From SoSH: 9/23 - BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Last night Sox second baseman Euro Bellhorn (Note: Who is not a looker. Jose can’t believe women find him attractive.) broke two of baseball’s greatest records. He became the Red Sox single season strike out king and the major league single season switch hitting strike out king.

But where was the celebration? Where was the sign on the green monster counting up as Bellhorn inched closer to the magic numbers of 161 and 162? Where were Butch Hobson’s children hugging Bellhorn, with tears in their eyes, knowing that their father had been almost erased from the record books. From now on, their father is the Sox strike out king no more. The only records Butch Hobson holds now is the most Sox games managed while high on cocaine. (Note: And Jose has doubts about that one. All of the signs certainly suggest Grady was on crack last year.) Why didn’t Bellhorn have a special glove with 161 and 162 embroidered on them? Why didn’t Special K cereal or Kmart sponsor the event? Why wasn’t the game stopped so the commissioner could present Bellhorn with a K car? Why didn’t the Bills invite him to Buffalo to run the K Gun offense? Why is there no parade down K street in Southie?

And Belhorn’s accomplishment is special. In this day and age, when so many records are tainted by allegations of steroid use, no one has suggested that Bellhorn used performance enhancing drugs to help him strike out more often. Baseball is supposed to be the sport, more than any other, that honors its records and its history. Last night that didn’t happen, and it’s just sad.

2. Speaking of records, Jose set a record for opening day merchandise sales yesterday with 0.00. That’s right, Jose didn’t even buy his own stuff on Day 1. KEYS MERCHANDISE Pretty sweet, huh? Since that is the lowest possible number, Jose can never be expelled from the record books. Interestingly, those sales figures are identical to Keith Foulke’s ERA for the rest of the year. Spooky.

3. How amazing was Orlando Cabrera’s performance last night? He went from Bogota to Boston, to hero in one day with his walk off homer in the 12th. That said, there will be a price to pay. Apparently his wife was not happy with his decision to leave her side, but The OC, our hero, was willing to risk a life time of resentment to save the Red Sox. All in all, Jose thinks it was a good trade off. (Note: Though some one needs to explain jet lag to him. It is not something one gets on a trip from Columbia to Boston, as they are in the same time zone. One of Jose’s bosses tried this once. She was frazzled at a meeting and said, “I’m sorry I’m not completely organized, I just flew in and have a little jet lag. “Boss,” Jose replied. “Jose is almost sure that Miami is in the same time zone as Boston.” In related news, Jose had a hard time getting promoted at that company.)

But what’s more amazing still, is that in addition to playing shortstop for the Sox tonight, Cabrera also appears to be pitching for the Orioles, if Jose is to believe the papers. After all, there couldn’t be more than one Cabrera in baseball right? Right?

I'm Jose Melendez, (and not two clearly insane people) and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.