Sunday, May 29

5/29/05 – Malign Fatty Tumor vs. It’s Not a Tumor

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well, that’s more like it. After dropping four straight games in terrible performances, the WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX finally showed some spark yesterday, absolutely dismantling the Yankees 17-1. Shockingly, the absolute best characterization of the days events came in the headline to a Tony Castrati story that read “Pavano no stranger to disastrous routs.” That’s terrific. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. (Note: Jose would like to remind everyone, at this time, that reporters, as they always tell us, do not write the headlines. So Tony Castrati gets no credit. NONE!!!!)

Of course, Castrati concluded the story with the highly scientific observation that the last time Pavano took a pummeling of this sort at the hands of the Red Sox, his team went on to win the World Series, implying that this may well happen again. Jose would like to address this specious reasoning in the style of Lisa Simpson. Tony, Jose has a rock in his pocket that keeps tigers away. How do you know it keeps Tigers away? Jose doesn’t see any Tigers around him and he doesn’t even have an y Sox Tigers tickets for this year. Therefore it must keep Tigers away. It’s exactly the same as your Pavano Principle. So how about it Tony? Five hundred dollars.
But the real story was that the Red Sox yesterday were like Frankenstein’s Monster, remarkably coming to life and in anger and disorientation absolutely trashing the room and everything in their path. Now that the World Champs have been unleashed on an unsuspecting world, we need only hope that the Yankees don’t realize that we’re afraid of fire.

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