12-30-04 KEYS TO NEW YEAR'S

BUY THE KEYS 2004 BOOK -- LAST CHANCE BEFORE IT BECOMES OUTDATED

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.

1. Hello and welcome to Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE. Jose is coming to you live from Circle Gets the Square in Melendezville where tens if not scores of people have gathered to watch the baseball drop, sip Andre "pink champagne" or Mr. Boston vodka from carefully concealed flasks, hang from street lights, and smash shop windows. Yes, whether you’re an alcoholic or merely a hoodlum, there’s something for everyone here, and that’s what keeps ‘em coming year after year.

Jose will be with you all through the night as we celebrate the new year here in Melendezville and across these United States. Once midnight has passed here, we’ll send you to celebrations live from Akron, Ohio; Winter Park, Colorado and Bakersfield, California so you can enjoy the best parties from every major time zone.

And we’ll be bringing you the hottest in music and entertainment. The Bangles are in the hoooouussssseeeee. And, get this, Billy Ocean is here!!! And if that’s not a enough, we might even have a special guest. And Jose’s not saying it is The Cowsills, but he’s not saying it isn’t either.

Now let’s kick off the party with a look at 2004 the year that was.

2. By any reckoning 2004, was a spectacular year for the city of Boston. The Patriots won the Super Bowl, The RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES, the Democratic National Convention went swimingly and Boston Rob finished second on Survivor All-Stars, but still married his way into a share of the winner’s purse. Actually, screw this. We all know what happened in 2004. We were there, it wasn’t even that long ago, and worst of all, Jose’s got nothing funny to add. Nothing. So instead let’s present the nominees for Jose Melendez’s 2004 Person of the Year. The nominees are:

Curt Euro -- Who taught us all about grit, determination, ankle anatomy and even self-promotion while on the way to winning three post season starts. (Note: Jose has no problem with self-promotion, he’s just making an observation.)

Megatron Lowe – Who taught us that being a little crazy and sucking for an entire year doesn’t mean you can’t come up big when you need to. Wait…scratch that it’s PERSON of the year. Robots need not apply.

David Ortiz – Who taught us all that even if you are so whipped that you say Friends is your favorite show despite being a giant Dominican man, it doesn’t mean you’re not a badass.

Johnny Damon – Who taught us that the second coming is significantly more pleasant for non-believers than it is portrayed in Revelations.

And the winner is….

Alexander Fleming, the inventor of antibiotics. Sorry. Jose thinks this guy should win every year, as Jose has long said he would rather be Jose today, than a Rockefeller in 1911. His invention kept Jose from dying from cellulitis before the Sox won the World Series, and for that, Jose salutes you.

3. Finally, let’s take a look ahead to 2005, and see what surprises the coming year has in store for us.

A. Sox right hander Wade Miller will go on Barbara Walters to talk about his struggle with sex addiction and then be thrown from a moving car by his wife. This seems like it happens every time the Red Sox have a Wade.

B. And speaking of Wades, 2005 will be the year when Wade Boggs finally does a Viagra ad. It’s a natural isn’t it?

"Hi, I’m Wade Boggs, batting champion, soon to be hall of famer, equestrian and sex addict, and when my bat speed slowed down, it got hard to keep doing what made me famous. That’s why I use Viagra."

C. The Red Sox 10-year, $40 million investment in catcher Jason Varitek will be proven unwise when Varitek is lost at sea. Varitek will go out to sea, after concluding that his new status as Red Sox Captain must mean that he knows something about boats.

D. Prior to being lost at sea, Varitek will supplement his income by performing weddings on off days, under the provision that allows captains to officiate.

E. Red Sox GM Theo Epstein will no longer be referred to as "30-year old Theo Epstein." He will suddenly, inexplicably be referred to as "31 year old Theo Epstein" instead.

F. The meaning of Pedro Martinez’s "Yankees are my daddy" comment will finally become clear when it is revealed that he is descended from a U.S. Marine who was part of the 1965 invasion of the Dominican Republic.

We’ve got to take a short break but we’ll keep partying through the night. Up next, the smooth sound of Color Me Bad.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO NEW YEAR’S.