It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose makes his season debut tonight, attending the game with SoSH poster Lushess255, best known for his appearance in the upper right hand corner of some photos of Friday night’s unpleasantness. Last year Lushess255 sent out a Christmas card that showed him looking out over the Fenway field in a contemplative pose. Somehow, Jose suspects that his Christmas card this year will show him screaming with blood lust for Sheffield and the offending fan to throw down. Both are good images for the holiday season.
Jose makes his debut tonight amidst significant concern over how he ended last season. Jose’s 2004 was a lot like Kevin Millar’s 2003. He started off red hot, going 8-1 and then ended the year a horrific, 0-4 including a disastrous 19-8 loss to the Yankees in Game 3 of the ALCS. (Note: Okay, so we know now that it wasn’t disastrous, but it sure seemed like it at the time.)
So the question tonight is will we see the good Jose from the first three quarters of 2004 or the bad, burnt out Jose from the stretch run. Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain – if Jose doesn’t start winning, his demands that John W. Henry give him free tickets to promote good karma will fall on deaf ears. Of course, even if they win Jose’s first 10 games, his pleas will still fall on deaf ears, so actually there’s no difference. Never mind. Please disregard this KEY.
For the full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
Saturday, April 16
Friday, April 15
4/15/05 – Turning Japanese vs. Eating Japanese, and Chinese, and Italian, and Greek, and then some Beers
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
The news report on WBUR this morning said that the Red Sox 8-5 win over the Yankees was “overshadowed” by the incident in right field? Overshadowed? OVEERSHADOWED?!? That’s just bad reporting from the normally workmanlike BUR crew.
The Reds Sox knock around Randy Johnson and they think it was overshadowed by a little slap in right field? Nothing could have overshadowed last night’s game. If there had been a Beatle’s reunion during the seventh inning stretch, it wouldn’t have overshadowed last night’s game. And keep in mind that the reunion would have included the shocking resurrections of John Lennon and George Harrison, finally giving legitimacy to their claim that they are “bigger than Jesus.”
Still, the unruliness in right field may prove to be historically significant. Jose thought the odds were that the fan who may or may not have taken a swing at Sheffield would be sent to The Hague on war crimes charges, and Jose’s friend Jamie said that Rick Sutcliffe had already nominated the security guard who courageously jumped in to the stands for a Nobel Peace Prize. While the Hague seems a bit much, the Nobel makes some sense to Jose. After all, that security guard has already done far more to encourage world peace than Nobel laureate Yasser Arafat.
Check out the rest of the KEYS at wallballsingle.com
The news report on WBUR this morning said that the Red Sox 8-5 win over the Yankees was “overshadowed” by the incident in right field? Overshadowed? OVEERSHADOWED?!? That’s just bad reporting from the normally workmanlike BUR crew.
The Reds Sox knock around Randy Johnson and they think it was overshadowed by a little slap in right field? Nothing could have overshadowed last night’s game. If there had been a Beatle’s reunion during the seventh inning stretch, it wouldn’t have overshadowed last night’s game. And keep in mind that the reunion would have included the shocking resurrections of John Lennon and George Harrison, finally giving legitimacy to their claim that they are “bigger than Jesus.”
Still, the unruliness in right field may prove to be historically significant. Jose thought the odds were that the fan who may or may not have taken a swing at Sheffield would be sent to The Hague on war crimes charges, and Jose’s friend Jamie said that Rick Sutcliffe had already nominated the security guard who courageously jumped in to the stands for a Nobel Peace Prize. While the Hague seems a bit much, the Nobel makes some sense to Jose. After all, that security guard has already done far more to encourage world peace than Nobel laureate Yasser Arafat.
Check out the rest of the KEYS at wallballsingle.com
Thursday, April 14
4/14/05 – Champs vs. Just Another Team
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. On Sunday, Jose wrote a letter to Katherine A. Powers, who wrote the Boston Globe’s review of 347 different Red Sox books on Sunday, none of which was “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004.”
That evening, Jose received the following response from Ms. Powers.
(Note: Did she mean for this to be published? Who knows? But since Jose is a “journalist” and she didn’t say “off the record” it counts. Sweet.)
It’s a classy response. It rips Dan Shaughnessy; it praises Jose – what’s not to like? Oh yes, the part where it says the Boston Globe won’t touch self-published books. Well, as best Jose recalls, occasional contributors don’t set policy, so the congenial Ms. Powers can hardly be blamed for this. Thus, Jose will go on to the next stop, Christine Chinlund, The Boston Globe Ombudsman.
Dear Ombudsperson,
Hi. This is Jose Melendez. You know, Jose Melendez, blogger, author, pseudonym, third person voice enthusiast. Oh, you don’t know? Well, that probably makes sense, as Jose is merely a self-published author and therefore, does not, according to Globe standards, technically exist. Dan Shaughnessy technically exists, Stewart O’Nan technically exists, heck, even Lou Gorman technically exists. But Jose Melendez? He’s an apparition at best.
But enough hinting, let’s get down to actual context. Jose sent an email to Katherine A. Powers on Sunday, a copy of which is attached below, inquiring as to why she did not review the acclaimed “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004” in her fine survey of Red Sox books. (Note: Acclaimed, not critically acclaimed. Jose can give you a list of people who have acclaimed it, but, as best he knows, none of them are critics.) Jose was mostly joking, as there was no way Ms. Powers would be familiar with Jose’s book if she was not among the literally scores of people who purchased it. (Note: Or unless she was one of the thousands who has read him on the famous “Internet” at http://www.wallballsingle.com.) Jose was not really expecting anything out of this exchange except one more day of material for his blog, but then Ms. Powers wrote a response that was not only kind, but informative. She said that even if she had heard of Jose’s book, she couldn’t have reviewed it, as the Globe “won’t touch self-published books.”
At first, Jose took this response with good humor. How could Jose possibly expect his book to be reviewed if it hadn’t been published by a reputable publishing house? After all, publishing houses add so much value to literature and take only a large share of the profits in return. Publishing houses ensure that the contents of a book, such as Jose Canseco’s best seller “Juiced,” are completely true. Publishing houses make certain that each book is well-researched, like each of those quickie O.J. books. Yes, who should we rely on to tell us what is newsworthy if not the publishing houses? Surely not the Boston Globe. And how could Jose possibly expect his book to merit consideration without first squeezing through their well-maintained gate.
So does the Globe really have a policy against reviewing self-published books? If so, thank you. Thank you for saving Jose from a scathing review of his poorly researched, typo-riddled, laugh-a-thon. Thank you for sparing him the embarrassment of having the Globe decline to review his book because it is of questionable merit, seldom read and unavailable in stores. Thank you for allowing him to claim that the only reason it didn’t warrant a review is that it is part of an entire delegitimized class of literature. “Don’t blame Jose for writing a lousy book, blame the Globe for its editorial tyranny!” That’s Jose’s motto now. The excuse soothes the pain. And thank you for doing your efforts to prop up the virtuous and fair publishing industry that gives so little and asks so much.
Seriously. Life is much easier this way. And since Jose’s nifty little volume is tawdry, mean, and factually-suspect, the Herald is probably a more appropriate venue anyway. The review would fit in nicely between the stories on water skiing dogs and the latest flirtation between Brad Pitt and Marjorie Eagen or whoever.
Your pal,
Jose Melendez
P.S. In the event that the Globe has no such policy against reviewing self-published books, sorry about that whole rant. On second though, even if the Globe does have the policy, sorry about the rant.
For today's complete KEYS, check out http://www.wallballsingle.com.
1. On Sunday, Jose wrote a letter to Katherine A. Powers, who wrote the Boston Globe’s review of 347 different Red Sox books on Sunday, none of which was “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004.”
That evening, Jose received the following response from Ms. Powers.
Dear Mr Melendez,
I am sure you are correct about the number or lack of it
of Dan Shaughnessy’s fans. If your book is as funny as your letter, I’m sorry I
haven’t seen it or read it or however one goes about taking it in. The Globe
won’t touch self-published books, so I can’t do it in the future, but I’ll look
at your Web site soon for my own entertainment. Carry on! Katherine P.
(Note: Did she mean for this to be published? Who knows? But since Jose is a “journalist” and she didn’t say “off the record” it counts. Sweet.)
It’s a classy response. It rips Dan Shaughnessy; it praises Jose – what’s not to like? Oh yes, the part where it says the Boston Globe won’t touch self-published books. Well, as best Jose recalls, occasional contributors don’t set policy, so the congenial Ms. Powers can hardly be blamed for this. Thus, Jose will go on to the next stop, Christine Chinlund, The Boston Globe Ombudsman.
Dear Ombudsperson,
Hi. This is Jose Melendez. You know, Jose Melendez, blogger, author, pseudonym, third person voice enthusiast. Oh, you don’t know? Well, that probably makes sense, as Jose is merely a self-published author and therefore, does not, according to Globe standards, technically exist. Dan Shaughnessy technically exists, Stewart O’Nan technically exists, heck, even Lou Gorman technically exists. But Jose Melendez? He’s an apparition at best.
But enough hinting, let’s get down to actual context. Jose sent an email to Katherine A. Powers on Sunday, a copy of which is attached below, inquiring as to why she did not review the acclaimed “Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME 2004” in her fine survey of Red Sox books. (Note: Acclaimed, not critically acclaimed. Jose can give you a list of people who have acclaimed it, but, as best he knows, none of them are critics.) Jose was mostly joking, as there was no way Ms. Powers would be familiar with Jose’s book if she was not among the literally scores of people who purchased it. (Note: Or unless she was one of the thousands who has read him on the famous “Internet” at http://www.wallballsingle.com.) Jose was not really expecting anything out of this exchange except one more day of material for his blog, but then Ms. Powers wrote a response that was not only kind, but informative. She said that even if she had heard of Jose’s book, she couldn’t have reviewed it, as the Globe “won’t touch self-published books.”
At first, Jose took this response with good humor. How could Jose possibly expect his book to be reviewed if it hadn’t been published by a reputable publishing house? After all, publishing houses add so much value to literature and take only a large share of the profits in return. Publishing houses ensure that the contents of a book, such as Jose Canseco’s best seller “Juiced,” are completely true. Publishing houses make certain that each book is well-researched, like each of those quickie O.J. books. Yes, who should we rely on to tell us what is newsworthy if not the publishing houses? Surely not the Boston Globe. And how could Jose possibly expect his book to merit consideration without first squeezing through their well-maintained gate.
