worry, there are still five more days for stories about the Melendez Super Bowl party and many, many subjects completely unrelated to football.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
1. That’s right, for the remainder of Super Bowl week Jose will be keeping a running diary of his Super Bowl week experiences. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Wow, Jose I didn’t even know you were at the Super Bowl."
Well, the truth is, Jose isn’t at the Super Bowl, and he certainly isn’t spending the week in a cushy hotel 45 minutes from the center of a centerless city on an expense account. In fact, he wasn’t even planning on doing a running diary until Bill Simmons convinced him otherwise. Jose is a big fan of Simmons and has been following his running Super Bowl diary for ESPN Page 2, just as he did last year, and today, Jose noticed something. It isn’t really about football. So far, Simmons’ diary appears to have consisted mostly of commentary about what he watched on TV and the death of Johnny Carson. Jose’s not saying that Simmons isn’t in Jacksonville, obviously he is, but it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t need to be. After all, until Sunday at 6:30 EST, there isn’t a whole heck of lot going on that has anything to do with football. So for days reporter after reporter will write columns diminishing the city of Jacksonville, discussing subjects completely unrelated to football (celebrities, parties, advertisements) and occasionally writing a story on Terrell Owens. As it turns out, Jose can do that from the relative comfort of his tenement in Boston’s historic North End. In fact, Jose can use this as an excuse to write single KEYS on every subject that he hasn’t been able to come up with a full three KEYS for over the past year. So let’s get cracking.
2. Jose and his brother Sam will be watching the Super Bowl at the Melendez family compound in an undisclosed suburban Boston town this year. (Note: Here’s a hint…it’s not Watertown.) For years and years, Jose held a Super Bowl party at the compound every year, beginning with the Patriots first Super Bowl appearance in 1996 (Correction: 1986) when Jose was in fourth grade. As you may recall, the game was not so good, and Jose’s mother made the tough decision to call the parents of Jose’s friends and ask them to pick up their increasingly rowdy children at half time. How rowdy were we? Well, let’s put it this way, at that moment it seemed far more likely that we were all on cocaine than half the Patriots squad. To this day, Jose’s mother regards that as the only party she has ever thrown that was a failure. Thank you again Tony Eason, Raymond Berry and friends for making Jose’s mom feel bad.
One of the traditions begun that day was the Melendez friends and family Super Bowl pool. Of course, there were some logistical problems that year. First, everyone left at halftime, so arranging for the winner to take his winnings would have been hard. But the greater problem was that everyone except Jose’s parents was nine years old, so cash to gamble away was in fairly short supply. (Note: Despite the fact that neither Jose nor his parents are gamblers, gambling seems to have played a significant part in a lot of parties at his house. At one of Jose’s birthday parties, Jose’s father taught Jose and his friends to pitch pennies. One of Jose’s guests was from Mattapan, and his father looked at the penny pitching with amusement and pointed out that "In our neighborhood, we teach kids NOT to pitch pennies.) How did we solve the jackpot problem? Jose’s mother bought a Go-Boot to give to the pool’s winner. One would figure that the promise of a shiny new robot that transformed into some sort of drilling truck would be enough to maintain a the interest of a child, but alas it was not. As one might imagine for such a disastrous party, the winner of the Go-Bot was….yup, Jose’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the robot was not programmed to handle rowdy children. Actually, this was the start of a trend. Jose’s mother has won the pool three times over the years, making her the all-time wins leader. While her wins are not fueled by an in-depth knowledge of football, she at least has a more legitimate claim to the pot than Jose’s father, who always responds to news of the pool with the question "Who’s playing?" followed closely by the question "What do I have to tell you?"
3. Another tradition at the Melendez Super Bowl party is cooking food that is related to the culture of the host city. For instance, when the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, we have prepared jambalaya and red beans and rice. For Sand Diego…well, to be honest, we’ve just kept making jambalaya year after year, along with nachos and cocktail hot dogs. They just taste good. But this year we want to really reenergize the tradition, so in honor of Jacksonville, we’re thinking about making some white toast and ordering in from Red Lobster. (Note: See Jose doesn’t have to actually be in Jacksonville to hate on it just like the "professional" journalists.)
Well, this was a remarkably football centric Super Bowl KEYS, but not to worry, there are still five more days for stories about the Melendez Super Bowl party and many, many subjects completely unrelated to football.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.
Sunday, January 30
1/30/05 - KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.
1. Now that Doug Mientkiewicz is gone from the Red Sox roster and closed captioneers everywhere have been freed from the cruel toil of typing his name at great speed, Jose should probably address the infamous World Series ball situation. Since the situation has now been more or less resolved, with the Red Sox displaying the ball and the ownership of the ball remaining indeterminate for now, it may seem like Jose is as far behind on this issue as Arod on a Curt Euro fastball. But Jose would disagree. Jose thinks he is right on the vanguard of the real issue. The real issue, of course, is who owns all manner of World Series memorabilia.
People act like the ball was the only piece of precious World Series history that might have gone missing. But what happened to the Mientkeiwicz’s glove? What happened to the bases? What happened to Terry Eurona’s score card? And if the Red Sox traded Mientkiewicz to a team where he would be a starter as a reward for agreeing to share the ball (Note: They didn’t, but let’s pretend.) is it not possible, just possible, that they acquired Edgar Renteria in order to get the bat that struck the final out of the World Series?
And what about other items of historical import? What happened to the chalk from the base lines? Was it washed away? Did it disappear up Darryl Strawberry’s nose like so much other white powder before it? What about World Series MVP Manny Ramirez’s Game 4 jock strap? Has anyone even bothered to look into that? Even Jose has not been immune. For the past three weeks, Jose has been getting phone calls from Leisure Suit Larry Lucchnino demanding that Jose hand over the computer he used to write the KEYS to Game 4 of the World Series. Lucchino insists that it doesn’t belong to Jose, it really belongs to the fans, by which he means the Red Sox, and that it should be touring New England, or in the Red Sox museum, not that such a thing exists, rather than in Jose’s frosty tenement apartment. Jose agrees that the computer doesn’t belong to him, but he disagrees about to whom it belongs. Larry says the people own it, Jose says the Melendezette owns it, because she, you know, paid for it. Let’s see the people…the Melendezette…the people…the Melendezette. Hmmm….Sorry Larry, Jose’s beloved "the people" are going to lose out on this one.
2. With the departure of Doug Mientkiewicz to the Mets, the Red Sox have now surrendered both players acquired in return for Shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. So at the end of the day, the Red Sox gave up Nomar, for Single A first baseman Ian Bladergroen and the two draft picks received for Orlando Cabrerra. Of course, the Sox gave up two picks wen they signed ER, so basically it boils down to Nomar for Ian…and a World championship. Obviously it’s a good trade in the net, but still Jose wonders, if years from now, he’ll be lamenting the Garciaparra for Bladergroen trade?
No, probably not.
3. So Pedro is signed, Beltran is signed, ER is signed, OC is signed, Pavano is signed, Delgado is signed, Tek is signed, pretty much everyone is signed, so the Hot Stove season is basically gone and yet spring training is still a few weeks away. Everyone knows that this is the slowest part of the baseball calendar, and a distinct phase of the off season completely separate from the Hot Stove season, and yet no one has a name for it. Jose would like to come up with a name for this period.
Jose has heard some people refer to it as the "cool stove" or the "not hot stove" but those don’t really have much zip to them. What we need to do here is dip deeper into the world of metaphor. They call it the hot stove since everything is simmering, bubbles of activity delicately rupturing the seemingly calm surface of the offseason. So what happens at this time of year? Well, the only real baseball activity appears to be invalids like Magglio Ordonez or players who greatly overestimated their own values looking to sign desperate last minute deals. So what might capture that and yet be as snappy and mellifluous as "Hot Stove season?" Since not much is happening and only injured or recycled players are still signing, Jose proposes that the next three weeks be known henceforth as the "Cold Leftovers Season." Peter Gammons can even put pout a CD called "Cold Leftovers, Lukewarm music" It won’t have the really good or popular bands on it, like "Hot Stove, Cool Music" instead it will have bands like Wang Chung and Ratt.
(Note: Jose hates the Cold Leftovers season. He’s got absolutely nothing to work with, as you can probably tell from reading these KEYS. More about the World Series ball? Second guessing the fantastically successful Nomar trade? Coming up with the name Cold Leftovers season? Joking about Ratt? This is not one for the portfolio. Of course, maybe Jose is just grumpy because the huge free agent deal his agent promised him has yet to come to fruition. Jose may be forced to go to the Royals camp as a non-roster blogger and try to earn his way on to their blogger corps and a shot at the league minimum.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.
1. Now that Doug Mientkiewicz is gone from the Red Sox roster and closed captioneers everywhere have been freed from the cruel toil of typing his name at great speed, Jose should probably address the infamous World Series ball situation. Since the situation has now been more or less resolved, with the Red Sox displaying the ball and the ownership of the ball remaining indeterminate for now, it may seem like Jose is as far behind on this issue as Arod on a Curt Euro fastball. But Jose would disagree. Jose thinks he is right on the vanguard of the real issue. The real issue, of course, is who owns all manner of World Series memorabilia.
People act like the ball was the only piece of precious World Series history that might have gone missing. But what happened to the Mientkeiwicz’s glove? What happened to the bases? What happened to Terry Eurona’s score card? And if the Red Sox traded Mientkiewicz to a team where he would be a starter as a reward for agreeing to share the ball (Note: They didn’t, but let’s pretend.) is it not possible, just possible, that they acquired Edgar Renteria in order to get the bat that struck the final out of the World Series?
