It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Thanks to the new warrantless wiretapping law, Jose, with his Bush Administration connections, was able to tap the bullpen phone two nights ago and listen to the conversation between Manager Terry Eurona and bullpen coach Gary Tuck. See if you can spot the terror threat in the following exchange.
Tuck: (In a falsetto) Hello, bullpen, how may I direct your call.
Tito: God damn it Tuck, I know it’s you, will you stop doing that.
Tuck: Mr. Tuck has stepped away from his desk for a moment. If it is I can try to find him.
Tito: We need to get a pitcher warming.
Tuck: One moment, let me put you on hold while I look (starts humming The Girl from Ipanema.) Thank you for your patience I’ll transfer you now.
(beep)
Voice Mail: Hi you’ve reached Kyle Snyder’s line, I’ve stepped away for a moment but if you leave a message, I’ll return your call as soon as possible.
(Tito slams the phone down in aggravation, then picks it up again)
Tuck: (In a falsetto) Hello, bullpen, how may I direct your call.
Tito: TUCK!
Tuck: One moment please… (then in a normal voice) Hello, Tuck here.
Tito: What the hell are you doing Tuck?
Tuck: Sorry about the new girl, she’s just figuring out the phones. We shouldn’t have sent down Lopez, he could really work a switchboard. Great phone voice too.
Tito: Curt’s hurting here, we need to get someone up.
Tuck: Sure. We’re a little backed up this inning. So let’s look at the schedule. Can you be available between the 8th and 9th? I should be able to send a reliever out somewhere in that window.
Tito: You’re the bullpen coach. Get someone up NOW!
Tuck: Sir, yelling isn’t going to help. I have a lot of other customers ahead of you in line.
Tito: NO YOU DON’T I’M THE ONLY PERSON YOU WORK FOR.
Tuck: I see… Okay, what’s your order.
Tito: We’re only down one, get up Gagne.
Tuck: I’m sorry, Gagne’s not available right now. I could get him to you tomorrow.
Tito: Then Okajima.
Tuck: You could do that, but let me tell you from experience, that’s not what you want to do here. Yeah, he’s high quality, but it’s not the right fit.
Tito: Papelbon then?
Tuck: I can put Papelbon on back order and have him to you by the ninth. Would that work, maybe the eighth if we really push it. But the 7th? No way, can’t be done.
Tito: (sighs) I can’t leave Curt in. If I do, the lead is going to blow up in a hurry. What can you get me now?
Tuck: I can get you Julian Tavarez. He’s not fancy, but solid, workmanlike, should do the job, and I can get him to you fast. Either that or Kyle Snyder.
Tito: Snyder’s not there, I got his voicemail.
Tuck: Then let’s go with Tavarez, I’ll get him loose, and you’ll have him in no time.
Tito: Great.
Tuck: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Tito: Uh no… I guess I’m good.
Tuck: Then thank you for using Bullpen Express for all of your relief needs.
Tito: You’re fired.
Did you spot the terror threat? It’s subtle, but Tito threatened to “blow up” things if he did not get his way. Thank God we have a transcript
2. In all of the hullabaloo about whether Barry Bonds did or did not use steroids on his march to 756 (note: he did), there are equally important issues that have gone completely unaddressed. Not he least of these is the critical question of why Barry Bonds hates America.
This is the nation of his birth, the nation that gave him opportunity and made him a wealthy man, and how does he repay us? His spits on us (note: metaphorically).
For much of his march towards Aaron’s record and last night when he left it splintered like so many slivers of ash after a Papelbon fastball, Bonds was using… get ready… a Canadian bat.
That’s right. Rather than supporting the U.S. economy and creating American jobs, he exports and outsources, bat construction to foreigners, who care not for us and our way of life, foreigners whose customs and tongue, who’s creed and dress are perplexing to the average American who has cheered Bonds through his career.
Rather than taking his pick from the white ash forests of Maine, he betrays us, selecting harder wood from the Canadian Maple or as Jose calls it “the treachery tree.”
