August 30 - KEYS TO THE OLYMPICS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE OLYMPICS.

Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Damn it Jose, the Olympics are over. We just endured two weeks of archery, shot put and gymnastics judging controversies, and NOW your’re writing about it?"

Yes, yes Jose is. Because Jose has thoughts that need to be shared, shared with everyone who comes here for average to below average non-baseball content even though they get plenty of slightly above average baseball content from Jose on SoSH game threads.

What Jose probably likes the best about the summer Olympics is that they remind him of the carefree field days in elementary school. (Note: Jose actually prefers the Winter Olympics. He finds that because the sports are lower profile, it has a greater sense of purity than the over-hyped and over-commercialized Summer Olympics.) Once a year, Jose’s elementary school would have a field day for each grade over at the high school track with events like high jump and the 50 yard dash. Winners would receive colorful ribbons and the pride that comes from knowing that you can out run or out jump your fellow eight year olds. What Jose doesn’t like about the Olympics is where they differ from the field days of yore. With the goal of making the Olympics more like Field Day, Jose suggests they add the following events: (Note: Jose knows that lots of people do columns suggesting the addition of comical Olympic events. The difference here is that Jose is serious. He really would like to see these events in the Olympics.)

1. Three legged race -- Jose hates seeing those fast people run around the drag like they’re so
much better than us. You know what would slow them down? If they were tied to someone else. Also, it could provide an opportunity for ex-cons who did time on chain gangs to rejoin society and contribute.

2. Crazy sneaker race -- Do you remember this one? Participants take off their sneakers and place them in a jumbled pile 40 yards away from the starting line. Then, when the gun sounds, they race from the starting line down to the pile of sneakers, find their sneakers, put their sneakers on and then race back. Maybe this wouldn’t actual appeal to Jose so much, but Jose bets the International Olympic Committee would love it. Think of the marketing dollars they could get from the sneaker companies!

(Note: Jose used to make sure that he owned at least one pair of Velcro shoes so he could have a leg up in the crazy sneaker race. This is the elementary school equivalent of doping isn’t it? Good think they didn’t test for Velcro.)

3. Tug of war – This actually used to be an Olympic sport, right down to the controversy (according to ESPN Page 2 there was some sort of scandal involving weighted shoes.) Jose doesn’t think they should actually have an Olympic Tug of War team. That would just be silly. Jose simply thinks they should have a tug of war as the last event of the Olympics with each country submitting a team of five men and five women who are Olympians in other sports. Wouldn’t this be a much more entertaining way to end the Olympics then with Greek pop stars?

(Note in lieu of a forbidden fourth KEY: In 1960, Jose’s father, aunt and Grandmother presented Jose’s grandfather with a gold medal for his performance as a member of the 1960 U.S. Olympic Sleeping Team. Jose would like to see competitive sleeping added to the Olympics if for no other reason than saying "German Olympic Sleeping Team" in German "Deutsche Olympische Schlafmanschaft" sounds freaking great.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE OLYMPICS.