Monday, March 12

Shoulder, Back, Buttocks and Ribs: The Carl Pavano Story

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. The Yankees take on the Red Sox tonight in what is sure to be the tensest a spring training game can get. Way more tense than the BC game. According to Jose’s sources, authorities in Fort Myers are preparing for the game by summoning extra ambulances and first aid personnel. It’s not that they’re afraid of riots or anything, it’s just that Carl Pavano is pitching, so you know he’s going to take up at least one ambulance, so you need an extra in case someone in the stands gets schistosomiasis or something.

And it could get much worse. Pavano has always been skilled at injuring himself, but like any “true Yankee” he has stepped up his game since coming to New York. Not only has he sustained injuries to his own “shoulder, back, buttocks and ribs" but he is now injuring people around him as well. Pavano missed his last spring training start dealing with his girlfriend’s “severe medical condition.” (Note: Does herpes count as a severe medical condition?) Moreover, Pavano is being sued by a man for car accident last year wherein Pavano hit the man with his Porsche. Pavano broke two ribs in the crash. Pavano has also reportedly been seen in Hiroshima in 1945, in Phuket on Christmas 2004. Also, for those of you unsatisfied with the inconclusive ending to the film Zodiac, Jose is pretty sure Carl Pavano had something to do with it.

How bad is Pavano hurting himself and others? Let’s put it this way, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer has proposed closing the entire New York health care funding gap by having Pavano killed.

2. New Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick has gotten off to a rough start as scandals involving an expensive inaugural, a helicopter, a Cadillac, a phone call to Citigroup on behalf of Ameriquest, new office furnishings, an assistant for his wife and his wife’s depression have taken focus from his governing agenda.

Now, Jose supports Patrick, he was a delegate for him at the state Democratic Convention and voted for him right on through, but he is amazed that someone who ran such a brilliant campaign can get off to such a politically tone deaf start. Not all of you are Massachusetts residents and not all of you who are politicos, so Jose thought he would explain Governor Patrick’s struggles in terms you can understand. What would a new Red Sox manager have to do to get off to this bad of a start? (Note: Jose could just say, view the Joe Kerrigan era, but that wouldn’t be any fun would it?)

  • After announcing that this “will not be a 25 guys 25 cabs team” he arrives late to spring training after sailing down from Boston on private yacht named “Cab 1.”
  • Redecorates managerial office with money that could have been spent on a closer.
  • Announces that his wife will have her own batting practice pitcher because she plans to take a “more hands on role” than previous manager’s wives.
  • Calls George Steinbrenner to talk him out of plan to acquire Barry Bonds instead of Vlad Guerrero.
  • States that in light of increasingly difficult budgetary climate, the “overly optimistic goal of winning the division will be replaced with the more sensible goal of finishing a solid third.”
  • Stands silent as the federal government deports David Ortiz.
  • Speaks up when the federal government tries to deport Julian Tavarez.

That’s the kind of start Governor Patrick is off to. Still, it could be worse. He has yet to fire his Chief-of-Staff and replace her with Joe Kerrigan. (Note: It’s National Beat on Joe Kerrigan day, join in… jokes about stolen bases are encouraged.)

3. What do you think Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Sox skipper Terry Eurona were discussing yesterday in the dugout? The way Jose sees it there are only two possibilities: the rigors of coaching in a high intensity sports town like Boston or sweatshirts. Jose is going with sweatshirts. Belichick is, of course, famous for the ratty cut off hooded sweatshirts he wears during games. Tito, similarly, if less famously, wears a red fleece sweatshirt in the dugout.

Also, it is rumored that the two are working on a book together about management. The reported title is “Everything I Know about Management I Learned from my Sweatshirt”

A few teaser quotes:

  • A good manager is like a sweatshirt, warm but not smothering.
  • Much like a sweatshirt, it doesn’t matter how a manager looks as long as he gets the job done.
  • An organization is like a sweatshirt, if there’s a part you don’t need, you can just cut it off.

Jose thinks there is something to this. After all how many championships had the Sox and Pats won in the 86 years before the sweatshirts? Couldn’t someone buy a nice green hoodie for Doc Rivers?

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.


Anonymous said...

Great writing, man! Love the stuff about the sweatshirts.

Devine said...


Ahem, yes...