From SoSH: Re: 9/14 Tampa vs Boston

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The most interesting result of Sunday’s game has been the lack of criticism of Manny Ramirez for his counting error in the first inning. (Note: Maybe we should have a team accountant to keep track for him.) This is the sort of think people get mocked for. George Will mocked Trot Nixon for it at BU graduation one year. Jose imagines William F. Buckley probably ripped Ted Williams for the same thing once upon a time. And perhaps in the future Anne Coulter will rip Allen Iverson for forgetting about the number of outs. Wait Allen Iverson doesn’t play baseball? He plays basketball, where there are no outs? So it would be impossible for that accusation to be true? Well don’t worry, that won’t keep Coulter from saying it. (Note: It is completely unfair for Jose to group principled, intelligent conservatives like Will and Buckley, who Jose respects even if he deeply believes everything they stand for is wrong, with Coulter an unprincipled, unintelligent harpy. Sorry about that.)

Moving away from the mischievous undertow of politics that drive down Jose’s broad appeal and back to Manny, Jose has had a hard time believing what he heard. It might have been too early in the morning for him to have heard correctly, but Jose is pretty sure that the despicable Gerry Callahan, always ready to attack minority athletes (Note: Jose thought about not writing this, but he really thinks it’s true gave Manny a free pass. Even more surprisingly, Dan Shaughnessy seems to have been able to forgive Manny. Much like the proverbial Grinch, Shaughnessy’s heart appears to have grown three sizes in quite the short span.

Tony Castrati, never quite as dour as Callahan or Shaughnessy was also forgiving, but let’s take a look at what he really meant. Back when Tony was a girl

What TC says: "About once a month, the laws of nature dictate that Manny Ramirez will suffer from mental cramps."

What TC means: "Manny was just going through male menstruation yesterday. I guess, I came up with this metaphor since our next series is against Tampax Bay. Not that I made that up or anything.

What TC says: "All you can do is hope that they don't come at the wrong time."

What TC means: Because if it comes at the wrong time it can be really embarrassing. When I was sixteen, I was at the movies and I was sitting on my legs and was wearing white knee socks. When the movie ended and the lights came back on, I discovered that my socks were covered in blood because my…wait, I’ve already said too much.

What TC says: "Ramirez' brain locked up like a zoo gate."

What TC means: OK enough menstruation analogies, let’s move directly on to caged wild animals. Maybe this one next. "Ramirez’s mistake was worse than a discount lion safari." (Note: Apologies to the Simpsons.)

What TC says: "Sox third base coach Dale Sveum suggested that Ramirez simply misread Varitek's liner."

What TC means: Is Dale Sveum saying Manny is illiterate? Do I smell a scoop?

What TC says: "Making it mathematically impossible for there to be more than one out."

What TC means: He can’t do math either, but I’m not going to just out and out call him stupid.

What TC says: "Manny Magoo."

What TC means: Manny is also blind. (Note: This one actually annoys Jose. TC is just totaling butchering a cartoon analogy. This is like calling him Manny E. Coyote because he always fails to catch the roadrunner. It just doesn’t make any sense.)

What TC says: "Trying to explain Ramirez' thinking can be like trying to determine the cause behind a crying, inconsolable infant. You can come up theories, but the reality is you just never know for sure. Eventually, however, the crying stops. And all you can do is focus on the good things."

What TC means: I am a new father, and I think that I have invented fatherhood. (Note: In all seriousness, it’s great that you’re enjoying your child. Jose is genuinely happy for you, but this is not the place for this analogy. Do we have 18 years of child rearing sports analogies ahead of us.

Actually, Jose should not be so quick to judge. Jose was trying to organize a public meeting a few weeks ago for work, and he suggested that instead of offering a morning time or an evening time, on which the attendees would never agree, we should offer only two different evening times. "Do you want the meeting at 5 or 7?" Jose suggested we ask. It would be like asking a child "Do you want to use your red toothbrush or your blue toothbrush?" rather than asking "Do you want to brush your teeth?" It creates the illusion of choice. Jose has no children and all of his bosses do, so they looked at him like he was nuts, but Jose insists the metaphor was valid, more so than TC’s anyway.)

3.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

Wait, Jose thought that was the third KEY. Nuts. He must have lost count.