3/3/05 -Backups on Parade

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Well it’s about time. After months of writing KEYS TO THE HOT STOVE, KEYS TO THE UKRANIAN ELECTION, KEYS TO WHATEVER THE HELL ELSE JOSE COULD THINK OF and KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING, Jose can once again say “It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME. You will notice a few changes between now and the last time you read a new KEYS TO THE GAME. The most obvious change is that today’s KEYS is not about the Worlds Series, so you may find that it lacks some of the gravitas, some of the weight and heft that you had become accustomed to.

But there are far more changes. Big changes. Scary changes. Not Schiraldi on the mound scary, but scary nonetheless. Frankly, Jose has to keep up with the times. Over the offseason the suits told him that the KEYS demographic has trended a little bit old, that the KEYS aren’t attracting the sort of readers who have disposable income and are willing to spend it. Still worse, the KEYS are failing to hook the next generation of fans. So change Jose must, and change Jose shall.

The first major change will be that the KEYS will be at a faster clip and will be set to the latest in “popular” music. As you may have noticed, the KEYS don’t come with an audio track. However, if you read the KEYS book along with the Clash Album London Calling, it synchs up exactly. What will this year’s KEYS sync up with? Start buying CDs and trying to figure it out. (Note: This message brought to you by the American Recording Industry.)

Another change will be the introduction of a lovable character to explain the game of baseball to children. Fox has Scooter the hyperactive baseball; Jose offers Plunger, the happy-go-lucky syringe. It’s something a little bit hipper, more contemporary and reflective of todays game. Let’s take a sneak peak.

“Hi kids this is your pal Plunger!!! Today’s word is Steroids. Sometimes when a player is too small and weak to hit home runs, he sticks a needle in his arm or *ss and injects himself with a special healthy medicine that makes him bigger, stronger and faster, without all of the practice and eating your vegetables. So the next time your mommy tells you to eat your vegetables so you can grow up to be big and strong, tell her ‘Shove it b*tch. Just bring me some steroids.’”

And these are just a few of the exciting changes you have to look forward to in the new and improved KEYS TO THE GAME 2005.

2. And would any first game be complete without Tony Castrati writing on yet another subject he knows nothing about? (Note: No.)

What TC says: “Baseball and politics will converge today at the White House, and you know what that means: lots of people who don't know what they're talking about.”

What TC means: Not unlike the Red Sox press room on any given day.

What TC says: But this is America, of course, so the cameras will be clicking and the pens scribbling when Damon meets Dubya on the South Lawn.”

What TC means: Like when the Patriots were at the White House last year. Remember that. No one does? Really?

What TC says: “Professional sports and politics? Now there's a scary combination. “

What TC means: Like that Bill Bradley guy. What business did some dumbass basketball player have being a Senator. That’s crazy. (Note From Jose: Though in fairness, Tom Osborne, the despicable former Nebraska coach who stood behind every felon on his team as they brutalized women is in Congress.)

What TC says: “Two years ago, with America having begun fighting in Iraq, Red Sox reliever Mike Timlin placed a bumper sticker above his locker that described the international peace insignia as ``the footprint of the American chicken.''

What TC means: Umm…sorry Mike, I don’t think chickens have circles around their feet. I do think the three toes is right though.

What TC says: “With all due respect to Timlin, who really cares about his political views?”

What TC means: I do apparently, since no one in the general public even knew his views until I wrote this.

What TC says: “Why are professional athletes (or other celebrities) asked to share their opinions on matters in which they have no more say than anyone else?”

What TC means: Oh wait they’re celebrities. The most wonderful, special people in the world.

What TC says: Tell you what: If Kevin Millar wants to run for office, let's find out where he stands.”

What TC means: Dear God, did I just suggest that Kevin Millar run for office. What have I done? I am become death, destroyer of worlds.”

What TC says: “After all, we don't ask the homeless for political guidance, do we?”

What TC means: I hate the poor.

What TC says: “If this all sounds like an indictment of professional athletes, it is not. Prior to the start of the Super Bowl, former presidents Bill Clinton and George Bush (the elder) were asked their opinions on the Patriots and Philadelphia Eagles, a harmless but worthless question. Their responses had as much value as any athlete's insights on the last presidential election, which begs the question: Why do we ask them such ridiculous things at all?”

