Sunday, October 3

From SoSH: Re: 10/3 Baltimore vs. Boston - regular season finale

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Today is the end of the regular season and thus the end of the regular season KEYS. Jose has learned a lot this year. For instance, Jose can now confirm that the old cliché that the regular season is a marathon and not a sprint is in fact accurate. Despite the fact that he missed the first six weeks of the season with, let’s say ankle tendonitis, (okay, technically Jose hadn’t come up with the idea of KEYS until early May) Jose still has all of the problems that come from the long-term grind of a marathon, cramps, fatigue, nipple chaffing, defrocked Irish priests attacking him…but Jose never stops, never yields, never surrenders.

Actually, Jose can argue that he’s had it harder than many of the players. Sure they have to "play the games" and "exert physical effort," but they do so with the help of trainers, coaches, traveling secretaries and post-game buffet spreads. Jose has no trainer to tape his swollen fingers, no typing coach to make sure he has the right mechanics for his right pinky finger, no writing coach to keep a watchful eye over his participles, no traveling secretary to book him a ticket on the bus to New Bedford or secure a Zipcar to Pittsfield, and the next complementary buffet he is offered after writing a KEYS will be the first. (Note: Though Jose does typically have a complementary cup of coffee at work after he posts weekday KEYS.)

No, all Jose has is the warm support of the Melendezette and the encouragement of the Melendez family, all of whom have provided extensive material for the KEYS. That and his tens of fans.

But as we move into the post season things will change. The KEYS will take on a greater sense of urgency as the marathon becomes a sprint becomes a three-legged race. Each KEY will be pregnant with importance. Readers will hold their breath waiting for the next word. Jose himself, will type with his fingers crossed. (Note: So look forward to lots of exciting playoff typos.) Jose will no longer offer meaningless rambles that tie his life to baseball in some odd way. Instead, he will offer meaningful, essential rambles that tie his life to baseball in some odd way. The references to obscure pro wrestlers or Spiderman villains that seemed stupid and pointless yesterday, will seem bold yet risky tomorrow. (Note: Look for big contributions from wrestler Norman the Lunatic and comic book villains Rocket Racer and The Gibbon.)

Yes, today the regular season ends and Tuesday the irregular season begins, and who better to address the irregular than your humble servant, Jose Melendez.

2. In today’s glowing Boston Globe profile of Sox general manager Theo Epstein, we learned that when he worked in the Padres organization, Theo would watch NFL games with his boss Kevin Towers while wearing an Adam Vinatieri Jersey. That’s right Theo wore a kicker’ jersey. Wuss. Before any one makes the argument that this is the kicker that won us two Super Bowls, remember that this was before all of that. Look, we all think Vinatieri is great, but going with the kicker’s jersey is just not macho. It’s like wearing a situational lefty’s jersey for baseball. So if any of you are trying to pick Theo out of a crowd, look for the guy wearing the Mike Myers jersey. (Note: Do you think that when he was a teenager Theo had a Tony Fossas jersey?) Jose, on the other hand will be wearing the exceedingly macho Tim Wakefield jersey.

3. The profile, which Jose thought was pretty good, was written by Globe hockey writer Kevin Paul Dupont. While Dupont seems to have done pretty well on the baseball end of it, he appears, remarkably to have screwed up the one hockey detail in the piece. He claims that in his courtship of Keith Foulke, Theo took the closer to a Celtics game. Jose is almost positive that he took Foulke, a huge hockey fan, to a Bruins game. Is it possible that Theo took him to a Celtics game as well? Jose supposes, but Jose sincerely doubts that proximity to the dreadful Celtics would be much of an inducement to anyone. (Note: Though in fairness, they are better than the Warriors, who were the nearest "NBA team" when Foulke pitched in Oakland.

Jose’s theory is that Dupont, knowing the sad state of hockey these days, simply could not believe that any non-Canadian was a big enough fan for hockey to influence his choice about where to live or work.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Nice Keys as always Jose, but I'm afraid that Theo really took Foulke to see the Celtics, and I don't think that they saw the Bruins although Bobby Orr called Foulke at home.