3/22/05 - Battling Dead Arm

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Yikes! Jose has definitely hit the dreaded dead arm period of spring training, when his fastball has no zip, his curveball has no curve and everything he can’t write anything funnier than a Jimmy Kimmel monologue. (Note: That is to say, not funny.) Maybe it’s just that there’s no news, but Jose’s writing feels lethargic. And God knows, writing about the stadium situation is never the cure for lethargy, and yet write about the stadium situation Jose shall.

How could he not write about the stadium situation? The Red Sox announced yesterday that they plan to remain at Fenway Park for the rest of human history. This is a little bit like if the Greeks had announced their plans to hold the 2004 Olympics in the original 1896 Olympic Stadium. It’s a lot cheaper, and a lot easier, but it may not be completely practical.

Of course, the Red Sox are convinced otherwise. They truly see their future in the old yard. This is a stark departure from five years ago, when the Harrington regime insisted that a new stadium was essential to securing the team’s economic future and Jose was a young PR flack doing drips and drabs of work to help tear down baseball’s greatest stadium.

Jose was at the legislative hearing where the Red Sox asked for state aid for a new park. He sat immediately behind Dan Duquette and can confirm that up close, his hair cut looks even worse. Jose spread the gospel that Fenway was architecturally unsound, financially unviable and experientially inadequate. And now, five long years later, he learns that none of it was true. It turns out Fenway is architecturally sound, it is financially viable and it is experientially superior.

That has forced Jose to come to the uncomfortable realization that… get ready… public relations is not about truth!!! Honestly, Jose had no idea. (Note: Of course, he was a PR man, so God only knows if that statement is true.) The next thing you know Jose will hear that the drug companies aren’t charging Americans fair prices, Kentucky Fried Chicken is not a “heart healthy” food and asbestos is not “the miracle fiber that saves lives.” (Note: One of these was a campaign that Jose actually worked on. Can you guess which one?)

2. A number of states have adopted anti-gay marriage laws that explicitly define marriage as the union of “one man and one woman.” You may have read about it; it was in the news. Here’s what Jose wonders: Do these laws invalidate Megatron Lowe’s marriage? After all, they say nothing about the union between woman and machine. In addition would Senator Amidala’s marriage to Anakin Skywalker be valid? He has a robotic arm, so technically, he’s a cyborg.

See? Dead arm.

3. Despite his struggles over the past year and the criticism he recently endured from catcher Doug Mirabelli, not everyone has given up on Korean submariner B.K. Kim. In fact, amidst the piles and piles of Red Sox themed books that were written to capitalize on the team’s championship season there is even one about the troubled reliever. Jose saw it at the bookstore the other day. It’s by Rudyard Kipling.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.