Monday, March 28

3/28/05 -- KEYS TO CHANGE

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE CHANGE.

1. It is with a fair modicum of sadness (note: as Mighty Thor would put it) that Jose must inform you, his faithful readers, that he is saying to hell with you all and moving on to greener pastures, up the food chain and any other number of clichés.

As you may recall, Jose once said he would never leave blogspot except to move closer to home. However, since Jose largely posts from home regardless of the site he is posting to, that promise is almost meaningless. Starting today, Jose will be posting at part of MVN (Note: The Most Valuable Network, not the Mt. Vernon Outland Airport.)

Jose wanted to end his career with blogspot, but they wouldn’t up their offer from zero dollars. That just didn’t show Jose a lot of respect.

This is probably a good thing for Jose. Over the course of the off season, he had stopped taking care of himself; the famous work ethic was gone and injury problems were beginning to emerge. Now, Jose will be motivated by a desire to prove the critics wrong. You said Jose was in the “twilight of his career.” Wait, that was Roger Clemens? Nevertheless, Jose will still prove you wrong.

But is it really a surprise that Jose sold out? It shouldn’t be. What should be surprising is how little he sold out for. As best he can tell, he sold out in return for a subscription to ESPN Insider – cash value: $15. So if any of you have a crisp $20 bill and want your own personal Red Sox blogger, definitely drop Jose a line.

But let’s not pretend this is all about Jose. (Note: This is all about Jose.) There will be many benefits to you the fan as well. For instance, Jose you will have access to an exclusive, subscription only “Jose Insider” service, which will offer choice tidbits to paying customers. If you want to hear trade rumors started by Jose’s drinking buddies (note: such as minor leaguer Shawn Wooten for former UCLA coach John Wooden), or know what Jose ate for breakfast (note: Coffee. That is all.) Jose Insider is the place for you. The new site will also offer a rare opportunity for those of you too cheap to buy the KEYS book a chance to learn Jose’s real name. (Note: It’s Jose Luis Melendez Garcia, apparently.) Finally, you will at last get the chance to see Jose in tag team action along with Tao of Manny’s Brian Young. This arrangement will be great for everyone until ratings sag and we need a new story line like Jose super kicking Brian through a plate glass window. Yes, everyone wins. But especially Jose wins.

(Note: In all seriousness, Jose will continue to post complete KEYS in SoSH game threads, and may continue to post teasers on, and he will definitely not super kick anyone through a plate glass window, particularly not a blogger as good as Brian.)

2. The most troubling revelation emerging from recent commentary on the Red Sox 2004 playoff run is that General Manager Theo Epstein got drunk off of vodka tonics following the disastrous Game 3 of the ALCS. Jose is not troubled that he got drunk, we should be happy he wasn’t shooting smack in canvas alley after that game, it’s how he got drunk..

VODKA TONICS!!! Wait…. Deep breath… VODKA TONICS!!!!!!!! That is not cool. Not cool. It makes Jose deeply suspicious and uneasy. First, a vodka tonic is sort of a jocky drink. And not in a good sense. It’s the type of drink you see fellows with white baseball caps drinking at low end dance clubs. Those guys suck. (Note: If you are one of those guys, Jose was not talking about you. Seriously. He was talking about that other guy with the white hat drinking a vodka tonic.)

Theo could be an exception to the rule, but vodka tonic is not a thinking man’s drink. It is neither cheap, like Pabst nor delicious like good whiskey or a Sam Adams. It is an expensive alcohol delivery system. No more… no less. If Theo was just trying to get drunk, Jose would be much happier if he bought a few 40s of OE.

A sabermetrician should never buy a vodka tonic. It’s inefficient. Let’s break it down. Manny Ramirez is 18 year old scotch, overpriced, but excellent. Euro Bellhorn is Old English Malt Liquor, dirt cheap but it gets the job done. Ramiro Mendoza is Mr. Boston Vodka, terrible but largely unnoticeable when camouflaged by a good rotation (or mixer). So what is the baseball equivalent of a vodka tonic? Jason Giambi? Really expensive and bad but not completely useless? Or is B.K. Kim expensive, but not obscenely expensive and really worthless. Either way, Theo’s drink preference is not a point in his favor. (Note: Of course, he won the World Series, so maybe this is quibbling a tiny, tiny bit.)

3. Speaking of B.K. Kim, he gave a rare interview to the Boston Globe’s Chris Snow, yesterday. Kim told the Canadian reggae legend that he believed he was at about 70 percent following an outing in which his fastball peaked at 87 mph. While most sports writers, fans, teammates, groupies and focus groups are focusing on the negative concerning Kim, Jose prefers to focus on the positive. If Kim is throwing 87 mph at 70 percent, when he is 100 percent, by Jose’s calculations, his fastball will top out at 124 mph. And people don’t want this guy on the roster?

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO CHANGE.


Anonymous said...

Jose - I feel it is imperative (and time is running out) that you do a public service message, to make sure ABSOLUTELY NO ONE goes and sees the disgraceful Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch. Thank you,

Anonymous said...
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