Saturday, April 30

4/30/05 -- Balki vs. A Nut

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

In issuing a harsh set of suspensions yesterday for the twin brawl betweens the DRays and the Sox, Major League Baseball’s hard ass vice principal Bob Watson said that the commissioner’s office “will not tolerate any continued on-field misconduct between these two clubs.”

Bob Watson actually said that yesterday. Guess which of the following came next:

a) So tonight… right here… in this very ring… we will have… The Boston Red Sox vs. the Tampax Bay DRays… INSIDE A STEEL CAGE!!! No count outs… No disqualifications… NO MERCY!!!

b) Major League Baseball’s rules for on-field conduct are quite clear. It’s the off field rules that are sort of vague. So if they want to engage in misconduct, they should do it in a bathroom with a needle like misters McGuire and Canseco.

c) Major League Baseball has a long standing policy of encouraging clubs to settle their differences off the field, for instance, at a local tavern or in a dark alley.

For the full KEYS visit

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