6/28/05 – SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.

Just like his idol Pedro Martinez, Jose is preparing to take a midsummer’s trip to the 15-day DL. Is he hurt? Is he on vacation? Who knows? Is he leaving his team in the lurch? Nope. In order to ensure that there is at least the possibility of KEYS during Jose’s DL stint, Jose has created the SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME, or as he prefers to call it “A gimmick that in no way infringes on Madlibs’ trademark.

Here’s how it works. Jose is posting a set of generic “skeleton” KEYS below that should be more or less valid for any game. Each game day, another of Jose’s readers can fill in the [BRACKETED WORDS]. If you’re a SoSHer post it in the game thread, if not post it as a comment in http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com (note: the wallballsingle.com link is down for some reason, but it should be up again soon) or email Jose at keystothegame@hotmail.com, and Jose will post it himself when he returns. Or don’t… whatever. Like Jose cares.
So here it goes.

It’s time for [OBSCURE RED SOX PLAYER]’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, last night’s game was [ADJECTIVE]. Sure, the Sox [OUTCOME OF GAME], but what [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] really wants to talk about is the performance of [CURRENT RED SOX PLAYER]. He is [BASEBALL ACTIVITY] unbelievably [ADVERB] right now. How [SAME ADVERB] is he playing? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] hasn’t seen a professional athlete perform like this since [PRO WRESLTER] in [YEAR].

The question is, why is he playing so [SAME ADVERB]? Was he bitten by a radioactive and/or genetically modified [ANIMAL OR CARNIVOROUS PLANT]? Is it possible he was struck by a [NOUN]? Or should we apply Occam’s [TOILERTY] and assume that he is simply a very [ADJECTIVE] baseball player.

Whatever the reason, [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would like to make a prediction. If [SAME CURRENT SOX PLAYER] keeps playing like this, Terry Eurona will have to [VERB] him or he will be the [ADJECTIVE] Red Sox manager since [PREVIOUS SOX MANAGER].

2. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] knows that this space is dedicated to following the Red Sox, not the Yankees, but they are such [PLURAL NOUN] that sometimes he can’t help but [VERB] about them. Today [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] feels compelled to [VERB] [NAME OF YANKEE, PLAYER, COACH, OWNER OR EMPLOYEE].

Let [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] be [ADJECTIVE], that guy’s a [NOUN]. How big of a [SAME NOUN] is he? Well, let’s put it this way, if he was a super villain he would be [SUPER VILLAIN], but without the [NOUN]. Not only does he make like [NUMBER] [CURRENCY] per year, his [STATISTICAL CATEGORY] numbers are lousy. He’s only at [NUMBER] this year. Big deal.

How much does he [ADJECTIVE]? [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] would rather have [CRAPPY RED SOX INFIELDER FROM HISTORY] than this guy, and [SAME INFIELDER] be lucky to have [NUMBER] [STASTICAL CATEGORY] if everything went right for him.

3. And on a final note, congratulations to [RED SOX PLAYER, COACH, EMPLOYEE OR OWNER] on his [BASEBALL ACCOMPLISHMENT OR LIFE EVENT] yesterday. There are a lot of [ADJECTIVE] people in baseball, so it’s nice to see one of the [ADJECTIVE] guys get what’s coming to him. [FIRST NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] only wishes that the [ADJECTIVE] reporters in this town would stop being such [PLURAL NOUN] and give this sort of thing the coverage that it so [ADVERB] deserves.

I’m [FULL NAME OF SAME OBSCURE PLAYER] and those are me KEYS TO THE GAME.
So that should give you something to tide you over while Jose is drinking cold beer and… err.. undergoing intensive physical therapy and rehab.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my SKELETON KEYS TO THE GAME.

For complete KEYS visit http://redsox.mostvaluablenetwork.com