And do you know what they are doing to the north? They are laughing at us! They are laughing! Jose has not done any checking, but he has no doubt that the Canadians are jubilantly talking about how “American slugger Barry Bonds with his Canadian made bat broke the home run record.” This is what they do, these Canadians. David Rakoff, a Canadian writer, win an appearance on This American Life claimed that the space shuttle, our space shuttle, is referred to in Canada as the American Space Shuttle with its Canadian arm,” as its mechanical arm is of Canadian stock.
This is no different. Like NASA, Bonds has allowed himself to be a tool of the pernicious, pervasive and unrelenting Canadian cultural imperialism that is slowly, slowly eating away at the fabric of American life like so many beetles chomping on the white ash of New York state.
For shame.
3. In a final note on the Bonds saga, his 756th home run came off Washington’s Mike Bacsik, whose father once faced Hank Aaron when Aaron was looking, unsuccessfully for his 756th home run. Whatever you think of him, you’ve got to give Bonds credit. Hitting a home run off of a giant snake who’s look can kill you has got to be tricky.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Showing posts with label Bonds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bonds. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8
Wednesday, July 25
Use Only As Directed
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Hello, this is blogger Jose Melendez, and Jose would like to tell you about a revolutionary new treatment that changed his life.
Like a lot of you Red Sox fans, Jose suffers from anxiety. He never thought it was a big deal, just a base level of nervousness that sort of follows him through life. He’s the sort of guy who worries that if he doesn’t bring an umbrella it’s going to rain and if he does that he’ll get stuck schlepping it around all day. He gets nervous about whether his train will arrive on time, and then while he’s on it, he gets nervous that it will be knocked off the rails by Godzilla or possible Mothra.
Sound familiar? It sure does. Do you sometimes feel like Calvin Schiraldi in the postseason? Do you rock like Leo Mazzone or an Orthodox Jew in prayer, during those stressful late innings?
Well, now there’s a treatment. About four months ago, Jose discovered a treatment for anxiety that has changed his life. And the best thing about it is you don’t need it everyday. When the stress adds up, it’s there for you with immediate, scientifically-proven relief for your toughest anxiety symptoms.
Whether you’re worried about a lefty or a righty, Hideki Okajima takes care of the anxiety fast.
(Note: What, you thought Jose was going to say valium?)
Ask your Doctor if Hideki Okajima is right for you.
(Warning: Hideki Okajima may not be right for you. Hideki Okajima may cause drowsiness, lethargy or burning during urination. If Hideki Okajima causes an erection lasting longer than four hours, please consult your doctor. Women who are pregnant or may be come pregnant should not handle Hideki Okajima. Hideki Okajima may become addictive with prolonged use. Use Hideki Okajima only as directed.)
2. In an episode of The Simpsons entitled “The Wife Aquatic” which originally aired on January 7, 2007, Moe Syzlak, sensing that Homer, who is working as a fisherman, is in danger says “I just got this strange feeling Homer's in trouble.”
Lenny Leonard, Homer’s fellow barfly quickly adds “That's weird I just got this strange feeling some guy I don't know named Fausto is in trouble.”
Is that not incredibly weird? How on Earth did Lenny know that the Red Sox are going to absolutely Indians starter Fausto Carmona is in serious trouble tonight against the Red Sox? Creepy.
1. Hello, this is blogger Jose Melendez, and Jose would like to tell you about a revolutionary new treatment that changed his life.
Like a lot of you Red Sox fans, Jose suffers from anxiety. He never thought it was a big deal, just a base level of nervousness that sort of follows him through life. He’s the sort of guy who worries that if he doesn’t bring an umbrella it’s going to rain and if he does that he’ll get stuck schlepping it around all day. He gets nervous about whether his train will arrive on time, and then while he’s on it, he gets nervous that it will be knocked off the rails by Godzilla or possible Mothra.
Sound familiar? It sure does. Do you sometimes feel like Calvin Schiraldi in the postseason? Do you rock like Leo Mazzone or an Orthodox Jew in prayer, during those stressful late innings?
Well, now there’s a treatment. About four months ago, Jose discovered a treatment for anxiety that has changed his life. And the best thing about it is you don’t need it everyday. When the stress adds up, it’s there for you with immediate, scientifically-proven relief for your toughest anxiety symptoms.