What TC means: We ask because we have to fill column inches, and we got nothing else. NOTHING!!!

3. Many people paying big bucks to attend the first of the 47 preseason contests will be disappointed to hear that Johnny Damon, Manny Ramirez, Mosey Nixon and David Ortiz are not scheduled to play. But don’t fret! Do not despair. You will get to see Kris Wilson, Jeremy Gonzales, a Japanese guy named Denney (note: how did a Japanese guy end up with that name?) and some guy named Billy McMillon who Jose has never heard of, but is one vowel away from having a great name for an evil rich guy wrestler (Note: Billy McMillion.)

Spring Training Baseball: You might as well watch. It’s your only choice!!!


I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

3/1/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. San Diego Padres GM Kevin Towers said that he "felt like he knew" that 1996 National League MVP Ken Caminiti was using steroids. Sox President Leisure Suit Larry Lucchino, who was then with the Padres, apparently felt like he did not know. Lucchino today plead ignorance of Caminiti’s steroid use. It is an odd situation for a man who seems to know everything that lingers beneath the surface of the days events.

It’s a funny turn of phrase, "I felt like I knew." It’s not an acceptance of responsibility; it is only an acknowledgment of a feeling. At the same time, it is not a rejection of responsibility either, it hints that there was an obligation unfulfilled, that one could have and perhaps should have done something. It is surely a rejection of logic and reason. "I felt" was probably never uttered by the Enlightenment thinkers. It is the classic non-denial, denial. Towers could not prove that he knew, or reason that he knew, he could only feel like he knew.

Jose would like to use this technique. Rather than doing a special predictions KEYS, perhaps Jose will instead write, next November a KEYS on the things that he felt like he knew at the end of spring training. Jose can write:

"Jose felt like he knew that Wade Ohne Umlaut will win 16 games and have an ERA of 3.20."

"Jose felt like he knew that the Yankees would win only 88 games."

"Jose felt like he knew that A-Rod will be accused of tax fraud in July."

"Jose felt like he knew that Carlos Quintana would make a shocking return to spell Kevin Millar at first, and make a Jeff Stone style key hit down the stretch before being left off the playoff roster."

Will these things happen? Won’t they happen? Who knows.? Just remember, if they don’t happen Jose never said they would. Jose would never risk a jinx (note: not that he believes in such things) nor would he put himself out front like that. He is only saying what he felt like he knew.

2. Jason Vartiek’s younger brother Justin, the real JV in the Varitek family, was at Red Sox camp yesterday. (Note: JV stands for junior varsity. Get it?) Jose was relieved to hear that Justin was not trying out for the Red Sox. Jose has watched enough pro wrestling to know that no good can come from two brothers competing together. One performs better than the other, jealously grows, parents play favorites and the next thing you know Christian is cracking a chair over Edge’s head or Pedro is slashing the tendon on Ramon’s elbow. The last thing Jose wants to see is Jason grappling with A-Rod next April and Justin coming out of the dugout with a bat…and breaking it across Jason’s back. Only years later, when the Sox are trying to perk up sagging TV ratings and Doug Mirabelli’s contract is long since expired, will we learn that Kelly Shoppach actually put Justin up to it in order to crack the Sox roster.

The unexpected, nonsensical twist. That is what we learn from pro wrestling.

3. Finally, there has been some concern that Manny Ramirez might be jinxed by appearing on the cover of EA Sports’ MVP baseball game. Cover boys for other EA games, such as Michael Vick, Marshall Faulk and Eddie George have all gone on to face serious injuries. Jose is not particularly worried about Manny, karma doesn’t really seem to affect him, but he is worried about himself.

