Wednesday, May 11

5/11/05 -- Antipope Clement XV vs. The Big One

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose was all set to beat up Kevin Millar in this space. He was ready to absolutely brutalize the guy. He was going to do one of those cutesy open letters to the defensively challenged first baseman. Jose had it all planned out it was going to have some snappy lead like:

Dear Kevin,
Hi. It’s Jose. Jose knows we haven’t talked in a while, but he’s writing
now because he misses you and there are some questions he really wants to ask
you. For instance, how hard is it to step on the f***ing base? Yes, Jose knows
it didn’t cost any runs, but even after you were warned that teams were
complaining about you leaving early, you still couldn’t remember to step on the
f***ing base?

Is there anything Jose can do to help? Do you need to take one of those
step aerobic classes? Do you need a tour of the Central Asian steppe? What about
a 12 step program? Would that help? No probably not. You don’t need 12 steps,
you only need one… the step that lands you on first f***ing base.

But then Millar went ahead and hit a game winning homer while Jose was out taking an evening constitutional with the Melendezette… thereby ruing Jose’s best laid plans.But that’s okay. This is better.

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