Wednesday, August 10

8/10/05 – Balki vs. Ballistic

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The arbitrator who yesterday reduced the suspension of Rangers starter Kenny Rogers for thrice beating a cameraman from 20 games to 13 games has been roundly criticized for being far too lenient on the righty and allowing him to miss only two starts. (Note: In his comments MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said “I am not a happy Commissioner.” Is sounded awkward, almost like he couldn’t say “I am not a happy man” because it would be a lie—because he isn’t a man. That’s right. This confirms Jose’s long held suspicion that like Sam Cassell and Eric Williams, Bud Selig is an alien bent on destroying the human race. Fortunately for us the only way he knows how to destroy anything is with labor strife and poor media relations, so while baseball may be screwed, the human race will probably survive.)

Jose thinks that this criticism is ill-advised and frankly uncalled for. Has it occurred to anyone that maybe, just maybe the arbitrator has made Rogers’ punishment more severe? That’s right. Now, instead of sitting around wondering what the trademark implications would be if he started his own eponymous fried chicken business, Rogers has to go out and get his *ss beat by the Boston Red Sox. How, oh how, is that being lenient?

For today's complete KEYS visit

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