So does the Globe really have a policy against reviewing self-published books? If so, thank you. Thank you for saving Jose from a scathing review of his poorly researched, typo-riddled, laugh-a-thon. Thank you for sparing him the embarrassment of having the Globe decline to review his book because it is of questionable merit, seldom read and unavailable in stores. Thank you for allowing him to claim that the only reason it didn’t warrant a review is that it is part of an entire delegitimized class of literature. “Don’t blame Jose for writing a lousy book, blame the Globe for its editorial tyranny!” That’s Jose’s motto now. The excuse soothes the pain. And thank you for doing your efforts to prop up the virtuous and fair publishing industry that gives so little and asks so much.
Seriously. Life is much easier this way. And since Jose’s nifty little volume is tawdry, mean, and factually-suspect, the Herald is probably a more appropriate venue anyway. The review would fit in nicely between the stories on water skiing dogs and the latest flirtation between Brad Pitt and Marjorie Eagen or whoever.
Your pal,
Jose Melendez
P.S. In the event that the Globe has no such policy against reviewing self-published books, sorry about that whole rant. On second though, even if the Globe does have the policy, sorry about the rant.
For today's complete KEYS, check out http://www.wallballsingle.com.
Wednesday, April 13
4/13/05 - C. Euro vs. J. Wright
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose had planned something else for this first KEY. To be honest, when he started writing these KEYS, he hadn’t seen the ring ceremony yet. He was at a meeting in Fall River during the ceremony and he missed it. He just got to see it on the replay at 11PM Tuesday night. He figured that he could write a few quick KEYS about it, get some laughs, or not, no problem.
But things changed. He actually watched the ceremony. And it mattered to him. It really mattered to him. Jose had thought that after the long, wonderful winter, he had worked the sentimentality out of his system, that while the joy of the championship remained immeasurable, that overwhelming emotion of the night they won, even the overwhelming emotion of the following week, was gone forever. And then the team started coming out. Terry Eurona came out looking healthy and strong. Megatron Lowe came out wearing a BU cap. David Ortiz came out and reminded everyone that he is the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox history. Red Sox legend Dave Roberts came out and was reminded that his one little steal was greater than all of Ricky Henderson’s put together. Chang Lee came out and got one of the most perplexingly large ovations of the afternoon. Curt Euro came out walking effortlessly in clean white socks. And Johnny Pesky? Johnny Pesky, the man who has spent more time with this organization than any other, the man who exemplifies what it is to be a Red Sox came out and got the ring that he earned, got the ring that he deserved… And it all came back, the joy, the exhilaration, the sense that a great burden was gone and that the world had begun anew.
For one little hour, this silly little ceremony with the shiny baubles and spunky songs, the old friends and the rippling banners brought it all back. For one hour it was October 27, 2004 again, and God did it feel good.
For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
1. Jose had planned something else for this first KEY. To be honest, when he started writing these KEYS, he hadn’t seen the ring ceremony yet. He was at a meeting in Fall River during the ceremony and he missed it. He just got to see it on the replay at 11PM Tuesday night. He figured that he could write a few quick KEYS about it, get some laughs, or not, no problem.
But things changed. He actually watched the ceremony. And it mattered to him. It really mattered to him. Jose had thought that after the long, wonderful winter, he had worked the sentimentality out of his system, that while the joy of the championship remained immeasurable, that overwhelming emotion of the night they won, even the overwhelming emotion of the following week, was gone forever. And then the team started coming out. Terry Eurona came out looking healthy and strong. Megatron Lowe came out wearing a BU cap. David Ortiz came out and reminded everyone that he is the greatest clutch hitter in Red Sox history. Red Sox legend Dave Roberts came out and was reminded that his one little steal was greater than all of Ricky Henderson’s put together. Chang Lee came out and got one of the most perplexingly large ovations of the afternoon. Curt Euro came out walking effortlessly in clean white socks. And Johnny Pesky? Johnny Pesky, the man who has spent more time with this organization than any other, the man who exemplifies what it is to be a Red Sox came out and got the ring that he earned, got the ring that he deserved… And it all came back, the joy, the exhilaration, the sense that a great burden was gone and that the world had begun anew.
For one little hour, this silly little ceremony with the shiny baubles and spunky songs, the old friends and the rippling banners brought it all back. For one hour it was October 27, 2004 again, and God did it feel good.
For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
Monday, April 11
4/11/05 -- Home Opener, Champs vs. Not the Champs
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Today is the day. Today is the day that we have waited for 86 years. Empires have risen and fallen, ideologies have been tested, space has been explored and through it all we have waited. We have waited and waited and waited and Godot never quite arrived. And today, today Godot not only arrives, but he sits down and buys us a beer. At long last we wall have our chance to see men fawn over jewelry as though they were women swarming around the desk of a newly engaged colleague.
Everyone is looking forward to the ring ceremony but few know what it actually entails. Yes, the Red Sox will have some star sing the national anthem, and the big American Flag and hopefully WWF Champion John Cena to throw out the first pitch, but none of those events is actually part of the ring ceremony itself. The ring ceremony itself is a holy sacrament where a permanent bond is formed between man and championship a bond that can never be broken. Some of the departed players like Pedro may go to Las Vegas for a quickie ring ceremony, but Jose believes that the players still with the team as well as a few old friends like Ellis Burks, Curtis Leskanic and Megatron Lowe are doing it the right way, surrounded by family and friends.
The ceremony, as one might expect, requires both a flower girl and ring bearer for each player. The flower girl strews rose petals before the feet of the player as he walks down the first base line and the ring bearer carries the ring behind him on a velvet pillow.
The ring is then presented by a minister, rabbi, priest, imam, judge, justice of the peace, major league baseball official or bartender empowered by the state of Massachusetts to bind man to championship. Before receiving his ring, each player recites vows. Some will write their own vows, but the classic version goes:
"I [state your name], do solemnly swear to take this ring , to be the symbol of my championship. To have but seldom to wear, to keep in a safe deposit box except for special occasions, to not sell on my Web site until the IRS is really closing in on me, in slumps and in streaks, on the DL and in active duty, whether starting or riding the pine, so long as I shall live."
At that point the officiant slips the ring on the player’s finger and declares, "And with the power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Major League Baseball and Shreve, Crump and Lowe, I now pronounce you man and championship. (Note: Shouldn’t they change the name to Shreve, Crump and Megatron?)
And this will happen once for each player, coach, trainer and management official tomorrow. It should only take six or seven hours. See why Jose isn’t resentful that he doesn’t have tickets?
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.
Today is the day. Today is the day that we have waited for 86 years. Empires have risen and fallen, ideologies have been tested, space has been explored and through it all we have waited. We have waited and waited and waited and Godot never quite arrived. And today, today Godot not only arrives, but he sits down and buys us a beer. At long last we wall have our chance to see men fawn over jewelry as though they were women swarming around the desk of a newly engaged colleague.
Everyone is looking forward to the ring ceremony but few know what it actually entails. Yes, the Red Sox will have some star sing the national anthem, and the big American Flag and hopefully WWF Champion John Cena to throw out the first pitch, but none of those events is actually part of the ring ceremony itself. The ring ceremony itself is a holy sacrament where a permanent bond is formed between man and championship a bond that can never be broken. Some of the departed players like Pedro may go to Las Vegas for a quickie ring ceremony, but Jose believes that the players still with the team as well as a few old friends like Ellis Burks, Curtis Leskanic and Megatron Lowe are doing it the right way, surrounded by family and friends.
The ceremony, as one might expect, requires both a flower girl and ring bearer for each player. The flower girl strews rose petals before the feet of the player as he walks down the first base line and the ring bearer carries the ring behind him on a velvet pillow.
The ring is then presented by a minister, rabbi, priest, imam, judge, justice of the peace, major league baseball official or bartender empowered by the state of Massachusetts to bind man to championship. Before receiving his ring, each player recites vows. Some will write their own vows, but the classic version goes:
"I [state your name], do solemnly swear to take this ring , to be the symbol of my championship. To have but seldom to wear, to keep in a safe deposit box except for special occasions, to not sell on my Web site until the IRS is really closing in on me, in slumps and in streaks, on the DL and in active duty, whether starting or riding the pine, so long as I shall live."
At that point the officiant slips the ring on the player’s finger and declares, "And with the power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Major League Baseball and Shreve, Crump and Lowe, I now pronounce you man and championship. (Note: Shouldn’t they change the name to Shreve, Crump and Megatron?)
And this will happen once for each player, coach, trainer and management official tomorrow. It should only take six or seven hours. See why Jose isn’t resentful that he doesn’t have tickets?
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.
Sunday, April 10
4/10/05 - Clement XV vs. Li-lly, Li-lly
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The vaunted Red Sox spin machine broke down this morning as Dr. Charles Steinberg stepped into some very turbulent waters on WEEI’s Sunday morning baseball show.
11:10 AM – Steinberg describes the Red Sox’s plans to have a large number of old players on the field in uniform for the ceremonies at the beginning of the opening day game.
11:12 AM – The insipid hosts complement Steinberg and the Red Sox for having the vision to invite old players back for opening day.
11:13 AM – Steinberg says (note: Jose was walking through Boston Common, and didn’t have a pad, so this is not an exact quote.) that he thinks every Major League team should have a “right of return” for former players.
11:14 AM – CLANG!!! The alarm bells ring in Israel and the occupied territories as the magic words are uttered.
11:25 AM – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas (note: also called Abu Mazen) holds a press conference stating that all Palestinians are descended from members of a 14th Century Major League team in Jerusalem called the Palestine Martyrs, and as such, all Palestinians have a right of return as confirmed by Dr. Steinberg. Moreover, Abbas demands that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays be relocated to East Jerusalem.
11:50 AM – AIPAC holds a press conference condemning Dr. Steinberg’s comments, calling for a retraction and asking Jewish Third Baseman Kevin Youkilis to public condemn Steinberg’s comments.
11:53 AM – Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announces a plan to bring the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to West Jerusalem.
12:03 PM – The Government of Greece, still confused by Billy Beane’s “Greek God of Walks” comment, calls on Youkilis to condemn continued Turkish occupation of one-third of Cyprus.
12:25 AM – Blogger Jose Melendez fictionalizes an account of a Middle East controversy arising from Steinbergs comments because the situation in the Middle East is marginally less discouraging than David Wells’ performance thus far.
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsigle.com
1. The vaunted Red Sox spin machine broke down this morning as Dr. Charles Steinberg stepped into some very turbulent waters on WEEI’s Sunday morning baseball show.
11:10 AM – Steinberg describes the Red Sox’s plans to have a large number of old players on the field in uniform for the ceremonies at the beginning of the opening day game.
11:12 AM – The insipid hosts complement Steinberg and the Red Sox for having the vision to invite old players back for opening day.