You see, Jose appeared on the cover of the SoSH Game Threads 2005 video game, and Jose, while not believing in karma, does worry about it. (Note: The game is going to be great. You can chose to be kevlog with a whole array of fireworks at your disposal, ManillaSoxFan and pound away with insane optimism or even SexyBanana and start long losing streaks with inopportune posting. There’s also a franchise mode where you can start your own SoSH knock off thread and have the same three people post again and again. Unfortunately, Cabrera Era is not included because he is not a member of the Posters Association since he was a scab during the last work stoppage.) It’s not that Jose worries that he will get injured; he does not. What he worries about is that the first time he misses a game with a resurgent elbow infection or a jammed finger the "EA cover jinx" talk will begin. Jose just doesn’t have a whole lot of interest in writing out the season under that kind of scrutiny.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/28/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Apparently, Sox right fielder Mosey Nixon will not start in the season opener against Randy Johnson on April 4th. Manager Terry Eurona, reportedly told Nixon, who has struggled against lefties in the past, "Get ready for the fifth." Chris "12 Inches of" Snow reported that this comment was a reference to April 5th, the second game of the season." Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Jose has liked 12I Snow’s work thus far, but this, frankly, is just shoddy reporting. In fact, it wasn’t even reporting, it was assumption, which is really bad. Hasn’t he ever heard the old saying? "When you assume, you make and ass of Yumi." Does Snow really want to make an ass of some poor Japanese girl? Jose hopes not. That was Shaughnessy’s first step towards the dark side, if Jose remembers correctly. (Note: He does not.)

You see, Eurona was not urging Mosey to prepare for the second game of the season. No, no!!! Rather, he was warning Nixon to be ready for the fifth inning of the first game. After all, the Sox will knock Johnson out in the fourth, so there won’t much of a reason to keep Nixon on the bench.

2. Today appears to be Tim Wakefield day at spring training. Both the Globe and Herald featured articles about the aging knuckleballer, who just happens to be Jose’s all-time favorite Red Sox. (Note: Does the Red Sox PR machine offer up one player a day to all papers for feature stories? It sure seems that way. It is statistically improbable that both Boston dailies would profile identical players on four straight days at random, though not quite as statistically improbable as the Yankees blowing a 3-0 series lead.)

Jose would recommend the Globe piece as it is in English, not Castratese. But for those of you who only have access to the Herald (note: presumably this is only the people who run the actual presses at the Herald) Jose offers the following translation.

Tony Castrati: Yearning for the Good Old Days

What TC says: Even here, on the blessed training ground of the reigning world champions, there is a cost of doing business."

What TC means: The cost is more than $120 million.

What TC says: "The Red Sox make decisions that are hard and shrewd and devoid of all emotion, and they are more interested in handing out championship rings than gold watches."

What TC means: The Red Sox are technically sociopaths. Also, gold watches are more expensive than championship rings.

What TC says: "The only men in front of [Wakefield] will be Cy Young and Roger Clemens, one man for whom pitching's most prestigious award is named and another who has won that honor a record seven times.

What TC means: This line is so unbelievably obvious that both Chris Snow and I thought of it at the exact same time.

What TC says: "Wakefield now is in what has become familiar territory for those who wear the Red Sox uniform."

What TC means: Wakefield is in Fort Myers where spring training has been since before he joined the team.

What TC says: There currently seems little chance of him securing a new deal before November. A surprise? Hardly. A year ago at this time, the Red Sox entered spring training with Nomar Garciaparra, Martinez, Derek Lowe and Jason Varitek entering the final year of their contracts, and the Sox signed none of them before Opening Day."

What TC means: The Red Sox signed no one and it ruined last season. Instead of going to the World Series they bowed to the Yankees in four, at least I assume so, as I stopped watching after the 19-8 game three drubbing.

What TC says: "The new-age ownership and management of the Red Sox"

What TC says: Did you know they play Yanni in the Executive Offices? It’s true.

What TC says: "And when they depart, the Sox pop someone else into the jersey as if they were changing bulbs on a strand of Christmas lights."

What TC means: "February’s a good time for a Christmas metaphor right? That resonates doesn’t it? What I worry about is that the Red Sox are like those Christmas lights where they are all on one circuit, so if David Wells burns out, the entire team will suddenly be unable to play.

What TC says: "Until recently, of course, it never used to work that way here."

What TC means: Ahh… those were the days. No Monster seats, no decent concessions and no World Championships.

What TC says: "Producing more spin-off ventures than `All in the Family.'"

What TC means: Maybe the Sox should sign a 12 year old Asian girl to the team. That seemed to work in Archie’s Place.

What TC says: "Still, it is difficult to think that we have not lost at least a little bit of something here."

What TC means: And still most people think we have won a little bit of something. Perplexing.

