A Tale of Two Butches

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well that’s just great.

David Ortiz has a torn meniscus, which, as best Jose can recall from Introduction to the Physical Sciences in eighth grade, is that shallow parabola of fluid at the top of a graduated cylinder. Jose had no idea that people had graduated cylinders in their knees, but he supposes that it explains why they always count fluid buildup in the knee in milliliters.

Yes, yes, they say the slugger won’t need surgery until after the season, if ever, but Jose can’t help but be concerned. It suggests that he may not recover his power this year, and what if he does need to go under Dr. Andrews’ shining blade?

Either way, there is a good chance that the Red Sox are going to have to add power or as the wonks call it “generating capacity” if they are going to make a run. With the trade deadline slinking towards us ominously yet alluringly, like a Times Square hooker, the Red Sox may need to make a move.

But what move?

A move for a move’s sake is fine on the dance floor but disasterous in these Major Leagues. Adding the 2007 equivalent of Rob Deer isn’t going to cut it (note: we already have that, his name is Wily Mo). Nope, the Red Sox need a blockbuster.

Jose has spent the last 20 hours furiously analyzing trade possibilities, throwing each one into the gas chromatograph of his mind and seeing what gets separated out. And here’s what Jose’s come up with—the Red Sox should make a move to acquire Kevin Garnett.

This makes, absolutely perfect sense, for everyone. Garnett wants to play for a winner and there is no NBA franchise he could actually be traded to that would offer him as good a chance at brining home a ring as the Red Sox. The Red Sox need power, and last time Jose checked, Garnett played power forward. They don’t call it “power forward” because the people who play it are powerless. Well, with the exception of Brian Scalabrine. Moreover, the Red Sox, unbound by the NBA’s restrictive salary cap, could offer Garnett a much more attractive compensation package than, say, the Golden State Warriors.

The remaining question is what can the Red Sox offer the Timberwolves? Lots, it turns out. What’s great about this trade is that, as a basketball team, the Timberwolves don’t value the same attributes as a baseball team, thus they are unlikely to fixate on untouchables such as Clay Buchholz or Jacoby Ellsbury like most Major League teams would. Rather, they are much more likely to be interested in attributes like height, passing ability, rebounding and shooting. Thus Jose proposes that the Red Sox offer the following package for Garnett. First, Mike Timlin who, as a skilled hunter, is the best shooter on the team and is also 6’4’’. Even better, it seems like he’s been trying to rebound or the entire season. Second, catching prospect George Kottaras. Kottaras was acquired in last year’s David Wells trade to be the catcher of the future, but has struggled thus far. However, in the NBA his amazing ability to pass balls will be rewarded rather than punished. Finally, the Red Sox should send Craig Hansen. It’s not that Hansen has any skills that the T’wolves would find particularly appealing. It’s just that he’s 6’5’’, sort of a head case and looks like the sort of guy who smokes a lot of dope. Sounds like a perfect fit for the NBA.

So that’s Jose’s trade proposal. Someone call Peter Vecsey and we can get the talks humming.

2. Mr. Butch the homeless eccentric once known as the “Mayor of Kenmore Square” died yesterday in a scooter accident. The death of the man born Harold Madison Jr. received extensive coverage in the Boston Globe, the Boston Herald and on WBUR. Maybe it was on the TV news too, after all, it did involve a tragic death, but Jose wouldn’t know; he doesn’t watch that crap.

That the death of an iconic and friendly homeless man got such extensive coverage made Jose happy. Mr. Butch was a genuinely nice and funny man, who made Kenmore Square a much more interesting place to live in the six years Jose spent living there. He added for more character to the place than 15 Eastern Standards ever could. But it also made Jose wonder about the nature of fame and notoriety.

Call it A Tale of Two Butches.

It is the story, the compare and contrast, of Mr. Butch and Butch Hobson. Both were once fixtures in Kenmore Square and both were drug addicts. Yet one came from the ranks of societies heroes, a baseball player, a manager, a star, while the other was a homeless man, the lowest of the low in this society of winners and losers.

And yet Jose cannot help but wonder, when Butch Hobson passes on, hopefully many years hence, will his image be on the front of the Globe Metro section? Will the slow talkers at WBUR take time in their morning news cast to mention his passing?

When one reaches the end of his days, it seems what people remember about him, what makes them pause and meditate on his life, his meaning as a human being is not whether he was one of the new class of Boston Brahmins or a lowly untouchable on the streets, but whether he was different and kind and funny.

That makes Jose smile, and he would suspect that if Mr. Butch is off somewhere watching the hullabaloo made over the untimely death of a homeless dope smoker from Worcester, he is smiling too.

A Tale of Two Butches

3. The Blue Jays, in town for a four game set, have had catastrophic injuries in the first half, with A.J. Burnett, Roy Halliday, Troy Glaus, Lyle Overbay, Sal Fasano and a whole host of other spending time on the DL.

