Friday, April 13

Executive Privilege

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. KEYS TO THE GAME comes to you today from our nation’s capitol, Washington, D.C., mere steps from the White House where President George W. Bush is no doubt debating whether, if he traded Sammy Sosa to Iraq, Sosa might, with the help of drugs, emerge as exactly the sort of strong man Iraq needs. (Note: If there were controlled substances that enhanced governance like performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) enhance athletic performance, would we be opposed to them? Would we regard it as cheating? Jose has heard that these drugs may already exist. He thinks they’re called governance Enhancing Drugs, or GEDs. He hears people talk about getting them all the time, and how much better their lives will be after they get a GED, so he figures they must be pretty effective. Jose thinks pretty much everyone in the Bush administration should score some GEDs, because they certainly don’t seem to have them now.)

Anyway, President Bush is the first U.S. President to previously serve as President of a Major League Baseball team (note: Clinton’s fantasy team the Little Rock Little Cocks, does not count), and Jose wonders what he might do, now with six years of presidential leadership under his belt, if called upon to take over a team today? Since Jose has no interest in what he would do should he take leadership over the Texas Rangers, let us contemplate what he would do if given the reins of the Boston Red Sox.

• Fire Theo Epstein and replace him with the President of BC College Republicans. It’s not because Theo is a Democrat, but rather because he is insufficiently vigilant in taking action against the many immigrants on the team. Or was it that he’s a weak manager?
• Elevate bullpen terror alert to orange “High risk of terror from bullpen performance.”
• Establish new Department of Homefield Security, dedicated to wiretaps. Hire 30 agents needed to monitor all of Curt Euro’s calls.
• Establish faith-based base running programs.
• Reward Manny’s attention to detail by making him manager, giving him medal.
• Issue declaration that the Red Sox have not conceded defeat in 2006 AL East race. Vow to continue 2006 season until Red Sox win division.
• Declare the 2006 Red Sox the AL East champions, even though they did not win the most games, hire army of lawyers to enforce claim.
• Insist that the luxury tax on the Yankees should be cut in order make life better for the Kansas City Royals and Minnesota Twins.
• Order abduction and torture of Omar Minaya, because his first name sounds Arabic.
• Encourage Hazel Mae to pose for pictures pointing at genitals of naked, Kevin Millar.
• Award huge, no-bid contract to Manny Ramirez… wait that one really happened.

2. As Jose was driving to work yesterday (note: or being driven more accurately). You don’t think that award winning bloggers drive themselves do you? Of course not, they hop in their swank Ford Contours and have their fathers drive them), he saw a brilliant business concept, one of those few ideas that is a virtual license to print money. Real money. Euros, not worthless U.S. dollars.

Now, Jose is no great businessman, to be honest he finds the fact that food appears on grocery store shelves as nothing short of miraculous, but he knew that this idea was a winner when he saw it. You know how it is. Sometimes you see an idea that’s so simple, so perfect that you just know it’s going to make a ton of money, like Crystal Pepsi or the war in Iraq, and you can’t help but wonder how you didn’t come up with it yourself,

As Jose’s vehicle jerked to a stop on Charles Street, it was there, right in front of him on the back of a tired looking truck— A Web site that provides skilled professionals trained to control the Yankees? It’s a goldmine. Imagine that the Yankees are coming to town for, let’s say a critical five game season determining series. You’re short staffed and your bullpen is thin, so what do you do? Do you panic and blow five games? Do you turn on your future Hall of Fame left fielder? No, you just call Yankee Pest Control and let them fix the problem.

And why should this be limited to Boston? They can probably travel right? Why couldn’t Tampa Bay or Baltimore contract for their services too?

So Jose thought he would check it out, see if he could get a number, or have some pamphlets sent to Tito. Talk about disappointment. Rather than featuring pictures of A-Rod, Giambi, Jeter and the like with big red Xs through them, there were pictures of termites, carpenter ants and rodents. Not a single Yankee to be found. (Note: Well, almost. Jose is pretty sure there was a picture of Jorge Posada on there, though it might have been a rat.)

As Jose did a little more research, he discovered two more disturbing things. First this company is dedicated primarily to killing. That’s not cool. Jose doesn’t like the Yankees, but he certainly doesn’t want them killed. (Note/Bad Taste Alert: Has anyone looked into what this company was doing when Thurman Munson and Corey Lidle took their famous flights?) Second, they appear to be far more focused on controlling insects than on controlling Yankees, in which case they should really consider calling themselves Insect Pest Control.

Still as disheartening as this discovery is, the good news, for any entrepreneurs out there, is that a market niche still exists. Find a niche and fill it, right? There are Yankees out there just begging to be controlled, who will be man enough to do the job? Jose’s thinking Mr. Matsu. Those Japanese are pretty good entrepreneurs.

3. Jose did the right thing yesterday.

Jose can look out the window. Jose can read a weather map. Jose can analyze a Doppler radar reading and he didn’t like what he saw. The rain was on its way, on its way with a vengeance, and it was going to wash the Seattle Mariners right on out of town. So you know what Jose did? He called it. At 11:03 AM Eastern Daylight Time yesterday, Jose called it. He reached the conclusion that it was going to rain for too hard and too long to get a KEYS in, so he stopped it right there and then, unlike Red Sox owner John W. Henry who waited until four or five PM to call the game.

Shame on John Henry. He allowed fans to sit there sucking down beer and popcorn and Luis Tiant brand Cuban sandwiches for a good three hours after the gates opened before he bowed to the inevitable wrath of the gods. But not Jose. Jose wanted to be responsible to his fans, and to be on the level with them. So he made the decision not to write at 11:03. Sure he didn’t tell you guys, but you knew didn’t you? Of course, because everyone knows you cannot operate a laptop in the rain. You just can’t. The water plays total havoc on the keyboard.

And you know what the consequences were? Jose gave up potential thousands in concession sales. Sure no one has bought anything in months, but this could have been the day where people started flowing into the KEYS store and buying books, thongs and t-shirts. Yes, Jose could have left you there quaffing six dollar glasses of watered down Jose Brau and scarfing down “Jose Jot Dogs” at $4.25 a pop, but he didn’t and you know why? Because he respects and cares about his fans. Also, he is apparently unlicensed to sell beer and sausage on the net.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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