It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose is sick. And it’s not some BS made up illness like Fenway Fever or the Vaughn Eshelman Flu (note: remember Wade Boggs’ unwillngness to face the unfamiliar lefty in 1995?). The way Jose figures it, he probably has either Western Equine Encephalitis or East Nile Virus. But not to worry, those two aren’t nearly as severe as the illnesses from the opposite directions.
To make matters worse, this is the first KEYS Jose is writing on his brand new computer, and making the switch from PC to Mac, Word to AppleWorks seems certain to result in some problems. It’s like making the transition from reliever to starter midseason. Jose should really be getting himself stretched out before he writes a full KEYS on this thing. You know, writing 100 words today, 250 on Sunday, 500 on Tuesday and then and only then giving a go at a full KEYS maybe a week from today. But with the season winding down, Jose just doesn’t have that much time to waste. The team needs him now.
Now you may be asking “Jose, what good can a Jose who is not only sick, but also getting stretched out possibly do for us?” Jose does not know. He only knows that he needs to try. For God’s sake Leonardo DiNardo is starting tonight. It’s not like the Red Sox can win this game on their own.
Besides a DiNardo start is always something to tune in to, as he is the first Red Sox pitcher since Rafael Bettancort (note: did he ever actually play for the big team?) to be named after a teenage mutant ninja turtle.
Ugh… that was pretty terrible. Much like the Red Sox starters for the last three nights, Jose has looked weak, really weak early. But can he now turn it around?
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, September 2
Wednesday, August 31
8/31/05 — Wakefiled vs. Guy We Got Euro For
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Sometime in the second inning of last night’s game, right around the time Jose was cutting into the evening’s first steak tip, the phone rang.
“Euro is all done,” said Jose’s brother Sam Melendez on the other end of the line. “I told you so yesterday.”
“Loothh at way,” replied Jose, his mouth full of meat marinated in soy sauce, brown sugar and Coca-Cola.
As he moved from the steak to the green beans lightly sautéed in olive oil and garlic, Jose began to compose today’s first KEY in his head. It would be a dirge, a lamentation. It would be a reflection Curt Euro’s sacrifice of the 2005 season and perhaps the rest of his career so that Red Sox fans could know the goodness of victory just one time. Jose muted the television, put Mozart’s mournful Requiem on the CD player and began to craft a eulogy of sorts as he shoveled mouthfuls of rice dripping with low quality LaChoy soy sauce into his mouth.
“Corinthians tells us that to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven,” Jose began. “For Curtis Montague Euro, born Curtis Montague Schilling, that season was Autumn 2004 and that purpose was to deliver a World Championship to the Boston Red Sox. But as time evaporates into memory so passes that season, and the purpose, now met, dissolves into the ether.”
And so it went on and on, a melodramatic stew of tired clichés about the cycle of life. Winter of his career, change of life, given us his all, sacrificed for the greater good, throw them all in the pot and let them marinate in the bitter juices of disappointment and loss.
And then Jose paused from his mourning and looked up and through the foggy prism of his tear filled eyes two numbers slithered through his pupils along his optic nerve and directly into his brain. Six and five. Six and five. It was the sixth inning and Tampa Bay still had only five runs, the same number they had when the inning numbered only two… and still the man with the comically bleached hair stood on the mound. But that must mean… Could it be???
And whispering on the wind Jose heard the line from The Serpent and the Rainbow, “Don’t bury me I’m not dead.” Four scoreless innings. Four fragments of evidence that all is not lost, that good things have not yet come to an end. And today, somewhere in Boston, lies a metaphorical grave, empty, a pile of soggy, rocky new England soil to the side. And on the headstone it reads “The Career of Curtis Monatgue Euro 1988— ” There is no second year. Nothing is over.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Sometime in the second inning of last night’s game, right around the time Jose was cutting into the evening’s first steak tip, the phone rang.
“Euro is all done,” said Jose’s brother Sam Melendez on the other end of the line. “I told you so yesterday.”
“Loothh at way,” replied Jose, his mouth full of meat marinated in soy sauce, brown sugar and Coca-Cola.
As he moved from the steak to the green beans lightly sautéed in olive oil and garlic, Jose began to compose today’s first KEY in his head. It would be a dirge, a lamentation. It would be a reflection Curt Euro’s sacrifice of the 2005 season and perhaps the rest of his career so that Red Sox fans could know the goodness of victory just one time. Jose muted the television, put Mozart’s mournful Requiem on the CD player and began to craft a eulogy of sorts as he shoveled mouthfuls of rice dripping with low quality LaChoy soy sauce into his mouth.
“Corinthians tells us that to every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven,” Jose began. “For Curtis Montague Euro, born Curtis Montague Schilling, that season was Autumn 2004 and that purpose was to deliver a World Championship to the Boston Red Sox. But as time evaporates into memory so passes that season, and the purpose, now met, dissolves into the ether.”
And so it went on and on, a melodramatic stew of tired clichés about the cycle of life. Winter of his career, change of life, given us his all, sacrificed for the greater good, throw them all in the pot and let them marinate in the bitter juices of disappointment and loss.
And then Jose paused from his mourning and looked up and through the foggy prism of his tear filled eyes two numbers slithered through his pupils along his optic nerve and directly into his brain. Six and five. Six and five. It was the sixth inning and Tampa Bay still had only five runs, the same number they had when the inning numbered only two… and still the man with the comically bleached hair stood on the mound. But that must mean… Could it be???
And whispering on the wind Jose heard the line from The Serpent and the Rainbow, “Don’t bury me I’m not dead.” Four scoreless innings. Four fragments of evidence that all is not lost, that good things have not yet come to an end. And today, somewhere in Boston, lies a metaphorical grave, empty, a pile of soggy, rocky new England soil to the side. And on the headstone it reads “The Career of Curtis Monatgue Euro 1988— ” There is no second year. Nothing is over.
For the full KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, August 30
8/30/05 — Euro vs. Scott “Disputed Province of” Kazmir
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Second Baseman Euro Bellhorn will, in all likelihood become a member of the New York Yankees sometime in the next 24 hours making him the second member of the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox to join the second place club. (Note: This is if you don’t count Ramiro Mendoza who has not escaped the minors and arguably never left the Yankees.) While Bellhorn, like his soon to be fellow Yankee Alan Embree, has badly underperformed this year, it still makes Jose sad to see a player who made such important contribution to the Red Sox championship end up on the Yankees. (Note: Though if the Yankees want to pick up other 2004 Red Sox contributors like Jamie Brown, Adam Hyzdu, or Bobby Jones, that’s cool.) There are, however, a few reasons why this move makes sense for him.
Pinstripes are slimming, and frankly he’s been looking a little chunky.
Once he is required to shave under the Yankees “no facial hair” policy, maybe people will stop coming up to him and saying “You sucked in Deuce Bigalow.”
All he can ever talk about is how he wants to vote for Mike Bloomberg.
No big risk of fans holding “Cano would have had it” signs.
Thought Yankee Mystique meant he would get use of a company Mercury Mystique.
Beats facing tough International League pitching for the rest of the year.
When people always call the Yankees a “classy organization” he thought they were saying that it is a “Lassie organization,” and he always thought that dog was a real hero.
The bottom line is that Euro Bellhorn will always be a hero to Red Sox fans, and we will miss him terribly, though not so much when David Wells strikes him out four times on September 10.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Second Baseman Euro Bellhorn will, in all likelihood become a member of the New York Yankees sometime in the next 24 hours making him the second member of the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox to join the second place club. (Note: This is if you don’t count Ramiro Mendoza who has not escaped the minors and arguably never left the Yankees.) While Bellhorn, like his soon to be fellow Yankee Alan Embree, has badly underperformed this year, it still makes Jose sad to see a player who made such important contribution to the Red Sox championship end up on the Yankees. (Note: Though if the Yankees want to pick up other 2004 Red Sox contributors like Jamie Brown, Adam Hyzdu, or Bobby Jones, that’s cool.) There are, however, a few reasons why this move makes sense for him.
Pinstripes are slimming, and frankly he’s been looking a little chunky.
Once he is required to shave under the Yankees “no facial hair” policy, maybe people will stop coming up to him and saying “You sucked in Deuce Bigalow.”