11:13 AM – Steinberg says (note: Jose was walking through Boston Common, and didn’t have a pad, so this is not an exact quote.) that he thinks every Major League team should have a “right of return” for former players.
11:14 AM – CLANG!!! The alarm bells ring in Israel and the occupied territories as the magic words are uttered.
11:25 AM – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas (note: also called Abu Mazen) holds a press conference stating that all Palestinians are descended from members of a 14th Century Major League team in Jerusalem called the Palestine Martyrs, and as such, all Palestinians have a right of return as confirmed by Dr. Steinberg. Moreover, Abbas demands that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays be relocated to East Jerusalem.
11:50 AM – AIPAC holds a press conference condemning Dr. Steinberg’s comments, calling for a retraction and asking Jewish Third Baseman Kevin Youkilis to public condemn Steinberg’s comments.
11:53 AM – Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announces a plan to bring the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to West Jerusalem.
12:03 PM – The Government of Greece, still confused by Billy Beane’s “Greek God of Walks” comment, calls on Youkilis to condemn continued Turkish occupation of one-third of Cyprus.
12:25 AM – Blogger Jose Melendez fictionalizes an account of a Middle East controversy arising from Steinbergs comments because the situation in the Middle East is marginally less discouraging than David Wells’ performance thus far.
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsigle.com
Saturday, April 9
4/9/05 - Boston vs. Team Confusion
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME...
3. The BJays are now the most confusing team in the majors. First, they have both Frank Catalanotto and Frank Menechino. Jose cannot remember which is which. Who played for the As? Which is the one that always kills the Sox? Couldn’t they just call them Frank Infield and Frank Outfield? That would be easier. But they had both Franks (note: Euros) last year, so what is it that sets them aside as the single most confusing team in baseball in 2005? That would be the addition of Cory Koskie. Or was it Eric Hinskie? For whatever reason, Jose cannot keep the two of them straight. Presumably it is because they are both third baseman, both have names ending in "ie" and have both killed Jose in fantasy leagues. And now they’re on the same team, except one of them, God only knows which one, is playing third base.
(Note: Speaking of third basemen, the BJays have three third basemen in their starting lineup, Koskie, Hinskie and Hillenbrand. Are they trying to set a record? If so, Jose hopes they bring back Kelly Gruber. That guy was Mr. Blue Jay, and, as best Jose knows, the only Blue Jay who was ever the center of a Kids in the Hall Sketch. Also Ed Sprague… they should bring him back too.)
But the confusing BJays roster is no accident. No, no!!! Jose is convinced that BJays GM J.P. Riccardi is trying to compensate for a below average roster by trying to confuse his opponents. He probably figures that if opposing pitchers can’t remember which guy is at the plate, they won’t remember whether to throw him fastballs inside or sliders down and away. Riccardi, a Worcester native probably leaned this strategy by watching Sox GM Lou Gorman operate in the early 1990s. Gorman made a run at being the most confusing team in baseball, when he sought to add Greg W. Harris and Mark Gardner to Greg A. Harris and Mike Gardner. (Note: Or was it the other way around?) The attempt failed, so the confusion theory was never attempted. Jose figures that Riccardi is just handling Gorman’s unfinished business.
So look for Riccardi to acquire all three Molina brothers before the trading deadline; it’s the logical move, after all.
For today's full KEYS please visit wallballsingle.com.
3. The BJays are now the most confusing team in the majors. First, they have both Frank Catalanotto and Frank Menechino. Jose cannot remember which is which. Who played for the As? Which is the one that always kills the Sox? Couldn’t they just call them Frank Infield and Frank Outfield? That would be easier. But they had both Franks (note: Euros) last year, so what is it that sets them aside as the single most confusing team in baseball in 2005? That would be the addition of Cory Koskie. Or was it Eric Hinskie? For whatever reason, Jose cannot keep the two of them straight. Presumably it is because they are both third baseman, both have names ending in "ie" and have both killed Jose in fantasy leagues. And now they’re on the same team, except one of them, God only knows which one, is playing third base.
(Note: Speaking of third basemen, the BJays have three third basemen in their starting lineup, Koskie, Hinskie and Hillenbrand. Are they trying to set a record? If so, Jose hopes they bring back Kelly Gruber. That guy was Mr. Blue Jay, and, as best Jose knows, the only Blue Jay who was ever the center of a Kids in the Hall Sketch. Also Ed Sprague… they should bring him back too.)
But the confusing BJays roster is no accident. No, no!!! Jose is convinced that BJays GM J.P. Riccardi is trying to compensate for a below average roster by trying to confuse his opponents. He probably figures that if opposing pitchers can’t remember which guy is at the plate, they won’t remember whether to throw him fastballs inside or sliders down and away. Riccardi, a Worcester native probably leaned this strategy by watching Sox GM Lou Gorman operate in the early 1990s. Gorman made a run at being the most confusing team in baseball, when he sought to add Greg W. Harris and Mark Gardner to Greg A. Harris and Mike Gardner. (Note: Or was it the other way around?) The attempt failed, so the confusion theory was never attempted. Jose figures that Riccardi is just handling Gorman’s unfinished business.
So look for Riccardi to acquire all three Molina brothers before the trading deadline; it’s the logical move, after all.
For today's full KEYS please visit wallballsingle.com.
Friday, April 8
4/8/05 - Balki vs. Bush
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Yesterday, Jose got the first speeding ticket of his life. Needless to say, Jose is innocent and plans on contesting the ticket. However, since Johnnie Cochran is recently deceased, Jose will be forced to defend himself.
Jose is not a lawyer, a paralegal or even a legal secretary, but he does have a few ideas for innovative strategies to get the ticket thrown out. As you might imagine, Jose’s legal strategy, like everything else in Jose’s life, is baseball related.
Jose’s first strategy will be to raise doubts about the accuracy of the radar gun that clocked him at 80mph with a dazzling video presentation. As Exhibit A, Jose will introduce a tape of Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Before a stunned courtroom (note: or magistrate’s office… whatever) Jose will play video from the infamous eight inning that shows the radar gun clocking Pedro’s fastball at 97 mph. You know he wasn’t throwing 97, Jose knows he wasn’t throwing 97, the judge magistrate knows he wasn’t throwing 97... EVERYBODY BUT GRADY KNOWS HE WAN’T THROWING 97. And yet there it is – 97 on the radar gun. Geez… it makes those radar guns seem a little suspect doesn’t it? Moreover, to trust the accuracy of the radar gun would be to validate Grady Little, and who wants to do that?
But what if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan? What if it’s Tony Castrati’s cousin and he still believes Grady was right? Thankfully Jose has a second strategy, a strategy based not on evidence, but on logic.
Let us suppose for a moment that Jose was going 80 mph. (Note: He was not.) Let us also suppose that radar guns are more science than voodoo. Who is to say that 80 mph is “too fast.” Now, lawyers might say that the Massachusetts General Laws says that 80 is too fast, but the General Laws also say that “Say Hello to Someone from Massachusetts” by Lenny Gomulka and Chicago Push is our official state polka, so what do they know.
As Red Sox fans know all too well, B.K. Kim’s fastball has been about 84 mph for the past year. It has been universally agreed upon that at 84 mph, his fastball is simply “too slow.” If the radar gun was correct, then Jose was still driving 4 mph slower than a BK Kim fastball. So how can it be that 84 mph is too slow, but 80 mph is too fast? Answer: It can’t. Jose’s web of logic is inescapable. If B.K. Kim’s fastball is too slow, then it is impossible that Jose was driving too fast.
And what if that doesn’t work? What if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan who loves B.K. Kim? Then Jose will stand up like a man, take his medicine, and blame it all on the flow of traffic.
For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.
Yesterday, Jose got the first speeding ticket of his life. Needless to say, Jose is innocent and plans on contesting the ticket. However, since Johnnie Cochran is recently deceased, Jose will be forced to defend himself.
Jose is not a lawyer, a paralegal or even a legal secretary, but he does have a few ideas for innovative strategies to get the ticket thrown out. As you might imagine, Jose’s legal strategy, like everything else in Jose’s life, is baseball related.
Jose’s first strategy will be to raise doubts about the accuracy of the radar gun that clocked him at 80mph with a dazzling video presentation. As Exhibit A, Jose will introduce a tape of Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Before a stunned courtroom (note: or magistrate’s office… whatever) Jose will play video from the infamous eight inning that shows the radar gun clocking Pedro’s fastball at 97 mph. You know he wasn’t throwing 97, Jose knows he wasn’t throwing 97, the judge magistrate knows he wasn’t throwing 97... EVERYBODY BUT GRADY KNOWS HE WAN’T THROWING 97. And yet there it is – 97 on the radar gun. Geez… it makes those radar guns seem a little suspect doesn’t it? Moreover, to trust the accuracy of the radar gun would be to validate Grady Little, and who wants to do that?
But what if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan? What if it’s Tony Castrati’s cousin and he still believes Grady was right? Thankfully Jose has a second strategy, a strategy based not on evidence, but on logic.
Let us suppose for a moment that Jose was going 80 mph. (Note: He was not.) Let us also suppose that radar guns are more science than voodoo. Who is to say that 80 mph is “too fast.” Now, lawyers might say that the Massachusetts General Laws says that 80 is too fast, but the General Laws also say that “Say Hello to Someone from Massachusetts” by Lenny Gomulka and Chicago Push is our official state polka, so what do they know.
As Red Sox fans know all too well, B.K. Kim’s fastball has been about 84 mph for the past year. It has been universally agreed upon that at 84 mph, his fastball is simply “too slow.” If the radar gun was correct, then Jose was still driving 4 mph slower than a BK Kim fastball. So how can it be that 84 mph is too slow, but 80 mph is too fast? Answer: It can’t. Jose’s web of logic is inescapable. If B.K. Kim’s fastball is too slow, then it is impossible that Jose was driving too fast.
And what if that doesn’t work? What if the judge magistrate is a Yankee fan who loves B.K. Kim? Then Jose will stand up like a man, take his medicine, and blame it all on the flow of traffic.
For today's full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com.
Wednesday, April 6
3/6/05 -- Wake vs. Mussina
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Let’s talk about corporate consolidation. Come on… it beats talking about yesterday’s crummy outcome.
Corporate consolidation is a big deal. As big companies buy other big companies, corporate stalwarts fall by the wayside, jobs disappear and local ownership becomes a hazy memory of a distant age – like the .400 hitter or Tom Gordon’s curveball.
