Thursday, December 23



It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.

With special guests: The Smothers Brothers, Bea Arthur, the Cast of Caroline in the City and music from Bel Biv Devoe.

1. Jose Melendez: Oh, hellllooooo. Come on in. Why not grab a cup of egg nog and pull up a cold steel folding chair by the fire. Or you could sit on the floor. The floor’s good too. But not too close to the space heater. That thing can burn your skin right off. What’s that? Yes, the fire is technically the oven, but fire is fire and Jose has on his carbon monoxide detector so we probably won’t suffocate.

Well, now that you’re comfortable, hello and welcome to the very first Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, live from Boston’s historic North End. Jose was just doing a few holiday preparations when you got here. Hanging lights, baking cookies, pouring vodka, you know, real Christmas stuff.

It’s so great of to give Jose this opportunity to share this holiday with all of his friends out there in Melendezville and around the world. And to our fighting men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan, Jose sends his sincere thanks and best wishes for a quick and safe return home.

We’ve had a lot of fun over the past year from the Red Sox World Championship to the Hot Stove to—

(Doorbell rings)

Why who could that be? Not a special Christmas guest? Maybe it’s a special Christmas guest. Let’s go and see?

(Opens Door)

Why, why it’s Little Cesar Crespo. Merry Christmas Cesar.

Cesar Crespo: It’s not a very Merry Christmas for Cesar Crespo, Jose.

Jose Melendez: But Cesar, you’re getting a championship ring this year and a partial playoff share, how could this Christmas be anything but merry?

Cesar Crespo: Well, Jose I’m really depressed. I keep thinking about the past season and wondering, if I made a difference. I keep wondering if it might not have been better if I was never even on the team.

Jose Melendez: Oh Cesar, that’s no way to think. Let’s look back, and Jose bets it will turn out that you had a wonderful season.

(Chimes sound, screen goes blurry, fades into Cesar Crespo highlight reel. It is a short reel.)

See Cesar without your two RBI the Red Sox might never have… No, wait they won each of those games by more than 1. But without your six runs… Wait, no those weren’t decisive either. But at least you worked some key walks and showed your commitment to improving your plate discipline. Oh…nope.

Cesar Crespo: See? See what I’m talking about. I can’t help it, I’m just not a very good baseball player.

Jose Melendez: Well, Cesar maybe your really didn’t have a wonderful season and maybe nothing would have been different had they replaced you with scarecrow, but it’s Christmas and it’s no time for self pity. Now grab a bottle of vodka and drown those tears away. (Note: How good are things with the Red Sox these days? Jose still has to pick on Cesar Crespo. Cesar, if you’re out there, no hard feelings, Merry Christmas, and Jose is absolutely going to have as many RBI as you next year.)

(Doorbell rings)

Jose Melendez: And who could that be?

(answers door)

2. Why, it’s the three wise men, John W. Henry, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino, and Jose will just bet they have a holiday song for us.

(Cue “We Three Kings”)

We three owners of the Red Sox,
Won’t cave in to those greedy jocks,
Won our rings, now reorganize things,
But we’ll still lead the league in walks

Oh-oh Nixon still will start in right,
Pedro took a southward flight,
OC’s gone, brought ER on
And Manny plays every night.

Scott Boras can be such a pain,Gold’s his goal, though I can’t complain,Over pay? Not me, no way But still the Red Sox do reign


This should have been my bidding group,But Bud Selig ordered a coup,
Paid my share, but still it’s not fair,
Les Otten was just a dupe


I’m the one who plays the bad guy,
Takes the rap for Pedro’s goodbye,
Contract mess? I’ll call the press,
But no, I would NEVER lie.

Oh-oh Nixon still will start in right,
Pedro took a southward flight,
OC’s gone, brought ER on
And Manny plays every night.

3. Jose Melendez: Wow, that was terrific wise men. Jose had no idea that you could sing such wonderful three part harmony. You should teach Theo to play the organ and then you would be all set. You could be on the next “Hot Stove, Cool Music” together.

Well, this is just about the most magical Christmas Jose has ever had. Jose knows that we all got what we wanted this year, a world championship for our beloved Red Sox and lots of nice Red Sox DVD’s, new ball caps and copies of the KEYS BOOK, under the tree.

But let’s not forget what Christmas is really about. Sure it’s about presents and family and peace, but when you really stop and think about it, it’s a day when Christians worldwide, excluding Orthodox, Greek Catholics, Copts and some others, but including Unitarians, come together to celebrate the birth of Johnny Damon.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!!

I’m Jose Melendez, and that is my KEYS TO THE GAME CHRISTMAS SPECIAL.


Tatiana said...


You totally outdid yourself!

This one had me laughing and reading bits to my boyfriend (who is not a rabid Red Sox fan, nor in fact a fan at all).

You constantly amaze (and amuse!) me :)

Merry JD birthday!

Anonymous said...

That was the funniest keys yet!