From SoSH: Re: 10-23-04 The Beginning Of A New Era

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

First things first. Before we dive into this special World Series edition of KEYS. Jose has some business to attend to. Longtime SoSHer RomeroRomine, who is currently working as a civilian at a military compound in Iraq, asked his brother, who is, by a remarkable coincidence, Jose’s friend Jamie, to request that Jose send along his huzzahs from the Middle East. So from RomeroRomine, "Huzzah to the Red Sox, Huzzah to SoSH. It is on." And from SoSH to RomeroRomine, we all appreciate the work you are doing over there. Be safe.

1. Ladies and gentleman. Hello and welcoooommmmeee to Fenwaaaaayyyyyy Paaaaarrkkkk!!! And now it’s time for the Maaaiiinnnn Eeeeeevvenntt, a battle set for best of seven falls. Introducing first in the gray with red trim. the Best of the Midwest, the Battling Birds, the nine time champeeennss of the woooorrrllllldddd, The St. Louis Cardinals. And their opponents, in the white with red trim, the comeback kids, the band of idiots, the six time champeeeeenns of the wooorrlldd (Note: Damn it, we won 1904 by forfeit) the Boooosssttooonn Reeeeddd Sooooxxxx!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Note: Can we start calling Fenway the Idiot Box? Jose thinks we should.)

That’s right, with apologies to the Simpsons, this ain’t no town series, this ain’t no county series, this ain’t no region series, this ain’t no nation series, this ain’t no continent series, this ain’t no hemisphere series. This is the WORLD SERIES!!!!! And whoever wins it is going to be the champion of the entire world. Will the winner be the champion of Yemen? You bet. Liechtenstein? Sure thing. The Marianas Trench? Uh huh. Even the seas will be under the domain of the winner of this series. Lava men, mole men, morlocks whatever else lives beneath the Earth’s crust, the winner of this series will be the champion of them all.

And the Red Sox have a serious advantage in this series. History suggests that Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa cannot win a World Series without the help of a natural disaster, After all, his superior Oakland teams were swept in 1988 and 1990 by the Dodgers and Reds respectively. His only win came in 1989 in a Series disrupted by the San Francisco earthquake. His problem is that this time his opponent IS the natural disaster. Gary Sheffield told us so.

2. There is broad agreement that the Achilles Heel of this fearsome Cardinals team is its starting pitching, which, to be generous, consists of a bunch of nobodies. But actually, it’ even worse than that. Jose has obtained shocking evidence two of the Cardinals’ four starters may not even technically exist. The Cardinals’ four starters are Woody Williams, Matt Morris, Jason Marquis and Jeff Suppan. Earlier in the year, Chris Carpenter was also a starter, Notice anything odd about that group of five? That’s right, three of the five have first and last names that begin with the same letter. This is the trademark of none other than comic book legend Stan Lee. Think about it. Peter Parker is the Spectacular Spiderman. Reed Richards is Mr. Fantastic. Sue Storm is the Invisible Girl/Woman. Scott Summers is Cyclops. Otto Octavius is Dr. Octopus. Matt Murdoch is Daredevil. Bruce Banner is The Hulk. Curt Connors is the Lizard. Warren Worthington is the Angel/Archangel. You get the point.

Remember the expectations for St. Louis at the beginning of the year? Everyone knew they could hit, but their starting pitching was deeply suspect. As a result everyone picked them to finish third in the N.L. Central. Tony LaRussa is a smart guy. He knew his pitching was suspect, so he hired Stan Lee to create three pitchers to shore up his rotation. They’ve been successful thus far (Note: Except for Carpenter who was effective until he was pulled due to injury/irreparable flaws in his story arc) because opposing hitters have not realized that they do not exist. Hitters keep swinging and missing at pitches that aren’t there. (Note: On the other hand, when hitters do connect with these phantom pitches the word "KAPOW" or "BAM" magically materializes on the field.) So remember, Red Sox hitters, as long as you remember that Woody Williams is not real, that Matt Morris is as fictional as Hello Kitty, they can’t hurt you. Need more proof? Look for the dialogue bubbles around Williams’ during the post game press conference.

What’s that you say? Lot’s of major leaguers have alliterative names? What about Darren Dreifort, Rick Reed, Ugueth Urtain Urbina and even our own Mike Myers? Isn’t that all the more proof? After all, Mike Myers as Bill Simmons always reminds us, is a fictional character from the Halloween films. Ssssssshhhhhh…We don’t want Larry Walker or Jim Edmonds to know.

3. Cardinals fans are widely regarded as among the best in baseball and have been known to travel to road games dressed as Catholic Cardinals. In the spirit of neighborliness and good sportsmanship, Jose would like to offer a warning to Cardinals fans that come to Boston so dressed. Boston has not been so friendly to Cardinals of late. Cardinal Law was driven from the city (Note: And we can only hope these Cardinals will follow his lead). Also, don’t be surprised if you’re accosted by people demanding to know why you are closing their church or turning a blind eye to all manner of abuse. Other than that enjoy the game.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.