And what about other items of historical import? What happened to the chalk from the base lines? Was it washed away? Did it disappear up Darryl Strawberry’s nose like so much other white powder before it? What about World Series MVP Manny Ramirez’s Game 4 jock strap? Has anyone even bothered to look into that? Even Jose has not been immune. For the past three weeks, Jose has been getting phone calls from Leisure Suit Larry Lucchnino demanding that Jose hand over the computer he used to write the KEYS to Game 4 of the World Series. Lucchino insists that it doesn’t belong to Jose, it really belongs to the fans, by which he means the Red Sox, and that it should be touring New England, or in the Red Sox museum, not that such a thing exists, rather than in Jose’s frosty tenement apartment. Jose agrees that the computer doesn’t belong to him, but he disagrees about to whom it belongs. Larry says the people own it, Jose says the Melendezette owns it, because she, you know, paid for it. Let’s see the people…the Melendezette…the people…the Melendezette. Hmmm….Sorry Larry, Jose’s beloved "the people" are going to lose out on this one.
2. With the departure of Doug Mientkiewicz to the Mets, the Red Sox have now surrendered both players acquired in return for Shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. So at the end of the day, the Red Sox gave up Nomar, for Single A first baseman Ian Bladergroen and the two draft picks received for Orlando Cabrerra. Of course, the Sox gave up two picks wen they signed ER, so basically it boils down to Nomar for Ian…and a World championship. Obviously it’s a good trade in the net, but still Jose wonders, if years from now, he’ll be lamenting the Garciaparra for Bladergroen trade?
No, probably not.
3. So Pedro is signed, Beltran is signed, ER is signed, OC is signed, Pavano is signed, Delgado is signed, Tek is signed, pretty much everyone is signed, so the Hot Stove season is basically gone and yet spring training is still a few weeks away. Everyone knows that this is the slowest part of the baseball calendar, and a distinct phase of the off season completely separate from the Hot Stove season, and yet no one has a name for it. Jose would like to come up with a name for this period.
Jose has heard some people refer to it as the "cool stove" or the "not hot stove" but those don’t really have much zip to them. What we need to do here is dip deeper into the world of metaphor. They call it the hot stove since everything is simmering, bubbles of activity delicately rupturing the seemingly calm surface of the offseason. So what happens at this time of year? Well, the only real baseball activity appears to be invalids like Magglio Ordonez or players who greatly overestimated their own values looking to sign desperate last minute deals. So what might capture that and yet be as snappy and mellifluous as "Hot Stove season?" Since not much is happening and only injured or recycled players are still signing, Jose proposes that the next three weeks be known henceforth as the "Cold Leftovers Season." Peter Gammons can even put pout a CD called "Cold Leftovers, Lukewarm music" It won’t have the really good or popular bands on it, like "Hot Stove, Cool Music" instead it will have bands like Wang Chung and Ratt.
(Note: Jose hates the Cold Leftovers season. He’s got absolutely nothing to work with, as you can probably tell from reading these KEYS. More about the World Series ball? Second guessing the fantastically successful Nomar trade? Coming up with the name Cold Leftovers season? Joking about Ratt? This is not one for the portfolio. Of course, maybe Jose is just grumpy because the huge free agent deal his agent promised him has yet to come to fruition. Jose may be forced to go to the Royals camp as a non-roster blogger and try to earn his way on to their blogger corps and a shot at the league minimum.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.
Tuesday, January 25
1/25/05 - KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM.
1. One of Jose’s little known hobbies is attempting to get in to the U.S. Foreign Service. Every year he tries, and every year he fails. (Note: By every year, he means two years.) It’s not that Jose is looking to leave his job, he likes his job, it’s just that the examination process takes so long that, he has to get started just in case he decides not to like his job at a future date. This year Jose failed in December, and he’s been meaning to write about it for some time, but, as you know, things came up, the Red Sox signed ER, the WWF introduced a questionable Arab-American stereotype…important issues that could not wait. Also, Jose had to deal with some legal issue before writing about the Foreign Service Exam. Apparently, the "non-disclosure agreement" he signed was "legally binding." Who knew? Needless to say, Jose doesn’t want Condi Rice kicking in his front door. She may be anorexic, but she might still kick Jose’s ass. So Jose will stick scrupulously to the already public information, and honor his agreement completely. Nope, Jose won’t say a thing about the swordsmanship test. Though he does wonder why he had to be naked for it?
2. The Foreign Service Exam is basically divided into two completely separate parts, months apart designed to test one’s fitness for diplomacy, or more likely, whether one conforms strictly to a type. The first part is a written exam taken by about 30,000 people per year. The written exam consists of four sections. There are two essays where one must write a quick commentary in response to a question like "Should children be allowed to carry guns to school?" or "Some say the designated hitter makes baseball more exciting, others say it is a war crime. Pick a side and argue persuasively using good logic and grammar." Nothing too exciting.
The next section is a biographical section where candidates are asked questions like "How many books on foreign cultures have you read in the last year? Name them." Is sounds easy doesn’t it? Bu then there is the little disclaimer that all claims are subject to FBI verification. While this disclaimer is made substantially less frightening by the revelation that the FBI is conducting investigations using old Commodore 64 computers, it still makes one think carefully about whether one read "Coming of Age in Samoa" 12 months ago or 13 months ago before writing it down. (Note: And you know that under the Patriot Act the FBI can get your library records to confirm the date you returned the book. So don’t think they’ll never find out.) The third section is a basic test of English grammar, wherein they give candidates a text with blanks in it and ask which of four options would best fill the blank. For example:
The U.S. and Canada have the world’s longest demilitarized border. This is due to the fact that the two countries _______________ and have extensive trading relations.
share strategic interests
Cher strategic interests
share Stratego interests
share strategic unrest,
Fairly straightforward isn’t it? Jose uses process of elimination to solve questions like this. He knows B is wrong because Celine Dionne is Canada’s diva, not Cher. He know C is wrong because the pieces for Stratego, a military board game, do not have a maple leaf on them. Finally, he knows A is wrong because, as any elementary school student knows, sharing a hat, a comb or strategic interests can all lead to head lice transmission. So by process of elimination, the answer is D "share strategic unrest."
The final section of the written exam is what Jose like to think of as the cocktail party examination or the Trivial Pursuit examination. (Note: Though lamentably no cocktails or plastic pieces of pie, either real or plastic, are provided.) In this section, the State Department asks simple questions about all manner of human endeavor. Some questions are about the U.S. Constitution, others are about geography, management philosophies or world history, and there seems to always be at least one questions about bebop jazz. Needless, to say, as a master of the unimportant, Jose dominates this segment.
It appears to be one of those tests that either one is very good at or very bad at. Jose has passed it twice, and is fairly sure that he could pass it every time if he took it every day for the rest of his life. Other people Jose knows, very bright people, very educated people don’t seem to be able to pass it. But if you can pass it, you are the sort of person the State Department is looking for, and the test seems to know. Jose knows a story of one person who smoked far too much weed and took the written exam every year on the theory that the year he failed the Foreign Service Exam would be the year that he had done enough damage to his brain and would have to quit drugs.
3. The lucky 3,000 or so who pass the written exam receive the honor of going to exotic locales like Washington D.C. or Stamford Connecticut AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE to take the oral examination. This is where Jose has a problem. The Oral exam kicks his ass. The first time he took the test, Jose failed all three sections. Yes, it was perhaps, the biggest whoopin’ of Jose’s life. Jose is use to barely failing to make the grade, not missing by a mile; it was a disorienting experience. This year he was able to pass two of the three sections and come close to passing the test. But here is the trick – passing the test does not secure one a job. No, no! If one barely passes the test, one will almost certainly not get a job. Passing merely gets one on the civil service list. One must score significantly better than the bare minimum passing grade to actually get a job. Let’s put it this way, if Jose takes the Oral exam again, and improves as much from the second to the third time as he did from the first to the second he still wouldn’t get a job. Like Jose said, this test kicks his ass.
But what is the Oral exam? Well, it comes in three sections all designed to identify whether candidates posses the "12 dimensions" of a Foreign Service Officer. The dimensions are characteristics like integrity, composure and written communication and despite their name "dimensions," they have little, if anything, to do with string theory. The first section is a group exercise wherein four or five candidates are brought into a room and each is given a dossier of information on a fictional country like Latveria or Freedonia. Each candidate is given a project in that country and a stack of memos arguing for and against it. Each candidate then presents on his project for five minutes before the group must decide on what projects to fund. Lamentably the projects always seem to have something to do with things like fire engines, jackelope refuges or "food" for the "hungry." Rarely, if ever, do they have anything to do with CIA backed coups or battling Goldfinger.
The second exercise is an administrative exercise wherein one receives the inbox of a new staffer in the same fictional country as in the group exercise. The inbox reveals a whole host of problems to be managed that, frankly, make Jose a little worried about the state of our diplomatic corps. If this exercise is to be believed, every embassy is awash petty rivalries, huge egos and termites…lots and lots of termites.
The final exercise is a structured interview. The interview is divided into two parts. In the first, the two examiners pose hypothetical questions and ask how the candidate would react. Theoretically, the candidate is not actually required to know how an embassy operates. Jose always found this disconcerting. When the questions is something like "Everyone more senior is away on a fact finding mission to a local hog farm, when a tribe of pygmies takes over the government of your host country. What do you do?" Jose always wants to answer, "Well, if Jose had advanced to this level, he likes to think that he would have, you know, TRAINING OF SOME KIND!!!"