Boston has been hit particularly hard by corporate consolidation. The most recent examples are the purchase of Gillette by Proctor and Gamble and the purchase of Filene’s by Macy’s, but it’s nothing new. Remember when Macy’s bought Jordan Marsh or when Bank of America bought FleetBank, which bought BankBoston which bought Bay Bank? (Note: Jose predicts that within 15 years, there will be only one bank and it will just be called “Bank.”) Even our beloved Red Sox have out of town ownership, though thankfully, they have yet to merge with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The great fear, of course, is that Boston will become a mere “outlet town,” where our fate is completely controlled by robber barons in Charlotte. But let’s not fret. We are not alone. Even a world capital like New York suffers from the same problem. Yes, some of the Big Apple’s most cherished institutions are owned by out of towners. A Japanese company bought Rockefeller Center in the 1980s, Charlotte-based Bank of America ATMs are everywhere and now, as of yesterday, Mariano Rivera is wholly-owned by the Boston Red Sox.
For the full KEYS visist wallballsingle.com.
Let’s talk about corporate consolidation. Come on… it beats talking about yesterday’s crummy outcome.
Corporate consolidation is a big deal. As big companies buy other big companies, corporate stalwarts fall by the wayside, jobs disappear and local ownership becomes a hazy memory of a distant age – like the .400 hitter or Tom Gordon’s curveball.
Boston has been hit particularly hard by corporate consolidation. The most recent examples are the purchase of Gillette by Proctor and Gamble and the purchase of Filene’s by Macy’s, but it’s nothing new. Remember when Macy’s bought Jordan Marsh or when Bank of America bought FleetBank, which bought BankBoston which bought Bay Bank? (Note: Jose predicts that within 15 years, there will be only one bank and it will just be called “Bank.”) Even our beloved Red Sox have out of town ownership, though thankfully, they have yet to merge with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The great fear, of course, is that Boston will become a mere “outlet town,” where our fate is completely controlled by robber barons in Charlotte. But let’s not fret. We are not alone. Even a world capital like New York suffers from the same problem. Yes, some of the Big Apple’s most cherished institutions are owned by out of towners. A Japanese company bought Rockefeller Center in the 1980s, Charlotte-based Bank of America ATMs are everywhere and now, as of yesterday, Mariano Rivera is wholly-owned by the Boston Red Sox.
For the full KEYS visist wallballsingle.com.
Tuesday, April 5
3/25/05 -- AL Newbie vs. AL Newbie
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. File under “The more things change.” After one loss, that’s right, one loss, the Boston media has already ended its love affair with the Boston Red Sox.
It’s only one game into the season and, apparently, we already know that David Wells is a bust, Edgar Renteria can’t hit with men on base and Red, White and Blaine Neal is the second coming of Bobby Jones. How bad has it gotten? Today the Boston Globe didn’t even have a Red Sox Notebook. The had a Celtics Notebook, they had an NCAA Men’s Notebook, they had an NCAA Women’s Notebook, they had a Masters Notebook, hell, they even had a Yankees Notebook, but no Red Sox notebook. So either the Globe needs to call up W.B. Mason and order some more office supplies (note: that’s right, the KEYS are doing product placement now. Revenue streams, baby!!!) or the Globe completely stiffed the World Champs.
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
The Herald is even worse. In between the latest pressing news about poolside catfights and sexy dressing Harvard librarians, they managed to sneak in a Tony Castrati column claiming that… get ready… the oceans are made of cotton candy!!! Okay, maybe not… but it was almost as absurd… it was an article claiming that Derek Jeter is the best player in baseball. (Note: Technically this was in the day before the catfights and librarians, but Jose would rely on Jaret Wright as a fifth starter before he would go through the Herald archives.)
Jose knows that with the Pope’s passing, some of us are thinking more about faith and the unseen world, but why, oh why, would God give us our senses and then urge us to ignore them and instead focus on ephemeral things like intangibles. How bad is this piece? It is so bad that Jose can’t even translate it because every line of the article would translate to “I don’t believe in statistical analysis, empirical evidence or even common sense. Instead, I will make absurd claims that are verifiably false.”
Are there legitimate questions about this Red Sox team? Sure there are, but there are legitimate questions about every team. For the Red Sox the questions are “Can they get enough out of their starting pitching?” and “Which way to the bar?” For the Yankees, by contrast, the questions are “Why can’t I have facial hair, I’m a grown man?” and “Where have mystique and aura gone? I liked them a lot better than Yankee Stadium’s two new residents, doubt and anxiety.”
1. File under “The more things change.” After one loss, that’s right, one loss, the Boston media has already ended its love affair with the Boston Red Sox.
It’s only one game into the season and, apparently, we already know that David Wells is a bust, Edgar Renteria can’t hit with men on base and Red, White and Blaine Neal is the second coming of Bobby Jones. How bad has it gotten? Today the Boston Globe didn’t even have a Red Sox Notebook. The had a Celtics Notebook, they had an NCAA Men’s Notebook, they had an NCAA Women’s Notebook, they had a Masters Notebook, hell, they even had a Yankees Notebook, but no Red Sox notebook. So either the Globe needs to call up W.B. Mason and order some more office supplies (note: that’s right, the KEYS are doing product placement now. Revenue streams, baby!!!) or the Globe completely stiffed the World Champs.
For today's complete KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
The Herald is even worse. In between the latest pressing news about poolside catfights and sexy dressing Harvard librarians, they managed to sneak in a Tony Castrati column claiming that… get ready… the oceans are made of cotton candy!!! Okay, maybe not… but it was almost as absurd… it was an article claiming that Derek Jeter is the best player in baseball. (Note: Technically this was in the day before the catfights and librarians, but Jose would rely on Jaret Wright as a fifth starter before he would go through the Herald archives.)
Jose knows that with the Pope’s passing, some of us are thinking more about faith and the unseen world, but why, oh why, would God give us our senses and then urge us to ignore them and instead focus on ephemeral things like intangibles. How bad is this piece? It is so bad that Jose can’t even translate it because every line of the article would translate to “I don’t believe in statistical analysis, empirical evidence or even common sense. Instead, I will make absurd claims that are verifiably false.”
Are there legitimate questions about this Red Sox team? Sure there are, but there are legitimate questions about every team. For the Red Sox the questions are “Can they get enough out of their starting pitching?” and “Which way to the bar?” For the Yankees, by contrast, the questions are “Why can’t I have facial hair, I’m a grown man?” and “Where have mystique and aura gone? I liked them a lot better than Yankee Stadium’s two new residents, doubt and anxiety.”
Sunday, April 3
4/3/05 -- Fat Man vs. Tall Man
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Welcome to Season Two of Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME. We are pleased to announce that Season One will soon be out on DVD including: Spanish and French dubbing, director’s commentary, deleted scenes and outtakes, such as one hysterical KEYS where Jose spelled "Mueller" as "Miller."
1. Once, Jose heard a big band jazz album (note: he believes it was Woody Herman, but maybe not) where the band leader, before playing his first chart, discussed how to open a set.
"There are two ways to open a set," said the bandleader. "The first is with a tremendous burst of energy, with a high-octane, flash bang, fast-paced chart, with big meaty chords that hit the audience like 50,000 volts." (Note: These are not actual quotes, but it works as a literary device.)
"But there is a second option. My option. I say that playing to an audience is like making love to a woman." For the benefit of Misters Jeter and Rodrigues, Jose will explain what "like making love to a woman" means. It means taking your time. It means being deliberate and passionate. It means laying back, sinking into the groove and letting the moment take its course. It is starting a set with "Willow Weep for Me" rather than "Take the A-Train."
Tonight, the Boston Red Sox open a set called the 2005 season. Their last set was the greatest in history. It was Dizzy and JJ and Coltrane and Myles together. It was Duke and the Count trading fours. But that set is over, and all that remains is the pleasant buzz of last night’s champagne and cigarettes, that blissful time before intoxication makes its inevitable transition to hangover. But today, there is another gig to make, another set to play. And the fans? They know what is possible. They know just how good it can be. The anticipation builds; the moment arrives. How would you open the set? The thunder of brass? Mellow tugs at the bass?
It is Red Sox vs. Yankees, Wells vs. Johnson, Varitek vs. A-Rod, Giambi vs. Nature.
No, this will not be like making love to a woman. Get ready for the brass.
For the complete KEYS visit wallballsingle
Welcome to Season Two of Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME. We are pleased to announce that Season One will soon be out on DVD including: Spanish and French dubbing, director’s commentary, deleted scenes and outtakes, such as one hysterical KEYS where Jose spelled "Mueller" as "Miller."
1. Once, Jose heard a big band jazz album (note: he believes it was Woody Herman, but maybe not) where the band leader, before playing his first chart, discussed how to open a set.
"There are two ways to open a set," said the bandleader. "The first is with a tremendous burst of energy, with a high-octane, flash bang, fast-paced chart, with big meaty chords that hit the audience like 50,000 volts." (Note: These are not actual quotes, but it works as a literary device.)
"But there is a second option. My option. I say that playing to an audience is like making love to a woman." For the benefit of Misters Jeter and Rodrigues, Jose will explain what "like making love to a woman" means. It means taking your time. It means being deliberate and passionate. It means laying back, sinking into the groove and letting the moment take its course. It is starting a set with "Willow Weep for Me" rather than "Take the A-Train."
Tonight, the Boston Red Sox open a set called the 2005 season. Their last set was the greatest in history. It was Dizzy and JJ and Coltrane and Myles together. It was Duke and the Count trading fours. But that set is over, and all that remains is the pleasant buzz of last night’s champagne and cigarettes, that blissful time before intoxication makes its inevitable transition to hangover. But today, there is another gig to make, another set to play. And the fans? They know what is possible. They know just how good it can be. The anticipation builds; the moment arrives. How would you open the set? The thunder of brass? Mellow tugs at the bass?
It is Red Sox vs. Yankees, Wells vs. Johnson, Varitek vs. A-Rod, Giambi vs. Nature.
No, this will not be like making love to a woman. Get ready for the brass.
For the complete KEYS visit wallballsingle
Thursday, March 31
3/31/05 -- Red Sox vs. IRS
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. So the B.K. Kim era in Boston is at last over and with it ends Jose’s long avoidance of learning to spell the righty’s full first name. Jose could learn how to spell Mientkeiwicz, but someone How Byung Hyo—well, whatever the hell it is, always escaped him.
And so in the final analysis, the Kim-Hillenbrand trade joins the elite company of the Cooper-Whiten trade and Jose’s trade of a Lou Whitaker card for a Bobby Thigpen card right after Thigpen set the single season save record among trades where each side thought it was ripping the other off.
The Sox sent Kim to Colorado for $315,000 of his salary paid and veteran catcher Charles Johnson who they immediately designated for assignment and then released in order to reap major tax benefits.
