The Madness of King Julian

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. KEYS TO THE GAME PRESENTS
Ages of Empire

Today’s volume: Julian Tavarez

Jose is not even going to go through the motions on this one. Rather, he will back away from the elegant charade that there is any empire in this age, or any other, that can capture the madness of Julian Tavarez. Neither the Rome of Caligula, the emperor who made his horse a Senator, nor the British Empire run by the mad king George the III can fully capture the lunacy of Tavarez. To find an appropriate imperial analogy one must shake off the bonds of our reality and slip through the looking glass to the world of fiction. And there, only there, does the answer become clear. The correct analogy for Julian Tavarez is the Galactic Empire.

Now many of you, the nerdiest among you anyway, are no doubt asking which Galactic Empire Jose is talking about, the one from Star Wars or the one from Isaac Asimov’s Foundation trilogy. To which Jose answers neither and riposte’s with a question: Are you serious? Is there anything about either of those fictional empires that even approaches the pure batsh*t insanity that has led Sons of Sam Horn posters to call Tavarez “guano?”

The only Galactic Empire, hell, the only empire of any kind that even begins to approximate Tavarez’s madness is the one in Spaceballs. (Note to Nerds: Yes, technically the Spaceballs are from the planet Spaceball, and are not a Galactic Empire. How’s that for specificity? Are those of you who heckled Jose about the differences between Korea and Vietnam in his last post happy?)

Let’s break down the comparison. For starters, For starters, Tavarez in a batting helmet is not so different from the giant helmed Lord Dark Helmet, played by Rick Moranis. Second, the top two speeds on the spaceship Spaceball One are ridiculous speed and ludicrous speed; those are the bottom two speeds for Tavarez. Third, Jose has heard that Tavarez is known to go around the locker room saying “I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.” Finally, the only thing Jose can thing of that is more improbable than Tavarez’s emergence as a reliable starter is the scheduled resurrection of Spaceballs in animated form this fall.

Okay, that’s it. You know, what that’s a terrible analogy. But what else can you come up with for Tavarez? The guy isn’t imperial, he isn’t regal. He is simply effective, fun and more than a little nutty. Actually, that’s a lot like Spaceballs.

2. Tonight the Red Sox make their first appearance at San Diego’s PETCO Park where a certain animal rights organization made headlines by taking advantage of the “Buy a Brick” program, which allowed sponsors to help finance the stadium by purchasing a brick with a message on it. This organization encoded a message the read Break Open Your Cold Ones! Toast The Padres! Enjoy This Champion Organization!

If you take the first letter of each word, it spells out BOYCOTT PETCO.

Really, the Padres should have caught on. Why would anyone inaccurately classify them as “champion” unless they desperately needed a “C.?”

That said, this effort did give Jose an idea. With the new Yankee Stadium being built, perhaps there are some opportunities to send a message to the Bronx.

• Just Excellence. That’s Every Ring See, Unless Counting King Steinbrenner’s
• Put Outs? Steal Attempts? Driven Aroma? I Seek A Leader. Intangibles. Tight, Taut Legs. Enormous… Biceps? I Tremble for Clutch Hitting
• Congratulations Loser. Even Moneymen Eventually Need Someone In Search Of Very Enormous, Rotund Professional Athletes In Denial.

Jose only regrets that he couldn’t come up with something for. THE YANKEES ARE A CLASSLESS ORGANIZATION THAT HAS SPENT MORE THAN A BILLION DOLLARS SINCE THEIR LAST CHAMPIONSHIP.

3. David Murphy was called up from Pawtucket for the weekend series in San Diego. Jose thinks that it is great that the Red Sox will have an actually Dropkick Murphy on hand to sing Tessie

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.