The other portion of the structured interview consists of the examiners giving the candidate several of the dimensions and asking him to give examples of times when he has exhibited these characteristics. When they asked Jose how he had exhibited composure in the past, he longed to say "Well, Jose made it through the entire World Series without a single drink without his head exploding. How’s that for composure?" But he resisted. Perhaps he should have gone with his gut, as the structured interview was the only section he failed.
(Note to Condi Rice: See Condi, nothing that violated the agreement there. So please don’t disqualify Jose from future consideration. And if you must, remember you have to buy a copy of the KEYS BOOK to learn Jose’s real name. Umm…not that Jose’ real name isn’t Jose Melendez)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM.
1. One of Jose’s little known hobbies is attempting to get in to the U.S. Foreign Service. Every year he tries, and every year he fails. (Note: By every year, he means two years.) It’s not that Jose is looking to leave his job, he likes his job, it’s just that the examination process takes so long that, he has to get started just in case he decides not to like his job at a future date. This year Jose failed in December, and he’s been meaning to write about it for some time, but, as you know, things came up, the Red Sox signed ER, the WWF introduced a questionable Arab-American stereotype…important issues that could not wait. Also, Jose had to deal with some legal issue before writing about the Foreign Service Exam. Apparently, the "non-disclosure agreement" he signed was "legally binding." Who knew? Needless to say, Jose doesn’t want Condi Rice kicking in his front door. She may be anorexic, but she might still kick Jose’s ass. So Jose will stick scrupulously to the already public information, and honor his agreement completely. Nope, Jose won’t say a thing about the swordsmanship test. Though he does wonder why he had to be naked for it?
2. The Foreign Service Exam is basically divided into two completely separate parts, months apart designed to test one’s fitness for diplomacy, or more likely, whether one conforms strictly to a type. The first part is a written exam taken by about 30,000 people per year. The written exam consists of four sections. There are two essays where one must write a quick commentary in response to a question like "Should children be allowed to carry guns to school?" or "Some say the designated hitter makes baseball more exciting, others say it is a war crime. Pick a side and argue persuasively using good logic and grammar." Nothing too exciting.
The next section is a biographical section where candidates are asked questions like "How many books on foreign cultures have you read in the last year? Name them." Is sounds easy doesn’t it? Bu then there is the little disclaimer that all claims are subject to FBI verification. While this disclaimer is made substantially less frightening by the revelation that the FBI is conducting investigations using old Commodore 64 computers, it still makes one think carefully about whether one read "Coming of Age in Samoa" 12 months ago or 13 months ago before writing it down. (Note: And you know that under the Patriot Act the FBI can get your library records to confirm the date you returned the book. So don’t think they’ll never find out.) The third section is a basic test of English grammar, wherein they give candidates a text with blanks in it and ask which of four options would best fill the blank. For example:
The U.S. and Canada have the world’s longest demilitarized border. This is due to the fact that the two countries _______________ and have extensive trading relations.
share strategic interests
Cher strategic interests
share Stratego interests
share strategic unrest,
Fairly straightforward isn’t it? Jose uses process of elimination to solve questions like this. He knows B is wrong because Celine Dionne is Canada’s diva, not Cher. He know C is wrong because the pieces for Stratego, a military board game, do not have a maple leaf on them. Finally, he knows A is wrong because, as any elementary school student knows, sharing a hat, a comb or strategic interests can all lead to head lice transmission. So by process of elimination, the answer is D "share strategic unrest."
The final section of the written exam is what Jose like to think of as the cocktail party examination or the Trivial Pursuit examination. (Note: Though lamentably no cocktails or plastic pieces of pie, either real or plastic, are provided.) In this section, the State Department asks simple questions about all manner of human endeavor. Some questions are about the U.S. Constitution, others are about geography, management philosophies or world history, and there seems to always be at least one questions about bebop jazz. Needless, to say, as a master of the unimportant, Jose dominates this segment.
It appears to be one of those tests that either one is very good at or very bad at. Jose has passed it twice, and is fairly sure that he could pass it every time if he took it every day for the rest of his life. Other people Jose knows, very bright people, very educated people don’t seem to be able to pass it. But if you can pass it, you are the sort of person the State Department is looking for, and the test seems to know. Jose knows a story of one person who smoked far too much weed and took the written exam every year on the theory that the year he failed the Foreign Service Exam would be the year that he had done enough damage to his brain and would have to quit drugs.
3. The lucky 3,000 or so who pass the written exam receive the honor of going to exotic locales like Washington D.C. or Stamford Connecticut AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE to take the oral examination. This is where Jose has a problem. The Oral exam kicks his ass. The first time he took the test, Jose failed all three sections. Yes, it was perhaps, the biggest whoopin’ of Jose’s life. Jose is use to barely failing to make the grade, not missing by a mile; it was a disorienting experience. This year he was able to pass two of the three sections and come close to passing the test. But here is the trick – passing the test does not secure one a job. No, no! If one barely passes the test, one will almost certainly not get a job. Passing merely gets one on the civil service list. One must score significantly better than the bare minimum passing grade to actually get a job. Let’s put it this way, if Jose takes the Oral exam again, and improves as much from the second to the third time as he did from the first to the second he still wouldn’t get a job. Like Jose said, this test kicks his ass.
But what is the Oral exam? Well, it comes in three sections all designed to identify whether candidates posses the "12 dimensions" of a Foreign Service Officer. The dimensions are characteristics like integrity, composure and written communication and despite their name "dimensions," they have little, if anything, to do with string theory. The first section is a group exercise wherein four or five candidates are brought into a room and each is given a dossier of information on a fictional country like Latveria or Freedonia. Each candidate is given a project in that country and a stack of memos arguing for and against it. Each candidate then presents on his project for five minutes before the group must decide on what projects to fund. Lamentably the projects always seem to have something to do with things like fire engines, jackelope refuges or "food" for the "hungry." Rarely, if ever, do they have anything to do with CIA backed coups or battling Goldfinger.
The second exercise is an administrative exercise wherein one receives the inbox of a new staffer in the same fictional country as in the group exercise. The inbox reveals a whole host of problems to be managed that, frankly, make Jose a little worried about the state of our diplomatic corps. If this exercise is to be believed, every embassy is awash petty rivalries, huge egos and termites…lots and lots of termites.
The final exercise is a structured interview. The interview is divided into two parts. In the first, the two examiners pose hypothetical questions and ask how the candidate would react. Theoretically, the candidate is not actually required to know how an embassy operates. Jose always found this disconcerting. When the questions is something like "Everyone more senior is away on a fact finding mission to a local hog farm, when a tribe of pygmies takes over the government of your host country. What do you do?" Jose always wants to answer, "Well, if Jose had advanced to this level, he likes to think that he would have, you know, TRAINING OF SOME KIND!!!"
The other portion of the structured interview consists of the examiners giving the candidate several of the dimensions and asking him to give examples of times when he has exhibited these characteristics. When they asked Jose how he had exhibited composure in the past, he longed to say "Well, Jose made it through the entire World Series without a single drink without his head exploding. How’s that for composure?" But he resisted. Perhaps he should have gone with his gut, as the structured interview was the only section he failed.
(Note to Condi Rice: See Condi, nothing that violated the agreement there. So please don’t disqualify Jose from future consideration. And if you must, remember you have to buy a copy of the KEYS BOOK to learn Jose’s real name. Umm…not that Jose’ real name isn’t Jose Melendez)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE FOREIGN SERVICE EXAM.
Monday, January 24
1/24/05 - KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE.
1. The snow banks are piled six feet high in Boston’s historic North End and the New England Patriots are headed to the Super Bowl…you know what that means? Yup, it’s time to talk baseball.
It’s not that Jose doesn’t like football, Jose loves football. In fact, it is far easier for him to watch a football game between two teams he doesn’t care about than a baseball game, but two weeks to talk abut one game? Boring. So here are Jose’s options: either he can join the cacophony and spend the next two weeks yammering on and on and on about the big game, or he can delve into baseball’s offseason. And what is there really to talk about for the Super Bowl? Two weeks of “will Terrell Owens play or not” talk? Fun! And what kind of a nickname is “TO” anyway? Would you really want your star player’s nickname to stand for “turnover” or “time out” or “Tomo Okha?” Jose didn’t think so.
So on to baseball. Now that Randy Johnson has signed with the despicable New York Yankees, he needs a suitable nickname. Now “Big Eunuch” is a classic, but it’s been heavily used for Johnson already, and Jose places a premium on originality. When Jose worked at Fenway he saw Johnson walking down the concourse wearing a Beastie Boys T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off, real sophisticated like. It was one of those shirts with a picture of bees + a picture of a cup of tea + a picture some boys hanging around, like a clue from Alex Trebek’s little known other game show “Classic Concentration.” Jose could probably do something with that, but why should Jose do all the work when most of the work has already been done for him.
Reader “Willie Mays Haze” sent Jose the following unsolicited suggestion. “I wanted to suggest ‘Fabio’ for Randy Johnson's SoSH nickname, since they both exploded a bird, and the likeness is uncanny.”
Well, Johnson exploded a bird with a fastball and Fabio exploded a bird by having it fly into his head while he was on a roller coaster, but it both cases the bird exploded from being struck with a dense object at high velocity. Makes sense to Jose. So while Jose cannot dictate SoSH nicknames, he can dictate nicknames here in Melendezville. So from this day forward the Yankees gangly, soon to be bust, will be known as “Fabio Johnson.”