All he can ever talk about is how he wants to vote for Mike Bloomberg.
No big risk of fans holding “Cano would have had it” signs.
Thought Yankee Mystique meant he would get use of a company Mercury Mystique.
Beats facing tough International League pitching for the rest of the year.
When people always call the Yankees a “classy organization” he thought they were saying that it is a “Lassie organization,” and he always thought that dog was a real hero.
The bottom line is that Euro Bellhorn will always be a hero to Red Sox fans, and we will miss him terribly, though not so much when David Wells strikes him out four times on September 10.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, August 29
8/29/05 — Antipope Clement XV vs. Porn Star Seth McHung
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Did anyone else watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night? Umm… Jose didn’t (note: really.), but he did catch a few minutes of it while the Melendezette was watching. He was struck by the effort of Diddy to conduct some sort of small orchestra as part of a tribute to Biggie Smalls. (Note: Sean Combs’ conversion from “P. Diddy” to “Diddy” happened the same day as “Jon” Papelbon’s conversion to “Jonathan” Papelbon. It’s really a shame that the rookie’s name change got overshadowed. It should have been Papelbon on the Today Show or Good Morning America talking about how the lack of an “athan” was getting between him and his fans.) Jose was actually sort of impressed. Diddy seemed to have reached a level of conducting competency that put him only marginally below a 16 year-old drum major on his first day of drum major camp, so good for him.
Of course, the dirty little secret is that any group of professional classical musicians, talented amateurs of decent high schoolers are capable of playing with reasonable coherence on their own, with no help from a conductor. That’s how the Boston POPS is able to have those fundraisers where some classical music lover from Dracut is allowed to conduct the orchestra—good orchestras conduct themselves, at least up to high levels of quality; the conductor makes those last marginal improvements that separate good from great.
Jose raises this issue, because there still seems to be a perception that this Red Sox team is like the MTV orchestra—it doesn’t really not a conductor to perform well. That’s what we’ve heard from all of the Tito bashers since the World Series, that anyone could have won with that group, that the players do it themselves and so on. But anyone couldn’t have won with that group, or this group. Could John McNamara? Butch Hobson? Joe Kerrigan? We all know that Grady Little could not have. Hell, if Grady had been conducting in Diddy’s place last night, some violinist would have ended up with a bow sticking out of her eye socket.
This is not to say that Tito Eurona is a perfect manager. His approach to the bullpen can be infuriating (note: though Jose has yet to find a manager who’s bullpen management does not infuriate him), he chooses peculiar days to sit people and his tobacco habit sets a bad example to Boston’s young people, but he is, easily, the best Red Sox manager in Jose’s life time. That is, at least until Jose has the high bid on one of those “manage the Sox for a game charity auctions.”
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Did anyone else watch the MTV Video Music Awards last night? Umm… Jose didn’t (note: really.), but he did catch a few minutes of it while the Melendezette was watching. He was struck by the effort of Diddy to conduct some sort of small orchestra as part of a tribute to Biggie Smalls. (Note: Sean Combs’ conversion from “P. Diddy” to “Diddy” happened the same day as “Jon” Papelbon’s conversion to “Jonathan” Papelbon. It’s really a shame that the rookie’s name change got overshadowed. It should have been Papelbon on the Today Show or Good Morning America talking about how the lack of an “athan” was getting between him and his fans.) Jose was actually sort of impressed. Diddy seemed to have reached a level of conducting competency that put him only marginally below a 16 year-old drum major on his first day of drum major camp, so good for him.
Of course, the dirty little secret is that any group of professional classical musicians, talented amateurs of decent high schoolers are capable of playing with reasonable coherence on their own, with no help from a conductor. That’s how the Boston POPS is able to have those fundraisers where some classical music lover from Dracut is allowed to conduct the orchestra—good orchestras conduct themselves, at least up to high levels of quality; the conductor makes those last marginal improvements that separate good from great.
Jose raises this issue, because there still seems to be a perception that this Red Sox team is like the MTV orchestra—it doesn’t really not a conductor to perform well. That’s what we’ve heard from all of the Tito bashers since the World Series, that anyone could have won with that group, that the players do it themselves and so on. But anyone couldn’t have won with that group, or this group. Could John McNamara? Butch Hobson? Joe Kerrigan? We all know that Grady Little could not have. Hell, if Grady had been conducting in Diddy’s place last night, some violinist would have ended up with a bow sticking out of her eye socket.
This is not to say that Tito Eurona is a perfect manager. His approach to the bullpen can be infuriating (note: though Jose has yet to find a manager who’s bullpen management does not infuriate him), he chooses peculiar days to sit people and his tobacco habit sets a bad example to Boston’s young people, but he is, easily, the best Red Sox manager in Jose’s life time. That is, at least until Jose has the high bid on one of those “manage the Sox for a game charity auctions.”
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, August 26
8/26/05 — Wakefield vs. Johsnon
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Yesterday, Jose’s employer had its annual summer outing. It was nice. We took off at noon, ate nice cold cut sandwiches and went swimming in a pond. It’s not big deal. Lot’s of companies do it. Unfortunately, one of those companies appears to be the Boston Red Sox. That seems like the only reasonable explanation for yesterday’s second straight loss to the woeful Kansas City Royals. The Red Sox must have been enjoying a one day summer retreat. Okay, maybe they were physically at Kaufman Stadium, but did you see any evidence yesterday day that the Red Sox were not on at least a psychological retreat? Is there any doubt that Kevin Millar was imagining himself floating on an air mattress in a pool, margarita in hand? And there was Bill Mueller thinking about a roast beef sandwich with mustard and just a little smidge of mayo. And Manny, well, Manny is always on a mental holiday. The only one who didn’t appear to be taking a holiday was Curt Euro, who was certainly laboring.
So now that the rain out against the White Sox has been rescheduled for Labor Day the Red Sox will be forced to play for thirty straight days. But they shouldn’t complain. The collective bargaining agreement guarantees that there cannot be more than 20 days of play without an off day, and the Red Sox stood by their agreement by taking an off day yesterday.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Yesterday, Jose’s employer had its annual summer outing. It was nice. We took off at noon, ate nice cold cut sandwiches and went swimming in a pond. It’s not big deal. Lot’s of companies do it. Unfortunately, one of those companies appears to be the Boston Red Sox. That seems like the only reasonable explanation for yesterday’s second straight loss to the woeful Kansas City Royals. The Red Sox must have been enjoying a one day summer retreat. Okay, maybe they were physically at Kaufman Stadium, but did you see any evidence yesterday day that the Red Sox were not on at least a psychological retreat? Is there any doubt that Kevin Millar was imagining himself floating on an air mattress in a pool, margarita in hand? And there was Bill Mueller thinking about a roast beef sandwich with mustard and just a little smidge of mayo. And Manny, well, Manny is always on a mental holiday. The only one who didn’t appear to be taking a holiday was Curt Euro, who was certainly laboring.
So now that the rain out against the White Sox has been rescheduled for Labor Day the Red Sox will be forced to play for thirty straight days. But they shouldn’t complain. The collective bargaining agreement guarantees that there cannot be more than 20 days of play without an off day, and the Red Sox stood by their agreement by taking an off day yesterday.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, August 25
8/25/05 — Pitcher Who Gave a Championship to Boston vs. Pitcher Who Gave Herpes to His Mistress
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Tonight marks the return of Curt Euro to the starting rotation a mere 123 days after his last start and almost ten months after his last good start. (Note: Is the 123 days a good omen? Does it mean we’re going to see a lot of 1-2-3 innings?) How long had it been since Euro started? Well, let’s put it this way, the last time he started Jose might have been willing to use the phrases “Sox slugger Kevin Millar,” “non-*sshole Jay Payton or “future Hall of Famer Rafael Palmiero.”
The last time Euro made a quality start, it was game two of the World Series with blood seeping through his sock. But as we all recall, he was brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that some commentators have suggested that the blood on his sock was an elaborate fraud designed to inflate his heroism and unnerve opponents. While these charges are patently absurd, Jose would believe that batters were a little unsettled to see a man bleeding through his clothes still throwing smoke. So even though he wasn’t faking then, maybe he should now. Perhaps he should grab the old red sharpie and put a few dots on his sock prior to tonight’s start. Better yet, if Curt has a sense of humor (note: according to sources he does not), he should head out to the mound tonight looking like the title character in the final scene of Carrie. Can’t you just imagine a pig’s blood soaked Euro throwing fastballs and splitters? Wouldn’t that give him a huge advantage over hitters?
