Thursday, April 26

FRAUD?!? A Play in One Act

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. October, Hours before Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS
(Curt Euro sits alone in the visiting locker room and Yankee Stadium. Doug Mirabelli enters.)

DOUGIE: Hey Curt, how’s it going? Ready for the game tonight?

CURT: Jeez… Doug I don’t know. I was so awful in Game 1, and now I’ve got to got out there again, in front of all of those angry Yankees fans? It’s kind of scary.

DOUGIE: Come on, there shouldn’t be that much pressure on you. After all, everyone knows you’re injured, so if you have a rough night, no one should be too surprised.

CURT: (looking sheepish) Umm… Doug. You know I made that up right?


CURT: I was so bad the other night. All I was brought here to do was to beat the Yankees and I couldn’t do it, because I’m just not man enough. Or Jesus doesn’t love me enough or something. I needed some sort of excuse, some sort of out to takes the heat off so I said I was hurt.


CURT: Yeah, I know. I faked tweaking the ankle in Game One against the Angles just so I would have an excuse if things didn’t work against the Yankees.

DOUGIE: That’s diabolical.

CURT: Don’t use big words Doug, it’s not you.

DOUGIE: Sorry, it was my word of the day. Yesterday was “salient.”

CURT: No problem. So what I can’t figure out is what to do now. I know I still have the injury excuse, but I feel like it’s not enough. I mean, lot’s of guys play through injuries and do fine.

DOUGIE: So you need something more?

CURT: Yeah like a splint, or a special shoe, but something that won’t keep from pitching on the off chance that I do have good stuff tonight.

DOUGIE: What about, like, attaching a bear trap to your leg?

CURT: Come on Dougie.

DOUGIE: You know I don’t think so good. Wait… I got it.

CURT: Yeah?

DOUGIE: I’ll shoot you in the ankle.

CURT: Doug that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.

DOUGIE: Sorry. I’m trying it’s just that when I was a kid I got dropped on my head… and it screwed up my brain. There was blood everywhere and—

CURT: Blood? (Thinks) Dougie you’re a genius!!! Well, no, actually you’re pretty dim, but that’s a hell of an idea.

DOUGIE: Thanks Curt… I think.

CURT: Do you have a red marker on you?

DOUGIE: Yeah of course, I always keep one on me in case I need to fake bloody panties. That’s how I convince groupies that I knock up that they’re having their periods after all. Then we get drunk together and do some blow, since they don’t figure there’s any baby to harm. Then, they lose the baby. Smart right? Grenadine mixed with chocolate syrup works too.

CURT: Sweet… (Takes the marker) So a little color here, and presto, I’m fighting heroically through a bleeding ankle. We can even make up a back story about Doc Morgan sewing me up in some crazy new procedure.

DOUGIE: Awesome.

CURT: It sure is Dougie. It sure is. Of course, after the season I’ll have to have a massive surgery and basically pitch terribly in 2005 as a cover up, but I think it will be worth it, right?

DOUGIE: Yeah. But after the surgery we should make sure Doc Morgan gets fired, you know so if he says anything, everyone will just assume he has an axe to grind.

CURT: Perfect. Well, I think we’ve got all of the loose ends tied up.

DOUGIE: Uh huh… It’s the perfect plan. If you pitch well, you’re a legend, if you don’t you battled through a real bad injury but just couldn’t pull it off.

CURT: There’s just one more thing.

DOUGIE: Yeah, what’s that?

CURT: What ever you do don’t tell Gary Thorne. If that intrepid journalist, that latter day muckraker found out, it would blow the lid off the whole scam.

DOUGIE: Don’t worry. I’ll never tell, and even if I do get drunk and tell him about it, you and I could denounce him. Theo, Lucchino and Tito would all say how pissed they are and he’ll look like a fool. He’ll look even dumber than me.

CURT: Perfect. Defraud the public and then humiliate Gary Thorne if he gets in our way.


The bloody sock is fraud like the moon landing and dinosaurs.
If it's real than why is there no bloody sock in the Bible?

I couldn't agree more, Carl.

2. According to the Globe, the Red Sox’s many Latin players were surprised when they learned recently that hitting coach Dave Magadan, is the child of two Spaniards and speaks fluent Spanish. While fellow Spanish speakers J.C. Romero and Julio Lugo expressed surprise and delight at the news, one Red Sox seemed absolutely stunned and shaken.

“I knew his parents were from Spain man,” said left fielder Manny Ramirez, shaking his head. “But this is a big surprise. I had no idea, they spoke Spanish there. That’s crazy. Are they all Dominicans over there or something? Or are they, like, Mexicans?”

3. A Handy jingle for the Red Sox to remember as they face Orioles Lefty Adam Loewen tonight. (Note: To the tune of the legendary Loewnbrau jingle.)

Here’s to offense,
His fastball’s, nothing special,
His curveball’s poor,
I thing we’re gonna score some now,
So tonight…
Let’s slap around Loewenbrau

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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