From SoSH: Re: 9/28: Bos v. TB: Lowe v. Halama

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Now that the Sox have officially clinched a playoff spot, we really do have the right to start looking ahead. And yet Jose cannot. He is still fixated on the scene last night as the Red Sox celebrated their playoff birth by pouring Bud Light’s over each other. (Note: To all those who say that the Red Sox should not celebrate a wild card birth excessively, Jose says it was not excessive, at all. They celebrated with Bud Light, a wholly appropriate beverage for a wild card birth. If they win the division perhaps they could upgrade to Rolling Rock. Then once they win the Division Series, they can dump Sam Adams on each other. After they win the ALCS they can dump Guinness on each other. Finally, when they win the World Series, they can celebrate with rare Kelt beer available only in Slovakia the best beer Jose has ever tasted. If they had been dumping Kelt on each other last night, that would have been excessive.)
What has always transfixed Jose about the locker room scenes is the fact that no one ever gets electrocuted. Why not? Jose doesn’t know too much about electricity, but he knows that it doesn’t mix with liquid. At the same time, Jose knows that his walkman doesn’t kill him when it’s raining. That said, surely TV cameras have more juice than a walkman? Until Jose learns why Eric Frede isn’t a smoking carcass, he just won’t be able to look ahead to the division series. (Note: Up next, Jose looks ahead to the Division Series.)

2. According to the Boston Globe, Scott Williamson has been given the next five games to improve his velocity and demonstrate that he can pitch in back to back games, or he will be left off the post season roster.

While Williamson is sure to be disappointed by this news, he can at least take comfort in the fact that his absence from the post season roster is likely to improve his oral health. As you may recall, Williamson’s 2003 post season was marred by an unsightly cold sore that manger Grady Little attributed to the intense stress of postseason pitching. Allegedly, the stress demonstrated by the cold sore was one reason Grady declined to use Williamson in Game 7. (Note: Could we get Pedro to start having a cold sore at the end of each 7th inning? That way the manager would know to pull him.) Without the stress, Williamson can look forward to a cold sore free October, and Mrs. Williamson can look forward to some good lovin’.

3. Now we have to sit through days of wondering which of our aces will start game one and which two of our solid starters will start game three and four. Jose can’t take all of the fighting over it and all of the intrigue. He would much prefer to figure out which game to start Kent Merker or John Burkett or who is the number 2 starter, Tom Bolton or Dana Kiecker. (Note: These are actually playoff starting pitchers from Red Sox history. Sort of hard to believe isn’t it?)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.