Friday, September 17

From SoSH: Re: 9/17 - Sox vs. Yanks -- Here we go

It's time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Today was supposed to be the day Jose really brought the hammer down on Eric Kneel. He was going to be Kurt Rambis to Jose’s Kevin McHale, Moondog Spot to Jose’s Hulk Hogan, Alf to Jose’s Major Dad. Jose was going to go on about his mother, make other jokes about why his name is Kneel (think about why some people kneel) and generally shred the guy, but Jose just can’t do it. Why? Because Eric Kneel discovered Jose Melendez’s kryptonite.

Jose had Kneel right where he wanted him and was poised to snap shut the pincers and deliver the touch of death (Note: Mixing metaphors is fantastic), and then…then Eric Kneel wrote Jose a really nice letter...not obsequious nice, just friendly and complementary. He explained that he was glad Jose had played along with the sarcastic good humor, and that he really enjoyed Jose’s stuff. Then Jose sent him a reply suggesting that he take further pot shots and pointing out that feuds are good for business. After all Family Feud has made it through four hosts. (Note: As Jose pointed out in a previous KEYS.) Eric Kneel sent another answer asking for Jose’s story and his opinion on the Sox. Now it is possible that Jose is being suckered and Eric Kneel will use his kneeling posture to deliver a low blow, but it just doesn’t feel like it.

Quite simply, Jose cannot be cruel and vicious to someone who appears to be so nice. Jose thinks of himself as a nice person, and that demands that niceness be reciprocated. Maybe this is why Jose isn’t a sports reporter. Jose recalls Shaughnessy writing about how Wade Boggs had been so nice to his daughter when she was fighting cancer and then he still had to go rip him. Jose couldn’t do it…unless he was getting paid a lot.

So here are Jose’s options. One, Eric Kneel officially becomes Jose’s pal, and Jose will only say nice things about him and compliment his baseball wisdom, writing skill and personal hygiene. Two, Jose attacks Kneel so viciously that Kneel will be forced to either become an ass right back or completely be Jose’s bitch. This is what mean people do. They make one sink to their level or be overwhelmed. Three, Jose continues to rip Kneel publicly, but carries on a cordial posture in any communications that are not public.

The third seems like the way to go. You all will read Jose and Eric Kneel spewing bile at each other and assume we’re enemies with hate running through our veins. Then one day you’ll read a story about how Eric Kneel was arrested for driving drunk on the Jersey Turnpike and Jose Melendez was in the passenger seat, and you’ll say “Weren’t these two supposed to hate each other?” Don’t say it could never happen. It happened to the Iron Sheik and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when they were feuding about which is better the U.S.A. or Iran. (Note: Jose expect Eric Kneel comes down on the Iran side in this debate.)

So Eric, Jose understands you work for ESPN, which Jose assumes must stand for Eric Steals, Plagiarizes Names. Bring it!

2. Now as the biggest series of the year begins, let’s take a look at what Dan Shaughnessy, the aforementioned mean writer, has to say in his column today.

“John Kerry…and…cover boy…Dan Rather…feel…vilified.” (Note: That’s a great scoop Dan, are you sure that’s yours or did you pull a Kneel?)

“Alex Rodriguez…has…blown…Tanyon Sturze…and showered upon...Don Zimmer” (Note: Man, Shaughnessy really gets the freaky stories. The Herald must be pissed that the Globe got that one and blew its chance to write a back page story on deviant sexual practices in baseball.)

“What is beyond dispute is…the USA-USSR missile race…is…back.” (Note: While it’s good to see Dan (mis)using some of his precious column inches to express concern about Russian President Vladimir Putin’s efforts to use the events in Beslan to further centralize power, the sports page may not be the best venue for it.)

3. Yesterday the Yankees won a coin flip to determine who would host a playoff game for the AL East crown. According to Jose’s sources, George Steinbrenner provided the coin for the flip out of funds obtained by liquidating the dental plan for non-Baseball Yankee employees, making them pay for the air they breathe at work and pay for their own urinal cakes from a dispenser in the men’s room. Also, all non-baseball employees who are rained on at tonight’s game will have to pay a share of the Yankees’ water and sewer bill.

I'm Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

is giambi in the lineup tonight? if so, would it be the first meeting of balki vs. balco?

absintheofmalaise said...

hasn't Balki, thanks Mr Kneel, faced Sheffield and Boone this year? those could have been the first Balki vs. Balco matchups. judging by Boone's performance drop off this year he might have also benefited from some of balco's magic potions in the past. or it could just be history repeating itself with him.