3. Sox starter Wade Ohne Umlaut is up to throwing the ball 200 feet (note: that’s almost 67 yards) as he struggles to return from a frayed rotator cuff. While Red Sox officials are reportedly enthusiastic about his progress and are hopeful he will be ready to play by May, Jose remains unconvinced. After all, any pro should be able to throw that distance; the challenge is doing it under a heavy pass rush.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/27/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Jose has just come to an unsettling realization. Pedro Martinez really isn’t coming to Fort Myers this year. Of course, Jose knew this was going to happen. After all, he characterized Pedro’s departure as being like a "good breakup," like the end of a long and fulfilling relationship between two people who are just headed in different directions. Still, he never fully accepted the idea that once we got 10 days into spring training Pedro still wouldn’t be there. Jose didn’t really notice Pedro’s absence for the first nine days since he didn’t usually arrive until the 10th day, or so it seemed, anyway. But that tenth day? Well, let’s put it this way, one isn’t really the loneliest number 10 is. Sure one is alone, but it knows it. One looks around and there’s nothing even nearby. But 10? Ten gets tricked. Ten gets suckered in. In a 10, the one thinks it has some companionship, some friendship, but sooner or later it’s going to look over and realize it’s hanging out with a total zero. (Note: Actually today is the eleventh day of spring training, Jose thinks, so this is all irrelevant anyway. Actually, even if it was the tenth day it would be irrelevant. Ten is the loneliest number? What does that have to do with anything? Oh yes….THERE’S NO NEWS TO DISCUSS!!!!)

You’d think it would have hit Jose when he saw the pictures of Pedro in a Mets uniform throwing off a mound. But it didn’t quite. It felt more like the first time you see that old girlfriend with another guy. Yeah, it’s a little weird, but you don’t know exactly what the deal is and for all you know this will be their first and last date. Today is more like when she tells you that she’s moving in with him. Sure, you want her to be happy, and you don’t want to be with her, but it’s still a little jarring, okay, really jarring, to realize that the new normal is for her to be living with some other guy.

So there you have it. Jose is jarred. He is rattled and disoriented. He realizes that he won’t be counting off five games from opening day to calculate Pedro’s first start at Fenway, and five days after that to calculate his second start and so on. (Note: In 2001, Jose made an error in his counting and ended up seeing like eight straight Paxton Crawford starts. Okay, that’s not quite true. Paxton Crawford probably never made eight straight starts.)

He realizes that the greatest pitcher of his lifetime is gone, and the Red Sox may not have another pitcher that good in Jose’s lifetime. It is sad, it is disappointing, but it is also the right decision.

2. While Pedro is not in camp, David Wells most certainly is, and at a much better price per pound! And the reporters seem happy enough. Jose is pretty sure that he read the thirty-fifth profile of Wells of the Spring this morning.

Yesterday, Wells brought his son Brandon to camp with him. Jose thinks this is terrific. Not only is Wells showing his love for his family, he’s also showing tremendous devotion to and affection for his teammates. It is just wonderful that he would name his first born son after his teammate Bronson Arroyo.

(Note: Hmmm…should Jose explain this joke. It seems pretty self-explanatory, but when historians look back on this generations from now are they going to understand it? Are they going to say "Wait…the kid’s name is Brandon…Jose must have mistyped the name of the pitcher. It must really be Brandon Arroyo." Nah…only a complete chump would think Arroyo’s first name was Brandon. The joke remains unexplained.)

3. Jose was a little disappointed by Gordon Edes’ bit in his baseball notes column today entitled "Jewry seems to make teams sparkle." Jose got himself all geared up for a story on the tremendous positive impact of having a Jew or two on a Major League team. He was expecting a detailed breakdown on how the Sox won the Worlds Series by fielding the most Jewish team in their history. (Note: Eight percent!!!) But it turns out that the article was about "Jewelry" not "Jewry." What a downer. Now, Jose needs to review those headlines about "Red Sox World Champs" to make sure they didn’t actually read "Red Sox Ward Champs." Wouldn’t we all be embarrassed if after all of the hoopla and parades it turned out that the Sox were only the champion of Boston’s Ward Five?

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/25/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. This is a terrible part of spring training. All of the players have reported, games don’t start for another week, so Jose is reduced to talking about long toss. How far can Wade Ohne Umlat toss? 150 feet? Good but not good enough. 180 feet? That’s more like it! Next stop Moundsville. See. Boring.

