2/10/05 Jose Canseco's KEYS TO THE GAME

It’s time for Jose Canseco’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Hi there. Jose Canseco here, MVP, World Series champ, and lover of fast cars, fast women and fastballs. Well, not fastballs so much anymore, but you get the point. I’d like to thank my namesake Jose Melendez for giving me the use of his space today as I promote my new book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. Apparently, Jose’s gone off on a bit of a bender following his correct pick for the Super Bowl, after all, $100 can buy an awful lot of Chef Boyardee, and he isn’t in writing shape write right now. I told him that some steroids would clear that hangover right up, but he said that under the new collective bargaining agreement, blogger.com is now testing. So I offered him some human growth hormone, because you really can’t test for that and…well, you get the point.

But let’s get to the part you’ve all been waiting for. What everyone wants is to hear me name names. You’d think that having been born in Castro’s Cuba, a country with a huge state security system, I’d be sensitive to the danger of naming names, and yet I’m not. Go figure.

So, who’s on drugs? Well, you’ve already heard about my allegations that Mark McGuire, Ivan Rodriguez, Roberto Alomar and Rafael Palmiero were juicing from my publicity leaks, but what other names do I have to give up? Well, I’m no longer just a baseball player. No, since I was blackballed, I’m a writer now too. And that means I have the names of some writers to give up, as well. Did you know Hunter S. Thompson uses drugs? Yup, it’s the God’s honest truth, uppers downers, hallucinogens, horse tranquilizers…the works!!! Remember you heard it here first. And you know who else was on drugs? Well, I don’t really know. I’m not much of a reader see…so let’s just say F. Scott Fitzgerald, Martin Luther, Jane Austen and the guy who wrote Clifford the Big Red Dog. Big red dog…you make the case that he’s not on drugs. (Note: This libel represents the views of Jose Canseco, and not the views of Jose Melendez, blogger.com, or anyone whose brain hasn’t been shrunk to the size of a pecan by years of steroid abuse.)

2. One of the claims in my book that is going to get the most attention is my statement that George W. Bush must have known about the rampant steroid use on the Texas Rangers when he ran the ball club. President Bush, through a spokesman, has denied this, so we end up with a classic he said/he said situation. So what it really comes down to is credibility. On the one hand, you have the President of the United States, the man who assured you that there were WMD in Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and that he is a moderate. On the other hand you have me, Jose Canseco. I dated Madonna.

So there are the facts. You decide who is more credible.

3. Finally, I know this blog is primarily big with Boston folks, so you’re probably wondering if any of the 1995-1996 Boston Red Sox are going to be implicated for drug use in my book. After all, no Red Sox names have leaked out…yet. Well, I’m proud to give KEYS TO THE GAME readers a sneak peak at Jose’s list of Red Sox on drugs.

Kevin Kennedy: Rogaine – Come on, you never thought he grew that mustache without chemical assistance did you?

Roger Clemens, Mike Greenwell: Stupid Pills

Brian Looney: Lithium – Just look at his name. Not to hard to diagnose him with mental illness.

Lee Tinsley: Speed – He must have been, he certainly wasn’t taking any “hit.”

Mo Vaughn: Dexatrim – Well, no. But he should have been.

Will Cordero: Hmm…increasing mass, violent outbursts…hey he might have been on actual steroids!

Tim Johnson: Sodium pentothal – No wait…that’s the one that makes you tell the truth. Which is the one that makes you tell lies about committing war crimes in Vietnam?

See, so it’s a relatively small list, but it still shows just how rampant drug abuse was.

Well, those are about all the wild accusations I have for the moment. I’d like to thank Jose Melendez for this space, and urge you all to buy my book for more shocking accusations about the game you love.

I’m Jose Canseco, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.