2. You knew that Jose couldn’t go too long without addressing A-Rod’s little fit about Curt Euro didn’t you? The Globe’s Chris Snow caught the Sultan of Slap (Note: Jose knows this nickname belongs to Ichiro, but isn’t it better suited to A-Rod now?) accusing the Sox ace of crying on the bench after his poor ALCS Game 1 performance and of talking incessantly since his Game 6 victory.
Of course, Euro talked incessantly before Game 6 and during Game 6 as well. Jose suspects Euro even talks in his sleep.
Could it be that Euro’s comment that the A-Rod’s slap at Bronson Arroyo was “Bush-League” and that Derek Jeter would never do something like that is still grating on “the greatest player in baseball?”
It was very odd to see the loser criticize the winner for moping and whining. It almost never happens. You see winners criticize losers for complaining or moping all of the time (Note: See Patriots vs. Colts) but rarely the other way round. In fact, the closest analogy Jose can think of is the second Tyson-Holyfield fight. After Mike Tyson was disqualified for twice biting Evander Holyfield’s ears while on the wrong end of a whoopin’, Tyson co-manager John Horne, ripped Holyfield for “jump[ing] around like a little bitch.” Horne ripped the superior fighter for reacting strongly to having a piece of his ear removed en route to a win, and A-Rod rips the superior baseball player for taking a poor performance hard and then calling a foul a foul while on the way to ultimate victory. Yes, Alex Rodriguez, this is the company you now keep. You thought that going to the Yankees would let you walk in eternity with Ruth and Gehrig, and instead you are forever pared with one of the fight game’s dandy conmen. As the old touch football saying goes “winners talk, losers walk.” Start walking jerk.
3. Finally, Jose must say a fond farewell to DLowe The Paranoid Android a.k.a Megatron as he moves to Los Angeles for a contract that is well in excess of his value. Jose is not only sad that the Red Sox lost a player who played such a key role in the postseason, but that the Massachusetts tech economy has lost yet another battle with California. First, the computer industry moves from Boston to California, then the dotcoms go West and now robotics heads to California as well. Jose can only hope that the folks at Cal Tech have better luck keeping DLowe running at peak efficiency than the gang at MIT.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO HOT STOVE.
1. The snow banks are piled six feet high in Boston’s historic North End and the New England Patriots are headed to the Super Bowl…you know what that means? Yup, it’s time to talk baseball.
It’s not that Jose doesn’t like football, Jose loves football. In fact, it is far easier for him to watch a football game between two teams he doesn’t care about than a baseball game, but two weeks to talk abut one game? Boring. So here are Jose’s options: either he can join the cacophony and spend the next two weeks yammering on and on and on about the big game, or he can delve into baseball’s offseason. And what is there really to talk about for the Super Bowl? Two weeks of “will Terrell Owens play or not” talk? Fun! And what kind of a nickname is “TO” anyway? Would you really want your star player’s nickname to stand for “turnover” or “time out” or “Tomo Okha?” Jose didn’t think so.
So on to baseball. Now that Randy Johnson has signed with the despicable New York Yankees, he needs a suitable nickname. Now “Big Eunuch” is a classic, but it’s been heavily used for Johnson already, and Jose places a premium on originality. When Jose worked at Fenway he saw Johnson walking down the concourse wearing a Beastie Boys T-Shirt with the sleeves cut off, real sophisticated like. It was one of those shirts with a picture of bees + a picture of a cup of tea + a picture some boys hanging around, like a clue from Alex Trebek’s little known other game show “Classic Concentration.” Jose could probably do something with that, but why should Jose do all the work when most of the work has already been done for him.
Reader “Willie Mays Haze” sent Jose the following unsolicited suggestion. “I wanted to suggest ‘Fabio’ for Randy Johnson's SoSH nickname, since they both exploded a bird, and the likeness is uncanny.”
Well, Johnson exploded a bird with a fastball and Fabio exploded a bird by having it fly into his head while he was on a roller coaster, but it both cases the bird exploded from being struck with a dense object at high velocity. Makes sense to Jose. So while Jose cannot dictate SoSH nicknames, he can dictate nicknames here in Melendezville. So from this day forward the Yankees gangly, soon to be bust, will be known as “Fabio Johnson.”
2. You knew that Jose couldn’t go too long without addressing A-Rod’s little fit about Curt Euro didn’t you? The Globe’s Chris Snow caught the Sultan of Slap (Note: Jose knows this nickname belongs to Ichiro, but isn’t it better suited to A-Rod now?) accusing the Sox ace of crying on the bench after his poor ALCS Game 1 performance and of talking incessantly since his Game 6 victory.
Of course, Euro talked incessantly before Game 6 and during Game 6 as well. Jose suspects Euro even talks in his sleep.
Could it be that Euro’s comment that the A-Rod’s slap at Bronson Arroyo was “Bush-League” and that Derek Jeter would never do something like that is still grating on “the greatest player in baseball?”
It was very odd to see the loser criticize the winner for moping and whining. It almost never happens. You see winners criticize losers for complaining or moping all of the time (Note: See Patriots vs. Colts) but rarely the other way round. In fact, the closest analogy Jose can think of is the second Tyson-Holyfield fight. After Mike Tyson was disqualified for twice biting Evander Holyfield’s ears while on the wrong end of a whoopin’, Tyson co-manager John Horne, ripped Holyfield for “jump[ing] around like a little bitch.” Horne ripped the superior fighter for reacting strongly to having a piece of his ear removed en route to a win, and A-Rod rips the superior baseball player for taking a poor performance hard and then calling a foul a foul while on the way to ultimate victory. Yes, Alex Rodriguez, this is the company you now keep. You thought that going to the Yankees would let you walk in eternity with Ruth and Gehrig, and instead you are forever pared with one of the fight game’s dandy conmen. As the old touch football saying goes “winners talk, losers walk.” Start walking jerk.
3. Finally, Jose must say a fond farewell to DLowe The Paranoid Android a.k.a Megatron as he moves to Los Angeles for a contract that is well in excess of his value. Jose is not only sad that the Red Sox lost a player who played such a key role in the postseason, but that the Massachusetts tech economy has lost yet another battle with California. First, the computer industry moves from Boston to California, then the dotcoms go West and now robotics heads to California as well. Jose can only hope that the folks at Cal Tech have better luck keeping DLowe running at peak efficiency than the gang at MIT.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO HOT STOVE.
Friday, January 21
1/21/05 - KEYS TO ASPEN
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO ASPEN.
1. It’s been 17 days since Jose last posted. That’s right…count ‘em…17 days. That’s almost as long as Tony Castrati’s midseason disappearance. Speculation has been rampant about Jose’s whereabouts. Has he been secretly negotiating to bring Carlos Delgado to the Red Sox? Had he been kidnapped by a street gang and made to write KEYS for a member felled by a gunshot wound? Had Tony Castrati simply had enough and taken Jose on one of those dreaded “Boston Herald Cab Rides?” While all of those theories may be technically true, they are less technically true than the theory that Jose was on his first real vacation in 11 months, to Aspen, Colorado.
Now, Jose knows what a lot of you are thinking. “Wait a second Jose. Isn’t Aspen mostly a playground for the rich, how could you, a mere non-profit project manager and unpaid blogger, possibly afford to go there?”
Fantastic question!!! Next time you should ask it rather than just thinking it, and speak up more in class as well.
The answer, of course is that Jose sold so many copies of the KEYS book that he is now able to live in a style more suited to a man of his tastes and refinements. Jose used to eat crawfish, now he eats lobster; he used to drink Andre pink champagne, now he drinks Crystal(ino); he used to ski at Nashoba Valley, now he skis at Aspen Mountain. And his home? Well, you’ll see it on MTV Cribs soon enough, but suffice it to say, he has one room with wall to wall carpeting, and another with the finest linoleum. That’s right TWO ROOMS. Take that you studio apartment suckers.
“But, Jose,” you must be thinking now. “Why Aspen? A man of your wealth and refinement could easily take his vacations in the Netherlands Antilles with Ted DiBiase. Why go to the mountains rather than the beach?”
Outstanding question!!!
As you know, Jose never travels strictly for pleasure, he is far too important to simply put business on hold for two weeks. Jose did indeed go to Aspen for a reason, the only reason anyone goes to Aspen— to subvert the new Major League steroid testing regime. Jose has been honest about his use of the substances known as “the cream” and “the clear” during the previous season, secure in the knowledge that nothing he did was forbidden at the time. But now? Now, Major League Baseball has a (more) real steroid testing policy, a first offense could earn Jose a 10 game suspension (Note: Long enough to take another vacation…hmmmmm) and to be frank, Jose is not sure he can make it through a 162 game season without some performance enhancement. Do you think it’s easy to write on a Saturday morning with a hangover without enhancement? It is not.
So Jose went to Aspen for six days of skiing and seven nights of autologous blood donation. Jose is certain that when the Sox need that extra boost next season, those super oxygenated pints will fit nicely into Jose’s arteries. Also, each time he donated he got free juice and cookies, which is about all he could afford for a meal in Aspen.