Curt Euro is already throwing off the mound and surprise, surprise, didn’t feel as good as he would have liked. Fascinating. Real first KEY material.

How slow is it at camp? So slow that both the Globe and Herald wrote feature stories yesterday on how Euro Bellhorn doesn’t talk. So slow that it makes Cecil Fielder look like Dave Roberts. So slow that it makes Grady Little look like Albert Einstein.

It is so slow that Jose almost thought about converting long toss distances to meters for his readers in the metric world. But Jose will not complain (Note: Anymore). He will not write one of those self serving pieces reporters do about how terrible it is that there is no big controversy. Jose will not lust for someone to be thrown from their car or flip off the manager. No, instead Jose will bide his time. Waiting…plotting…until one day when you least expect it…BAM!!! There will be a game to write about.

2. The Red Sox are scheduled to go to the White House on March 2 to meet the President. (Note: Of the United States). All 18 members of the championship team who remain with the Red Sox will attend and all members who have moved on are invited. Thus far, none of the players who are no longer with the organization have agreed to attend. Jose is surprised. Really, really surprised.

He’s not surprised that Pedro turned it down. After all, he’s a proud man, and this isn’t even his president. He’s not surprised Megatron Lowe turned it down either; he’s all the way on the West Coast. (Note: Though Jose is a little surprised he hasn’t told the media that the Red Sox never even invited him.) He’s not surprised that the World’s Most Perfectly Sculpted Jew declined. Japan is even further away, and he’s probably more interested in an opportunity to see Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi’s famed bouffant hair up close than to meet President Bush. (Note: Koizumi’s hair has been a subject of much discussion in Japan and around the world. In Jose’s opinion it looks like he got a 20 dollar bill at some point, saw the portrait of Andrew Jackson and said “That’s what a leader should look like!!!” Hopefully Koizumi’s interest in mimicking Jackson is limited to hair styles, otherwise Japan’s indigenous Ainu population is likely to be facing massive and unconstitutional deportation.) Jose isn’t even surprised that Dave Roberts isn’t coming. After all, slowing down long enough to shake hands might be hard when you’ve got speed like that.

No, what really surprises Jose is that Little Cesar Crespo hasn’t accepted. Jose would imagine that it would be hard for Crespo to get a meeting with anyone higher than the Nebraska Commissioner of Public Safety. This should have been a big day for him, and he can’t imagine why he wouldn’t accept, except perhaps that he couldn’t make contact with the Red Sox traveling secretary. Making contact always seems to be a big problem for him. (Note: Are players who weren’t in the playoffs invited? Jose hopes so. Lenny DiNardo deserves his chance to meet the leader of the free world!!!)

3. The shocking return of Antoine Walker to the Celtics, an event that greatly pleases Jose, has raised the possibility that perhaps some of Jose’s favorite former Red Sox could also return to the fold. (Note: That’s right. It’s so slow Jose has been forced to talk about basketball, albeit briefly. Are you happy now?) Here are a few of the players Jose would like to see return. (Note: Well, not really return to the team, not as players, after all, they’re all terrible. But maybe they could be non-roster invitees, or sell hot dogs, or something.)

Billy Ashley – The last time Jose saw Billy Ashley, the Sox were playing Les Expos and there was a competition to see which there would be more of Ashley strikeouts or Expos errors. Ashley won 4-3.

Dario Veras – If Jose couldn’t have been Jose Melendez, he would definitely have considered being Dario Veras.

Tim VanEgmond – Jose once had him on a fantasy team because he knew he would be sent to the minors where he couldn’t hurt Jose’s ERA.

Arquimedez Pozo – While most commentators liked to make Eureka jokes about the infielder, Jose preferred more sophisticated humor, comparing him to the whip wielding character in Waiting for Godot.

And in that spirit Jose draws on Godot to end today’s KEYS.

Spring training is boring. Jose doesn’t think anything interesting is going to happen. Let’s leave. Yes…Let's go. (He sits…motionless.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/23/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. New Red Sox beat writer Chris Snow earned accolades in yesterday’s KEYS, a rare feat for the "legitimate press," for providing multiple sources of humor in his Red Sox Notebook. But Snow’s success should come as no surprise to those who have Jose’s familiarity with the famous Toronto reggae scene. Snow shocked the record industry in 1993 with his hit song "Informer," off the album "12 Inches of Snow." It was a catchy little number about "licky boom boom down," which is apparently some kind of fruit candy. Unfortunately, his track record suggests that a second critically acclaimed notebook is unlikely for the "Canadian Vanilla Ice."

