Friday, October 15

From SoSH: Re: 10-15-04 Bronson gets This

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. So what did Jose did with his off day? Let’s see, he started it by having a car breakdown on Newbury St. Ironically, Jose’s problem was the same as the Red Sox’s – broken starter – though Jose is certain that the Red Sox would gladly pay the $421 Jose did to get the starter repaired the same day. (Note: Mr. Henry, the Fenway Mobil station on the corner of Yawkey and Boylston does a great job repairing starters. Now sending Curt there might not work because he is, you know, human, but sending DLowe there for a tune up might not be a bad idea.) So when Jose broke down he did the same thing as any American, he called AAA. The only problem is that Jose is not technically a AAA member because he does not technically “own a car.” (Note: Jose was using his father’s car since his father is currently working in a small European non-country.)

The good people at AAA said “Well, unless your father is there, there’s nothing we can do for you. You’re not covered.” Jose thanked the nice lady and hung up. After a moment he picked up and dialed AAA again.

“Hi this is Richard Melendez and Richard needs a tow.” Jose said.

Instantly, and without question the customer service representative went right down the service check list and proceeded to treat Jose Melendez exactly like he was Richard Melendez. As you might imagine, Jose is gradually working towards a point here. Even if Curt Euro is unable to pitch game 5, the Red Sox should change their stated position and announce that he will pitch. Then, come game day, they should send out DLowe the Paranoid Android (newly tuned up) in a Curt Euro uniform and refuse to admit that it is DLowe no matter what. Theoretically, they could even remove DLowe’s face plate and replace it with some sort of Curt Euro mold.

Now, Jose knows that it is a little hard to believe that the Yankees would buy into the charade, but if this election season has proven anything, it is that a lie repeated with conviction over, and over and over again can start to look like the truth to an awful lot of people.

The Sox should also organize a stunt or two to further confuse the issue. For instance, at the press conference the day before game 5, DLowe should take to the podium in full Curt Euro regalia, possibly with Curt’s wife and children, and declare “I am not Derek Lowe!” (Note: This should be done in the style of the late Owen Hart when he would declare over and over “I am not the Blue Blazer.” Then, while Lowe/Curt is speaking, a DLowe look alike, let’s say, Data from Star Trek, Optimus Prime or an Erector Set, would walk buy in a Lowe Jersey. Faced with this striking evidence, the Yankees would have no choice but to believe that the fearsome Curt Euro was on the mound, and act as though he really was, in other words, with fear and anguish.

2. According to the Boston Globe, the chalkboard in the Red Sox clubhouse (Note: Is this the last place in America using chalk boards rather than white boards?) reads “We can change history. Believe it.”

You know what that means? Sure you do. It means that the Red Sox have gotten a hold of the way back machine and will be taking the rivalry into the time stream. After all, if it meant they were just dealing with this series, it would say “We can change the future.” Right now, Dave Roberts is in 1978 kneecapping Bucky Dent. Over in 1999, Pokey Reese has Tim Tschisa locked in a closet. And in 2003, Kevin Millar has Grady Little in a crippler cross face.

But it doesn’t stop there. Gabe Kapler is in Munich 1933 preparing to take out Hitler. Bill Mueller is keeping guard at Ford’s Theater in 1865. In 1912, Alan Embree is slowing the Titanic.

Okay, maybe, there is no way back machine (Note: And if there is would John Wasdin be suing the makers for trademark infringement?), but the Red Sox would do well to remember the wisdom of St. Augustine. The past does not exist, it only used to exist. There is no game 1 or 2. There is no Grady Little. There is no what you had for breakfast this morning. The future does not exist either, it only will exist. There is no game 4. There is no Ortiz’s game 5 walk off. There is no game 6 come back.

No, there is only the present, and the present has no breadth. It exists, but only in that it tends towards immediately not existing. And that is where Jose lives, and that is where the Boston Red Sox live. And regardless of religion, we join together in worshiping at the Temple of Right F’n Now.

3. As we all know, Fox nitwit Tim McCarver, thinks that Brandon Arroyo is starting for the Sox. Many have attributed McCarver’s error to genuine incompetence, but Jose has an alternative explanation. Jose looked at the TVLand listings and discovered that the Perfect Strangers marathon originally scheduled for Tuesday afternoon was replaced with a Punky Brewster marathon. Jose figures McCarver spent the whole afternoon watching the adventure of the plucky orphan, her curmudgeonly guardian Henry and her loveable dog Brandon and thus had Brandon on the mind when he went to the game. Now, Jose wants to make it clear that he is not apologizing for McCarver’s error. Frankly, Jose finds the idea that a man in his 60s would spend the whole day watching Punky Brewster, even more disturbing than the idea that Fox would have the worst announcer of this or any other generation calling the ALCS.

Today, CSPAN is running a marathon of presidential debates so look for McCarver to speak quite a bit about Richard Nixon’s play in right field. Alternatively, if he was one of the 15 people watching CNBC last night, he could end up talking about Dennis Miller’s play at third base.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Beth said...

//Bill Mueller is keeping guard at Ford’s Theater in 1865//

for some reason, i can picture this very clearly, and, like most things about bill mueller, it is unbearably sexy.

Anonymous said...

Jose, Sorry about your car's starter problems - as a Yankee fan I have no sympathy for Curt who was gonna shut me up, but didn't. He must have known he was having some ankle problems so I can't understand why he made that particular threat. It will follow him around for the rest of his career . . . oh well.
One common place Red Sox and Yankee fans stand together - Tim McCarver is the absolute WORST announcer in the history of the game. Yanks in Four.

Anonymous said...

Jose Melendez needs to post a "Keys to the Election" in early November. I think Jose Melendez missed on in not posting "Keys to the Debates" earlier this month.

Anonymous said...

holy crap did you predict "Ortiz's game 5 walkoff"?

In a paragraph talking about time travel?


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