Whether you’re worried about a lefty or a righty, Hideki Okajima takes care of the anxiety fast.
(Note: What, you thought Jose was going to say valium?)
Ask your Doctor if Hideki Okajima is right for you.
(Warning: Hideki Okajima may not be right for you. Hideki Okajima may cause drowsiness, lethargy or burning during urination. If Hideki Okajima causes an erection lasting longer than four hours, please consult your doctor. Women who are pregnant or may be come pregnant should not handle Hideki Okajima. Hideki Okajima may become addictive with prolonged use. Use Hideki Okajima only as directed.)
2. In an episode of The Simpsons entitled “The Wife Aquatic” which originally aired on January 7, 2007, Moe Syzlak, sensing that Homer, who is working as a fisherman, is in danger says “I just got this strange feeling Homer's in trouble.”
Lenny Leonard, Homer’s fellow barfly quickly adds “That's weird I just got this strange feeling some guy I don't know named Fausto is in trouble.”
Is that not incredibly weird? How on Earth did Lenny know that the Red Sox are going to absolutely Indians starter Fausto Carmona is in serious trouble tonight against the Red Sox? Creepy.
Tonight's Cleveland Starter (pictured
right) is in trouble.
3. Dear God Bud Selig is a coward. After indicating that he would not attend games in which Barry Bonds could tie or break Hank Aaron’s home run record, the Commissioner announced yesterday that he would attend these games to the extent that they did not interfere with his obligations with the Hall-of-Fame induction. Selig has further indicated that he will not participate in any on field ceremonies and that the game will not be halted to honor the achievement. Count Jose as skeptical.
So Jose is going to lay down a gauntlet, draw a line in the sand, establish legal residency in the proverbial tax-free New Hampshire right now. He is not going to attend any of the games where Bonds might break Aaron’s record. Jose vows he will not travel to a single game where it could happen. He will not go on the field, he will not go in the locker room, he will not share a hug with Bonds. If Bonds invites Jose over for cigars and roast pheasant, he will decline. If Bonds offers him a back rub, he shall, in the word of Thor, “say thee nay.”
Unlike the King of the Combovers, Jose will stands firm and resolute in his opposition to honoring the Duke of the cream and the clear
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Monday, June 18
Learning to Love Bonds
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. He like us. He really likes us.
Yes, it turns out that Barry Bonds “The Dirtiest Player in the Game” to borrow a epithet from Ric Flair, discovered that he likes Boston. During a press conference Bonds told the local media “This is a beautiful ballpark. This is a beautiful city. San Francisco’s streets are a little bit dirty and stuff like that. Being around here and walking around town it’s very clean and a nice town.” Funny, Jose would have imagined that Bonds decided he like our little burg after the Boston Police Department steroids scandal broke. Go figure.
Yes, Barry Bonds likes us, and Jose is so… so… happy?
Jose doesn’t exactly understand why, but he is grateful, genuinely grateful and relieved that Bonds has nice things to say about Jose’s beloved city. For whatever reason, when it comes to Boston, Jose is like a puppy desperate to be patted on the hand and scratched behind the ears, even if it is my a cruel and drugged up stranger, with an enormous head and well-beyond 700 home runs.
Barry Bonds may like Boston, but Jose does not like Barry Bonds. He doesn’t like that Bonds is a cheater, and the fact that he appears to be near universally disliked by his teammates makes it worse. To Jose, being a jerk is a far bigger sin than being a cheater.
Bonds is arrogant, self-righteous and cocky beyond belief. And yet when Bonds condemned Boston as a “racist city” when the Sox were playing in San Francisco a few years ago it stung Jose. It shouldn’t have. It is not as though some giant of justice like Andrew Young or Spiderman was condemning Boston. It was Barry Bonds, among the most privileged, and nasty, athletes in U.S. history. But it still hurt.
Still, the cloying praise has had its effect, and Jose has now turned the corner on Bonds, and adopted a new, pro-Bonds perspective.
Barry Bonds is not using performance enhancing drugs. Nope. Someone with such nice things to say about Boston can’t be using steroids. It’s impossible. So Jose has come up with an alternative theory.