Why didn’t Michael Moore discuss this in his health expose Sicko? If he’s going to claim that the Canadian health care system is so great, isn’t he obliged to explain why Canada’s only major league team has been among the most injured in baseball this year? Moreover, if only the rich in the U.S. can get decent health care, why have the Yankees been so injured? They’re incredibly rich.

Here’s the dirty little secret of the Canadian Health Care system. If a Blue Jays pitcher needs Tommy John surgery, not only must he wait in line to have the surgery, because the socialist Canadian system does not provide adequate capital for new medical technology, he can’t even get Tommy John Surgery. Instead, he has to settle for an older procedure, Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown surgery, which relies heavily on Canadian Club and a piece of wood to bite on for anesthesia and otherwise is exactly what it sounds like.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

And Now a Brief Intermission

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. They don’t come around too often any more, but Jose always loved going to single admission doubleheaders. As nice as drinking beers at the ballpark is while taking in a game, doing it while taking in two games is literally twice as nice. Actually, it’s 2.3 times as nice, economies of scale, you know.

As anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of economics knows, it is not a given that two, is twice as good as one. One could very reasonably expect the marginal utility of each inning to diminish as one creeps into the second game. But it doesn’t, and you know why? No intermissions. This is the genius of baseball. Other sports have lengthy breaks, but not baseball. Sure there’s the seventh inning stretch, but that’s barely more than a regular inning change, unless of course, it is a playoff game at Yankee Stadium, in which case, it is slightly longer than a Peking Opera, and only 20 percent as interesting.

The law of diminishing marginal returns became painfully clear to Jose as he went to an “Iced Hockey” double header at the Boston Garden on Friday. (Note: It’s like Iced Tea, right?) While Hockey is a great live sport and Jose was excited by the prospect of watching his state university take on UNH, and his alma mater BU take on BC, he lived in dread. Sure, six periods of hockey (note: Which period is the Jurassic? The second right?) is a lot, but what really scared Jose was the five intermissions. Five! That’s an hour and forty minutes of intermission, and more if one remembers that the intermission between games is 45 minutes.

It got worse. The first game went to double overtime. Sure it was “exciting” and “dramatic” but the intermissions, dear God the intermissions. To make matters worse, the game ended two minutes into the second overtime, so a twenty minute intermission was followed by 2 minutes of action and then another 45 minutes of intermission. That’s almost as much down time as in a Nomar Garciaparra at bat!

So based on this, experience Jose has created a sport hierarchy based on the number and duration of intermissions. Hockey is at the bottom because it has two intermissions. Then comes basketball because it has one. Above that is football, because it also has one intermission, but it has way better highlights than basketball. Next is soccer, which also has one intermission but doesn’t have commercials during the game. And then on top is baseball with its no intermissions, save for occasional moments to scratch, spit and go into the Green Monster to urinate. Actually, check that. Wrestling is above baseball, because it has no breaks at all, unless you count “rest holds” like the sleeper hold and reverse chinlocks. NASCAR would be at the top, because it has no intermissions at all, but then Jose remembered it’s just people driving in circles, so it’s actually nothing but intermission.


2. As part of an effort to maintain better control of their intellectual property, the Red Sox have announced new policies governing the use of Red Sox highlights from NESN, including demands that NESN receive credit on all Red Sox clips.

While this move generated significant publicity, it is only the latest in a series of moves by the Red Sox to protect their intellectual property. Among the less well know moves:

• Sued He-Man/Masters of the Universe for misappropriating John W. Henry’s likeness for Skeletor.
• Sued Kellogs for misuse of “Coco Crisp” brand name.
• Sent cease and desist order to makers of Spider Man movie, claiming “Green Goblin” is way too close to “Green Monster,” “Dr. Octopus” is what everyone called Wade Boggs when he was groping Margo Adams and “Mary Jane” is dangerously close to the type of cigarettes Craig Hansen likes to smoke. (Note: Jose has no evidence that Hansen is a doper aside from his droopy eyes.)
• Filed restraining order against Armando Benitez, claiming “save blowing gopher ball” is the intellectual property of Julian Tavarez.
• Filed suit against J.J. Abrams and ABC, stating that the Red Sox had already copyrighted “Lost” as the name of a series about Joe Kerrigan’s managerial reign.
• Filed gag order against Kevin Millar. Someone had to do it.
• Issued statement saying anyone calling Grady Little a “Forrest Gump looking douchebag” is using Red Sox trademarked material and must pay $50 in royalties.
• Bitched at Doug Mientkiewiecz about World Series ball. (Note: Wait that one’s real. What a dick move.)
  

3. The Texas Rangers have ended their relationship with Ameriquest Mortgage Company, changing the name of their ballpark from Ameriquest Field to Rangers Ballpark in Arlington three years into a 30 year deal.

The outcome of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick’s call to the Rangers pleading with them to keep the Ameriquest name remains unknown.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.