12/3/04 KEYS TO STEROIDS

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It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO STEROIDS.

1. This is going to come out sooner or later, so Jose might as well make a statement now and try to diffuse the story. With the revelation that Jason Giambi confessed to using steroids and that Barry Bonds confessed to unwittingly using steroids, Jose has to accept the fact that his grand jury testimony will probably be coming out next. Before you read Jose’s testimony in the San Francisco Chronicle, Jose wants to set the record straight.

First things first, did you know that a grand jury is not just a group of senior citizens whose grandchildren are on a jury? Seriously. Grand juries are made up of people of all ages who have extremely bad luck.

Now Jose knows there has been a whispering campaign going on about the remarkable year he had. Lots of people have been questioning the fact that Jose Melendez never wrote more than 600 or 700 words on the Red Sox in a season before and suddenly he dropped more than 90,000? Jose knows that this is way out of line with his expected production at the age of 28, but that does not, NOT, mean Jose was using steroids over the course of the past year. And even if he was, where is the evidence that steroids make one funnier, or let one type faster. Did steroids come up with the monetary conversion jokes? Did steroids remember that Bronson Pinchot was the star of Perfect Strangers? (Note: Steroids did come up with the nickname “Mosey” Nixon though. Jose’s giving all of the blame for that one to steroids.)

Still, there is the matter of what Jose said to the grand jury. Frankly, Jose chalks it all up to a big misunderstanding. Take a look at this transcript below and you will see how easy it is to get confused.

US Attorney: Mr. Melendez, were you on any occasion given substances known as “the cream” and “the clear.”

Jose Melendez: Yes.

US Attorney: And were you aware of the fact that these substances had performance enhancing abilities.

Jose Melendez: Well, lots of writers use them, and lots of writers have written about using them, so Jose figured it was a pretty well known phenomenon, and not a big deal.

See. That sounds pretty innocent, doesn’t it? But here’s the thing. It turns out that “the cream” and “the clear” are steroids!!! Jose had no idea that they were talking about steroids. Jose assumed that the cream meant the half and half Jose uses in his thrice daily coffee and the clear was the vodka Jose has been known to quaff. God knows Jose couldn’t be an effective writer without either of them.

So when word of this scandal breaks in the next few days don’t be surprised, don’t be alarmed. Just know that Jose was taken out of context and that the KEYS you enjoy are only written with the assistance of LEGAL performance enhancing drugs.

2. If Jose was Barry Bonds’ lawyer or agent, he would already be preparing a line of defense for when Bonds’ records and hall of fame eligibility is challenged by anti-steroid forces. We are sure to hear plenty of arguments about whether Bonds knew what he was taking and whether he used steroids in the 73 home run season, but all of those arguments are crap.

If Jose was Bonds’ counselor, he would issue one statement only when the scandal comes to a head. “Manny Alexander took steroids, and he didn’t hit anywhere near 73 home runs. Steroids don’t matter.”

Of course there is a rebuttal. In 2000, when Alexander was caught with steroids, his home runs numbers had shot up to 4 from 0 in 1999. Thus, the percentage increase is infinitely high. Bonds, by contrast, only increased his home run total from the previous year by 49% when he hit 73. So arguably, steroid helped Alexander’s power numbers more than Bonds’.

3. In addition to the news that Barry Bonds used steroids, today’s other big news is that the Yankees are looking for ways to void Jason Giambi’s monstrous contract. The Yankees are said to be exploring a standard clause that allows a contract to be voided if a player does not keep himself in playing condition. Jose’s opinion is that the Yankees should save themselves the legal bills and just wait it out. By all indications, Giambi was also taking Clomid, a female fertility drug, so when he gets pregnant and goes on maternity leave, they won’t have to pay him anyway.


I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO STEROIDS.