Sometime in the lat 1990s, Bonds was inadvertently subjected to a huge blast of gamma rays. It explains everything. When Dr. Bruce Banner was subjected to gamma rays he gained huge strength as The Hulk? Barry Bonds has gained huge strength, check! When laborer and high school dropout Samuel Stearns was bombarded by gamma radiation his head swelled to enormous proportions and he became know as The Leader, The Hulk’s arch enemy. Does Bonds have a giant head? Yup.
It’s well know that radiation will shrivel one’s testicles, so Bonds incredible shrinking balls are covered by the gamma ray theory as well.
The only question that remains is why didn’t Bonds turn green from the gamma rays? But there is an explanation. Bonds was green before. He was green with envy for all of the acclaim that fellow dopers Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were getting for their home run exploits. Since Bonds was already green, the gamma rays wouldn’t make him any greener. That said, they did add a lot of green to his bank account.
So congratulations to Barry Bonds on being cleared of steroid use. Jose recommends that, in order to clear up further confusion you take a super being nickname. Unfortunately, “The Abomination” is already taken by another gamma powered villain.
1. He like us. He really likes us.
Yes, it turns out that Barry Bonds “The Dirtiest Player in the Game” to borrow a epithet from Ric Flair, discovered that he likes Boston. During a press conference Bonds told the local media “This is a beautiful ballpark. This is a beautiful city. San Francisco’s streets are a little bit dirty and stuff like that. Being around here and walking around town it’s very clean and a nice town.” Funny, Jose would have imagined that Bonds decided he like our little burg after the Boston Police Department steroids scandal broke. Go figure.
Yes, Barry Bonds likes us, and Jose is so… so… happy?
Jose doesn’t exactly understand why, but he is grateful, genuinely grateful and relieved that Bonds has nice things to say about Jose’s beloved city. For whatever reason, when it comes to Boston, Jose is like a puppy desperate to be patted on the hand and scratched behind the ears, even if it is my a cruel and drugged up stranger, with an enormous head and well-beyond 700 home runs.
Barry Bonds may like Boston, but Jose does not like Barry Bonds. He doesn’t like that Bonds is a cheater, and the fact that he appears to be near universally disliked by his teammates makes it worse. To Jose, being a jerk is a far bigger sin than being a cheater.
Bonds is arrogant, self-righteous and cocky beyond belief. And yet when Bonds condemned Boston as a “racist city” when the Sox were playing in San Francisco a few years ago it stung Jose. It shouldn’t have. It is not as though some giant of justice like Andrew Young or Spiderman was condemning Boston. It was Barry Bonds, among the most privileged, and nasty, athletes in U.S. history. But it still hurt.
Still, the cloying praise has had its effect, and Jose has now turned the corner on Bonds, and adopted a new, pro-Bonds perspective.
Barry Bonds is not using performance enhancing drugs. Nope. Someone with such nice things to say about Boston can’t be using steroids. It’s impossible. So Jose has come up with an alternative theory.
Sometime in the lat 1990s, Bonds was inadvertently subjected to a huge blast of gamma rays. It explains everything. When Dr. Bruce Banner was subjected to gamma rays he gained huge strength as The Hulk? Barry Bonds has gained huge strength, check! When laborer and high school dropout Samuel Stearns was bombarded by gamma radiation his head swelled to enormous proportions and he became know as The Leader, The Hulk’s arch enemy. Does Bonds have a giant head? Yup.
It’s well know that radiation will shrivel one’s testicles, so Bonds incredible shrinking balls are covered by the gamma ray theory as well.
The only question that remains is why didn’t Bonds turn green from the gamma rays? But there is an explanation. Bonds was green before. He was green with envy for all of the acclaim that fellow dopers Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were getting for their home run exploits. Since Bonds was already green, the gamma rays wouldn’t make him any greener. That said, they did add a lot of green to his bank account.
So congratulations to Barry Bonds on being cleared of steroid use. Jose recommends that, in order to clear up further confusion you take a super being nickname. Unfortunately, “The Abomination” is already taken by another gamma powered villain.
Which is the real Barry Bonds?