2. Everyone in Aspen has a cause. Some of the beautiful people who frolic there want to save the rain forests, other want to free Tibet, and still others want to reunite the Smiths…worthy causes one and all. And it made Jose think…shouldn’t Jose adopt a cause as his own? Shouldn’t Jose lend the burning spotlight of his celebrity to some worthy cause, and in turn enjoy the gentle glow of decency that such activity imbues? And Aspen offered so many good ideas for causes: an increase in the Colorado luxury tax, a ban on fur trapping (Note: Or alternatively an increase in fur trapping, but allowing those wearing furs to be trapped as well…it’s not that Jose’s an animal rights nut, he just dislikes decadence.), or even increased funding for snow plowing. There are so many good ideas, and so many people need Jose’s help, but frankly all of them were a little bit too controversial for Jose. Instead, Jose has decided to take a firm and unequivocal position in opposition to foot binding. JOSE WILL NEVER AGAIN TOLERATE THE BARBARIC AND SENSELESS BINDING OF FEET!!!! And if Jose loses a reader or two in 19th century China due to his boldness, so be it.
You see, foot binding has affected Jose personally. On his first day in Aspen, Jose put on his brand new ski boots from REI and found they were a bit uncomfortable, but Jose is no pansy, he wasn’t going to complain, he was going to be a man and ski with them. Needless, to say, by the end of the day Jose was in excruciating pain, was whining constantly to the Melendezette and anyone else who would listen and had ensured that at least one toenail will be falling off soon. (Note: Actually, this is an annual tradition for Jose. He goes skiing and then six weeks later a toenail falls off, it’s like the Groundhog seeing his shadow.) It turns out that REI had given him the incorrect boots and that these were two sizes too small. REI Fed Exd the correct boots shortly thereafter, but not before Jose had learned an important lesson—small feet may be pretty, but foot binding is wrong…very, very wrong, and Jose urges you to join him in his courageous stand against it.
3. There was one genuinely unsettling aspect to the trip. (Note: Okay two, but Jose isn’t going to discuss the people selling bull semen at the National Western Stock Show in Denver.) The first night Jose was in Aspen, there was apparently some sort of violent crime in the condo immediately next door to the one he and his friends were staying in. Jose doesn’t know what it was except to say that a woman was screaming obscenities at 4 AM (Note: Though Jose has to take this information from others, he slept through the shouting, just as he does with car alarms, jack hammers, and light weapons fire.), the police came and arrested the residents of the condo and there was a box of latex gloves outside of the door the next day.
In possibly unrelated news, the next day the Aspen Free Press reported that O.J. Simpson was in Aspen. Really.
(Note: Jose knows that it is wrong to use a crime for blog fodder, but the O.J. joke was just too easy.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO ASPEN.
1. It’s been 17 days since Jose last posted. That’s right…count ‘em…17 days. That’s almost as long as Tony Castrati’s midseason disappearance. Speculation has been rampant about Jose’s whereabouts. Has he been secretly negotiating to bring Carlos Delgado to the Red Sox? Had he been kidnapped by a street gang and made to write KEYS for a member felled by a gunshot wound? Had Tony Castrati simply had enough and taken Jose on one of those dreaded “Boston Herald Cab Rides?” While all of those theories may be technically true, they are less technically true than the theory that Jose was on his first real vacation in 11 months, to Aspen, Colorado.
Now, Jose knows what a lot of you are thinking. “Wait a second Jose. Isn’t Aspen mostly a playground for the rich, how could you, a mere non-profit project manager and unpaid blogger, possibly afford to go there?”
Fantastic question!!! Next time you should ask it rather than just thinking it, and speak up more in class as well.
The answer, of course is that Jose sold so many copies of the KEYS book that he is now able to live in a style more suited to a man of his tastes and refinements. Jose used to eat crawfish, now he eats lobster; he used to drink Andre pink champagne, now he drinks Crystal(ino); he used to ski at Nashoba Valley, now he skis at Aspen Mountain. And his home? Well, you’ll see it on MTV Cribs soon enough, but suffice it to say, he has one room with wall to wall carpeting, and another with the finest linoleum. That’s right TWO ROOMS. Take that you studio apartment suckers.
“But, Jose,” you must be thinking now. “Why Aspen? A man of your wealth and refinement could easily take his vacations in the Netherlands Antilles with Ted DiBiase. Why go to the mountains rather than the beach?”
Outstanding question!!!
As you know, Jose never travels strictly for pleasure, he is far too important to simply put business on hold for two weeks. Jose did indeed go to Aspen for a reason, the only reason anyone goes to Aspen— to subvert the new Major League steroid testing regime. Jose has been honest about his use of the substances known as “the cream” and “the clear” during the previous season, secure in the knowledge that nothing he did was forbidden at the time. But now? Now, Major League Baseball has a (more) real steroid testing policy, a first offense could earn Jose a 10 game suspension (Note: Long enough to take another vacation…hmmmmm) and to be frank, Jose is not sure he can make it through a 162 game season without some performance enhancement. Do you think it’s easy to write on a Saturday morning with a hangover without enhancement? It is not.
So Jose went to Aspen for six days of skiing and seven nights of autologous blood donation. Jose is certain that when the Sox need that extra boost next season, those super oxygenated pints will fit nicely into Jose’s arteries. Also, each time he donated he got free juice and cookies, which is about all he could afford for a meal in Aspen.
2. Everyone in Aspen has a cause. Some of the beautiful people who frolic there want to save the rain forests, other want to free Tibet, and still others want to reunite the Smiths…worthy causes one and all. And it made Jose think…shouldn’t Jose adopt a cause as his own? Shouldn’t Jose lend the burning spotlight of his celebrity to some worthy cause, and in turn enjoy the gentle glow of decency that such activity imbues? And Aspen offered so many good ideas for causes: an increase in the Colorado luxury tax, a ban on fur trapping (Note: Or alternatively an increase in fur trapping, but allowing those wearing furs to be trapped as well…it’s not that Jose’s an animal rights nut, he just dislikes decadence.), or even increased funding for snow plowing. There are so many good ideas, and so many people need Jose’s help, but frankly all of them were a little bit too controversial for Jose. Instead, Jose has decided to take a firm and unequivocal position in opposition to foot binding. JOSE WILL NEVER AGAIN TOLERATE THE BARBARIC AND SENSELESS BINDING OF FEET!!!! And if Jose loses a reader or two in 19th century China due to his boldness, so be it.
You see, foot binding has affected Jose personally. On his first day in Aspen, Jose put on his brand new ski boots from REI and found they were a bit uncomfortable, but Jose is no pansy, he wasn’t going to complain, he was going to be a man and ski with them. Needless, to say, by the end of the day Jose was in excruciating pain, was whining constantly to the Melendezette and anyone else who would listen and had ensured that at least one toenail will be falling off soon. (Note: Actually, this is an annual tradition for Jose. He goes skiing and then six weeks later a toenail falls off, it’s like the Groundhog seeing his shadow.) It turns out that REI had given him the incorrect boots and that these were two sizes too small. REI Fed Exd the correct boots shortly thereafter, but not before Jose had learned an important lesson—small feet may be pretty, but foot binding is wrong…very, very wrong, and Jose urges you to join him in his courageous stand against it.
3. There was one genuinely unsettling aspect to the trip. (Note: Okay two, but Jose isn’t going to discuss the people selling bull semen at the National Western Stock Show in Denver.) The first night Jose was in Aspen, there was apparently some sort of violent crime in the condo immediately next door to the one he and his friends were staying in. Jose doesn’t know what it was except to say that a woman was screaming obscenities at 4 AM (Note: Though Jose has to take this information from others, he slept through the shouting, just as he does with car alarms, jack hammers, and light weapons fire.), the police came and arrested the residents of the condo and there was a box of latex gloves outside of the door the next day.
In possibly unrelated news, the next day the Aspen Free Press reported that O.J. Simpson was in Aspen. Really.
(Note: Jose knows that it is wrong to use a crime for blog fodder, but the O.J. joke was just too easy.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO ASPEN.
Tuesday, January 4
1/4/05 KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
1. Wait…don’t go. Please. Don’t just see that the theme for today’s KEYS is wrestling and just give up on them. Jose knows that professional wrestling is low-brow entertainment with limited appeal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have anything important to say about American society. In fact, it offers important information on how we feel about "candy asses," zombies and scantily clad women. Actually, today’s KEYS isn’t really about wrestling at all. (Note: This KEYS is about wrestling). It’s really about social justice.
2. Wrestling has a rich history of ethnic and racial stereotyping. Until the end of the cold war, Russian wrestlers were all brutal Stalinists. Long after World War II had ended, Japanese wrestlers were still sneaky. And Iranian Olympic Bronze medalist the Iron Sheik, emerged shortly after the hostage crisis and became perhaps the most evil man in all of wrestling. Hell, there were even evil New Zealanders named the Sheepherders who hated Americans for taking their family farms. (Note: Later known as the lovable Bushwhackers.) But all of these wrestling characters had something in common. They hated the U.S. and wanted bad things to happen to us. Yes it was low brow, and stoked jingoism and perhaps even bigotry, but at least it was this odd sort of morality play where we hated them because they wanted to destroy our country. (Note: Or pretended to anyway.) Today, it is different.
Following September 11, a lot of wrestling fans hoped that the WWF (Note: Jose will never call it the WWE. Screw the World Wildlife Fund.) would not cynically use a national tragedy to advance story lines. After all, during the Gulf War, GI Joe hero Sgt. Slaughter became an Iraqi sympathizer (along with the Iron Sheik, who somehow went from being Iranian to Iraqi.) Eventually, Sarge was allowed to be an American again rather than face treason charges. Go figure.