So welcome back to the rotation Curt. And let Jose give you a tip, if you’re looking for pig’s blood, try Chinatown and avoid the kosher butcher shops.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Tonight marks the return of Curt Euro to the starting rotation a mere 123 days after his last start and almost ten months after his last good start. (Note: Is the 123 days a good omen? Does it mean we’re going to see a lot of 1-2-3 innings?) How long had it been since Euro started? Well, let’s put it this way, the last time he started Jose might have been willing to use the phrases “Sox slugger Kevin Millar,” “non-*sshole Jay Payton or “future Hall of Famer Rafael Palmiero.”
The last time Euro made a quality start, it was game two of the World Series with blood seeping through his sock. But as we all recall, he was brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that some commentators have suggested that the blood on his sock was an elaborate fraud designed to inflate his heroism and unnerve opponents. While these charges are patently absurd, Jose would believe that batters were a little unsettled to see a man bleeding through his clothes still throwing smoke. So even though he wasn’t faking then, maybe he should now. Perhaps he should grab the old red sharpie and put a few dots on his sock prior to tonight’s start. Better yet, if Curt has a sense of humor (note: according to sources he does not), he should head out to the mound tonight looking like the title character in the final scene of Carrie. Can’t you just imagine a pig’s blood soaked Euro throwing fastballs and splitters? Wouldn’t that give him a huge advantage over hitters?
So welcome back to the rotation Curt. And let Jose give you a tip, if you’re looking for pig’s blood, try Chinatown and avoid the kosher butcher shops.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, August 24
8/24/05 — Antipope Clement XV vs. Some Other Bad KC Pitcher
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
According to the Boston Globe, the Red Sox are in the process of applying to make Fenway Park a historic landmark. While winning landmark status would give the Red Sox federal tax credits worth millions of dollars, it does come with strings attached. So should the Red Sox win landmark status, they may well become a marionette not yet visited by its blue fairy godmother.
Renovations of landmark buildings are strictly regulated in order to ensure that the buildings retain their historic character. Even more seriously, some changes already made might need to be reversed. (Note: Jose is almost positive that the last sentence is untrue, but bear with him.) Below are just a few of the issues that could come up if Fenway Park becomes a historic landmark:
*Each Bank of America sign must be replaced with a Bay Bank, Bank of Boston, Shawmut Bank and Bank of New England sign to demonstrate the historical progression of Massachusetts banking.
*Trough urinals to be reinstalled in men’s room in the interest of historical accuracy.
*Height of pitchers mound must be raised to pre-1969 height.
*No designated hitter.
*Johnny Pesky will be required to play shortstop.
*The green monster will be covered in advertisements just like in the old days. (Note: Wait, we’re headed that way anyway.)
*Tom Yawkey’s ashes must sit in the owner’s box.
*Bare knuckle boxing returns to Fenway Park.
So as you can see, there are some real plusses and minuses to seeking landmark status. Sure, Jose would love to see the Moosehead beer sign return, but not if it means that Harry M. Stevens has to return as the concessionaire.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
According to the Boston Globe, the Red Sox are in the process of applying to make Fenway Park a historic landmark. While winning landmark status would give the Red Sox federal tax credits worth millions of dollars, it does come with strings attached. So should the Red Sox win landmark status, they may well become a marionette not yet visited by its blue fairy godmother.
Renovations of landmark buildings are strictly regulated in order to ensure that the buildings retain their historic character. Even more seriously, some changes already made might need to be reversed. (Note: Jose is almost positive that the last sentence is untrue, but bear with him.) Below are just a few of the issues that could come up if Fenway Park becomes a historic landmark:
*Each Bank of America sign must be replaced with a Bay Bank, Bank of Boston, Shawmut Bank and Bank of New England sign to demonstrate the historical progression of Massachusetts banking.
*Trough urinals to be reinstalled in men’s room in the interest of historical accuracy.
*Height of pitchers mound must be raised to pre-1969 height.
*No designated hitter.
*Johnny Pesky will be required to play shortstop.
*The green monster will be covered in advertisements just like in the old days. (Note: Wait, we’re headed that way anyway.)
*Tom Yawkey’s ashes must sit in the owner’s box.
*Bare knuckle boxing returns to Fenway Park.
So as you can see, there are some real plusses and minuses to seeking landmark status. Sure, Jose would love to see the Moosehead beer sign return, but not if it means that Harry M. Stevens has to return as the concessionaire.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, August 23
8/23/05 — Wells vs. Some Bad KC Starter
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
On Thursday night, Jose had the opportunity to speak with a Turkish fellow. Jose immediately went to work asking him whether it was true that “boston” the Albanian term for “watermelon” is Turkish in its origin. (Note: As discussed in July.) It was either that or ask whether the Turkish Twist ride at Canobie Lake Park was really invented in Turkey, so vocabulary seemed like the best conversational option.
The Turkish gentleman said that he believes that “boston” is Turkish in its origin, but that in Turkish itself, “boston” does not mean “watermelon” but rather the field in which watermelons are grown. But he also spoke of a second, more sinister meeting.
In the old days of the Ottoman Empire, the Sultan would keep an executioner with an axe by his side at all times so he could order a complete craniectomy for anyone who came before him at any time and have the procedure carried out without delay. The executioner charged with this duty was known as the “boston.”
And this bit of Turkish parlance is eminently appropriate for our Boston baseball squad as we ease towards the September chill. In the next five weeks, the Boston Red Sox will raise the axe, sharpened through five months of grueling competition, and bring it down on the necks of their rivals. The Angles—Chop—The Blue Jays—Chop—The Orioles—Chop—the As—Chop—The Yankees Chop. One by one they will be forcibly separated from their title hopes by the Boston. (Note: Jose did not list Tampa, Detroit, or tonight’s opponent Kansas City on the chopping block, and he probably shouldn’t have listed Baltimore either. With these teams that are far, far, far out of the playoff picture, what happens to them will be far more akin to drawing and quartering and a long dead corpse than a beheading.)
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
On Thursday night, Jose had the opportunity to speak with a Turkish fellow. Jose immediately went to work asking him whether it was true that “boston” the Albanian term for “watermelon” is Turkish in its origin. (Note: As discussed in July.) It was either that or ask whether the Turkish Twist ride at Canobie Lake Park was really invented in Turkey, so vocabulary seemed like the best conversational option.
The Turkish gentleman said that he believes that “boston” is Turkish in its origin, but that in Turkish itself, “boston” does not mean “watermelon” but rather the field in which watermelons are grown. But he also spoke of a second, more sinister meeting.
In the old days of the Ottoman Empire, the Sultan would keep an executioner with an axe by his side at all times so he could order a complete craniectomy for anyone who came before him at any time and have the procedure carried out without delay. The executioner charged with this duty was known as the “boston.”
And this bit of Turkish parlance is eminently appropriate for our Boston baseball squad as we ease towards the September chill. In the next five weeks, the Boston Red Sox will raise the axe, sharpened through five months of grueling competition, and bring it down on the necks of their rivals. The Angles—Chop—The Blue Jays—Chop—The Orioles—Chop—the As—Chop—The Yankees Chop. One by one they will be forcibly separated from their title hopes by the Boston. (Note: Jose did not list Tampa, Detroit, or tonight’s opponent Kansas City on the chopping block, and he probably shouldn’t have listed Baltimore either. With these teams that are far, far, far out of the playoff picture, what happens to them will be far more akin to drawing and quartering and a long dead corpse than a beheading.)
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, August 17
8/17/05 --Wells vs. the Amazing Bonder Man
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
We have a serious problem in Boston, and it’s spreading faster than lice on Jason Giambi. Jose is a big supporter of Mayor Menino and is loathe to bring this up in an election year, but damn it, someone needs to say something. If we don’t take action, it won’t be long before they’ve infested every corner of the city.
Oh…who are they? You don’t know? Really? Jose thought it would have been obvious when he talked about uncontrolled infestations that he was speaking about street mimes.