2. As long as Jose is in a comics mood, he might as well address the new Fantastic Four film. Even though the first Fantastic Four film was a crime against comics, Jose was prepared to see the second one for no other reason than to see Galactus, the devourer of worlds who constantly eats planets to feed his ravenous hunger. Galactus is one of Jose’s all time favorite super villains, powerful and complex and with cool head gear. Also, he coined one of Jose’s favorite phrases “The Hunger Gnaws.” But then Jose learned several days ago that Galactus appears in the movie as just an enormous miasma of dust and debris. Thank God Jose found out before plunking down ten dollars to see the movie.
Do you know what that would have been like? It would have been like going to see a really horrible baseball team, let’s say the San Francisco Giants, just to see Barry Bonds play. You’re all excited and then when you get to the game, no Bonds. No, instead of Bonds, the Giants have a big cloud of dust batting cleanup. How lame would that be? Of course, the cloud of dust would play a superior leftfield to Bonds, but that’s not the point.
Now Batting Cleanup for the Giants
3. As you know, Jose is on his fourth year of writing KEYS now, and the rewards have been, modest, let’s say. A few books sold here, a T-shirt sold there. Maybe a grateful fan offers Jose a ticket to a game, which is nice, but Jose ends up always buying food and drink, because that’s the kind of guy he is. But now things are finally going Jose’s way. The world of public relations has finally gotten to the point where they have the wherewithal to do things like bribe Jose to write about their products.
Case in point, A&E television recently asked Jose to promote a number of
Red Sox products they are peddling at low, low prices. Here’s the email
they sent.
Hello from A&E Television Networks! I recently
came across your website http://www.keystothegame.blogspot.com/. I
think your visitors would appreciate reading a review or post about any of our
Red Sox DVD collections. You can view these products by clickingI would be happy to send you a free DVD or a gift certificate, in exchange
for a review or post on your site.I look forward to hearing from you
soon.Thanks,
PR Flack
That’s right, they didn’t ask Jose to do a review, they flat out bribed him to do it. And Jose says kudos! Jose want’s to be as clear as possible that this space is absolutely for sale to anyone who will give him schwag. Jose especially reaches out to the PR department for the WWF who keeps sending Jose press releases but has not offered him so much as a Steve Austin foam middle finger for his troubles.
Anyway, the 2004 Red Sox ALCS/World Series DVD collection came to Jose absolutely free the other day, and let Jose say, it is fantastic. He hasn’t opened it yet, but he watched it when it happened, and he remembers it being great. If you want this handsome set, normally priced at $129.95, you can get it now from A&E at a tremendous discount. All you have to do is start a Red Sox blog and get on their press list and they will send it to you absolutely free. It’s a tremendous value!
That or you can click on this link and pay for the privilege.
Either way, the important thing is that PR Flacks take note and send Jose more free stuff.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Friday, June 15
The New Look Giants
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
2. With Barry Bonds, a legend like it or not, coming to town for the first time tonight Jose would like to see his fellow Red Sox fans show some class and not crack out the crude and tired “Ste-roids, Ste-roids” chant. It’s old, its day is past, and it’s not even accurate. Bud Selig wishes Barry were only taking steroids, given the freaky, freaky things he puts into his body. And yet sadly, nothing rhymes with stanozolol.
Thus, Jose is going to offer a more sophisticated alternative taunt that reflects the modernization and increasing sophistication of performance enhancing drugs.
The clear, and the cream,
Without them, you’d hit like Sid Bream,
You screwed up your knees,
We blame it all on PEDs
Hank Aaron’s your foil,
But he din’ need no Flaxseed Oil
3. Red Sox Legend Dave Roberts makes his first appearance in Boston in uniform tonight since the 2004 World Series. And while it is hard to explain exactly how great a man Roberts is, Jose is going to try to do it in the only way he knows how: by discussing his commonalities with another sporting legend, Mr. Miyagi.
FACT: Both were born on Okinawa.
FACT: Both have spent time living in L.A.
FACT: Both have cool beards.
FACT: Both have appeared with Jay Leno (Note: Roberts on The Tonight Show, Miyagi in the movie Collision Course.)
