Sunday, October 24

From SoSH: Re: 10-24-04 The Beginning Of A New Era(pt.2)

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, the Red Sox have seized a 1-0 lead in the World Series despite playing what some pundits have referred to as a “sloppy game.” Jose isn’t really sure what said pundits mean by “sloppy.” Are they referring to the Red Sox four horrific errors? Are they suggesting that the slovenly Red Sox themselves were even more unkempt than usual? (Note: You know they are called the Red Sox because they are such poor housekeepers that one player once put a red shirt in the laundry with a bunch of white socks dieing them all. Such carelessness.) Or are they suggesting that the Red Sox dugout was overflowing with tobacco juice? Regardless, the Sox overcame this sloppiness to win and position themselves quite nicely with Curt Euro, Pedro and Megatron coming up in the pitching order.

The question on everyone’s mind, of course, as we enter tonight’s game is how will Curt Euro’s amazing bionic ankle hold up? Will it remain strong and steady like the performance of David Ortiz, or crumble like the dramatic Tony Womack? (Note: Jose’s brother’s girlfriend is an Arizona native and Diamondbacks fan, to the extent that such a thing exists. After Womack collapsed last night she commented, “When he was with Arizona, he was always sort of a drama queen.” So let’s connect the dots shall we? Womack muffs a hard grounder that he should have scooped, falls to the ground in anguish, leaves the game, and a ball that was clearly and error is ruled a hit. Everyone got that? Yup, he’s a big a drama queen as Audrey Hepburn. Also, he appears to be playing the Famous Leon in those Budweiser commercials. This was the consensus at the bar Jose watched the game at.)

Jose’s brother has pointed out that Curt’s ankle appears to be held together with Six Million Dollar Man technology (Note: Though Jose’s brother originally called it “Six Dollar Man” technology. Jose cut him a teeny tiny bit of slack though, as the show was on before his brother’s birth.) Does this mean we can give Curt a 50 percent pay cut? (Note: Only kidding Curt. Seriously. You are the 12 million dollar man. Go get ‘em.)

2. Did anyone else notice that last night, in the third inning, after one of the run scoring singles, FOX did a brief cutaway shot to the Red Sox bench and captured something as surprising as it was horrifying. Yes, they captured none other than Derek Lowe awkwardly doing the “Walker Wiggle.” No one Jose was watching with picked this up, but Jose saw it with his own eyes, and as he was the only person there who was not drinking, he will trust his observation over theirs. While Jose was always a big fan of the Walker Wiggle and has missed it since Antoine Walker was traded for Raef F’n LaFrentz, the DLowe/Megatron version was not exactly what Jose was looking for. So the question remains, what in the name of all that is good made Megatron think that it would be a good idea to do the Walker Wiggle. Jose’s been thinking about it and his best guess is that he wasn’t actually doing the Walker Wiggle, rather that he was trying to duplicate the dance move of his pro wrestling namesake D’Lo Brown, who would do a wigglish head bob as he went down the aisle. Let Jose be clear, he is not opposed to Megatron developing some celebratory dance moves; he just thinks they need to fit his personality more appropriately. The most obvious, and probably best choice, would be The Robot.

As long as we are discussing this, Jose thinks we should assign a few other celebratory dance moves to Sox players before we end up watching Umlaut Mueller doing the Macarena in the dugout.

Keith Foulke - Well based on is last name alone it should be some form of square dancing, perhaps the Virginia Reel.

Pedro Martinez - Pedro should start doing the Icky Shuffle after he throws a strike out to end the inning, complete with spiking the baseball. Jose can’t give you a good reason, except that it would be funny.

Manny Ramirez – The seizure dance, that Patriots Wide Receiver Deion Branch’s used in the end zone last year. Manny actually already seemed to be working on this one as he attempted to make plays in the eighth last night, so it shouldn’t be much of a stretch.

Kevin Youkilis and Gabe Kapler – That Jewish wedding dance where they put people on chairs and lift them into the air. It probably has a name, but Jose can’t remember it. Can you imagine them doing that to Terry Eurona? That would be sweet.

Balki Arroyo – Myposian Dance of Joy (Note: Yes, Jose concedes he had been spelling “Mypos” incorrectly all year as “Mepos.”)

Curt Euro – No dancing. Just keep the ankle stable.

Dave Roberts – The Limbo. Don’t ask why, Jose just has a feeling that Roberts is hands down the finest limboer on the team and perhaps in the Majors.

Tim Wakefield –As the last player remaining from the 1995 A.L. East champion team, the Time Warp seems appropriate.

Johnny Damon – Does gradual ascension towards heaven bathed in cone of pure white light count as a dance?

Mike Timlin and Kevin Millar – Texas Two Steps of course.

David Ortiz – The Monster Mash

Jose knows this leaves a few player without preassigned dance moves, but Jose is out of ideas, so we will have to trust them to take care of themselves. Just please don’t do the Walker Wiggle unless you know what you’re doing.

3. Can we start referring to tonight’s Cardinals starter Matt Morris by his initials M&M? Slogan: Melts on the mound not in the stands.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Anonymous said...

Jose, you make baseball exist. Thank you.


Anonymous said...

These dances *need* happen. Way to go Jose. And way to go Sox!

*Doin' the butt*

Sam said...

The Jewish dance is called the Hora. And I would pay good money to see Youk and Kap participate in one.