Let Jose be the first to say that he has nothing against mimes when they are safely locked in invisible boxes, but having them out on the street is just a hazard. In the past week Jose has seen TWO, that’s right TWO street mimes in Boston. That’s an infinite percentage higher than the zero he’d seen in the city previously.
The first time Jose saw a street mime was in New Orleans, The Jazz Machine he was called. He stood there dressed like a hipster with his saxophone and if you dropped a dime, he’d blow a few notes, a dollar would get you a few bars and more might have gotten you a whole song. To be honest Jose isn’t sure. No way he was giving any more than a dollar to any street performance not involving marionettes.
But the two in Boston can’t measure up. There’s one at Fanueil Hall wearing a white tutu and pasty goth makeup who blows fairy kisses using baby powder. She doesn’t even put the baby power in a container that says fairy dust. That’s like Rafael Palmiero taking steroids out of a bottle labeled “illegal steroids” rather than one labeled “mysterious supplement.” She should at least have some plausible deniability.
Then last night Jose saw another woman in white makeup on Boston Common who has some sort of Indian/Hindu thing going. Both mimes shared The Jazz Machine’s “you get what your drop in the bucket philosophy.” They don’t move unless you pay.
The reason Jose mentions this in this space is that the infestation may even have reached Fenway Park. Jose isn’t certain, but he thinks that he has yet to see Kevin Millar move so much as a muscle in right field without someone dropping a dollar first.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
We have a serious problem in Boston, and it’s spreading faster than lice on Jason Giambi. Jose is a big supporter of Mayor Menino and is loathe to bring this up in an election year, but damn it, someone needs to say something. If we don’t take action, it won’t be long before they’ve infested every corner of the city.
Oh…who are they? You don’t know? Really? Jose thought it would have been obvious when he talked about uncontrolled infestations that he was speaking about street mimes.
Let Jose be the first to say that he has nothing against mimes when they are safely locked in invisible boxes, but having them out on the street is just a hazard. In the past week Jose has seen TWO, that’s right TWO street mimes in Boston. That’s an infinite percentage higher than the zero he’d seen in the city previously.
The first time Jose saw a street mime was in New Orleans, The Jazz Machine he was called. He stood there dressed like a hipster with his saxophone and if you dropped a dime, he’d blow a few notes, a dollar would get you a few bars and more might have gotten you a whole song. To be honest Jose isn’t sure. No way he was giving any more than a dollar to any street performance not involving marionettes.
But the two in Boston can’t measure up. There’s one at Fanueil Hall wearing a white tutu and pasty goth makeup who blows fairy kisses using baby powder. She doesn’t even put the baby power in a container that says fairy dust. That’s like Rafael Palmiero taking steroids out of a bottle labeled “illegal steroids” rather than one labeled “mysterious supplement.” She should at least have some plausible deniability.
Then last night Jose saw another woman in white makeup on Boston Common who has some sort of Indian/Hindu thing going. Both mimes shared The Jazz Machine’s “you get what your drop in the bucket philosophy.” They don’t move unless you pay.
The reason Jose mentions this in this space is that the infestation may even have reached Fenway Park. Jose isn’t certain, but he thinks that he has yet to see Kevin Millar move so much as a muscle in right field without someone dropping a dollar first.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, August 16
8/16/05 -- Papelbon vs. Robertson
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose went out for beers with some friends at 9:30 last night with the Sox up 6-3 secure in the knowledge that there was no way our bullpen could blow a three run lead to the Tee-zhers for the second time that night. As he and his friends sat outside at the Boston BeerWorks on Canal Street a dirty, confused man sucking on a cigarette walked by and yelled at us “You fags ezhnoy a eyam kozet?”
He continued to walk by so we didn’t think much of it. Then, without stopping, he turned his head and again yelled “You fags ejoy the Needymad conzet?”
Apparently, he was asking us if we’d enjoyed the Neil Diamond Concert. It was an odd question, as the concert, which we had no knowledge of, was in progress as we sat there quaffing malt, hops, yeast and water mixed together and allowed to fester. So effectively he was asking us how we were enjoying something that it was literally impossible for us to be a part of. It’s like asking the Yankees how they’re enjoying the 2005 pennant race. (Note: Blah, blah, three and a half games back blah, blah. As long as the Yankees continue to assemble the best set of pitchers 1995 has to offer—Johnson, Mussina, Brown, Nomo, Leiter—they will never be in this race…umm… right?)
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Jose went out for beers with some friends at 9:30 last night with the Sox up 6-3 secure in the knowledge that there was no way our bullpen could blow a three run lead to the Tee-zhers for the second time that night. As he and his friends sat outside at the Boston BeerWorks on Canal Street a dirty, confused man sucking on a cigarette walked by and yelled at us “You fags ezhnoy a eyam kozet?”
He continued to walk by so we didn’t think much of it. Then, without stopping, he turned his head and again yelled “You fags ejoy the Needymad conzet?”
Apparently, he was asking us if we’d enjoyed the Neil Diamond Concert. It was an odd question, as the concert, which we had no knowledge of, was in progress as we sat there quaffing malt, hops, yeast and water mixed together and allowed to fester. So effectively he was asking us how we were enjoying something that it was literally impossible for us to be a part of. It’s like asking the Yankees how they’re enjoying the 2005 pennant race. (Note: Blah, blah, three and a half games back blah, blah. As long as the Yankees continue to assemble the best set of pitchers 1995 has to offer—Johnson, Mussina, Brown, Nomo, Leiter—they will never be in this race…umm… right?)
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, August 15
8/15/05 -- 2004 World Champs vs. 1984 World Champs
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Jose was watching a Major League Soccer game the other night (note: or flipping by it to be more accurate) and noticed that the New England Revolution were competing against a club know as “Real Salt Lake.” Jose has two reactions. First, he questions the viability of any league that would put a team in Utah (note: and no he is not making an exception for the NBA). Second, giving bland, white bread Salt Lake the prefix “Real” in order to make it seem more Euro is both curious and amusing.
Actually, Jose sort of likes this about MLS. They know that soccer is not a particularly popular spectator sport in the U.S., at least in part because the overwhelming majority of the best players are from other countries and play in Europe. Moreover, the game is perceived as being foreign unlike basketball, football or baseball. So how do they deal with it? They give some of their teams vaguely Euro names like Real Salt Lake and DC United. Yup, that should help marketing in middle America. They love Europe there! Soccer already has the interest of Euros living in the U.S., so if MLS really wanted to expand their market, they should have given the teams hearty, American names, like the Salt Lake McNuggets or Law and Order: DC Soccer Unit.
The game that should really adopt the catchy Euro names is baseball. Also, players should start wearing all black uniforms. Baseball has no popularity or even comprehension in Europe, even though Europeans with their short work hours and copious leisure time are the perfect audience for a sport whose matches routinely take three hours. So Jose has a few idea on Euro names that major league teams should consider adopting.
· From now on the LA Dodgers should be known as Real LA. This would be in contrast to the LA Angels of Anaheim, who would be known as Fake LA, since they do not play in Los Angeles. Alternatively, whatever team has Rheal Cormier at the moment could take the prefix. For instance, it would be the Rheal Philadelphia Phillies.
· One of the Chicago teams should become Chicago United. This reason for giving Chicago the United moniker is that United Airlines is based there, so there could be a good marketing hook. Better yet, they should merge the Cubs and White Sox and then having a team called Chicago United. It’s time to end the North Side South side divide and really focus on ostracizing the West Side.
· There has to be at least one team with some letters attached to its name that no one really understands the meaning of. Something along the lines of AC Milan of FC Barcelona. Jose’s initial thought is that the Twins should become AC Minnesota, since they always play in an air conditioned dome. Alternatively the Devil Rays cold become FC Tampa Bay, with the FC standing for f*cked company.
The point is that if baseball wants to have a real world cup, it needs to broaden its appeal and Jose can think of no better way to do that then with empty gestures and flashy repackaging.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Jose was watching a Major League Soccer game the other night (note: or flipping by it to be more accurate) and noticed that the New England Revolution were competing against a club know as “Real Salt Lake.” Jose has two reactions. First, he questions the viability of any league that would put a team in Utah (note: and no he is not making an exception for the NBA). Second, giving bland, white bread Salt Lake the prefix “Real” in order to make it seem more Euro is both curious and amusing.
