3/5/05 -- Two Game - One KEYS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Congratulations to the Boston Herald’s Jeff Horrigan. After only two days of spring training games, Horrigan has already written the likely winner of the "Worst Lead of the Year" award at the Baseball Writers Association dinner.

Horrigan wrote "Traditionally, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change during his Red Sox career with the patience and enthusiasm of ultra-conservative strategist Karl Rove being asked to time in Al Franken’s liberal rants on Air America Radio." That’s just awful. Terrible. In fairness, Horrigan’s frightening workload, taken on so Tony Castrati can take three week in-season vacations, probably leaves him vulnerable to burnout, but still… that is among the worst leads Jose has ever read.

But what’s that you say Jeff? "Jose it’s easy to talk, but you couldn’t do better." Well, tell you what. Remember the movie Roxanne where Steve Martin has to come up with 20 insults for his large proboscis better than "Big Nose?" (Note: It must be wonderful to wake up and smell the coffee brewing… in Brazil.) Jose will do that right here, right now. Ummm…but not with nose insults. Jose doesn’t know what your nose looks like. He’ll do it with leads.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Carl Everett at the Museum of Natural History."

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Rush Limbaugh at a weight watchers meeting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Curt Euro playing the "quiet game."

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Jason Giambi at a grand jury hearing.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of David Wells during prohibition.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Bill Clinton at marriage counseling.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of George W. Bush in the Alabama National Guard.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of a-Rod stepping in against Brandon Arroyo.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Peyton Manning in a playoff game.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of a Yankees fan at Game 7.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Woody Allen at a Christian Coalition meeting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Mark Blount in a non-contract year.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of the NHL Players Association at the bargaining table.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Jeremy Jacobs when the check arrives.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Barry Bonds at a drug test.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of anyone with tickets to opening day in Tampa.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Kevin Millar at a wine tasting.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Euro Bellhorn in a conversation.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of Harvard, BC or Northeastern drawing BU in round one of the Beanpot.

During his Red Sox career, Manny Ramirez has welcomed change with the patience and enthusiasm of John Kerry at anything.

That’s 20. Count ‘em. Twenty.

2. In the most shocking revelation of Steroidgate thus far, Barry Bonds told reporters yesterday "We’re entertainers. Let us entertain." The closest parallel to that statement Jose can find is when Vince McMahon told the state of New Jersey that pro wrestling was more a form of entertainment than an athletic competition. McMahon broke with the long tradition of insisting wrestling is real, in order to avoid regulation by the New Jersey State Athletic Commission. The admission let to a terrific photo op of then Governor Chrisite Todd Whitman and the Undertaker, and perhaps to Whitman receiving a title belt as the World Champion Tax Cutter. Presumably, she defeated tax themed wrestler Irwin R. Schyster for the title.

Jose’s point is that steroids sort of do make baseball like wrestling. If it becomes about the show, about long, chemically assisted home runs rather than two squads of men competing with their own bodies, then basically it is sports entertainment, an enterprise devoted more towards entertainment than actual athletic competition. (Note: Even though there is not a steroid problem there, as best he knows, Jose could argue that the NBA, with its T-Shirt contests cheerleaders and boom-boom music during play is already sports entertainment.)

3. Finally, Curt Euro has been invited to testify before Congress on the steroid scandal. While Curt has not officially decided to testify, Jose suspects that he has already made up his mind. Is there really a chance that he would turn down the opportunity to sit down in front of a microphone and speak to the nation in front of dozens of TV cameras? After all, during his Red Sox career, Curt Euro has welcomed any opportunity to speak into a microphone with the patience and enthusiasm of Kevin Millar at a KFC.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.