FACT: Jose is really stretching right now, and he has about as much in the tank right now as St. Josh a Beckett did last night.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Jose is not much of a fashion plate. He would not thrive on Project Runway any more than Julio Lugo thrives at the top of the batting order… or the bottom of the batting order. Still, he does like to think he knows a little about uniforms and what makes a good one. Thus, he would like to make a humble suggestion to the visiting San Francisco Giants.
Yes, the orange and black is a classic look but don’t you ever want to try something at least a little bit different, a little bit fun? Sure you do, and what would you say if Jose told you that he had a uni idea that would also help you market more effectively to the Latino fans, who, according to Lou Dobbs, are overrunning your region? You’d say, “Absolutely Jose, what is it?”
Well, here it is. The Giants should start wearing the muscle suit worn by Latino professional wrestler The Giant Gonzales (note: a.k.a. El Gigante). Since Gonzalez was something of a bean pole (note: Think a Latin Manute Bol with less athletic ability), the late great Vincent Kennedy McMahon, may he rest in peace, dressed Gonzales in a skin tight suit that had muscles painted on to it and some impressive shoulder fur. The advantages for the Giants would be considerable. Not only would it be a sleek new look, the fake muscle suit would actually make Barry Bonds look less roided up.
Yes, the orange and black is a classic look but don’t you ever want to try something at least a little bit different, a little bit fun? Sure you do, and what would you say if Jose told you that he had a uni idea that would also help you market more effectively to the Latino fans, who, according to Lou Dobbs, are overrunning your region? You’d say, “Absolutely Jose, what is it?”
Well, here it is. The Giants should start wearing the muscle suit worn by Latino professional wrestler The Giant Gonzales (note: a.k.a. El Gigante). Since Gonzalez was something of a bean pole (note: Think a Latin Manute Bol with less athletic ability), the late great Vincent Kennedy McMahon, may he rest in peace, dressed Gonzales in a skin tight suit that had muscles painted on to it and some impressive shoulder fur. The advantages for the Giants would be considerable. Not only would it be a sleek new look, the fake muscle suit would actually make Barry Bonds look less roided up.
A uni for the 21st century
2. With Barry Bonds, a legend like it or not, coming to town for the first time tonight Jose would like to see his fellow Red Sox fans show some class and not crack out the crude and tired “Ste-roids, Ste-roids” chant. It’s old, its day is past, and it’s not even accurate. Bud Selig wishes Barry were only taking steroids, given the freaky, freaky things he puts into his body. And yet sadly, nothing rhymes with stanozolol.
Thus, Jose is going to offer a more sophisticated alternative taunt that reflects the modernization and increasing sophistication of performance enhancing drugs.
The clear, and the cream,
Without them, you’d hit like Sid Bream,
You screwed up your knees,
We blame it all on PEDs
Hank Aaron’s your foil,
But he din’ need no Flaxseed Oil
3. Red Sox Legend Dave Roberts makes his first appearance in Boston in uniform tonight since the 2004 World Series. And while it is hard to explain exactly how great a man Roberts is, Jose is going to try to do it in the only way he knows how: by discussing his commonalities with another sporting legend, Mr. Miyagi.
FACT: Both were born on Okinawa.
FACT: Both have spent time living in L.A.
FACT: Both have cool beards.
FACT: Both have appeared with Jay Leno (Note: Roberts on The Tonight Show, Miyagi in the movie Collision Course.)
FACT: Jose is really stretching right now, and he has about as much in the tank right now as St. Josh a Beckett did last night.
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Wednesday, May 9
Men of Cruelty
It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Terry Eurona won his 300th game as Red Sox manager last night, and Jose is genuinely happy for him, and, in a real way, happy for America.
We live in an age where cruelty is rewarded, not only rewarded but revered. In a time when Bill Parcells is lionized for his efficient, professional meanness, when CEOs are praised to the hilt for the callousness of their layoffs, when “you’re fired” is a beloved catch phrase more than a statement of lives and families destroyed, it is refreshing to see one of the genuinely good people have such success.
Despite the constant clamoring among this fan base, among every fan base for men of cruelty, for old school Dick Williams, Bill Fitch, Bobby Knight types who will bludgeon and brutalize spoiled, athletes into humble submission, these men are wrong for this day and age. And Jose is glad. It is a sign of progress, when personal viciousness is no longer a virtue.
