Monday, May 9

5/9/05 – Sox vs. As

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose returns after two glorious off days feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Will it make a difference in his writing? God no, but at least it gave him time watch the Celtics implode and prepare a nice Mothers Day dinner for his mother and Granny Melendez.

1. Jose is now 2-0 after spending Friday night’s game staring at the back of a pole with the Melendezette and two other friends, while completely and totally sober. (Note: Couldn’t they at least have pole dancers on the supports columns? They should give a fellow something to look at if he can’t see the batter.) Between innings, Jose finally discovered the horrible secret of why the Melendezette enjoys going to baseball games live but is largely indifferent to watching them on television, internet, closed circuit television or in Indonesian shadow puppet reenactments.
“This is my favorite part,” she cooed… between innings.

For a few moments, Jose thought that she meant he favorite part was staring at the back of pole. Then he decided that might not be the case, and craned his neck around the pole just in case there was something else going on. As it turned out, the grounds crew was dragging the rakes around the infield.

It turns out that she likes going to baseball games for the same reason she like HGTV… she’s in it for the landscaping. Though Jose suspects that if it were up to her, the infield would have more of a Zen rock garden feel, with granite boulders replacing the bases. (Note: This is actually completely unfair. She has a great suggestion for the grounds crew. Mr. Henry take note. If the Red Sox played the theme from Benny Hill while the grounds crew groomed the infield, they would work in super fast motion, and the work would go twice as fast. Also, British women would end up on the field in their underwear.)

So Jose has a modest proposal to the Red Sox to make watching the entire season a year a bit more palatable to the Melendezette. Start showing the grounds crew’s work on television, but switch the innings that they rake the field from night to night to keep her guessing. That will prevent her from lobbying to change the channel to some drivel like Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Racquetball, the Gastineau Girls or the State of the Union.
If the Red Sox make this simple change, it should create enough harmony in the Melendez household that Jose can start watching a robust 160 to 161 games per year, rather than his current wan and anemic 155.

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