While the unsuccessful end of the Kim era is regrettable, the Red Sox have really done us a service in demonstrating how the acquisition and release of veteran players can defray one’s tax costs. For instance, Jose just discovered that he owes the federal government almost $1,000 this year, so he is now actively looking into acquiring either Todd Zeile or Robin Ventura in order to gain a valuable write off.
For the full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
1. So the B.K. Kim era in Boston is at last over and with it ends Jose’s long avoidance of learning to spell the righty’s full first name. Jose could learn how to spell Mientkeiwicz, but someone How Byung Hyo—well, whatever the hell it is, always escaped him.
And so in the final analysis, the Kim-Hillenbrand trade joins the elite company of the Cooper-Whiten trade and Jose’s trade of a Lou Whitaker card for a Bobby Thigpen card right after Thigpen set the single season save record among trades where each side thought it was ripping the other off.
The Sox sent Kim to Colorado for $315,000 of his salary paid and veteran catcher Charles Johnson who they immediately designated for assignment and then released in order to reap major tax benefits.
While the unsuccessful end of the Kim era is regrettable, the Red Sox have really done us a service in demonstrating how the acquisition and release of veteran players can defray one’s tax costs. For instance, Jose just discovered that he owes the federal government almost $1,000 this year, so he is now actively looking into acquiring either Todd Zeile or Robin Ventura in order to gain a valuable write off.
For the full KEYS visit wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, March 30
3/30/05 Remeberance of things past
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Was anyone really surprised that lefty specialist Mike Myers is returning to the Red Sox? Jose certainly wasn’t.
Jose does not watch horror movies. He doesn’t get why people pay good money to be scared; he thinks it’s sort of screwed up that people long to see grotesque violence, in fact, the only thing he knows about horror movies is that the psychotic is never truly vanquished. He never really dies or is imprisoned, he always comes back for more and more and more, sort of like Billy Martin in the old days. So why would anyone be surprised that Mike Myers, the star of the Halloween movies, has returned for a mere second time. The way Jose sees it, the Red Sox are due to reacquire him another two, three, perhaps seven times. (Note: They are also due to reacquire Freddy [Sanchez] and day now.)
So Hideki Matsui, Garrett Anderson be forewarned. One of these days, you’ll be minding your own business in the batter’s box and it will slowly creep up on you…slowly… you’ll check the signs… oh God it’s coming… you’ll steady your bat… it just keeps coming…. so slowly… and now it’s curving… and then, when you least expect it… STEEEERRIIKKEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Mike Myers has struck again.
For the full three keys visit the new home of KEYS wallballsingle.com
Was anyone really surprised that lefty specialist Mike Myers is returning to the Red Sox? Jose certainly wasn’t.
Jose does not watch horror movies. He doesn’t get why people pay good money to be scared; he thinks it’s sort of screwed up that people long to see grotesque violence, in fact, the only thing he knows about horror movies is that the psychotic is never truly vanquished. He never really dies or is imprisoned, he always comes back for more and more and more, sort of like Billy Martin in the old days. So why would anyone be surprised that Mike Myers, the star of the Halloween movies, has returned for a mere second time. The way Jose sees it, the Red Sox are due to reacquire him another two, three, perhaps seven times. (Note: They are also due to reacquire Freddy [Sanchez] and day now.)
So Hideki Matsui, Garrett Anderson be forewarned. One of these days, you’ll be minding your own business in the batter’s box and it will slowly creep up on you…slowly… you’ll check the signs… oh God it’s coming… you’ll steady your bat… it just keeps coming…. so slowly… and now it’s curving… and then, when you least expect it… STEEEERRIIKKEEEE THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Mike Myers has struck again.
For the full three keys visit the new home of KEYS wallballsingle.com
Monday, March 28
3/28/05 -- KEYS TO CHANGE
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE CHANGE.
1. It is with a fair modicum of sadness (note: as Mighty Thor would put it) that Jose must inform you, his faithful readers, that he is saying to hell with you all and moving on to greener pastures, up the food chain and any other number of clichés.
As you may recall, Jose once said he would never leave blogspot except to move closer to home. However, since Jose largely posts from home regardless of the site he is posting to, that promise is almost meaningless. Starting today, Jose will be posting at wallballsingle.com part of MVN (Note: The Most Valuable Network, not the Mt. Vernon Outland Airport.)
Jose wanted to end his career with blogspot, but they wouldn’t up their offer from zero dollars. That just didn’t show Jose a lot of respect.
This is probably a good thing for Jose. Over the course of the off season, he had stopped taking care of himself; the famous work ethic was gone and injury problems were beginning to emerge. Now, Jose will be motivated by a desire to prove the critics wrong. You said Jose was in the “twilight of his career.” Wait, that was Roger Clemens? Nevertheless, Jose will still prove you wrong.
But is it really a surprise that Jose sold out? It shouldn’t be. What should be surprising is how little he sold out for. As best he can tell, he sold out in return for a subscription to ESPN Insider – cash value: $15. So if any of you have a crisp $20 bill and want your own personal Red Sox blogger, definitely drop Jose a line.
But let’s not pretend this is all about Jose. (Note: This is all about Jose.) There will be many benefits to you the fan as well. For instance, Jose you will have access to an exclusive, subscription only “Jose Insider” service, which will offer choice tidbits to paying customers. If you want to hear trade rumors started by Jose’s drinking buddies (note: such as minor leaguer Shawn Wooten for former UCLA coach John Wooden), or know what Jose ate for breakfast (note: Coffee. That is all.) Jose Insider is the place for you. The new site will also offer a rare opportunity for those of you too cheap to buy the KEYS book a chance to learn Jose’s real name. (Note: It’s Jose Luis Melendez Garcia, apparently.) Finally, you will at last get the chance to see Jose in tag team action along with Tao of Manny’s Brian Young. This arrangement will be great for everyone until ratings sag and we need a new story line like Jose super kicking Brian through a plate glass window. Yes, everyone wins. But especially Jose wins.
(Note: In all seriousness, Jose will continue to post complete KEYS in SoSH game threads, and may continue to post teasers on keystothegame.blogspot.com, and he will definitely not super kick anyone through a plate glass window, particularly not a blogger as good as Brian.)
2. The most troubling revelation emerging from recent commentary on the Red Sox 2004 playoff run is that General Manager Theo Epstein got drunk off of vodka tonics following the disastrous Game 3 of the ALCS. Jose is not troubled that he got drunk, we should be happy he wasn’t shooting smack in canvas alley after that game, it’s how he got drunk..
VODKA TONICS!!! Wait…. Deep breath… VODKA TONICS!!!!!!!! That is not cool. Not cool. It makes Jose deeply suspicious and uneasy. First, a vodka tonic is sort of a jocky drink. And not in a good sense. It’s the type of drink you see fellows with white baseball caps drinking at low end dance clubs. Those guys suck. (Note: If you are one of those guys, Jose was not talking about you. Seriously. He was talking about that other guy with the white hat drinking a vodka tonic.)
Theo could be an exception to the rule, but vodka tonic is not a thinking man’s drink. It is neither cheap, like Pabst nor delicious like good whiskey or a Sam Adams. It is an expensive alcohol delivery system. No more… no less. If Theo was just trying to get drunk, Jose would be much happier if he bought a few 40s of OE.
A sabermetrician should never buy a vodka tonic. It’s inefficient. Let’s break it down. Manny Ramirez is 18 year old scotch, overpriced, but excellent. Euro Bellhorn is Old English Malt Liquor, dirt cheap but it gets the job done. Ramiro Mendoza is Mr. Boston Vodka, terrible but largely unnoticeable when camouflaged by a good rotation (or mixer). So what is the baseball equivalent of a vodka tonic? Jason Giambi? Really expensive and bad but not completely useless? Or is B.K. Kim expensive, but not obscenely expensive and really worthless. Either way, Theo’s drink preference is not a point in his favor. (Note: Of course, he won the World Series, so maybe this is quibbling a tiny, tiny bit.)
3. Speaking of B.K. Kim, he gave a rare interview to the Boston Globe’s Chris Snow, yesterday. Kim told the Canadian reggae legend that he believed he was at about 70 percent following an outing in which his fastball peaked at 87 mph. While most sports writers, fans, teammates, groupies and focus groups are focusing on the negative concerning Kim, Jose prefers to focus on the positive. If Kim is throwing 87 mph at 70 percent, when he is 100 percent, by Jose’s calculations, his fastball will top out at 124 mph. And people don’t want this guy on the roster?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CHANGE.
1. It is with a fair modicum of sadness (note: as Mighty Thor would put it) that Jose must inform you, his faithful readers, that he is saying to hell with you all and moving on to greener pastures, up the food chain and any other number of clichés.
As you may recall, Jose once said he would never leave blogspot except to move closer to home. However, since Jose largely posts from home regardless of the site he is posting to, that promise is almost meaningless. Starting today, Jose will be posting at wallballsingle.com part of MVN (Note: The Most Valuable Network, not the Mt. Vernon Outland Airport.)
Jose wanted to end his career with blogspot, but they wouldn’t up their offer from zero dollars. That just didn’t show Jose a lot of respect.
This is probably a good thing for Jose. Over the course of the off season, he had stopped taking care of himself; the famous work ethic was gone and injury problems were beginning to emerge. Now, Jose will be motivated by a desire to prove the critics wrong. You said Jose was in the “twilight of his career.” Wait, that was Roger Clemens? Nevertheless, Jose will still prove you wrong.
But is it really a surprise that Jose sold out? It shouldn’t be. What should be surprising is how little he sold out for. As best he can tell, he sold out in return for a subscription to ESPN Insider – cash value: $15. So if any of you have a crisp $20 bill and want your own personal Red Sox blogger, definitely drop Jose a line.
But let’s not pretend this is all about Jose. (Note: This is all about Jose.) There will be many benefits to you the fan as well. For instance, Jose you will have access to an exclusive, subscription only “Jose Insider” service, which will offer choice tidbits to paying customers. If you want to hear trade rumors started by Jose’s drinking buddies (note: such as minor leaguer Shawn Wooten for former UCLA coach John Wooden), or know what Jose ate for breakfast (note: Coffee. That is all.) Jose Insider is the place for you. The new site will also offer a rare opportunity for those of you too cheap to buy the KEYS book a chance to learn Jose’s real name. (Note: It’s Jose Luis Melendez Garcia, apparently.) Finally, you will at last get the chance to see Jose in tag team action along with Tao of Manny’s Brian Young. This arrangement will be great for everyone until ratings sag and we need a new story line like Jose super kicking Brian through a plate glass window. Yes, everyone wins. But especially Jose wins.