Actually, Jose sort of likes this about MLS. They know that soccer is not a particularly popular spectator sport in the U.S., at least in part because the overwhelming majority of the best players are from other countries and play in Europe. Moreover, the game is perceived as being foreign unlike basketball, football or baseball. So how do they deal with it? They give some of their teams vaguely Euro names like Real Salt Lake and DC United. Yup, that should help marketing in middle America. They love Europe there! Soccer already has the interest of Euros living in the U.S., so if MLS really wanted to expand their market, they should have given the teams hearty, American names, like the Salt Lake McNuggets or Law and Order: DC Soccer Unit.
The game that should really adopt the catchy Euro names is baseball. Also, players should start wearing all black uniforms. Baseball has no popularity or even comprehension in Europe, even though Europeans with their short work hours and copious leisure time are the perfect audience for a sport whose matches routinely take three hours. So Jose has a few idea on Euro names that major league teams should consider adopting.
· From now on the LA Dodgers should be known as Real LA. This would be in contrast to the LA Angels of Anaheim, who would be known as Fake LA, since they do not play in Los Angeles. Alternatively, whatever team has Rheal Cormier at the moment could take the prefix. For instance, it would be the Rheal Philadelphia Phillies.
· One of the Chicago teams should become Chicago United. This reason for giving Chicago the United moniker is that United Airlines is based there, so there could be a good marketing hook. Better yet, they should merge the Cubs and White Sox and then having a team called Chicago United. It’s time to end the North Side South side divide and really focus on ostracizing the West Side.
· There has to be at least one team with some letters attached to its name that no one really understands the meaning of. Something along the lines of AC Milan of FC Barcelona. Jose’s initial thought is that the Twins should become AC Minnesota, since they always play in an air conditioned dome. Alternatively the Devil Rays cold become FC Tampa Bay, with the FC standing for f*cked company.
The point is that if baseball wants to have a real world cup, it needs to broaden its appeal and Jose can think of no better way to do that then with empty gestures and flashy repackaging.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com.
Friday, August 12
8/12/05 -- Laundry Battle
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
The series of five manhole explosions that rocked the North End last night left Jose understanding exactly what it must be like to be the Tampax Bay Devil Rays—he was completely and utterly without power.
For the second time this year, the power went out in Melendezville, but this time Jose wisely chose not to manage a power outage by locking himself out of the house. But in the darkness and the quiet one has time to think, to ponder the questions that the hustle and bustle of the electronic world leaves no time to contemplate. Things like:
· Jose is so glad there is no game tonight, or he would be missing it.
· If Euro Bellhorn gets released and no one is there to see it, does he make a sound? He’s pretty quiet, you know.
· Is Brian Shouse really still in the majors? And if so is he the same guy as Brian Looney?
· When the Czech and Slovak Republics convert from crowns to euros, will Jose have to talk about Derek Lee chasing the triple euro?
· When will the God d*mn power come back on?
For todyas comlpete KEYS visit www.wallballsinlge.com
The series of five manhole explosions that rocked the North End last night left Jose understanding exactly what it must be like to be the Tampax Bay Devil Rays—he was completely and utterly without power.
For the second time this year, the power went out in Melendezville, but this time Jose wisely chose not to manage a power outage by locking himself out of the house. But in the darkness and the quiet one has time to think, to ponder the questions that the hustle and bustle of the electronic world leaves no time to contemplate. Things like:
· Jose is so glad there is no game tonight, or he would be missing it.
· If Euro Bellhorn gets released and no one is there to see it, does he make a sound? He’s pretty quiet, you know.
· Is Brian Shouse really still in the majors? And if so is he the same guy as Brian Looney?
· When the Czech and Slovak Republics convert from crowns to euros, will Jose have to talk about Derek Lee chasing the triple euro?
· When will the God d*mn power come back on?
For todyas comlpete KEYS visit www.wallballsinlge.com
Wednesday, August 10
8/10/05 – Balki vs. Ballistic
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. The arbitrator who yesterday reduced the suspension of Rangers starter Kenny Rogers for thrice beating a cameraman from 20 games to 13 games has been roundly criticized for being far too lenient on the righty and allowing him to miss only two starts. (Note: In his comments MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said “I am not a happy Commissioner.” Is sounded awkward, almost like he couldn’t say “I am not a happy man” because it would be a lie—because he isn’t a man. That’s right. This confirms Jose’s long held suspicion that like Sam Cassell and Eric Williams, Bud Selig is an alien bent on destroying the human race. Fortunately for us the only way he knows how to destroy anything is with labor strife and poor media relations, so while baseball may be screwed, the human race will probably survive.)
Jose thinks that this criticism is ill-advised and frankly uncalled for. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe, just maybe the arbitrator has made Rogers’ punishment more severe? That’s right. Now, instead of sitting around wondering what the trademark implications would be if he started his own eponymous fried chicken business, Rogers has to go out and get his *ss beat by the Boston Red Sox. How, oh how, is that being lenient?
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. The arbitrator who yesterday reduced the suspension of Rangers starter Kenny Rogers for thrice beating a cameraman from 20 games to 13 games has been roundly criticized for being far too lenient on the righty and allowing him to miss only two starts. (Note: In his comments MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said “I am not a happy Commissioner.” Is sounded awkward, almost like he couldn’t say “I am not a happy man” because it would be a lie—because he isn’t a man. That’s right. This confirms Jose’s long held suspicion that like Sam Cassell and Eric Williams, Bud Selig is an alien bent on destroying the human race. Fortunately for us the only way he knows how to destroy anything is with labor strife and poor media relations, so while baseball may be screwed, the human race will probably survive.)
Jose thinks that this criticism is ill-advised and frankly uncalled for. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe, just maybe the arbitrator has made Rogers’ punishment more severe? That’s right. Now, instead of sitting around wondering what the trademark implications would be if he started his own eponymous fried chicken business, Rogers has to go out and get his *ss beat by the Boston Red Sox. How, oh how, is that being lenient?
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, August 9
8/9/05 -- Jose Goes for 10-1
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. In the ancient Japanese capital of Kyoto, a bastion of Zen tranquility in a land of urban sprawl, green netted driving ranges and shrieking cicadas, the landscape is as completely littered with temples as New York is littered with… well… litter. At the age of 13, Jose traveled there on his first trip overseas and was struck by two of the ancient shrines.
The first was Kinkakuji, the Golden Pavilion, a three story black roofed shrine, the top two levels of which are covered in brilliant gold leaf. The Pavilion sits serenely on the end of a dock, the silence interrupted only by the gentle ripples of the water and the thousands and thousands and thousands of tourists. The grandeur of the Golden Pavilion, its opulence made quite an impression on the teenaged Jose.
The second was Ginkakuji, the Silver Pavilion, a humble wooden shrine that looks a bit weathered. It is, ironically not silver, and yet retains the name “Silver Pavilion” much as Kevin Millar retains the name “First Baseman Kevin Millar” even though he cannot really play first base. When Jose saw the Silver Pavilion, especially after seeing the Golden Pavilion, he came away a little disappointed. (Note: And the Bronze Pavilion is probably even more disappointing, but either Jose didn’t visit it or there is no such thing.)
While Jose had preferred the Golden Pavilion, the Japanese, his Japanese host explained, tended to prefer the Silver Pavilion. While the flash and glitz of the Golden Pavilion enchants the western eye, the Japanese are drawn to the austere beauty of the Silver Pavilion.
The reason Jose tells you all of this is that he is trying to figure out how new Sox first baseman Roberto Petagine won a gold glove in the Japan’s Central League. After getting his first good look at Petagine last night and watching him let a ball slip through his legs, get turned around on a pop up in foul ground and, as best Jose could tell, have Kevin Millar brought in for him as a defensive replacement, it is clear that Petagine could not possibly have won a gold glove for being a good fielder. (Note: Not that Derek Jeter could have either.) The only possible explanations that Jose can come up with are that either Petagine’s defensive skills have taken a dive so steep that it is typically only caused by rigor mortis, or that the gold glove is not an award given out for defensive prowess in Japan. Jose suspects that since the Japanese know that gaijin like shiny gold things, such as the Golden Pavilion, they hand them out willy nilly to Westerners. (Note: Petagine’s home country of Venezuela counts as the West even if it is underdeveloped.) Has anyone asked Gabe Kapler, “The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew” if they gave him a gold glove? Jose bets they did. Meanwhile, the actual award for outstanding defensive play is the Silver Glove, which ironically is made of wood, not silver. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. In the ancient Japanese capital of Kyoto, a bastion of Zen tranquility in a land of urban sprawl, green netted driving ranges and shrieking cicadas, the landscape is as completely littered with temples as New York is littered with… well… litter. At the age of 13, Jose traveled there on his first trip overseas and was struck by two of the ancient shrines.
