From SoSH: Re: Game 2 Sox-Yanks -- Why Not Me?

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose has made a mistake. In all of the drama of the post season, Jose got a little heavy. He got a little anecdotal. He got away from all of the things that worked so well in the regular season (Note: Cheap shots at reporters, stupid nicknames, monetary conversion). When Jose switched to grandiose rhetoric it was as if Terry Eurona had taken the idiotic suggestion on ESPN this morning (from Karl Ravitch?) and decided to DH Manischewitz Ramirez. (Note: Jose has been meaning to push this nickname for some time. Why Manishewitz? Because he’s SWEET!!!)

Did the Red Sox get to where they are by starting Mientkiewiecz at first and Dave Roberts in right? No. Did they get where they are with Jose, discoursing at great length on the nature of good and evil and engaging in long diatribes about games he went to in 1987? Occasionally? Oh. Well, nevertheless it’s back to basics.

1. According to today’s Globe, the Red Sox used seven scouts to prepare for this series. Jose has scouted the Yankees some as well, with his crack team of zero scouts, and has learned a few things that we should consider as we head into game 2.

Miguel Cairo – Not an Egyptian
Orlando Hernandez – Not from Orlando
Gary Sheffield – Not from Sheffield, England
Hideki Matusi – Get this. He’s…ready for it…Japanese. Who knew? Jose had no idea that Cro-Magnon man identified by nationality. (Note: All credit to Jose’s friend Marian who one day asked, “Who is that Cro-Magnon guy?”)
Tom “Flash” Gordon – Has never been in outer space. Nor is he really, really fast.
Tony Clark – Was once a member of Tony Toni Tone. (Note: Ironically, he was Toni, not Tony.)
Bernie Williams – Is the owner of Bernie and Phil’s Furniture, so don’t look for him to have much success against Tim Wakefield. (Note: Bernie Williams your classical guitar proficiency will not save you now.)
Mike Mussina – Despite his nickname “Moose” he is technically a member of the raccoon family.
Mariano Rivera – While he claims to be from Panama, Panama is actually only the place where he is registered as a ship.
Tanyon Sturze – His name is Tanyon, no joke needed.
Jon Lieber – Do you know why a bathroom is called a “Jon” or “John?” Because tonight the Red Sox are going to crap all over this guy.


2. The Tony Castrati translator returns

What TC says: “He had nothing, from the very first pitch”

What TC means: He had nothing because he has been spending way too much time staring game threads on Internet discussion boards. Doesn’t he know that it’s the mainstream press that makes him a celebrity? He should start writing leads for my column instead. Then I wouldn’t have to work as much. Also, I could really use the help.

What TC says: “Is he hurt? You bet he is.”

What TC means: I have learned from watching Donald Rumsfeld press conferences that I can use rhetorical questions to make other people seem stupid and uniformed. (Note: Is this stealing a Doonesbury Joke? Heavens yes. Would Jose do it again? You bet.)

What TC says: “Be honest with yourselves, Red Sox followers.”

What TC means: You can’t do it can you? I am the only person in this entire town who can tell the truth. Grady was right! Schilling (sic) is done! War is Peace! Coke and Pepsi are the same thing!!!

What TC says: “Schilling looks cooked.”

What TC means: After the game last night I watched that Twilight Zone episode with “To Serve Man” in it. Creepy.

What TC says: “Schilling will likely continue to look less like Roger Clemens and more like John Wasdin.”

What TC means: Oh wait. Didn’t he look like Roger Clemens in the post season last night? You know, awful. Or did I mean that he won’t get ejected from a huge playoff game?

What TC says: “If Schilling is now the injured Pedro Martinez of 2001, Martinez must become the Schilling of that same year.”

What TC means: How do they do it in those body switch movies like Freaky Friday, Vice Versa or Like Father Like Son? We need to do that with Schilling and Pedro. Shouldn’t someone be scouting those films? Maybe Big too.

What TC says: “Both Sox manager Terry Francona and Schilling declined to address Schilling's availability for the balance of the series, which can't be good. “

What TC means: How dare they spurn the mainstream press. HOW DARE THEY!!!

What TC says: “Last night, at least, Schilling never had a chance. While Mike Mussina carved up the Red Sox”

What TC means: I wrote this at the end of the sixth inning, so I will assume the final score was 8-0.

What TC says: “For now, the Red Sox have enough to worry about than to risk 2005, too.”

What TC means: Concede now!!! What hope do you have against the might Jon Lieber, Kevin Brown and Javier Vasquez!!!” Also, I cannot write a grammatically correct sentence, and my editors did not catch any errors because they were too busy working on a story about Brittney Spears’ pending divorce and remarriage to an Inuit.

3. So that’s the Herald’s take. Now let’s read between the lines of Dan Shaughnessy’s latest.

Curt Schilling…needs no…funeral…He …still…puts…the Red Sox…in games.” See. Don’t lose hope even Shaughnessy is optimistic.

“The only thing…to fuel New York taunters and tabloids…is Bernie Williams…who…shot …Joe Torre.” Wow. That is going to be all over the tabloids. And Jose thought there were problems between Phil Jackson and Kobe Bryant.

“Mike Mussina’s…daddy…is…no doubt embarrassing…and…a…pain.” Well, we all have our family issues.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.