Wednesday, March 26

So...Very... Tired

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Thoughts on the opening day victory.

• Upon receiving a 1,000,000 yen for being the player of the game Manny Ramirez quipped, “I think I’ll use it for gas money.”

This is downright irresponsible and could drive rampant speculation that gas prices will climb still higher. Manny is no longer on Jose’s list for fed chairman.

• Baseball at breakfast is great! You wake up in the morning with no food in your stomach, so you get drunk a lot faster.,

• How many times do you think Manny has asked to see the Great Wall?

• When the Sox get back to the postseason, does Tim McCarver call Brandon Moss “Bronson” Moss or does he call him something completely different?

• Wait you want more? Jose is writing this at one in the morning. Ungrateful bastards.

2. In today’s installment of “baseball for evasive politicians” Jose will examine how Hillary Rodham Clinton could use baseball to gloss over the fact that her dangerous trip to Tuzala, Bosnia and Herzegovina was actually a cakewalk with Sinbad and Sheryl Crow.

If Jose were handling crisis communications her statement today would have read
While it is obvious to anyone who reviews the video that my trip to Tuzla was not dangerous, and my vivid accounts of sniper fire, mad dashes and bear attacks were exaggerated, you cannot, must no judge these comments without putting them in the appropriate cultural context.

As you know, I represent the state of New York in the U.S. Senate, and for New Yorkers and a Yankee fans, it is custom to exaggerate to the point of nonsense. In recent years, the cultural bias against my people has receded, and rather than pointing out the inconsistencies of New Yorkers, our fellow Americans have supported our traditions. For instance, when New Yorkers claimed that Derek Jeter was an excellent shortstop, did the nation protest? When he gained acclaim by making routine plays look spectacular did FOX mouthpieces object? No, they complemented his elegant gait and awarded him with a gold glove award.

Under this standard, the Jeter Standard, my spectacular effort to make a routine ceremonial mission look like a spectacular diplomatic coup should be heralded by the employees of Rupert Murdoch and lead to me winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
OK, maybe this one is a bit of an uphill struggle, but its still way better than her campaign’s current argument that she “misspoke” How does one say “sniper fire” by mistake? The only possible misspeaking Jose can think of is that she meant to say she was there on a “snipe hunt” which is, by definition, a fool’s errand.

3. In 1762, the great French Philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau (note: not to be confused with French-Canadian wrestler, Jacques Rousseau a.k.a “The Mountie”) wrote a book entitled Emile: Or, On Education. The treatise outlines an elaborate educational philosophy that includes the teaching of citizenship, morality, a trade and sentiment.

It does not, however, teach baserunning, which is unfortunate for Oakland outfielder Emil Brown. Brown, representing the tying run, was caught between second and third with one out in the bottom of the tenth.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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