Jose tends to expect the worst from wrestling, but was pleasantly surprised when the WWF did not work 9-11 or war angles. An episode of Smackdown (Note: Jose thinks) was one of the first public events after 9-11 and featured wrestlers breaking character and talking about their feelings and U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist leading the pledge of allegiance. It probably shouldn’t have been canceled, but it wasn’t offensive or exploitative and it was honest.
Needless to say, this exercise it good taste couldn’t continue forever. Recently, the WWF has introduced an Arab-American wrestler named Muhammed Hassan and an Arab manager, Daivari. In an earlier time Hassan’s gimmick would have been that he was an evil Arab who is sympathetic to Al-Qaeda and wants to destroy the U.S. That would have been very, very bad…it would have been horrible. This is worse.
Hassan doesn’t want to destroy America, he’s not from Saudi Arabia or Iraq, he’s from Michigan, and his complaint is that he is stereotyped and persecuted for being an Arab-American. So rather than being hated, because he wants to destroy us. He is hated because he wants to be one of us. He is hated because he has the gall to suggest that Arab-Americans are as American as anyone else, and should not have their civil rights constrained.
Hell, he even brings data to the table. In what Jose is sure is a first for pro-wrestling, Hassan urged fans to go to http://news.cornell.edu to look at a survey saying that 44 percent of Americans believe the U.S. government should curtail some civil liberties for Muslims. Can you imagine Hulk Hogan urging fans to look at a Princeton study indicating that 25 percent of the population suffered from Hulkamania while only 15 percent was afflicted by Macho Madness?
This is really bad. This is as bad as it would have been if the famed Midsouth wrestling association where Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman feuded had developed an African-American character in the 60s who was hated because he demanded the write to vote or desegregation. (Note: Of course the WWF, has a nation of Islam knockoff complete with a bow tied manager called the "Nation of Domination," not much better."
All of this is especially terrible in light of the fact that the WWF does morale tours for the troops in Iraq. Can you imagine the reaction if the Iraqi Wrestling Federation had an American character who went out and talked about how great torturing Arabs at Abu Gharib was. Fox News and Drudge would be all over it.
3. What Jose would like to see is an increase in the number of instances where professional wrestling supports social justice. One of the few good examples is Col. DeBeers. DeBeers was one of the most hated wrestlers in the old American Wrestling Association because his gimmick was that he was a bigoted, pro-apartheid South African wrestler. Sometimes he would even refuse to wrestle black opponents. Jose remembers him going on vicious, bigoted rants about blacks and AIDS as fans poured garbage down on him. It was refreshing to see stereotypes being put to good use.
But what Jose especially liked about this loathsome character was that he used took the name of South Africa’s despicable DeBeers diamond cartel. Jose really, really hates the cartel. Not only has it supported apartheid, fueled diamond wars around the world and driven up the price of a relatively plentiful commodity, it invented the idea that an engagement ring should cost two months salary out of thin air. That’s right. They made it up.
"How else can two months salary last forever?" Hellooooo….international star registry.
But their marketing is so good, that they have actually convinced people that this is some long standing tradition. In fact, they almost convinced Jose that if he ever wanted to get engaged, he should quit his job and find something for minimum wage for a couple of months just to bring the cost down. Okay, so maybe the Col. DeBeers gimmick didn’t bring down apartheid or break up the cartel, but at least it made a few more people aware that there was something bad going on in the world. Jose wants to see more of this. In fact, next week on WWF RAW, Jose demands to see a new character named "The Million Dollar Man" George Steinbrenner.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
1. Wait…don’t go. Please. Don’t just see that the theme for today’s KEYS is wrestling and just give up on them. Jose knows that professional wrestling is low-brow entertainment with limited appeal, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have anything important to say about American society. In fact, it offers important information on how we feel about "candy asses," zombies and scantily clad women. Actually, today’s KEYS isn’t really about wrestling at all. (Note: This KEYS is about wrestling). It’s really about social justice.
2. Wrestling has a rich history of ethnic and racial stereotyping. Until the end of the cold war, Russian wrestlers were all brutal Stalinists. Long after World War II had ended, Japanese wrestlers were still sneaky. And Iranian Olympic Bronze medalist the Iron Sheik, emerged shortly after the hostage crisis and became perhaps the most evil man in all of wrestling. Hell, there were even evil New Zealanders named the Sheepherders who hated Americans for taking their family farms. (Note: Later known as the lovable Bushwhackers.) But all of these wrestling characters had something in common. They hated the U.S. and wanted bad things to happen to us. Yes it was low brow, and stoked jingoism and perhaps even bigotry, but at least it was this odd sort of morality play where we hated them because they wanted to destroy our country. (Note: Or pretended to anyway.) Today, it is different.
Following September 11, a lot of wrestling fans hoped that the WWF (Note: Jose will never call it the WWE. Screw the World Wildlife Fund.) would not cynically use a national tragedy to advance story lines. After all, during the Gulf War, GI Joe hero Sgt. Slaughter became an Iraqi sympathizer (along with the Iron Sheik, who somehow went from being Iranian to Iraqi.) Eventually, Sarge was allowed to be an American again rather than face treason charges. Go figure.
Jose tends to expect the worst from wrestling, but was pleasantly surprised when the WWF did not work 9-11 or war angles. An episode of Smackdown (Note: Jose thinks) was one of the first public events after 9-11 and featured wrestlers breaking character and talking about their feelings and U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist leading the pledge of allegiance. It probably shouldn’t have been canceled, but it wasn’t offensive or exploitative and it was honest.
Needless to say, this exercise it good taste couldn’t continue forever. Recently, the WWF has introduced an Arab-American wrestler named Muhammed Hassan and an Arab manager, Daivari. In an earlier time Hassan’s gimmick would have been that he was an evil Arab who is sympathetic to Al-Qaeda and wants to destroy the U.S. That would have been very, very bad…it would have been horrible. This is worse.
Hassan doesn’t want to destroy America, he’s not from Saudi Arabia or Iraq, he’s from Michigan, and his complaint is that he is stereotyped and persecuted for being an Arab-American. So rather than being hated, because he wants to destroy us. He is hated because he wants to be one of us. He is hated because he has the gall to suggest that Arab-Americans are as American as anyone else, and should not have their civil rights constrained.
Hell, he even brings data to the table. In what Jose is sure is a first for pro-wrestling, Hassan urged fans to go to http://news.cornell.edu to look at a survey saying that 44 percent of Americans believe the U.S. government should curtail some civil liberties for Muslims. Can you imagine Hulk Hogan urging fans to look at a Princeton study indicating that 25 percent of the population suffered from Hulkamania while only 15 percent was afflicted by Macho Madness?
This is really bad. This is as bad as it would have been if the famed Midsouth wrestling association where Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman feuded had developed an African-American character in the 60s who was hated because he demanded the write to vote or desegregation. (Note: Of course the WWF, has a nation of Islam knockoff complete with a bow tied manager called the "Nation of Domination," not much better."
All of this is especially terrible in light of the fact that the WWF does morale tours for the troops in Iraq. Can you imagine the reaction if the Iraqi Wrestling Federation had an American character who went out and talked about how great torturing Arabs at Abu Gharib was. Fox News and Drudge would be all over it.
3. What Jose would like to see is an increase in the number of instances where professional wrestling supports social justice. One of the few good examples is Col. DeBeers. DeBeers was one of the most hated wrestlers in the old American Wrestling Association because his gimmick was that he was a bigoted, pro-apartheid South African wrestler. Sometimes he would even refuse to wrestle black opponents. Jose remembers him going on vicious, bigoted rants about blacks and AIDS as fans poured garbage down on him. It was refreshing to see stereotypes being put to good use.
But what Jose especially liked about this loathsome character was that he used took the name of South Africa’s despicable DeBeers diamond cartel. Jose really, really hates the cartel. Not only has it supported apartheid, fueled diamond wars around the world and driven up the price of a relatively plentiful commodity, it invented the idea that an engagement ring should cost two months salary out of thin air. That’s right. They made it up.
"How else can two months salary last forever?" Hellooooo….international star registry.
But their marketing is so good, that they have actually convinced people that this is some long standing tradition. In fact, they almost convinced Jose that if he ever wanted to get engaged, he should quit his job and find something for minimum wage for a couple of months just to bring the cost down. Okay, so maybe the Col. DeBeers gimmick didn’t bring down apartheid or break up the cartel, but at least it made a few more people aware that there was something bad going on in the world. Jose wants to see more of this. In fact, next week on WWF RAW, Jose demands to see a new character named "The Million Dollar Man" George Steinbrenner.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING.
Sunday, January 2
1/2/05 KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS.
1. Jose’s original plan was for today’s KEYS to focus entirely on making some New Year’s resolutions, but as Al Gore once said, "The situation has changed." After reading Bob Hohler’s excellent piece on Terry Eurona’s management of clubhouse strife in 2004, it would be irresponsible of Jose not to comment. For Jose to refrain from commenting on this piece would be like Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino refraining from kicking a player on his way out the door. Improbable, but most likely a good idea.
Yes, Jose will still bring you two, count ‘em two KEYS full of resolutions, but breaking news comes first. And besides, Jose can’t possibly watch today’s miserable Patriots match up without doing something else.
The gist of the story is that Terry Eurona received all manner of resistance and disrespect from his players in 2004. Yet he managed to win them over and keep the club together by aggressively managing players inside the clubhouse while publicly taking personal responsibility for their misdeeds. The story looks at three specific instances: Pedro’s early departure on opening day, Manny’s anger at being put on waivers, and Nomar’s decision to sit out against the Yankees.