2. Today was a special day. Jose found a copy of the Boston Herald (Motto: Still Marginally More Accurate Than the Enquirer.) (Note: Apologies to Dave Barry for stealing the motto bit) on a table at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Brockton, and that means that he got to read the latest news on college booze hounds and the names of the children of celebrities in actual paper and ink. (Note: Jose’s absolute favorite celebrity kid name is…oh wait Jose doesn’t care at all. Never mind.) To be honest Jose is shocked, and sort of disappointed, that the Herald has not yet started having a "page 3 girl" in the paper every day. Here, in this most European of American cities, one would think there would be room for that.

Getting a print copy of the tabloid also means that Jose had a rare opportunity to look at the sports section as it actually appears in the paper. Frankly, Jose was a little concerned. The stories on the back page of the Herald were:

"Truth: Foul on Kobe: Pierce ‘disappointed’ that Bryant dragged Shaq into scandal"

"Late Balloting: Canseco offers to give Greenwell ’88 MVP award"

"New World Order: Yankees trying not to concern themselves with rival Sox"

"Pool Bonanza: Pre-Season Sale, FREE Installation on Caribbean Pools Only"

Yeah. Jose was a little bit shocked and a little bit saddened too. After all, this is the back page/sports section front page of a tabloid newspaper in a major metropolis. And it seems a little bit inappropriate, and yes, a little bit bush league to have something like that right there with the major news of the day. And besides it’s late February. Seriously, what business does a basketball story have being on the back page at this time of year. Come on Herald…it’s time for baseball…or at least baseball related spring training activities.

3. Okay, okay, these are KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING and not KEYS TO THE BOSTON NEWSPAPERS, so Jose should probably put in at least one KEY that is directly connected to the great sport of baseball. So here’s Jose’s shot.

In between laying down reggae licks, Chris Snow reported today that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner sent Red Sox owner John W. Henry a congratulatory note during the off season. KEYS TO THE GAME has obtained an exclusive copy of that note and will make it public here for the very first time.
Dear Mr. Henry,

Congratulations on winning the World Series . WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! I WANT IT. IT’S MINE. HOW COME YOU GET TO HAVE IT??? WAAAAAAAAA!!!! I PAID FOR IT. WAAAAAAAAAAA!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Yours in Christ,

George Steinbrenner

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/22/05 - KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. According to Globe reporter Chris Snow, former Sox first baseman and noted ball hawker Doug Mientkiewicz said of the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry “It wasn’t what everyone made it out to be…The Twins-White Sox is just the same to me.”

In other news, Mientkiewicz described the U.S. Civil War as being “basically the same as Shays’ Rebellion.” He went on to compare the Gore vs. Bush election to Menino vs. Davis-Mullen, Hulk Hogan vs. Andre the Giant to “Leaping” Lanny Poffo vs. Iron Mike Sharpe, and Spiderman vs. the Green Goblin to the New Mutants vs. Magus.

2. Apparently Chris Snow is having a banner day for comic news. He also reported that outspoken current Red Sox first baseman and noted chicken hawker Kevin Millar is negotiating to appear on Bravo’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” a New York based program. Jose doesn’t know too much about the show, but he can only assume that this means that Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez will be giving Millar some sort of make over. (Note: Okay, that was a cheap shot, because the sexuality of the left side of the Yankees infield is irrelevant to their performance, not a big deal whichever way they swing and nobody’s business. Still, it is an unbelievably easy joke to make, and Jose didn’t get where he is today – a blogger writing tens of thousand of words for free – by taking the high road.)

3. Media hack after media hack are now piling on to criticize the Red Sox for their continued taunting of Alex Rodriguez. Has it occurred to anyone that this might, just might, be a tactic to get inside the head of the third baseman? (Note: Yes, lots of people have.) This is a classic wrestling strategy, and it is just beginning to unfold. Just you watch.

