Thursday, August 14

Jose's Routine

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Last night, Jose had the privilege of watching, or even listening to a baseball game, for the first time since Jon Lester’s no hitter. Jose has had periods of absence from the game a couple of times in the past (note: actually Jose disappears every six years, he is like the opposite of a Senate candidate.), but he has never had a spell like this before.

Sure, Jose tried to keep up, but it was difficult, so he created a basic routine. It went like this.

6:00 AM Wake up.
6:05 AM Start coffee brewing
6:10 AM Log onto to dial up Internet service. via sketchy Chinese box.
6:15 AM Type “Red Sox” into Google window in Firefox.
6:20 AM Wait five minutes and pray that the score shows up in the Google Web search.
6:25 AM Swear because the score has not shown up in the Google Web search
6:30 AM Enter “Red Sox” in Google news.
6:35 AM Wait five minutes, get coffee.
6:40 AM Swear some more because there was no game the previous night it turns out, so Jose wasted 25 minutes searching for nothing.
6:50 AM Check Google news for Yankees score.
7:00 AM Dial up disconnects.
7:15 AM Get Yankees score
7:20 AM Celebrate over latest Yankees injury
7:30 AM Check Tampa Bay score.
7:35 AM Get no results because Jose googled “Devil Rays”
7:45 AM Get “Rays” results
7:50 AM Go into shock from feeling obliged to check Rays scores
11:45 AM Come out of shock
12 Noon Lunch

So as you can see Jose enjoyed, for the most part pretty full mornings that combined the excitement of waiting with the philosophical depth of contemplating the Tampax Bay Rays.

2. Jose got something nice in the mail the other day. It was an ad for the 24th Annual Three Apples Storytelling Festival in Bedford. At first Jose thought it was in New Bedford, but then he noticed it was not written in Portuguese nor did it smell of kale. (Note: Just kidding New Bedford. Jose loves you and was just there the other day. Also, Jose would have liked it better if the mail had smelled like kale soup.)

Among the performers appearing at this cultural event is Tim Van Egmond, who, as we all know, must be the guy who once pitched for the Red Sox. Jose has mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, good for him for learning a craft, unlike that bum Nate Minchey. On the other hand, perhaps if he had spent more time on his curveball and less name on his dance calling and hammered dulcimer playing, he would have had a better career ERA than 5.96. Of course, to beat on Minchey again, Minchey does not play the hammered dulcimer or even the limberjack, and his ERA was 6.75.

3. On a more somber note, just a reminder that today is the Jimmy Fund Telethon, and Jose urges you to kick in for this great cause.

In order to ease any concerns you might have, Jose reminds you that not one dime from the fundraiser goes to Jimy Williams. Yes, Jose knows that you knew that. Relax, it was a joke. Obviously, the money doesn’t go to Jimy Williams. It is reserved for the needy people, the true heroes among us, who spell their name Jimmy, like Jimmy Key, Jimmy Rodgers and on the rare occasions he is feeling frisky, Jimmy Rice. Also, cancer. It fights cancer too.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME

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