This approach of "keeping it in the clubhouse" worked so well, that the Red Sox, apparently, had no choice but to go to Bob Hohler after the season and expose every issue that was handled in clubhouse. Makes sense to Jose. How does Jose know that Red Sox management was the source for the story? Well, who else would it be? John W. Henry, Leisure Suit Larry and Terry Eurona are the only people quoted in the piece and they are the only ones, presumably with anything to gain.
So here is where we stand now. Pedro is gone and said some awfully mean things on his way out, so exposing his petulance is fair game, if not a bit childish. Nomar is gone too, so not too much harm done, though parting shots seem petty. But Manny? Manny, when last Jose checked, is still on this team, and Manny was, with the exception of one borderline injury, a model citizen. So you tell the whole world that he was furious at the team at the beginning of the season for attempting to deal him. And this is after spending several weeks trying to trade him to the Mets. Now Manny knows that the team would still like to be rid of his contract and that either way management is going to let the press know about a fight nine months ago. Needless to say, he must be delighted with his situation for next year.
Jose’s point is that if the key to success was keeping these disputes in the clubhouse, then why not continue to keep them in the clubhouse? Of course, if Jose had been manager all three situations would have been handled differently.
THE SITUATAION: Pedro leaves Camden Yards before the game was over during the opening day loss.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: Challenge Pedro privately while publicly stating that the reason Pedro left was that the rules had not been explained to him.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Jose is a little more passive aggressive, so he wouldn’t have confronted Pedro directly. Instead, he would have taught him an object lesson. The next time Pedro started, Jose would have left the game himself after six innings, thus leaving Pedro in to pitch the rest of the game regardless of his fatigue level. That would teach Pedro that there are consequences when someone leaves the team early. What? Grady Little already tried that?
THE SITUATION: After asking not to play against the Yankees, Nomar asks in late in the 13 inning classic.
EURONA’S RESPONSE: He refused to let Nomar in, but publicly said it was due to his injury.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Ummm…Jose would have let Nomar hit. As he recalls, Little Cesar Crespo got an At Bat in extra innings. That should never ever happen. Never. Not even if Eurona had to give the At Bat to Craig Grebek himself.
THE SITUATION: Manny lashes out at Eurona at the start of spring training.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: He let Manny vent and kept it in the clubhouse.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: No dessert for Manny at the next post-game buffet, while making a big point of eating several desserts in front of Manny.
Clearly, Eurona’s approach worked, that’s why he’s the manager and Jose is just a guy who knows how to do everything better despite not having so much as a day of little league experience.
3. As promised, Jose has a few New Year’s resolutions to make:
A. Jose resolves to be meaner to the media. This worked so well for Jose last year. He started a feud with Eric Kneel and got a chirpy, stupid little response from Chris Rattey at boston.com. Good publicity, good times. Still, Jose has yet to successfully bait Tony Castrati into a feud. He must redouble his efforts.
Jose resolves to come up with nicknames for David Wells, Manny Ramirez and Alan Embree. (Note: Boomer is a stupid nickname for Wells. Jose will NOT use it.) Jose was going to add Wade Miller to the list, but he got a head start on the year, and already got one for him. Since Bill Mueller is already known as "Umlaut," for the u with two dots that the ue in his name represents, Wade Miller will be "Ohne Umlaut" or "Ohne" for short, since he has the true American version of Miller, which requires no strange foreign marks.
Jose resolves to expand KEYS merchandise sales in to higher end items like commemorative plates, decorative spoons and velvet paintings. (Note: With apologies to Sideshow Bob’s marketing plan.)
Will Jose actually do these things? Well, no. Of course not. They’re New Year’s resolutions for pete’s sake.
3. Finally, Jose will offer a few resolutions he would like to see some Red Sox, ex-Red Sox and a few hated enemies make. Jose knows it’s a tired device, but material is material.
David Wells— Eat less and exercise more.
Keith Foulke – Step in and settle the hockey lockout. He’s got to be missing his favorite sport.
Curt Euro – Even though everyone loves hearing what he has to say, learn that every once in a while, not often, just occasionally, it is a good idea to keep one’s mouth shut.
Pedro Martinez – To pitch absolutely brilliantly…when the Mets face the Yankees.
Dave Roberts – To get as many free beers as possible from Red Sox fans…you earned it.
Mosey Nixon – To buy a plane ticket to spring training. No injury inducing car rides for you.
Manny Ramirez – To keep proving the Red Sox every time they try to get rid of you.
David Ortiz – To start watching Lost or Arrested Development regularly. (Note: No Friends reruns.)
Jason Varitek – To punch A-Rod in the face again when you have the chance.
Larry Lucchino – To occasionally let an opportunity to screw someone slide.
Alex Rodriguez – To have a doctor look at those blue lips. That seems like a sign of frostbite to Jose, and you'd look moderately stranger with no lips.
Jason Giambi – To decline a buyout from the Yankees. You thought being a Yankee meant doing anything it takes, you did, they should pay.
George Steinbrenner – To reacquire Mel Hall and Jessie Barfield to round out the outfield.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS.
1. Jose’s original plan was for today’s KEYS to focus entirely on making some New Year’s resolutions, but as Al Gore once said, "The situation has changed." After reading Bob Hohler’s excellent piece on Terry Eurona’s management of clubhouse strife in 2004, it would be irresponsible of Jose not to comment. For Jose to refrain from commenting on this piece would be like Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino refraining from kicking a player on his way out the door. Improbable, but most likely a good idea.
Yes, Jose will still bring you two, count ‘em two KEYS full of resolutions, but breaking news comes first. And besides, Jose can’t possibly watch today’s miserable Patriots match up without doing something else.
The gist of the story is that Terry Eurona received all manner of resistance and disrespect from his players in 2004. Yet he managed to win them over and keep the club together by aggressively managing players inside the clubhouse while publicly taking personal responsibility for their misdeeds. The story looks at three specific instances: Pedro’s early departure on opening day, Manny’s anger at being put on waivers, and Nomar’s decision to sit out against the Yankees.
This approach of "keeping it in the clubhouse" worked so well, that the Red Sox, apparently, had no choice but to go to Bob Hohler after the season and expose every issue that was handled in clubhouse. Makes sense to Jose. How does Jose know that Red Sox management was the source for the story? Well, who else would it be? John W. Henry, Leisure Suit Larry and Terry Eurona are the only people quoted in the piece and they are the only ones, presumably with anything to gain.
So here is where we stand now. Pedro is gone and said some awfully mean things on his way out, so exposing his petulance is fair game, if not a bit childish. Nomar is gone too, so not too much harm done, though parting shots seem petty. But Manny? Manny, when last Jose checked, is still on this team, and Manny was, with the exception of one borderline injury, a model citizen. So you tell the whole world that he was furious at the team at the beginning of the season for attempting to deal him. And this is after spending several weeks trying to trade him to the Mets. Now Manny knows that the team would still like to be rid of his contract and that either way management is going to let the press know about a fight nine months ago. Needless to say, he must be delighted with his situation for next year.
Jose’s point is that if the key to success was keeping these disputes in the clubhouse, then why not continue to keep them in the clubhouse? Of course, if Jose had been manager all three situations would have been handled differently.
THE SITUATAION: Pedro leaves Camden Yards before the game was over during the opening day loss.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: Challenge Pedro privately while publicly stating that the reason Pedro left was that the rules had not been explained to him.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Jose is a little more passive aggressive, so he wouldn’t have confronted Pedro directly. Instead, he would have taught him an object lesson. The next time Pedro started, Jose would have left the game himself after six innings, thus leaving Pedro in to pitch the rest of the game regardless of his fatigue level. That would teach Pedro that there are consequences when someone leaves the team early. What? Grady Little already tried that?
THE SITUATION: After asking not to play against the Yankees, Nomar asks in late in the 13 inning classic.
EURONA’S RESPONSE: He refused to let Nomar in, but publicly said it was due to his injury.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: Ummm…Jose would have let Nomar hit. As he recalls, Little Cesar Crespo got an At Bat in extra innings. That should never ever happen. Never. Not even if Eurona had to give the At Bat to Craig Grebek himself.
THE SITUATION: Manny lashes out at Eurona at the start of spring training.
EURONA’s RESPONSE: He let Manny vent and kept it in the clubhouse.
JOSE’S ALTERNATIVE: No dessert for Manny at the next post-game buffet, while making a big point of eating several desserts in front of Manny.
Clearly, Eurona’s approach worked, that’s why he’s the manager and Jose is just a guy who knows how to do everything better despite not having so much as a day of little league experience.
3. As promised, Jose has a few New Year’s resolutions to make:
A. Jose resolves to be meaner to the media. This worked so well for Jose last year. He started a feud with Eric Kneel and got a chirpy, stupid little response from Chris Rattey at boston.com. Good publicity, good times. Still, Jose has yet to successfully bait Tony Castrati into a feud. He must redouble his efforts.
Jose resolves to come up with nicknames for David Wells, Manny Ramirez and Alan Embree. (Note: Boomer is a stupid nickname for Wells. Jose will NOT use it.) Jose was going to add Wade Miller to the list, but he got a head start on the year, and already got one for him. Since Bill Mueller is already known as "Umlaut," for the u with two dots that the ue in his name represents, Wade Miller will be "Ohne Umlaut" or "Ohne" for short, since he has the true American version of Miller, which requires no strange foreign marks.
Jose resolves to expand KEYS merchandise sales in to higher end items like commemorative plates, decorative spoons and velvet paintings. (Note: With apologies to Sideshow Bob’s marketing plan.)
