Monday, October 18

From SoSH: Re: 10-18-04 Sox make history(Pt.2)

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. It is curious that Jose has less to say after last night’s fantastic win than after Saturday night’s horrific loss. Even coming up with that last sentence took 15 minutes. Jose supposes that there is more humor in the tragic than in the divine. That’s why Dante’s Inferno is such a laugh riot and Paradiso is such a drag. But if that is the price of victory, Jose will gladly be unfunny on seven more occasions this year.

After last night’s win, Jose doesn’t even care that the Kingston Trio sang the national anthem. (Note: Though couldn’t they have had “Theo and the Trio” join them for Charlie on the MTA?) (Additional Note: Even thought the Kingston Trio was a ridiculous choice, it was still a huge upgrade over the Cowsills. It’s like upgrading from John Burkett to…well not Curt Euro, but maybe Balki Arroyo.) We do appear to be moving further backwards in time with the anthem though, don’t we? Jose assumes that tonight we’ll have Mozart out there saluting America. Then, if we make it to the World Series, We’ll have Og the Caveman pounding it out on a sheepskin drum.

Last night’s game was theater of the improbable. DLowe the Paranoid Android pitched passably and ended each inning with a hearty exhale, and an “I can’t believe I got out of that inning look” instead of giving the look during each inning. Curtis Leskanic, who only the night before was about as effective as a tee, looked like the second coming of Lee Smith. The Red Sox even used a stolen base to tie a game. Yes, these are strange, strange days.

There’s been a lot of blame assigned in this series but Jose would like to give out a little credit to some of last night’s unsung heroes. First, he would like to give the Melendezette credit for realizing that hairy legs were not working in game 3 and shaving. Kevin Millar apparently had the same idea, in switching from the “facial pubes” to the neatly trimmed goatee. Jose doubted you both, but you proved him wrong. Second, Jose would like to give credit to his friend Audrey who brought a picture of her choking out Derek Jeter to Jose’s apartment, and lo and behold, choke Jeter did. Finally, Jose would like to thank Wes Chamberlain who the Red Sox acquired in exchange for Paul Quantrill in 1994. That set in motion the chain of events that led to Quantrill surrendering the game winning shot in the 12th last night. Wes Chamberlain, Jose thanks you for finally, finally contributing something to the Red Sox.

2. Let’s see. Jose couldn’t get up early and work on KEYS because he didn’t get to sleep until about 2:30, and Jose has a really busy day, so he can’t spend too much time writing at the office…soooo…well, lets just switch to default settings and that means shredding Tony Castrati.

What TC says: “The challenge remains considerable, the chance at ultimate victory highly improbable.”

What TC means: The mountain is high the valley is low, and you’re so confused, bout which way to go.

What TC says: The goal is to ensure there will be a game at Yankee Stadium tomorrow.

What TC means: After the Red Sox win, I will yell Goooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllll!!!
like that Spanish speaking soccer guy, Andres Cantor or whoever.

What TC says: “And never have the Red Sox been happier to take them one game at time.”

What TC means: According to my sources, the Yankees wanted the rain out replayed as part of a double header yesterday, but the Red Sox objected saying that it was “a really f’ing stupid idea.”

What TC says: “Added the Sox manager: ‘We did a lot of things to hang on.’”

What TC means: Terry Francona (sic) has one of those posters of the kitten hanging on a tree limb with the caption “Hang in there baby” in his office. He brought it out before the game and repeatedly told his players “Be the kitten. You are the kitten. You hear me Lowe? You’re the god damn kitten.”

What TC says: “There was tension and there was drama”

What TC means: Unlike Friday night when they replaced the rained out game with a David Arquette movie. That’s the best you can do FOX?

What TC says: “Is this a series now? It is still too early to say.”

What TC means: Five games is more a progression than a series in my mind.

What TC says: The Yankees outplayed the Red Sox in Games 1, 2 and 3, and they took the Sox to 12 innings in Game 4. There really is not much else to it.”

What TC means: And yet I managed to stretch it to 500 words.

What TC says: “At this time of year, the laws apply to everyone.”

What TC means: Yup, had O.J. committed murder in October he would have gone to prison, but he did it in June when the laws don’t apply to everyone, so he walked.

3. New York can have its Nicholsons and Spike Lees. You want celebrities? We’ve got celebrities up the wazoo right here in Boston baby!!! The stands were so thick with celebs that Jose didn’t need to be at the game or even have television point them out for him to pick out a few. Look over there!!! There’s former State Senator, Candidate for Governor and candidate for Lieutenant Governor Warren Tolman looking sharp in a traditional blue Red Sox cap. And who’s that over there? Why it’s Attorney General Tom Reilly wiping the sleep out of his eyes. No accusing the Red Sox and Major League Baseball of being a massively corrupt enterprise for you tonight Mr. Attorney General. Nope, tonight you just wallow in it.

You can see why Fox didn’t bother to mention that these celebs were in attendance. When you have names this big, you don’t need to name them. (Note: speaking of celebrities, did anyone else notice Brookline High Valedictorian Conan O’Brien at game 2, wearing some random non-Red Sox cap? Conan, if you’re going to go to the games, represent.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...


pure brillance, once again, Jose.

Anonymous said...

Wait until next year. Oh! What a phrase. Sparking hope in the hearts of Red Sox Nation. Well, it was entertaining, more or less