KEYS TO THE ELECTION

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE ELECTION.

1. Jose really wasn’t planning on doing this. He doesn’t have time, he doesn’t want to alienate his dozens of fans by getting too political, but you the people demanded it, and let it never be said that Jose doesn’t know which way the wind is blowing.

Had Jose written this last night, they would be very different KEYS, but since then, Jose has been subjected to seemingly scores of exit polls each slightly different. This one has Kerry up three in Florida. This one over here has Bush up one. And that one over there? That one has Adlai Stevenson elected president in 1952.

Yes, the exit polls look good for Kerry so far, but remember exit polls are a lot like exit wounds. They’re both messy and hurt like hell. Or was it exit polls are a lot like exit signs? You never know if they’re accurate until it’s too late.

2. Jose is a life long Democrat and has been a Kerry supporter since early in the primary process (Note: Though he jumped to being an Edwards supporter, a Gephardt supporter and a Clark supporter before coming back to Kerry. You have to admire Jose’s sticktuitiveness) and he has always felt that one of the Senator’s best qualities was his judgment. But for the first time today, Jose has seen something to make him doubt that. Apparently Kerry had his election day lunch at The Union Oyster House. He had lunch at a restaurant that peaked 150 years ago and today is an overpriced tourist trap. Not a good sign.

3. There had been much speculation that the Bush team would wrap up the campaign season with some sort of October surprise. What we got was the Bin Laden tape, which presumably had nothing to do with the Bush campaign and didn’t really seem to sway anyone’s vote. Count Jose as disappointed.

Maybe Jose wasn’t expecting Bush to announce that they’d captured Osama, but he was expecting something. Maybe that the Marines had captured Bigfoot in the mountains of Afghanistan, or that they had found proof linking Saddam Hussein to the McKinley assassination or evidence that John Kerry once gave a stick of gum to Ho Chi Min in Paris. Jose was just expecting something. Frankly, Jose continues to believe that Karl Rove is evil, but he is starting to doubt that he is a genius.

(Note: Are you happy now? You got one good KEY and two mediocre to poor ones because Jose felt like he had to do something.) (Additional Note: According to exit polls, Jose is now exiting his office.)

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE ELECTION.