Managing Lugo

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose is pretty sure that he has figured out how the Red Sox can get out of the slumping Julio Lugo’s distressingly long four year contract—sexual harassment charges.

Lugo reportedly told Boston Globe reporter Amelie Benjamin that he is having trouble sleeping. While to many that might sound like a perfectly innocent comment that Lugo is distressed by his low batting average, to a trained litigator, it is clearly a come on, a suggestion that the young reporter should help him “do something” about his inability to sleep.

Come on bear with Jose, he’s trying to help the team out here. If you have a better idea, he is more than happy to hear it. Of course, the existing comment is not quite enough to bring a real complaint, so Jose calls upon Ms. Benjamin to do know what needs to be done and ask Lugo the questions that will lead to enough borderline suggestive comments to establish a pattern.

A few suggestions:

Amelie: Are you disappointed that you haven’t hit more homeruns this year?
Julio: I’m very upset that I’m not hitting home runs. I love to hit home runs.

Amelie: Do you think your size has contributed to your power outage? You’re not that big.
Julio: Hey, I’m plenty big.

Amelie: Sexualharassersayswhat?
Julio: What?

Amelie: Do you agree that Jose Melendez is a piggish *sshole, who has disrespected me and all female sports reporters by even suggesting a sexual tone to this perfectly innocent conversation?
Julio: Wanna f*ck?

Jose should say, in order to be respectful, that it doesn’t have to be Amelie Benjamin who asks the questions. If could be any female reporter, or even an androgynous male one. Jose is equal opportunity like that.

2. As the Sox prepare for this four game series, Jose hopes they are ready to deal with this right reliever Benoit. Jose’s heard he has killer stuff.

3. The Yankees caught a break last night, when umpires declined to call the game due to downpours when the Yankees were trailing 6-4 after 6. Instead, the umps allowed the seventh to begin and the Yankees scored four runs to take an 8-6 lead before the game was “suspended.”

Under major league rules, since the bottom of the inning was not completed after the visitors took the lead in the top of the inning, the game must be suspended and completed on a later date. This doesn’t make any sense to Jose.

Whenever Red Sox players get suspended they miss one day, five days, ten days, whatever, but yesterday the entire Yankee team, and the Oriole for that matter get suspended, and all they have to do is make up 2.5 innings later? That’s crazy. It’s like one of those in-school suspensions, where you still have to go to school and do all of your work, but they just write down on your transcript that you were suspended because they’re total d*cks.

Or wait, maybe there’s one other possibility. You know how British women, like on Are You Being Served? and what not call garter belts suspenders? Maybe it’s like that and they just halted the game because the Yankees were having trouble keeping their stockings up?

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO GAME.