The first was Kinkakuji, the Golden Pavilion, a three story black roofed shrine, the top two levels of which are covered in brilliant gold leaf. The Pavilion sits serenely on the end of a dock, the silence interrupted only by the gentle ripples of the water and the thousands and thousands and thousands of tourists. The grandeur of the Golden Pavilion, its opulence made quite an impression on the teenaged Jose.
The second was Ginkakuji, the Silver Pavilion, a humble wooden shrine that looks a bit weathered. It is, ironically not silver, and yet retains the name “Silver Pavilion” much as Kevin Millar retains the name “First Baseman Kevin Millar” even though he cannot really play first base. When Jose saw the Silver Pavilion, especially after seeing the Golden Pavilion, he came away a little disappointed. (Note: And the Bronze Pavilion is probably even more disappointing, but either Jose didn’t visit it or there is no such thing.)
While Jose had preferred the Golden Pavilion, the Japanese, his Japanese host explained, tended to prefer the Silver Pavilion. While the flash and glitz of the Golden Pavilion enchants the western eye, the Japanese are drawn to the austere beauty of the Silver Pavilion.
The reason Jose tells you all of this is that he is trying to figure out how new Sox first baseman Roberto Petagine won a gold glove in the Japan’s Central League. After getting his first good look at Petagine last night and watching him let a ball slip through his legs, get turned around on a pop up in foul ground and, as best Jose could tell, have Kevin Millar brought in for him as a defensive replacement, it is clear that Petagine could not possibly have won a gold glove for being a good fielder. (Note: Not that Derek Jeter could have either.) The only possible explanations that Jose can come up with are that either Petagine’s defensive skills have taken a dive so steep that it is typically only caused by rigor mortis, or that the gold glove is not an award given out for defensive prowess in Japan. Jose suspects that since the Japanese know that gaijin like shiny gold things, such as the Golden Pavilion, they hand them out willy nilly to Westerners. (Note: Petagine’s home country of Venezuela counts as the West even if it is underdeveloped.) Has anyone asked Gabe Kapler, “The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew” if they gave him a gold glove? Jose bets they did. Meanwhile, the actual award for outstanding defensive play is the Silver Glove, which ironically is made of wood, not silver. It’s the only thing that makes sense.
For today's complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Monday, August 8
8/8/05 – Miller vs. Rodriguez
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. When today’s KEYS end up sucking (note: and they will) Jose expects, nay Jose demands that you cut him some slack. After all, you’ve all cut Antipope Clement XV slack. Heck, even after Clement missed an entire start, you still let him off the hook for his ho-hum start. “We’re just glad that he’s okay,” you said. (Note: Okay, and Jose said too.)
Well, much like Clement, Jose got his skull cracked, just yesterday in fact, and guess what? Here he is back to work the very next day making his regularly scheduled start. When the boom on his father’s boat cut a graceful arc in the wind and swung squarely into the back of Jose’s head do you know what he thought? Do you?
He didn’t think “I’d better not move” or “am I bleeding?” or even “txfg dfgd rgdf.” No, he thought, how can Jose work this in to tomorrow’s KEYS. Even as he lay on the deck (note: floor) felled by a maritime rabbit punch, Jose was thinking about this feature, about the fans and about how he can help the team.
So when you’re stuck for the next week with KEYS about subjects like: “Tony Graffanino is not really that bad,” “Jeremi Gonzales really is that bad” and “Is Wilton Veras still the third baseman of the future?” remember that as bad as it is, it’s not nearly as bad as six earned runs in five innings, and you let that slide.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. When today’s KEYS end up sucking (note: and they will) Jose expects, nay Jose demands that you cut him some slack. After all, you’ve all cut Antipope Clement XV slack. Heck, even after Clement missed an entire start, you still let him off the hook for his ho-hum start. “We’re just glad that he’s okay,” you said. (Note: Okay, and Jose said too.)
Well, much like Clement, Jose got his skull cracked, just yesterday in fact, and guess what? Here he is back to work the very next day making his regularly scheduled start. When the boom on his father’s boat cut a graceful arc in the wind and swung squarely into the back of Jose’s head do you know what he thought? Do you?
He didn’t think “I’d better not move” or “am I bleeding?” or even “txfg dfgd rgdf.” No, he thought, how can Jose work this in to tomorrow’s KEYS. Even as he lay on the deck (note: floor) felled by a maritime rabbit punch, Jose was thinking about this feature, about the fans and about how he can help the team.
So when you’re stuck for the next week with KEYS about subjects like: “Tony Graffanino is not really that bad,” “Jeremi Gonzales really is that bad” and “Is Wilton Veras still the third baseman of the future?” remember that as bad as it is, it’s not nearly as bad as six earned runs in five innings, and you let that slide.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Friday, August 5
8/5/05 -- Balkie vs. Radke
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Man-E-Faces Ramirez sat yesterday following a horrific collision with shortstop Edgar Renteria on Wednesday night. Lest anyone assume that Manny is faking, the Globe printed a picture of Manny’s blood filled right eye on the front page of the sports section. (Note: Jose is eagerly anticipating certain bigots on WEEI claiming that Manny is just wearing contact lenses that create the illusion of blood in order to get out of playing.)
Jose knows exactly how this feels. When he was a sophomore in high school he took a thumb to the eye while playing pickup basketball and ended up with a crimson eyeball for the better part of a month. Jose wavered for a few days between wearing an eye patch and sunglasses to school before finally settling on the sunglasses because they made in far easier to sleep in class.
Here’s what Jose learned from the experience—bloody eyeballs are gross. People are tempted to look at them, but are disgusted by what they see. They unsettle people; they disturb them. This can be a weapon Manny, and Jose urges you to use it. When you step in tonight against Twins starter Brad Radke open your eyes wide and make sure he gets a good look; consider bringing a magnifying glass to the plate so he’ll be sure to see every ruptured corpuscle. If the doctors have proscribed ointment to deal with it, why not put it in while standing in the batter’s box? Talk about how it oozes. Do you think Radke has the constitution to deal with that? This is a psychological advantage Manny. Use it.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Man-E-Faces Ramirez sat yesterday following a horrific collision with shortstop Edgar Renteria on Wednesday night. Lest anyone assume that Manny is faking, the Globe printed a picture of Manny’s blood filled right eye on the front page of the sports section. (Note: Jose is eagerly anticipating certain bigots on WEEI claiming that Manny is just wearing contact lenses that create the illusion of blood in order to get out of playing.)
Jose knows exactly how this feels. When he was a sophomore in high school he took a thumb to the eye while playing pickup basketball and ended up with a crimson eyeball for the better part of a month. Jose wavered for a few days between wearing an eye patch and sunglasses to school before finally settling on the sunglasses because they made in far easier to sleep in class.
Here’s what Jose learned from the experience—bloody eyeballs are gross. People are tempted to look at them, but are disgusted by what they see. They unsettle people; they disturb them. This can be a weapon Manny, and Jose urges you to use it. When you step in tonight against Twins starter Brad Radke open your eyes wide and make sure he gets a good look; consider bringing a magnifying glass to the plate so he’ll be sure to see every ruptured corpuscle. If the doctors have proscribed ointment to deal with it, why not put it in while standing in the batter’s box? Talk about how it oozes. Do you think Radke has the constitution to deal with that? This is a psychological advantage Manny. Use it.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Thursday, August 4
8/4/05 – And Batting Clean Up Roberto Petagine
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
Have you ever had a few too many beers and done something you wish you hadn’t? Not Jose. Never. Well at least not until last night. Jose is ashamed to admit it, but after his fifth or sixth beer he got a little tipsy and… God it’s embarrassing even to whisper it. Uggh…
It’s not that Jose is anti-wave. In fact, he sort of likes it within certain well defined boundaries. The wave is fine whenever the opposing team is batting in the fifth, sixth or seventh innings as long as the Sox have the lead. But Jose, as best he can recall, gave it a shot in the eighth inning with the Sox at bat. Just bad form… terrible.