And thus, Tito Eurona, surprisingly enough, is a man of today, a modern man and a modern manager. When Tito took this job, he said something to the effect of “I’m a nice guy, and I don’t want this job if it means I have to stop being nice.” It was a good sound bite, it was a sign of decency, but what one didn’t know was that it was a management manifesto, and a sound manifesto at that.
Be nice.
Pretty simple, pretty good. Don’t be a push over, but don’t be a d*ck. Air grievances privately, rather than on the back page of the Herald. Treat players fairly. Only criticize constructively. Do not tear people down.
Tito has not only won, he has not only been nice, but he has won by being nice. And he’s done it 300 times.
2. Last Thursday, Jose attended the battle of Japan with one of Jose’s People, Empyreal Environs, who has somehow, in the just the last 10 years, reached the level of delusion required to write about every single Red sox game (Note: The correct amount of time for it to take is 27 years.). Think about this. She arrived in Boston at the height of the Steve Avery era, and yet still chose, CHOSE, to descend into the madness.
While the conversation throughout the evening was scintillating, as one might expect from a meeting of Boston’s two premiere Japanese American baseball minds, one subject of conversation stood out as particularly exceptional—when is it okay for a Red Sox fan to accept a Yankee autographed ball?
The impetus for this particular discussion was Empyreal’s story of the difficult choice a friend had (note: Jose thinks it was a friend and not a relative… or Empyreal herself… Jose spent much of the evening in a haze, as one tends to when the $101 million starter walks 800 batters) as to whether or not to accept a Yankee ball autographed by among others, legendary alcoholic and peeping tom Mickey Mantle, despite his being a Red sox fan.
It got Jose thinking. Would he accept a Mantle ball? No. What about a 1996 Yankee ball? Please. A Lou Gehrig ball? Is ALS contagious? (Note: No) What about a Ruth ball? Red Sox era yes, Yankee era no. Braves era, absolutely. An Andy Stankiewiecz ball? Tempting on an ironic level, but still no.
So Jose gave it a lot of thought and determined that there is only one Yankee ball he would ever want (Note: Aside from Jim Bouton.). Jose would accept, hell, Jose would pay for a ball signed by both Thurman Munson and Corey Lidle. There. He said it. It’s tasteless, but he said it. And it was funny, as plane crash jokes tend to be. Actually, Jose would like one ball even more than that. If he could get a Yankee ball signed by Thurman Munson, Corey Lidle and…
Nuts, Jose really wanted to put Jorge Posada in there. He hates Jorge Posada…weasel faced creep, but damn it, Jose simply cannot wish death in a plane crash on anyone. Too bad. It would have been funny too. Maybe if Munson and Lidle had died peacefully in their sleep, Jose could have joked about having Posada’s name on a ball with them, but a plane crash? That’s too tacky even for Jose… barely.
3. Curt Euro, shockingly, called out Barry Bonds yesterday for cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes and cheating at the great game of baseball.
He was unusual in being willing to call out Bonds in earnest and publicly when disturbingly few active players are willing to do so. That said, his statement lacked balance. While Euro did list all of the things that Bonds does cheat at, he utterly failed to list the many aspects of life wherein he has not cheated.
Consider the following:
• Bonds has not, as best we know cheated at cards.
• He has never performed Cheat, by the Clash at karaoke.
• He is not a “pumpkin eater.”
• Not a big fan of Cheetos. (Note: Wait… that’s Cheetah, not cheater?)
• Not technically a member of the Guerrero wrestling family (Motto: Cheat to Win.)
• Has never hit opposing player with a steel chair.
On the other hand, Jose is pretty sure he has a Jessie “The Body” Ventura inspired tattoo reading “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
1. Terry Eurona won his 300th game as Red Sox manager last night, and Jose is genuinely happy for him, and, in a real way, happy for America.
We live in an age where cruelty is rewarded, not only rewarded but revered. In a time when Bill Parcells is lionized for his efficient, professional meanness, when CEOs are praised to the hilt for the callousness of their layoffs, when “you’re fired” is a beloved catch phrase more than a statement of lives and families destroyed, it is refreshing to see one of the genuinely good people have such success.
