Wednesday, September 15

From SoSH: Re: 9/15 - Sox vs. Rays -- Taking it home

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. As much as Jose is infuriated by the Red Sox bowing to yet another rookie pitcher they’d never seen before , he has to hand it to young Scott Kazmir. (Note: Hopefully the Yankees haven’t noticed this or they’ll be bringing up their AA team to pitch to us, maybe that 45 year old Almonte kid from the Bronx). Not only did the 20 year old show tremendous poise before an enormous, juiced up Fenway crowd, he managed to pitch well despite the fact that two nuclear powers lay claim to him. After last night’s performance, Jose can see why India and Pakistan have gone to war over him on three occasions. He would be brilliant on the cricket pitch.

2. Jose would have been concerned about injury to Umlaut at any time, but usually the knowledge that Kevin Youklis was waiting in the wings would calm his jangled nerves, but not now, dear God not now. Tonight, missing Umlaut is really going to hurt. Jose can only assume that Mark Bellhorn will be your starting third baseman tonight and Pokey Reese will be your second baseman, what with tonight being Rosh Hashanah or ‘Jewish New Year,” the second holiest day on the Jewish calendar. (Note: Instead of saying “Buenos Noches” Amigos tonight could Jerry Remy say “Shana Tova Amigos” tonight—happy New Year amigos—you know, to reach out to the Juan Epsteins—or Theo Epsteins out there?) The Sox also stand to lose The Jewish God of Walks (Therefore the only God) and The World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew for the September 24 game against the Yankees(Note: Yom Kippur) …unless…you know… they’re as observant as Jose who has been known to eat ham and cheese and trip his sideburns on all manner of holy days. This is the only time Jose will say this, but he would prefer that they not be like Sandy Koufax.

3. Yes, yes Jose knows that it was malicious and wrong, but there was a little part of Jose that was glad to see Rangers reliever Frank Francisco give a chair shot to a couple of fans two nights ago. It is not that Jose likes to see people get hurt; he does not. What he does like, however, is the possibilities this creates, the possibilities to bring the genius of pro wrestling into baseball in a richer way.

Imagine it is game three of the ALCS, Red Sox/Yankees live from Fenway Park. In the third inning, Bronson Arroyo pitches A-Rod inside and the jittery slugger takes exception. As he trots down to first, A-Rod, not bright enough to learn his lesson no matter how many times he visits Harvard’s campus, talks back to Jason Varitek yet again. Varitek approaches A-Rod, but this time A-Rod sucker punches him. Varitek, a tough SOB, refuses to drop from A-Rod’s flimsy punch and a brawl ensues. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a cloud of blinding green mist shoots from Varitek's mouth blinding Rodriguez. As A-Rod squirms, Varitek drops the big leg for the pin 1-2-3.

Jose knows the blinding mist is traditionally an Asian thing (Note: Jose knows he uses it every time he gets in a fight) but since BK Kim isn’t likely to be on the roster, Tek seemed as good a person as anyone to engage the deadly arts of the Orient.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Local 37-9 said...

You're (more) famous now than ever.

-Local 37-9

GoldenGeneration said...

For some reason, I feel that Eric Neel's apology is a little bit less than sincere. Just a little.

Go get him, Jose! Forget Tony Castrati. There's a new target in town.

Anonymous said...

Does Jose know he has recieved a backhanded apology from Eric Neel?
We may need to see some additional Neel bashing, coming to the Keys soon...

-SoSH Lurker

Anonymous said...

sorry guys, but i didnt know where else to go - are we not allowed to lurk on the new site anymore? why does it ask for username and password - any way to get through to the main board? many thanks in advance.
lurker in purgatory