From SoSH: 9/22 - BAL @ BOS

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Good news!!! Jose has a snazzy new logo that should not warrant a cease and desist order. That means that you can now get genuine Jose Melendez gear off of the blog. You know, if you want to.

1. Jose saw the lengthy Globe story on the Red Sox scalping crackdown and it made him sad. Not sad that the Red Sox are trying to halt scalping, while Jose has bought a ticket or two from a scalper, he generally hates the business, but sad that on a day when the Museum of the American Indian opened in Washington D.C., we still use an American Indian reference to describe such a despicable practice. In protest, Jose will now refer to reselling tickets at higher value as “ticket killing off entire peoples with smallpox, stealing their lands and forcing them onto reservations,” or “Ticket Custering” for short and people who sell these tickets will be referred to as “Custers.”

2. The Red Sox finally did it; they made Jose shout an obscenity in his mother’s ear. Jose was on the phone with his mother when Foulke gave up the go ahead homer. “MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Jose yelled. His mother had not realized he was watching the game while they chatted until that point. After about 30 seconds of being surprised and perhaps a little appalled (Note: Though Susan Melendez has been known to use a little coarse language herself) she replied, “You’re watching the Red Sox aren’t you.” Of course, if you know Jose that was an easy guess.

The only other thing that could have made Jose scream the MF word would have been if he’d seen John Kerry on TV vowing to take as much abuse as possible or John Bradshaw Layfield made WWF champion. (Note: What, the second one happened? Mother f--).

3. The final Jerry’s list is of Clearly Insane Jerry’s, and it only has two, rather than one.

1) Jerry Sizzler
2) Jerry Sizzler

Bonus mojo to anyone who knows why this list exists. (Note: Not that Jose believes in mojo.) And no Googling it.(Note: Jose knows these KEYS are short and blah, but that’s the kind of day it is…well, long and blah actually, but the point holds.)

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.