Despite the constant clamoring among this fan base, among every fan base for men of cruelty, for old school Dick Williams, Bill Fitch, Bobby Knight types who will bludgeon and brutalize spoiled, athletes into humble submission, these men are wrong for this day and age. And Jose is glad. It is a sign of progress, when personal viciousness is no longer a virtue.
And thus, Tito Eurona, surprisingly enough, is a man of today, a modern man and a modern manager. When Tito took this job, he said something to the effect of “I’m a nice guy, and I don’t want this job if it means I have to stop being nice.” It was a good sound bite, it was a sign of decency, but what one didn’t know was that it was a management manifesto, and a sound manifesto at that.
Be nice.
Pretty simple, pretty good. Don’t be a push over, but don’t be a d*ck. Air grievances privately, rather than on the back page of the Herald. Treat players fairly. Only criticize constructively. Do not tear people down.
Tito has not only won, he has not only been nice, but he has won by being nice. And he’s done it 300 times.
2. Last Thursday, Jose attended the battle of Japan with one of Jose’s People, Empyreal Environs, who has somehow, in the just the last 10 years, reached the level of delusion required to write about every single Red sox game (Note: The correct amount of time for it to take is 27 years.). Think about this. She arrived in Boston at the height of the Steve Avery era, and yet still chose, CHOSE, to descend into the madness.
While the conversation throughout the evening was scintillating, as one might expect from a meeting of Boston’s two premiere Japanese American baseball minds, one subject of conversation stood out as particularly exceptional—when is it okay for a Red Sox fan to accept a Yankee autographed ball?
The impetus for this particular discussion was Empyreal’s story of the difficult choice a friend had (note: Jose thinks it was a friend and not a relative… or Empyreal herself… Jose spent much of the evening in a haze, as one tends to when the $101 million starter walks 800 batters) as to whether or not to accept a Yankee ball autographed by among others, legendary alcoholic and peeping tom Mickey Mantle, despite his being a Red sox fan.
It got Jose thinking. Would he accept a Mantle ball? No. What about a 1996 Yankee ball? Please. A Lou Gehrig ball? Is ALS contagious? (Note: No) What about a Ruth ball? Red Sox era yes, Yankee era no. Braves era, absolutely. An Andy Stankiewiecz ball? Tempting on an ironic level, but still no.
So Jose gave it a lot of thought and determined that there is only one Yankee ball he would ever want (Note: Aside from Jim Bouton.). Jose would accept, hell, Jose would pay for a ball signed by both Thurman Munson and Corey Lidle. There. He said it. It’s tasteless, but he said it. And it was funny, as plane crash jokes tend to be. Actually, Jose would like one ball even more than that. If he could get a Yankee ball signed by Thurman Munson, Corey Lidle and…
Nuts, Jose really wanted to put Jorge Posada in there. He hates Jorge Posada…weasel faced creep, but damn it, Jose simply cannot wish death in a plane crash on anyone. Too bad. It would have been funny too. Maybe if Munson and Lidle had died peacefully in their sleep, Jose could have joked about having Posada’s name on a ball with them, but a plane crash? That’s too tacky even for Jose… barely.
3. Curt Euro, shockingly, called out Barry Bonds yesterday for cheating on his wife, cheating on his taxes and cheating at the great game of baseball.
He was unusual in being willing to call out Bonds in earnest and publicly when disturbingly few active players are willing to do so. That said, his statement lacked balance. While Euro did list all of the things that Bonds does cheat at, he utterly failed to list the many aspects of life wherein he has not cheated.
Consider the following:
• Bonds has not, as best we know cheated at cards.
• He has never performed Cheat, by the Clash at karaoke.
• He is not a “pumpkin eater.”
• Not a big fan of Cheetos. (Note: Wait… that’s Cheetah, not cheater?)
• Not technically a member of the Guerrero wrestling family (Motto: Cheat to Win.)
• Has never hit opposing player with a steel chair.
On the other hand, Jose is pretty sure he has a Jessie “The Body” Ventura inspired tattoo reading “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.)
I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