But there is an explanation for all of this. This was not about starting the wave. That would be lame. This was about starting a delayed wave, which is a sophisticated Dadaist commentary on contemporary mores. Jose’s brother Sam Melendez is the inventor of the delayed wave concept, an idea marvelous in its simplicity. All one has to do is wait until three seconds after the wave goes by and then stand up and do the wave. The Wave, as anyone who saw the after school special “The Wave” about a high school where a history starts a fascist movement called The Wave to show his students that Nazism could happen anywhere, is a metaphor for from the breakdown of individual identity when one submits to the compact unity of a fascist state. The delayed wave is a rejection of complete submission to the dominant strain of social organization without rejecting the organizing principles themselves. Or it is something that is amusing to do while drunk. Both characterizations are good.
Last night we had almost all of section 36 organized to do the delayed wave, and then the idiots trying to start the wave in the sixth inning couldn’t get the job done. Jose was left in the uncomfortable position of trying to start a wave in order to create the possibility of the delayed wave. This is like trying to hit a sacrifice fly as the first batter of an inning. It is simply absurd. And so, the internal contradictions of Jose’s plan collapsed the intellectual superstructure of the idea leaving a smoking intellectual carcass in the bleachers.
(Note: Jose would like to point out that if we had traded Manny last night’s painful collision between Manny and Edgar Renterria would not have happened. Not only, would Mike Cameron have been in the collision rather than Manny, but ER would have been much less hurt, as Mike Cameron’s head is famously soft and malleable.)
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Have you ever had a few too many beers and done something you wish you hadn’t? Not Jose. Never. Well at least not until last night. Jose is ashamed to admit it, but after his fifth or sixth beer he got a little tipsy and… God it’s embarrassing even to whisper it
It’s not that Jose is anti-wave. In fact, he sort of likes it within certain well defined boundaries. The wave is fine whenever the opposing team is batting in the fifth, sixth or seventh innings as long as the Sox have the lead. But Jose, as best he can recall, gave it a shot in the eighth inning with the Sox at bat. Just bad form… terrible.
But there is an explanation for all of this. This was not about starting the wave. That would be lame. This was about starting a delayed wave, which is a sophisticated Dadaist commentary on contemporary mores. Jose’s brother Sam Melendez is the inventor of the delayed wave concept, an idea marvelous in its simplicity. All one has to do is wait until three seconds after the wave goes by and then stand up and do the wave. The Wave, as anyone who saw the after school special “The Wave” about a high school where a history starts a fascist movement called The Wave to show his students that Nazism could happen anywhere, is a metaphor for from the breakdown of individual identity when one submits to the compact unity of a fascist state. The delayed wave is a rejection of complete submission to the dominant strain of social organization without rejecting the organizing principles themselves. Or it is something that is amusing to do while drunk. Both characterizations are good.
Last night we had almost all of section 36 organized to do the delayed wave, and then the idiots trying to start the wave in the sixth inning couldn’t get the job done. Jose was left in the uncomfortable position of trying to start a wave in order to create the possibility of the delayed wave. This is like trying to hit a sacrifice fly as the first batter of an inning. It is simply absurd. And so, the internal contradictions of Jose’s plan collapsed the intellectual superstructure of the idea leaving a smoking intellectual carcass in the bleachers.
(Note: Jose would like to point out that if we had traded Manny last night’s painful collision between Manny and Edgar Renterria would not have happened. Not only, would Mike Cameron have been in the collision rather than Manny, but ER would have been much less hurt, as Mike Cameron’s head is famously soft and malleable.)
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Wednesday, August 3
8/3/05 –Jose goes for 10-1
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
(Note: For those of you who wasked about KEYS merchandise at the Bash it is available here.)1. Now that Man-E-Faces Ramirez has claimed “It’s Just Manny Being Manny” as his own personal tagline, Jose thinks it’s time that we look at the potential marketing opportunities. To that end, Jose Melendez is proud to present some possible ad copy.
“Hi, I’m Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez. I like hitting the ball, hiding in the wall and eating delicious tuna salad. But when I eat my tuna salad, I don’t want it made with Miracle Whip or oil, for me it’s not tuna salad unless it’s made with real Mayonnaise—Hellman’s Mayonnaise. So the next time you’re at the super market remember: Hellman’s—It’s Just Mayonnaise Being Mayonnaise.”
“This is Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Like a lot of you, I’m a big fan of the fine arts. But when I want some culture, I’m not looking for pointillism, cubism, Dadaism or any of this modernist crap. That’s why I like to visit the impressionist galleries at the Museum of Fine Arts. Because at the MFA it’s just Manet Being Manet.”
“Shalom. This is World Series MVP Manny Ramirez. The high holidays are just around the corner and you know what that means? Wine. Whenever Gabe Kapler, Kevin Youkilis, Adam Stern or Theo Epstein chat with me about Rosh Hashanah dinner they always ask me ‘Manny, I was thinking about trying a dryer sacred wine tonight. What do you think?’ And I always give the same response. ‘Stick with Manischewitz in delicious concord grape, boysenberry and black cherry flavors. Sure, it’s a sweeter wine, but isn’t sweet how you’d like your new year to be? Remember with Manischewitz, the first name in kosher wines, It’s Just Mani [schewitz] being Mani [schewitz].’”
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
(Note: For those of you who wasked about KEYS merchandise at the Bash it is available here.)1. Now that Man-E-Faces Ramirez has claimed “It’s Just Manny Being Manny” as his own personal tagline, Jose thinks it’s time that we look at the potential marketing opportunities. To that end, Jose Melendez is proud to present some possible ad copy.
“Hi, I’m Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez. I like hitting the ball, hiding in the wall and eating delicious tuna salad. But when I eat my tuna salad, I don’t want it made with Miracle Whip or oil, for me it’s not tuna salad unless it’s made with real Mayonnaise—Hellman’s Mayonnaise. So the next time you’re at the super market remember: Hellman’s—It’s Just Mayonnaise Being Mayonnaise.”
“This is Manny Ramirez of the Boston Red Sox. Like a lot of you, I’m a big fan of the fine arts. But when I want some culture, I’m not looking for pointillism, cubism, Dadaism or any of this modernist crap. That’s why I like to visit the impressionist galleries at the Museum of Fine Arts. Because at the MFA it’s just Manet Being Manet.”
“Shalom. This is World Series MVP Manny Ramirez. The high holidays are just around the corner and you know what that means? Wine. Whenever Gabe Kapler, Kevin Youkilis, Adam Stern or Theo Epstein chat with me about Rosh Hashanah dinner they always ask me ‘Manny, I was thinking about trying a dryer sacred wine tonight. What do you think?’ And I always give the same response. ‘Stick with Manischewitz in delicious concord grape, boysenberry and black cherry flavors. Sure, it’s a sweeter wine, but isn’t sweet how you’d like your new year to be? Remember with Manischewitz, the first name in kosher wines, It’s Just Mani [schewitz] being Mani [schewitz].’”
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Tuesday, August 2
8/2/05 – Jose goes for 9-1
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Strike up the band—
And play something peppy. How about the “Popeye the Sailor Man” theme? Yes, Jose knows you’re a classically trained musician and you studied at Julliard, but this is Jose’s dime and you’ll play what you’re told.
Let Manny be Manny,Though he’s kind of uncanny,Cause he’s still a Red Sox man. (Toot, toot)
Yeah…that’s the stuff.
(Note: Come on. You know that “I am what I am bit was written about Manny. It has to have been.)
Apparently, the Red Sox made several efforts over the weekend to trade star slugger Man-E-Faces Ramirez prior to the trading deadline. Really. Yes, yes, Jose knows it sounds crazy, what with them being in first place and all, but it actually happened.