(Note: In all seriousness, Jose will continue to post complete KEYS in SoSH game threads, and may continue to post teasers on keystothegame.blogspot.com, and he will definitely not super kick anyone through a plate glass window, particularly not a blogger as good as Brian.)
2. The most troubling revelation emerging from recent commentary on the Red Sox 2004 playoff run is that General Manager Theo Epstein got drunk off of vodka tonics following the disastrous Game 3 of the ALCS. Jose is not troubled that he got drunk, we should be happy he wasn’t shooting smack in canvas alley after that game, it’s how he got drunk..
VODKA TONICS!!! Wait…. Deep breath… VODKA TONICS!!!!!!!! That is not cool. Not cool. It makes Jose deeply suspicious and uneasy. First, a vodka tonic is sort of a jocky drink. And not in a good sense. It’s the type of drink you see fellows with white baseball caps drinking at low end dance clubs. Those guys suck. (Note: If you are one of those guys, Jose was not talking about you. Seriously. He was talking about that other guy with the white hat drinking a vodka tonic.)
Theo could be an exception to the rule, but vodka tonic is not a thinking man’s drink. It is neither cheap, like Pabst nor delicious like good whiskey or a Sam Adams. It is an expensive alcohol delivery system. No more… no less. If Theo was just trying to get drunk, Jose would be much happier if he bought a few 40s of OE.
A sabermetrician should never buy a vodka tonic. It’s inefficient. Let’s break it down. Manny Ramirez is 18 year old scotch, overpriced, but excellent. Euro Bellhorn is Old English Malt Liquor, dirt cheap but it gets the job done. Ramiro Mendoza is Mr. Boston Vodka, terrible but largely unnoticeable when camouflaged by a good rotation (or mixer). So what is the baseball equivalent of a vodka tonic? Jason Giambi? Really expensive and bad but not completely useless? Or is B.K. Kim expensive, but not obscenely expensive and really worthless. Either way, Theo’s drink preference is not a point in his favor. (Note: Of course, he won the World Series, so maybe this is quibbling a tiny, tiny bit.)
3. Speaking of B.K. Kim, he gave a rare interview to the Boston Globe’s Chris Snow, yesterday. Kim told the Canadian reggae legend that he believed he was at about 70 percent following an outing in which his fastball peaked at 87 mph. While most sports writers, fans, teammates, groupies and focus groups are focusing on the negative concerning Kim, Jose prefers to focus on the positive. If Kim is throwing 87 mph at 70 percent, when he is 100 percent, by Jose’s calculations, his fastball will top out at 124 mph. And people don’t want this guy on the roster?
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CHANGE.
Friday, March 25
3/25/05 - Shake, Rattled and Rolled
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. School officials at the Merriam School in Acton, Massachusetts have embarked on a project to convince the Red Sox and Yankees to shake hands prior to their season opening contest.
The project was a response to high tensions between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans at the school during the Red Sox’s seven game triumph last year. Jose thinks this is an interesting way to deal with conflict between children over a sporting contest. But Jose has a better idea… deportation. This happened in MASSACHUSETTS… Yankees fans have infiltrated the schools? They’re trying to turn our own children against everything that is good and decent and American. Jose even has it on good authority that there are dozens, if not hundreds of Yankees fans at the State Department and even in the U.S. Army. Jose says to the principal “Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency?” It is time for us to drive them into the sea. And no, Jose has not been reading too many books about the Balkans. Well, okay… maybe a few too many books about the Balkans.
George Steinbrenner has already endorsed the plan, as one might expect from a big loser who lost. Loser.
To his credit, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has said that a pre-game handshake “may not be practical.” Adding “I usually do my nails right before the game and they typically aren’t dry until right before the first pitch, so a handshake might mess them up. It just seems really impractical.”
2. In one of the few actual news items from recent days, the Sox traded minor league legend Adam Hyzdu for major league nobody Blaine Neal. But maybe Jose is being too quick to judge the reliever. After all, he can’t be too bad if, after one full year in the majors, he is already the subject of a noteworthy off-Broadway musical “Red, White and Blaine.”
Neal expected to reach the majors earlier in his career, but suffered a serious setback when a big name scout, a Mr. Guffman, failed to show up for the one and only pitching performance of his high school career.
In declaring that he would not play for at least half of 2005 and possibly for the whole season, dope fiend Barry GoldBonds Medicated Slugger told the media “You wanted me to jump off the bridge.'' In related news, the city of San Francisco announced that it is considering waving environmental impact studies and building suicide prevention rails on the Golden Gate Bridge. (Note: Really.)
3. In Jose’s opinion, this is really, really stupid as Bonds finished his statement “I have finally jumped.'' The city of San Francisco would do better to invest its resources in search and rescue.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. School officials at the Merriam School in Acton, Massachusetts have embarked on a project to convince the Red Sox and Yankees to shake hands prior to their season opening contest.
The project was a response to high tensions between Red Sox fans and Yankees fans at the school during the Red Sox’s seven game triumph last year. Jose thinks this is an interesting way to deal with conflict between children over a sporting contest. But Jose has a better idea… deportation. This happened in MASSACHUSETTS… Yankees fans have infiltrated the schools? They’re trying to turn our own children against everything that is good and decent and American. Jose even has it on good authority that there are dozens, if not hundreds of Yankees fans at the State Department and even in the U.S. Army. Jose says to the principal “Have you no decency, sir? Have you no decency?” It is time for us to drive them into the sea. And no, Jose has not been reading too many books about the Balkans. Well, okay… maybe a few too many books about the Balkans.
George Steinbrenner has already endorsed the plan, as one might expect from a big loser who lost. Loser.
To his credit, Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has said that a pre-game handshake “may not be practical.” Adding “I usually do my nails right before the game and they typically aren’t dry until right before the first pitch, so a handshake might mess them up. It just seems really impractical.”
2. In one of the few actual news items from recent days, the Sox traded minor league legend Adam Hyzdu for major league nobody Blaine Neal. But maybe Jose is being too quick to judge the reliever. After all, he can’t be too bad if, after one full year in the majors, he is already the subject of a noteworthy off-Broadway musical “Red, White and Blaine.”
Neal expected to reach the majors earlier in his career, but suffered a serious setback when a big name scout, a Mr. Guffman, failed to show up for the one and only pitching performance of his high school career.
In declaring that he would not play for at least half of 2005 and possibly for the whole season, dope fiend Barry GoldBonds Medicated Slugger told the media “You wanted me to jump off the bridge.'' In related news, the city of San Francisco announced that it is considering waving environmental impact studies and building suicide prevention rails on the Golden Gate Bridge. (Note: Really.)
3. In Jose’s opinion, this is really, really stupid as Bonds finished his statement “I have finally jumped.'' The city of San Francisco would do better to invest its resources in search and rescue.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, March 22
3/22/05 - Battling Dead Arm
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yikes! Jose has definitely hit the dreaded dead arm period of spring training, when his fastball has no zip, his curveball has no curve and everything he can’t write anything funnier than a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. (Note: That is to say, not funny.) Maybe it’s just that there’s no news, but Jose’s writing feels lethargic. And God knows, writing about the stadium situation is never the cure for lethargy, and yet write about the stadium situation Jose shall.
How could he not write about the stadium situation? The Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to remain at Fenway Park for the rest of human history. This is a little bit like if the Greeks had announced their plans to hold the 2004 Olympics in the original 1896 Olympic Stadium. It’s a lot cheaper, and a lot easier, but it may not be completely practical.
Of course, the Red Sox are convinced otherwise. They truly see their future in the old yard. This is a stark departure from five years ago, when the Harrington regime insisted that a new stadium was essential to securing the team’s economic future and Jose was a young PR flack doing drips and drabs of work to help tear down baseball’s greatest stadium.
Jose was at the legislative hearing where the Red Sox asked for state aid for a new park. He sat immediately behind Dan Duquette and can confirm that up close, his hair cut looks even worse. Jose spread the gospel that Fenway was architecturally unsound, financially unviable and experientially inadequate. And now, five long years later, he learns that none of it was true. It turns out Fenway is architecturally sound, it is financially viable and it is experientially superior.
That has forced Jose to come to the uncomfortable realization that… get ready… public relations is not about truth!!! Honestly, Jose had no idea. (Note: Of course, he was a PR man, so God only knows if that statement is true.) The next thing you know Jose will hear that the drug companies aren’t charging Americans fair prices, Kentucky Fried Chicken is not a “heart healthy” food and asbestos is not “the miracle fiber that saves lives.” (Note: One of these was a campaign that Jose actually worked on. Can you guess which one?)
2. A number of states have adopted anti-gay marriage laws that explicitly define marriage as the union of “one man and one woman.” You may have read about it; it was in the news. Here’s what Jose wonders: Do these laws invalidate Megatron Lowe’s marriage? After all, they say nothing about the union between woman and machine. In addition would Senator Amidala’s marriage to Anakin Skywalker be valid? He has a robotic arm, so technically, he’s a cyborg.
See? Dead arm.
3. Despite his struggles over the past year and the criticism he recently endured from catcher Doug Mirabelli, not everyone has given up on Korean submariner B.K. Kim. In fact, amidst the piles and piles of Red Sox themed books that were written to capitalize on the team’s championship season there is even one about the troubled reliever. Jose saw it at the bookstore the other day. It’s by Rudyard Kipling.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yikes! Jose has definitely hit the dreaded dead arm period of spring training, when his fastball has no zip, his curveball has no curve and everything he can’t write anything funnier than a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. (Note: That is to say, not funny.) Maybe it’s just that there’s no news, but Jose’s writing feels lethargic. And God knows, writing about the stadium situation is never the cure for lethargy, and yet write about the stadium situation Jose shall.
How could he not write about the stadium situation? The Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to remain at Fenway Park for the rest of human history. This is a little bit like if the Greeks had announced their plans to hold the 2004 Olympics in the original 1896 Olympic Stadium. It’s a lot cheaper, and a lot easier, but it may not be completely practical.
Of course, the Red Sox are convinced otherwise. They truly see their future in the old yard. This is a stark departure from five years ago, when the Harrington regime insisted that a new stadium was essential to securing the team’s economic future and Jose was a young PR flack doing drips and drabs of work to help tear down baseball’s greatest stadium.
Jose was at the legislative hearing where the Red Sox asked for state aid for a new park. He sat immediately behind Dan Duquette and can confirm that up close, his hair cut looks even worse. Jose spread the gospel that Fenway was architecturally unsound, financially unviable and experientially inadequate. And now, five long years later, he learns that none of it was true. It turns out Fenway is architecturally sound, it is financially viable and it is experientially superior.
