KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES - Sept. 7, 2004

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES.

Tired of being confused about why C-3PO is appearing in SoSH game thread when Derek Low pitches? Confused about why "Mosey" Nixon returned to the Sox today? Well all of your questions are about to be answered!!!

Jose was once like you, clueless, lethargic. Bullies would come up to him and mock his poor knowledge of obscure Red Sox nicknames. Sometimes they would even kick statistical spreadsheets in his face. But no more!!! Jose got fed up, and when he got fed up he got creative. He took charge of his own destiny. By making up his own nicknames, he confused others and distracted attention from his own limited knowledge of baseball. Now you can fake your way through SoSH game threads too!!! Impress your friends, astonish your family, amaze women with your knowledge of KEYS vernacular. Jose Melendez is proud to present these KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES for those of you who started reading KEYS late in the season, miss updates from time to time or have memory problems due to senility or alcohol abuse.

Just sent $19.95 to:

KEYS TO RIPPING OFF CHARLES ATLAS
KEYS Center
Melendezville, MA 12345

Or keep reading, and Jose will bill you later…when you least expect it.

1. Jose’s most important single source of nicknames is European monetary conversion. With the adoption of the Euro, most of the old currencies of Europe have been converted into Euros. Thus the following Red Sox players have all undergone name conversion:

Curt Schilling = Curt Euro
Mark Bellhorn = Euro Bellhorn
Mark Malaska - Euro Tikka Malaska
Terry Francona = Terry Eurona (Note: Except when Francona is funnier, such as in the song "Why Francona.")

2. The second major source of nicknames is pop culture. You know, that stuff you see on TV that isn’t Red Sox baseball. For instance:

Bronson Arroyo = Balki Arroyo
Despite the fact that Arroyo’s father claims to have named him for Charles Bronson, it is fairly clear that he was really named after Perfect Strangers star Bronson Pinchot, who played the lovable Meposian clod, Balki Bartokamous.

Derek Lowe = DLowe the Paranoid Android
When DLowe blamed his poor performance on mechanical problems early in the year, it made it obvious that despite all appearances, he must be a robot. But how could a robot have such serious emotional problems? The character Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offered a precedent. (Note: If you want to think it is from Radiohead, that is fine with Jose too.)

Cesar Crespo = Little Cesar Crespo (Ground out! Ground out!)
This is a reference to Little Caesar’s Pizza with it’s "Pizza! Pizza!" motto. Thankfully, Jose will never have to mention this particular nickname again.

3. The final category of nicknames is those that Jose just made up for stupid reasons. Stupidity is the reason Jose does a lot of things.

Mark Malaska = Euro "Tikka" Malaska
This is a reference to the famed Indian chicken dish.

Bill Mueller = Umlaut
This is a new one, but the "ue" in Mueller is the Anglicization of the German ü.

Trot Nixon = Mosey Nixon
With his injured leg, it seemed unlikely that Nixon would be able to generate the speed required for a proper Trot. A mosey seemed like a better speed and a great tribute to Patriots full back Mosi Tatupu.

Gabe Kapler = The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew
Let’s settle this once and for all. Kapler is way more sculpted than Goldberg. He may not be as strong, but he is way more sculpted.

Ellis Burks = Chicken Man
Jose hasn’t had to use this one too much, but since Burks’ knee was treated with a substance made from rooster combs, Jose worried that he might turn into a giant chicken hell bent on revenge against the humans, sort of like The Lizard in Spiderman.

Well, that was as close as Jose will ever come to doing a clip show; the originals seemed a lot funnier. Still, the need clearly exists. That became clear the instant Jose’s own brother asked him why Nixon was "Mosey."

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE NICKNAMES.