Will Jose actually do these things? Well, no. Of course not. They’re New Year’s resolutions for pete’s sake.
3. Finally, Jose will offer a few resolutions he would like to see some Red Sox, ex-Red Sox and a few hated enemies make. Jose knows it’s a tired device, but material is material.
David Wells— Eat less and exercise more.
Keith Foulke – Step in and settle the hockey lockout. He’s got to be missing his favorite sport.
Curt Euro – Even though everyone loves hearing what he has to say, learn that every once in a while, not often, just occasionally, it is a good idea to keep one’s mouth shut.
Pedro Martinez – To pitch absolutely brilliantly…when the Mets face the Yankees.
Dave Roberts – To get as many free beers as possible from Red Sox fans…you earned it.
Mosey Nixon – To buy a plane ticket to spring training. No injury inducing car rides for you.
Manny Ramirez – To keep proving the Red Sox every time they try to get rid of you.
David Ortiz – To start watching Lost or Arrested Development regularly. (Note: No Friends reruns.)
Jason Varitek – To punch A-Rod in the face again when you have the chance.
Larry Lucchino – To occasionally let an opportunity to screw someone slide.
Alex Rodriguez – To have a doctor look at those blue lips. That seems like a sign of frostbite to Jose, and you'd look moderately stranger with no lips.
Jason Giambi – To decline a buyout from the Yankees. You thought being a Yankee meant doing anything it takes, you did, they should pay.
George Steinbrenner – To reacquire Mel Hall and Jessie Barfield to round out the outfield.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE RESOLUTIONS.
Thursday, December 30
12-30-04 KEYS TO NEW YEAR'S
BUY THE KEYS 2004 BOOK -- LAST CHANCE BEFORE IT BECOMES OUTDATED
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.
1. Hello and welcome to Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE. Jose is coming to you live from Circle Gets the Square in Melendezville where tens if not scores of people have gathered to watch the baseball drop, sip Andre "pink champagne" or Mr. Boston vodka from carefully concealed flasks, hang from street lights, and smash shop windows. Yes, whether you’re an alcoholic or merely a hoodlum, there’s something for everyone here, and that’s what keeps ‘em coming year after year.
Jose will be with you all through the night as we celebrate the new year here in Melendezville and across these United States. Once midnight has passed here, we’ll send you to celebrations live from Akron, Ohio; Winter Park, Colorado and Bakersfield, California so you can enjoy the best parties from every major time zone.
And we’ll be bringing you the hottest in music and entertainment. The Bangles are in the hoooouussssseeeee. And, get this, Billy Ocean is here!!! And if that’s not a enough, we might even have a special guest. And Jose’s not saying it is The Cowsills, but he’s not saying it isn’t either.
Now let’s kick off the party with a look at 2004 the year that was.
2. By any reckoning 2004, was a spectacular year for the city of Boston. The Patriots won the Super Bowl, The RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES, the Democratic National Convention went swimingly and Boston Rob finished second on Survivor All-Stars, but still married his way into a share of the winner’s purse. Actually, screw this. We all know what happened in 2004. We were there, it wasn’t even that long ago, and worst of all, Jose’s got nothing funny to add. Nothing. So instead let’s present the nominees for Jose Melendez’s 2004 Person of the Year. The nominees are:
Curt Euro -- Who taught us all about grit, determination, ankle anatomy and even self-promotion while on the way to winning three post season starts. (Note: Jose has no problem with self-promotion, he’s just making an observation.)
Megatron Lowe – Who taught us that being a little crazy and sucking for an entire year doesn’t mean you can’t come up big when you need to. Wait…scratch that it’s PERSON of the year. Robots need not apply.
David Ortiz – Who taught us all that even if you are so whipped that you say Friends is your favorite show despite being a giant Dominican man, it doesn’t mean you’re not a badass.
Johnny Damon – Who taught us that the second coming is significantly more pleasant for non-believers than it is portrayed in Revelations.
And the winner is….
Alexander Fleming, the inventor of antibiotics. Sorry. Jose thinks this guy should win every year, as Jose has long said he would rather be Jose today, than a Rockefeller in 1911. His invention kept Jose from dying from cellulitis before the Sox won the World Series, and for that, Jose salutes you.
3. Finally, let’s take a look ahead to 2005, and see what surprises the coming year has in store for us.
A. Sox right hander Wade Miller will go on Barbara Walters to talk about his struggle with sex addiction and then be thrown from a moving car by his wife. This seems like it happens every time the Red Sox have a Wade.
B. And speaking of Wades, 2005 will be the year when Wade Boggs finally does a Viagra ad. It’s a natural isn’t it?
"Hi, I’m Wade Boggs, batting champion, soon to be hall of famer, equestrian and sex addict, and when my bat speed slowed down, it got hard to keep doing what made me famous. That’s why I use Viagra."
C. The Red Sox 10-year, $40 million investment in catcher Jason Varitek will be proven unwise when Varitek is lost at sea. Varitek will go out to sea, after concluding that his new status as Red Sox Captain must mean that he knows something about boats.
D. Prior to being lost at sea, Varitek will supplement his income by performing weddings on off days, under the provision that allows captains to officiate.
E. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein will no longer be referred to as "30-year old Theo Epstein." He will suddenly, inexplicably be referred to as "31 year old Theo Epstein" instead.
F. The meaning of Pedro Martinez’s "Yankees are my daddy" comment will finally become clear when it is revealed that he is descended from a U.S. Marine who was part of the 1965 invasion of the Dominican Republic.
We’ve got to take a short break but we’ll keep partying through the night. Up next, the smooth sound of Color Me Bad.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.
1. Hello and welcome to Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE. Jose is coming to you live from Circle Gets the Square in Melendezville where tens if not scores of people have gathered to watch the baseball drop, sip Andre "pink champagne" or Mr. Boston vodka from carefully concealed flasks, hang from street lights, and smash shop windows. Yes, whether you’re an alcoholic or merely a hoodlum, there’s something for everyone here, and that’s what keeps ‘em coming year after year.
Jose will be with you all through the night as we celebrate the new year here in Melendezville and across these United States. Once midnight has passed here, we’ll send you to celebrations live from Akron, Ohio; Winter Park, Colorado and Bakersfield, California so you can enjoy the best parties from every major time zone.
And we’ll be bringing you the hottest in music and entertainment. The Bangles are in the hoooouussssseeeee. And, get this, Billy Ocean is here!!! And if that’s not a enough, we might even have a special guest. And Jose’s not saying it is The Cowsills, but he’s not saying it isn’t either.
Now let’s kick off the party with a look at 2004 the year that was.
2. By any reckoning 2004, was a spectacular year for the city of Boston. The Patriots won the Super Bowl, The RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES, the Democratic National Convention went swimingly and Boston Rob finished second on Survivor All-Stars, but still married his way into a share of the winner’s purse. Actually, screw this. We all know what happened in 2004. We were there, it wasn’t even that long ago, and worst of all, Jose’s got nothing funny to add. Nothing. So instead let’s present the nominees for Jose Melendez’s 2004 Person of the Year. The nominees are:
Curt Euro -- Who taught us all about grit, determination, ankle anatomy and even self-promotion while on the way to winning three post season starts. (Note: Jose has no problem with self-promotion, he’s just making an observation.)
Megatron Lowe – Who taught us that being a little crazy and sucking for an entire year doesn’t mean you can’t come up big when you need to. Wait…scratch that it’s PERSON of the year. Robots need not apply.
David Ortiz – Who taught us all that even if you are so whipped that you say Friends is your favorite show despite being a giant Dominican man, it doesn’t mean you’re not a badass.
Johnny Damon – Who taught us that the second coming is significantly more pleasant for non-believers than it is portrayed in Revelations.
And the winner is….
Alexander Fleming, the inventor of antibiotics. Sorry. Jose thinks this guy should win every year, as Jose has long said he would rather be Jose today, than a Rockefeller in 1911. His invention kept Jose from dying from cellulitis before the Sox won the World Series, and for that, Jose salutes you.
3. Finally, let’s take a look ahead to 2005, and see what surprises the coming year has in store for us.
A. Sox right hander Wade Miller will go on Barbara Walters to talk about his struggle with sex addiction and then be thrown from a moving car by his wife. This seems like it happens every time the Red Sox have a Wade.
B. And speaking of Wades, 2005 will be the year when Wade Boggs finally does a Viagra ad. It’s a natural isn’t it?
"Hi, I’m Wade Boggs, batting champion, soon to be hall of famer, equestrian and sex addict, and when my bat speed slowed down, it got hard to keep doing what made me famous. That’s why I use Viagra."
C. The Red Sox 10-year, $40 million investment in catcher Jason Varitek will be proven unwise when Varitek is lost at sea. Varitek will go out to sea, after concluding that his new status as Red Sox Captain must mean that he knows something about boats.
D. Prior to being lost at sea, Varitek will supplement his income by performing weddings on off days, under the provision that allows captains to officiate.
E. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein will no longer be referred to as "30-year old Theo Epstein." He will suddenly, inexplicably be referred to as "31 year old Theo Epstein" instead.
F. The meaning of Pedro Martinez’s "Yankees are my daddy" comment will finally become clear when it is revealed that he is descended from a U.S. Marine who was part of the 1965 invasion of the Dominican Republic.
We’ve got to take a short break but we’ll keep partying through the night. Up next, the smooth sound of Color Me Bad.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.
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