That has forced Jose to come to the uncomfortable realization that… get ready… public relations is not about truth!!! Honestly, Jose had no idea. (Note: Of course, he was a PR man, so God only knows if that statement is true.) The next thing you know Jose will hear that the drug companies aren’t charging Americans fair prices, Kentucky Fried Chicken is not a “heart healthy” food and asbestos is not “the miracle fiber that saves lives.” (Note: One of these was a campaign that Jose actually worked on. Can you guess which one?)
2. A number of states have adopted anti-gay marriage laws that explicitly define marriage as the union of “one man and one woman.” You may have read about it; it was in the news. Here’s what Jose wonders: Do these laws invalidate Megatron Lowe’s marriage? After all, they say nothing about the union between woman and machine. In addition would Senator Amidala’s marriage to Anakin Skywalker be valid? He has a robotic arm, so technically, he’s a cyborg.
See? Dead arm.
3. Despite his struggles over the past year and the criticism he recently endured from catcher Doug Mirabelli, not everyone has given up on Korean submariner B.K. Kim. In fact, amidst the piles and piles of Red Sox themed books that were written to capitalize on the team’s championship season there is even one about the troubled reliever. Jose saw it at the bookstore the other day. It’s by Rudyard Kipling.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Thursday, March 17
3/17/05 - Baseball Returns to Washington
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
So what if the game today was rained out. The steroid hearings are the real game today anyway.
1. Already, the ongoing Congressional steroid hearings have raised question after question after question. How did Jim Bunning get elected to the Senate? Is Major League Football what they’re calling NFL Europe now? Does Bud Selig have any shame? (Note: No.) And why haven’t some of the most likely targets been required to testify? Where is Giambi? Where is Bonds? Where is Melendez?
The first two were apparently released because they are part of an ongoing federal investigation, but why not Jose Melendez? Presumably the fact that Jose is neither a professional baseball player nor a steroid user has something to do with it, but that is no excuse. Jose would have been a terrific expert witness, as he likes to think of himself as an expert on everything. And if he was able to get a word or two in edgewise, he would have been great on a panel with Curt Euro and Frank Thomas.
Jose even had his testimony all written out
Representatives, Senators, parents, friends and most importantly The Class of
2005, Jose would like to thank for this opportunity to testify on one of the gravest problems facing our country today – deficit spending fueled by unwise, unfair and unnecessary tax cuts for heiresses, robber barons and the idle rich… Wait… What’s that Congressman? This is about steroids? Really? You really think steroids is one of the top issues in this troubled times? More thank the economy? Or Iraq? What about Iraq? Or terrorism? Terrorism is a big problem. Hmmm…Okay… You’re the
Congressman.
Steroids are bad. When Jose was in high school, there was a poster in the nurse’s
office with Jessie Ventura saying so. And he wasn’t even a Governor yet. So Jose is opposed to steroid use in all its forms… with the exception of Flonase, which he absolutely needs to get through the upcoming allergy season. Steroid use is a blight on baseball that fuels a disrespect for the rules, a delegitimization of records and the
general breakdown of American society. It is like crack but not as dangerous and not addictive. If steroid use persists, the future of baseball is bleak. Not Alaskan wilderness bleak, but like 40 degree days in April bleak.
To see how grave the situation is we need look no further than our other national pastime professional wrestling. Today, wrestling is dominated by flamboyant musclemen, lumbering giants and Canadians who hit each other with chairs, sledgehammers and automobiles in mad fits of roid rage. Jose longs for the days before steroids, when wrestling was led by decent, humble men like Gorgeous George.
If steroids are not halted, it won’t be long before each batter comes to the plate with 10 minutes of music and fireworks, a three hour game includes 45 minutes of
backstage interviews and sketches and the MVP is married to Bud Selig’s
daughter. Do not let steroids ruin baseball like they have wrestling.
So in conclusion, where is the nearest bar. It is St. Patrick’s Day and Jose would like
to get drunk.
2. Tony Castrati: Gettin' Self Righteous
What TC says: “Today, our national pastime goes before Congress to answer for all of those needle marks.”
What TC means: Today Congress launches hearings into the seedy world of competitive sewing.
What TC says: “Don't look now, America.”
What TC means: Seriously. Don’t look at me. I’m hideous.
What TC says: “Our worlds are colliding.”
What TC means: This hearing is on the superconducting supercollider. Right?
What TC says: “Reality TV at its finest.”
What TC means: Or are these Congressional hearing into Survivor?
What TC says: “And one can only assume that the senators and representatives will be treated with far more respect than any member of the media.”
What TC means: Which is outrageous. After all, Congress was only elected by… get this… the people. I was appointed by Pat Purcell.
What TC says: Regardless, assuming the likely absence of bombshells during today's testimony, baseball has a credibility problem.”
What TC means: Which is a big problem given the new bankruptcy legislation. Oh…that would be a credit problem. Never mind.
What TC says: Always, without exception, baseball is where we have gone to escape reality.
What TC means: Or drugs… some people use drugs to escape reality.
What TC says: Let this be a lesson to you, Mr. Baseball.
What TC means: I am now talking to a Tom Selleck movie.
3. Johnny Damon missed yesterday’s game with cellulitis, the same ailment that set the stage for Jose’s gusty performance in last year’s World Series. The skin infection, which can be serious, had reached Damon’s lymph nodes, making it a more advanced infection than the one afflicting Jose.
But honestly, Jose was thrilled to hear about Damon’s illness. As Jose knows all too well, cellulitis demands a 10 day course of antibiotics during which one may not consume alcohol. This practically ensures that Damon, who raised a stir last year when he suggested that perhaps he parties a bit too much, will start the season in great shape.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Tuesday, March 15
3/15/05 -- Red Sox vs. Bravo Network
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. One challenge Jose is going to face in the upcoming season is that he will not be able to depend on the reliable contributions, the yeoman’s work really, of his brother Sam Melendez. Throughout the 2004 season, whenever Jose’s stuff lacked its normal snap, he could count on Sam to give him some juice with a pithy line comparing Megatron Lowe to the Iron Giant or whatnot. This year, Jose will not be able to count on his younger brother for back up. Knowing that he has seen the greatest party Boston will ever have, Sam felt free to go West, to sail the Pacific (note: or at least from Seattle to Alaska) like his great grandfather Iwaishi Melendez before him. Of course, if Sam kills a whale, it will technically be a "crime" and "violation of the treaty on whaling," rather than "part of his job," so instead he will probably spend time doing repair work and waiting on guests. On the plus side, he will probably not be required to go into the head of sperm whales to gather the spermaceti, because unlike his great grandfather, he is not small. Also, let Jose reiterate, Sam will not be killing whales. Greenpeace please do not send letters to Jose or sail the Rainbow Warrior up to his apartment.
So Jose will be forced to turn to his older brother Jack Melendez for assistance. Jack is the older brother that Jose never knew, the older brother who was sent off into the wilderness for failure to comply with Jose’s parents’ fair and reasonable rules. Okay. Technically, Jack did not exist… as best Jose knows. Jose’s father just read somewhere that creating fictional siblings who had disappeared was not a good idea when one has young children who might fear abandonment, so naturally, he assumed that creating a fictional sibling would be hysterical. He was right.
But what is the point? Well, with Sam available only for occasional telephone advice, Jose will be forced to rely on Jack… but it’s a little bit like telling Ramon Martinez that instead of relying on Pedro in the 1999 ALCS he was going to have to rely on his brother Jesus instead, as Jack Melendez, much like Jesus Martinez, does not exist.
2. Now that Jeremy Giambi has come clean about his steroid abuse, we, as Red Sox fans, have to face the facts. Let’s just admit it, the 2003 season was tainted. A juiced up Jeremy was on the 2003 Sox – barely. Had he not been juicing, he probably never would have taken at bats from David Ortiz early in the season, the Red Sox would have had a better start, would have won home field advantage and may well have won a Game 7 played in Fenway Park. That makes the 2003 season tainted. TAINTED! TAINTED! TAINTED! Of course, it’s also been made irrelevant IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! by the 2004 season.
3. All Jose has been able to read about for the last few days is that the Fab Five were headed to Florida to do makeovers on a number of the Red Sox. Jose knows that spring training is boring and too long and reporters are desperate for news, so if they want to cover this non-story that’s fine, but they should still try to get their facts right. Jose has been looking very carefully and he has seen no sign of Chris Weber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard or Jimmy King. All he has seen is five gay guys running around. That said, it is possible that the guy in the pink shirt hugging Kevin Millar on the front page of the Herald could be Ray Jackson. After all, no one has seen Jackson since he left Michigan.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. One challenge Jose is going to face in the upcoming season is that he will not be able to depend on the reliable contributions, the yeoman’s work really, of his brother Sam Melendez. Throughout the 2004 season, whenever Jose’s stuff lacked its normal snap, he could count on Sam to give him some juice with a pithy line comparing Megatron Lowe to the Iron Giant or whatnot. This year, Jose will not be able to count on his younger brother for back up. Knowing that he has seen the greatest party Boston will ever have, Sam felt free to go West, to sail the Pacific (note: or at least from Seattle to Alaska) like his great grandfather Iwaishi Melendez before him. Of course, if Sam kills a whale, it will technically be a "crime" and "violation of the treaty on whaling," rather than "part of his job," so instead he will probably spend time doing repair work and waiting on guests. On the plus side, he will probably not be required to go into the head of sperm whales to gather the spermaceti, because unlike his great grandfather, he is not small. Also, let Jose reiterate, Sam will not be killing whales. Greenpeace please do not send letters to Jose or sail the Rainbow Warrior up to his apartment.
So Jose will be forced to turn to his older brother Jack Melendez for assistance. Jack is the older brother that Jose never knew, the older brother who was sent off into the wilderness for failure to comply with Jose’s parents’ fair and reasonable rules. Okay. Technically, Jack did not exist… as best Jose knows. Jose’s father just read somewhere that creating fictional siblings who had disappeared was not a good idea when one has young children who might fear abandonment, so naturally, he assumed that creating a fictional sibling would be hysterical. He was right.
But what is the point? Well, with Sam available only for occasional telephone advice, Jose will be forced to rely on Jack… but it’s a little bit like telling Ramon Martinez that instead of relying on Pedro in the 1999 ALCS he was going to have to rely on his brother Jesus instead, as Jack Melendez, much like Jesus Martinez, does not exist.
2. Now that Jeremy Giambi has come clean about his steroid abuse, we, as Red Sox fans, have to face the facts. Let’s just admit it, the 2003 season was tainted. A juiced up Jeremy was on the 2003 Sox – barely. Had he not been juicing, he probably never would have taken at bats from David Ortiz early in the season, the Red Sox would have had a better start, would have won home field advantage and may well have won a Game 7 played in Fenway Park. That makes the 2003 season tainted. TAINTED! TAINTED! TAINTED! Of course, it’s also been made irrelevant IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! IRRELEVANT! by the 2004 season.