Jose had no idea, of course, as he tends not to read the sports page, just foolish men distracting themselves with vulgar games to Jose’s mind. But then, while reading the op-ed section of the Boston Globe today, Jose noticed a piece by noted conspiracy theorist Joan Vennochi sandwiched in between the latest picayune jape by Thomas Oliphant and James Carroll’s latest highly literate condemnation of God knows what.
Now, Vennochi has been known to be a little out there, so Jose checked carefully with some of his inside sources, and it turns out it’s true. The Red Sox really did try to trade the modern day Jimmie Foxx.
Even considering trading Manny and prospects for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is a sign of madness. And now that management has acquired light fielding outfielder Jose Cruz Jr., Jose is worried that things could get much worse.
Jose is deeply concerned that Cruz may go on one of those anti-psychiatry rants that his brother Tom has been on lately, and convince Theo and the Magi not to take the meds they so desperately need to escape delusions like the hallucination that the proposed deal was even remotely acceptable. If that happens, who knows what they might do next. They could even do something as irrational as leaving Roberto Petagine in Pawtucket until September call ups.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Strike up the band—
And play something peppy. How about the “Popeye the Sailor Man” theme? Yes, Jose knows you’re a classically trained musician and you studied at Julliard, but this is Jose’s dime and you’ll play what you’re told.
Let Manny be Manny,Though he’s kind of uncanny,Cause he’s still a Red Sox man. (Toot, toot)
Yeah…that’s the stuff.
(Note: Come on. You know that “I am what I am bit was written about Manny. It has to have been.)
Apparently, the Red Sox made several efforts over the weekend to trade star slugger Man-E-Faces Ramirez prior to the trading deadline. Really. Yes, yes, Jose knows it sounds crazy, what with them being in first place and all, but it actually happened.
Jose had no idea, of course, as he tends not to read the sports page, just foolish men distracting themselves with vulgar games to Jose’s mind. But then, while reading the op-ed section of the Boston Globe today, Jose noticed a piece by noted conspiracy theorist Joan Vennochi sandwiched in between the latest picayune jape by Thomas Oliphant and James Carroll’s latest highly literate condemnation of God knows what.
Now, Vennochi has been known to be a little out there, so Jose checked carefully with some of his inside sources, and it turns out it’s true. The Red Sox really did try to trade the modern day Jimmie Foxx.
Even considering trading Manny and prospects for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is a sign of madness. And now that management has acquired light fielding outfielder Jose Cruz Jr., Jose is worried that things could get much worse.
Jose is deeply concerned that Cruz may go on one of those anti-psychiatry rants that his brother Tom has been on lately, and convince Theo and the Magi not to take the meds they so desperately need to escape delusions like the hallucination that the proposed deal was even remotely acceptable. If that happens, who knows what they might do next. They could even do something as irrational as leaving Roberto Petagine in Pawtucket until September call ups.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
Saturday, July 30
7/30/05 – Sons of Sam Horn Bash Edition
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Cut the music—
Jose is a reasonable man. He has an above average IQ. He suffers from no mental illnesses. He has not endured any recent head trauma. So he knows that it is simply not possible that the Red Sox are actually considering trading Man-E-Faces Ramirez AND PROSPECTS for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron in a three way deal. (Note: Normally, Jose supports three ways on principle, but this he cannot abide.) He knows this can’t possibly be happening because in order for the Red Sox to actually make this deal, they would have to have reached the conclusion that the consequences of having Manny out of the line up for one game are so grave, so deleterious that the only solution is to get is bat out of the line up for every game henceforth. And that’s just plain silly. In other news from the Two Minutes Hate, the Red Sox have decided to treat Trot Nixon’s strained oblique with leeches and announced that Oceania is at war with Eurasia and always has been.
As Jose left last night’s game (note: with a 7-1 record), he heard a yokel on his cell phone exclaim that Manny had been traded to the Mets. Jose’s heart sank, and his bile rose along with his blood pressure. If Jose’s friend Tom had not learned right then with his new fangled Internet phone that the deal had not been completed, it is quite possible that Jose would have had an aneurysm right then and there and spent the rest of his life wearing a batting helmet while writing KEYS… you know just to make sure he doesn’t get hit by any screaming line drives while he is working.
Look, Jose knows that Manny can be frustrating , but at the end of the day he produces, and as long as he is putting up numbers and not preventing anyone else from putting up numbers, the Red Sox are better, a lot better with him than without him. But Jose should be fair, maybe we should take a serious look at what we would be getting in return in this deal? Let’s see, Cameron is batting .264 with 10 home runs and 32 RBI. Huff is batting .270 with 13 home runs and 63 RBI, so combined that gives them a batting average under .270, 23 home runs and 95 RBI in comparison with Manny’s .273 with 28 homers and 92 RBI. So maybe Jose was completely wrong about this deal. As long as the Red Sox have some mad scientists who can splice Cameron and Huff into one player who equals the sum of his parts, this deal is absolutely fair… IF YOU DON’T THROW IN ANY PROSPECTS!!!!!!!!!! But if the Red Sox do not have such technology, or if they do and it violates all standards of bioethics and human decency, we have to accept that the difference in talent between Manny Ramirez and the tandem of Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is so huge that as a practical matter we might as well be trading for Charlie Hough and Kirk Cameron. (Note: Though Jose is talking about Kirk Cameron when he was in Growing Pains at the top of his game, not the dried up has been of Kirk and Company or whatever the heck it was called.)
In the final analysis, this trade is so lopsided, so manifestly bad for this year’s Red Sox that Jose half expects to hear that the Mets have agreed to throw in Center Andrew Lang to sweeten their offer.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
1. Cut the music—
Jose is a reasonable man. He has an above average IQ. He suffers from no mental illnesses. He has not endured any recent head trauma. So he knows that it is simply not possible that the Red Sox are actually considering trading Man-E-Faces Ramirez AND PROSPECTS for Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron in a three way deal. (Note: Normally, Jose supports three ways on principle, but this he cannot abide.) He knows this can’t possibly be happening because in order for the Red Sox to actually make this deal, they would have to have reached the conclusion that the consequences of having Manny out of the line up for one game are so grave, so deleterious that the only solution is to get is bat out of the line up for every game henceforth. And that’s just plain silly. In other news from the Two Minutes Hate, the Red Sox have decided to treat Trot Nixon’s strained oblique with leeches and announced that Oceania is at war with Eurasia and always has been.
As Jose left last night’s game (note: with a 7-1 record), he heard a yokel on his cell phone exclaim that Manny had been traded to the Mets. Jose’s heart sank, and his bile rose along with his blood pressure. If Jose’s friend Tom had not learned right then with his new fangled Internet phone that the deal had not been completed, it is quite possible that Jose would have had an aneurysm right then and there and spent the rest of his life wearing a batting helmet while writing KEYS… you know just to make sure he doesn’t get hit by any screaming line drives while he is working.
Look, Jose knows that Manny can be frustrating , but at the end of the day he produces, and as long as he is putting up numbers and not preventing anyone else from putting up numbers, the Red Sox are better, a lot better with him than without him. But Jose should be fair, maybe we should take a serious look at what we would be getting in return in this deal? Let’s see, Cameron is batting .264 with 10 home runs and 32 RBI. Huff is batting .270 with 13 home runs and 63 RBI, so combined that gives them a batting average under .270, 23 home runs and 95 RBI in comparison with Manny’s .273 with 28 homers and 92 RBI. So maybe Jose was completely wrong about this deal. As long as the Red Sox have some mad scientists who can splice Cameron and Huff into one player who equals the sum of his parts, this deal is absolutely fair… IF YOU DON’T THROW IN ANY PROSPECTS!!!!!!!!!! But if the Red Sox do not have such technology, or if they do and it violates all standards of bioethics and human decency, we have to accept that the difference in talent between Manny Ramirez and the tandem of Aubrey Huff and Mike Cameron is so huge that as a practical matter we might as well be trading for Charlie Hough and Kirk Cameron. (Note: Though Jose is talking about Kirk Cameron when he was in Growing Pains at the top of his game, not the dried up has been of Kirk and Company or whatever the heck it was called.)
In the final analysis, this trade is so lopsided, so manifestly bad for this year’s Red Sox that Jose half expects to hear that the Mets have agreed to throw in Center Andrew Lang to sweeten their offer.
For the complete KEYS visit www.wallballsingle.com
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