Thursday, May 3

Japan Night at Fenway

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. It’s Japan night at Fenway Park as Mr. Matsu battles Ichiro Suzuki with not one, but two Japanese American Red Sox bloggers looking on. Tonight, Jose will attend his third game of the season (note: record 2-0) as the guest of empyrealenvirons, who played a critical role in the graphic design of this very blog.

On such a special occasion, it became clear quite quickly that this arrangement would demand some sort of special bloging shtick. Leading to the following exchange of emails.

Jose: Jose feels like you and Jose need to come up with some sort of shared shtick for this game. The two Japanese-American Red Sox bloggers watching Matsu vs. Ichiro. There's got to be something we can come up with.

Empyreal: Thought of something: do it in "whiteface." Not literally paint, but pretend we're white people and say the things we hear all the time because of our appearance.

Jose: Have you seen a picture of Jose? He’s only 1/8 Japanese. Jose does life in whiteface.

Empyreal: :) Sorry, never saw a picture; hope I didn't offend 7/8s of you.

Yes, it’s Japan night at Fenway, and let us all hope that if Mr. Matsu decides to pitch in whiteface tonight it’s as Josh Beckett and not as Ricky Trlicek.

2. Kudos to the Boston Herald for an uncharacteristic display of conscientious journalism. Sure they ran a front page photo of Patriots quarterback/demigod Tom Brady wearing a Yankees cap with the headline “Yanks for nothing Brady…Tom, Say It Ain’t So!” a sensationalistic, pointless story, that doubtless has nothing to do with the Herald’s plunging circulation. But that’s okay, because the sub-head was 100% accurate as it read “‘Shocking’ details in the Inside Track.”

That’s right, they put “shocking” in quotes. They actually admitted through the use of those cute little quotation marks that their front page story is neither newsworthy nor shocking.

You know how some people make quotes with their fingers when they are saying something they regard a preposterous? For instance, how Carl Everett might say “I was 6 years old when man first ‘walked on the moon?’” It’s like that. Jose is glad that this is now an accepted journalistic technique and will use it to make the following statements:

  • Jose is “devastated” to hear the Yankees Rookie Phillip Hughes will be out four to six weeks.
  • By all reckoning, Dour Mirabelli is a “fantastic human being” and “adds a lot to this team.”
  • Joe Torre is a “handsome” man with “excellent” personal hygiene.
  • The ladies at the Inside Track are “absolutely not” bloated harpies who traffic in human misery.
  • Beer at Fenway Park is “reasonably priced” at seven dollars.
  • Tito Eurona is the best Red Sox manager in Jose’s life time. See, no quotes on that one.

3. The term “Horatio Alger story” is used to describe any story of someone who climbs from rags and desolation to a respected place in society through hard work and determination. It is a tribute to the works of novelist Horatio Alger who wrote 135 novels that have this triumph of pluck as their central theme. Modern examples of Horatio Alger Stories include Pretty Woman and the original Star Wars trilogy.

Tonight, the Red Sox go against Seattle lefty Horacio Ramirez, who’s life is not a Horatio Alger story. Quite to the contrary, a Horacio Ramirez story, after tonight’s game, will be a term used to describe a quick and catastrophic failure that results in the protagonist crying like a little girl. Modern examples include Titanic, many football games coached by Dick Vermeil and the 1972 Ed Muskie campaign.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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