3. All Jose has been able to read about for the last few days is that the Fab Five were headed to Florida to do makeovers on a number of the Red Sox. Jose knows that spring training is boring and too long and reporters are desperate for news, so if they want to cover this non-story that’s fine, but they should still try to get their facts right. Jose has been looking very carefully and he has seen no sign of Chris Weber, Jalen Rose, Juwan Howard or Jimmy King. All he has seen is five gay guys running around. That said, it is possible that the guy in the pink shirt hugging Kevin Millar on the front page of the Herald could be Ray Jackson. After all, no one has seen Jackson since he left Michigan.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Sunday, March 13
3/13/05 - Geminis on Parade
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
This week, Jose suffered his first significant setback of the preseason. Not only did he miss a few days, he also learned that Curt Euro does not expect to be ready to start the season opener. Jose has been planning a first rate opening day KEYS since the beginning of spring training and the lead was completely predicated on a Euro vs. Johnson match up. Without Euro, the piece isn’t going to work, which means Jose is two weeks behind where he needs to be. Could Jose go on opening day? Yes, probably, but he doesn’t think that he should go unless he’s 100 percent ready. (Note: Or at least 99.99 repeating percent ready) So will Jose be able to post on opening day? It’s looking sketchy right now. Of course, he could just be building the drama like a certain ace pitcher.
Apparently, Tony Castrati’s new book, which Jose has not and will not read… or translate… details some conflict between Curt Euro’s wife Shonda and Johnny Damon’s then fiancee, now wife, Michelle. Reportedly, Michelle, declined to wear the lucky scarf recommended by Shonda during the post season, greatly upsetting Mrs. Euro, who suggested that Damon’s struggles at the plate were due to his fiancee’s whorishly exposed neck.
While Jose usually frowns on superstition, he is inclined to buy into the idea that the neckwear of wives and girlfriends does affect playoff baseball games. He believes this one superstition because there is actual evidence. According to Jose’s sources, while the Red Sox wives wore lucky scarves, the Yankees wives wore lucky chokers.
3. Currently, the flu is making its rounds through the Red Sox pitching staff, affecting Curt Euro, David Wells and BK Kim, yet the position players have been left largely untouched. The question is why? Jose’s theory is that when a pitcher walks around with a big bag of ice on his shoulder, it lowers his body temperature and leaves him more vulnerable to infection. Alternatively, the pitchers are already passing around the shot glass before games. More alternatively, not even the flu wants to listen to Kevin Millar yap for three days. Even more alternatively, it’s not the flu at all, but SARS… you know… Starter And Reliever Syndrome.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
This week, Jose suffered his first significant setback of the preseason. Not only did he miss a few days, he also learned that Curt Euro does not expect to be ready to start the season opener. Jose has been planning a first rate opening day KEYS since the beginning of spring training and the lead was completely predicated on a Euro vs. Johnson match up. Without Euro, the piece isn’t going to work, which means Jose is two weeks behind where he needs to be. Could Jose go on opening day? Yes, probably, but he doesn’t think that he should go unless he’s 100 percent ready. (Note: Or at least 99.99 repeating percent ready) So will Jose be able to post on opening day? It’s looking sketchy right now. Of course, he could just be building the drama like a certain ace pitcher.
Apparently, Tony Castrati’s new book, which Jose has not and will not read… or translate… details some conflict between Curt Euro’s wife Shonda and Johnny Damon’s then fiancee, now wife, Michelle. Reportedly, Michelle, declined to wear the lucky scarf recommended by Shonda during the post season, greatly upsetting Mrs. Euro, who suggested that Damon’s struggles at the plate were due to his fiancee’s whorishly exposed neck.
While Jose usually frowns on superstition, he is inclined to buy into the idea that the neckwear of wives and girlfriends does affect playoff baseball games. He believes this one superstition because there is actual evidence. According to Jose’s sources, while the Red Sox wives wore lucky scarves, the Yankees wives wore lucky chokers.
3. Currently, the flu is making its rounds through the Red Sox pitching staff, affecting Curt Euro, David Wells and BK Kim, yet the position players have been left largely untouched. The question is why? Jose’s theory is that when a pitcher walks around with a big bag of ice on his shoulder, it lowers his body temperature and leaves him more vulnerable to infection. Alternatively, the pitchers are already passing around the shot glass before games. More alternatively, not even the flu wants to listen to Kevin Millar yap for three days. Even more alternatively, it’s not the flu at all, but SARS… you know… Starter And Reliever Syndrome.
I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, March 11
3/11/05 - Or 1.5/8/03 When converted to the Canadian Calander
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose spent the last two days at a conference in Baltimore (motto: it’s like a baby Philadelphia) on the working poor. As you might imagine, there is not too much to laugh about when discussing the plight of people working full time for just over $10,000 per year, but there was one moment of levity. A policy analyst from New York had scored a huge victory in getting New York Times columnist Bob Hebert to write about his initiative. A few days later, the analyst received a phone call. (Note: All names of people and organizations have been changed to protect the…okay, okay, they were changed because Jose forgot them. Are you happy now?)
Producer: Hello. Is this Joe Smith of the Working Families Project?
Smith: Yes.
Producer: The Working Families Project that was mentioned in the Times the other day?
Smith: Yes.
Producer: I’m a producer at the Bravo cable network.
Smith: Really? I’m so glad to see media taking an interest in this issue.
Are you doing a documentary or a show on the working poor?
Producer: Yes. I’m a producer with a show you might have heard of, it’s called Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy, and we were hoping you could put us in touch with
some of these working poor people who might like to have a makeover.
This presented a dilemma for Smith. On the one hand, it was horribly offensive that this gay equivalent of a minstrel show sought to suggest that all poor people needed was a makeover. On the other hand, who was Smith to make the decision for his constituents? After all, if the working poor are anything like most Americans, what they want most in the world is to be on TV. (Note: Jose truly believes that the American dream is no longer the house with the white picket fence and two cars in the garage. Instead, it is to be on TV. Did you know that according to labor economists, by the year 2037 every American will have been on a reality show? We’re going to have to open up further immigration just to supply us with new television characters.) Smith did the only thing he could, he gave the producer the name of an organization that provides direct services to the working poor and would let the working poor make up their own minds.
Jose can only assume that they declined, and that’s why the producers of Queer Eye decided to go with Kevin Millar instead. Millar may not technically be “poor” or even technically “working” but he certainly looks the part, and that, as makeover shows teach us, is what truly counts.
2. Manager Terry Eurona’s comments that Balki Arroyo would strengthen the Sox bullpen has led some to believe that when all six starters are healthy Arroyo will be the odd man out. Jose can guarantee you that this is not the case. At worst, Arroyo will be the even man out, the sixth starter, and therefore a reliever. As you may have noticed, six is an even number. In order for Arroyo to be the odd man out, he would either have to be the fifth man on a four man rotation – not too likely -- or the seventh man in a five man rotation, and that seventh spot seems to be well secured by Buddhist monk John Ha-lama. Therefore Arroyo is the even man out and Ha-lama is the odd man out. Jose hates in when reporters or so imprecise with the English language.
3. Will the Red Sox medical staff please take a look at David Ortiz – and fast. Ortiz was among the six Red Sox asked to pee in the cup as part of the first round of steroid testing. While Ortiz expressed no concern that he would test positive for steroids, he did say that “All they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans.”
David… Big Papi… muchacho, it is NOT normal to have rice and beans in your urine. Please get that checked out immediately before you find a steak in there.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose spent the last two days at a conference in Baltimore (motto: it’s like a baby Philadelphia) on the working poor. As you might imagine, there is not too much to laugh about when discussing the plight of people working full time for just over $10,000 per year, but there was one moment of levity. A policy analyst from New York had scored a huge victory in getting New York Times columnist Bob Hebert to write about his initiative. A few days later, the analyst received a phone call. (Note: All names of people and organizations have been changed to protect the…okay, okay, they were changed because Jose forgot them. Are you happy now?)
Producer: Hello. Is this Joe Smith of the Working Families Project?
Smith: Yes.
Producer: The Working Families Project that was mentioned in the Times the other day?
Smith: Yes.
Producer: I’m a producer at the Bravo cable network.
Smith: Really? I’m so glad to see media taking an interest in this issue.
Are you doing a documentary or a show on the working poor?
Producer: Yes. I’m a producer with a show you might have heard of, it’s called Queer
Eye for the Straight Guy, and we were hoping you could put us in touch with
some of these working poor people who might like to have a makeover.
This presented a dilemma for Smith. On the one hand, it was horribly offensive that this gay equivalent of a minstrel show sought to suggest that all poor people needed was a makeover. On the other hand, who was Smith to make the decision for his constituents? After all, if the working poor are anything like most Americans, what they want most in the world is to be on TV. (Note: Jose truly believes that the American dream is no longer the house with the white picket fence and two cars in the garage. Instead, it is to be on TV. Did you know that according to labor economists, by the year 2037 every American will have been on a reality show? We’re going to have to open up further immigration just to supply us with new television characters.) Smith did the only thing he could, he gave the producer the name of an organization that provides direct services to the working poor and would let the working poor make up their own minds.
Jose can only assume that they declined, and that’s why the producers of Queer Eye decided to go with Kevin Millar instead. Millar may not technically be “poor” or even technically “working” but he certainly looks the part, and that, as makeover shows teach us, is what truly counts.
2. Manager Terry Eurona’s comments that Balki Arroyo would strengthen the Sox bullpen has led some to believe that when all six starters are healthy Arroyo will be the odd man out. Jose can guarantee you that this is not the case. At worst, Arroyo will be the even man out, the sixth starter, and therefore a reliever. As you may have noticed, six is an even number. In order for Arroyo to be the odd man out, he would either have to be the fifth man on a four man rotation – not too likely -- or the seventh man in a five man rotation, and that seventh spot seems to be well secured by Buddhist monk John Ha-lama. Therefore Arroyo is the even man out and Ha-lama is the odd man out. Jose hates in when reporters or so imprecise with the English language.
3. Will the Red Sox medical staff please take a look at David Ortiz – and fast. Ortiz was among the six Red Sox asked to pee in the cup as part of the first round of steroid testing. While Ortiz expressed no concern that he would test positive for steroids, he did say that “All they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans.”
David… Big Papi… muchacho, it is NOT normal to have rice and beans in your urine. Please get that checked out immediately before you find a steak in there.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
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