Right now the Red Sox are just flexing their muscles and taunting A-Rod about his past failures. But watch what comes next. The Sox will give A-Rod a few spring training at-bats to get comfortable, to begin to relax. Then in the third or fourth game, A-Rod will dig in on a 3-2 count and suddenly “Ba-du-du-du, Da-da-da.” The driving introduction to “Dirty Water” will begin to sound, coming seemingly out of nowhere. A-rod will whip his head around, looking for the source of the haunting music but to no avail. Meanwhile the opposing pitcher will have zipped in a fastball for a call third strike. A-Rod will go nuts…smashing his bat against the back stop. Reporters will begin to wonder if the Red Sox really are in A-rod’s head.

A few days later, on another 3-2 count, Jason Varitek will suddenly appear on the Jumbotron.

“Hi Alex,” he’ll say. “I’ll bet you can hardly wait for your opening day *ss whoopin’” Strike three zips by a distracted, petrified Rodriguez.

“Looks like you’re out again,” Varitek will say.

After another few days, Varitek will join the Minnesota Twins radio announcers to do a little bit of color commentary in a game against the Yankees. For some reason, the radio team will be sitting in the seats along the first base line. Don’t ask why, just believe. Varitek will join them right before A-Rod’s first at bat.

“Look for him to slap one down the line,” Varitek will say. “Or more likely to slap someone going down the line.”

As he keeps looking over his shoulder at his enemy, A-Rod will swing and miss horribly. On his third swing and miss, the bat will go flying out of his hands towards Varitek, but like all A-Rod’s swings that day, it will miss horribly, whacking a shocked Billy Crystal instead.

Varitek will calmly rise, extend his right hand, palm flat and bend his fingers slowly, in succession. Bring it. A-Rod will charge the catcher and BAM!!! One punch and the diva goes down. “See you on opening day, punk.” Fade to black.

So now you can see that there is a perfect logic to everything the Red Sox have done so far. Now if we can only bait A-Rod into a hair cut match.

(Note: It is possible that some of you may feel Jose is ripping off Bill Simmons who has done some really great stuff on what pro sports would be like if they were more like wrestling. Here is the difference. First, as Jose has said before, he knows way more about wrestling than Simmons. This is not something to be proud of; it is just a fact. Second, whereas Simmons writes fantasies about what sports-entertainment baseball would look like, Jose honestly believes this stuff is going on. Also, not something to be proud of.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/21/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

Now that position players have reported, spring training can begin in earnest. Of course, this is actually the hardest part of spring training for Jose to get through as a blogger. Without a game to serve as a daily focal point, Jose has no choice but to deal in the rumor, innuendo and name calling that serve as news at this time of year. Well, as our Secretary of Defense might say, you blog with the material you have, not the material you wish you had, so let’s dive right in.

1. Did anyone notice that the Boston Globe City Weekly section premiered a new feature this week that features snippets from some of Boston’s premiere blogs? And get this, in the first installment, the historic North End’s own Jose Melendez was NOT featured. So here we are, five days into spring training and Jose is already in Oil Can Boyd mode. The piece featured a guy from Brookline, a proud father from the South End, a theater buff from Jamaica Plain and…get ready for it…A GUY FROM IDAHO, but no Jose Melendez. Hell, they even had a guy talking about watching the repeat of Game 7 of the ALCS on NESN, and still, no Jose.

Who picks these things? Jose thinks that the reporters just have it in for him because he’s not a good interview. Or maybe it’s fan balloting; they only go for the big names not who’s having the best year. Either way, Jose is outraged and is seriously considering going an Oil Can-style bender in protest.

2. An open letter to Alex Rodriguez.

Dear Alex,

Hi. It’s Jose. Jose Melendez. No not the DJ, the blogger. I know you’re going through some tough times right now, you know discovering that all the money in the world can’t buy you friends, but Jose is here to promise you that it will get better. Okay, that’s a lie, it won’t get better, but chin up anyway, or not. At least you’ll always have your beautiful money that you love so much. Still, it’s got to be hard being alone and friendless. It’s one thing that the Red Sox don’t like you, that’s to be expected. After all, you’re the enemy, so Jose isn’t surprised that that doesn’t bother you so much. But your Yankee teammates don’t seem to like you that much either. That’s got to hurt just a little bit, doesn’t it? Everyone tells us Derek Jeter is the greatest human being since Jesus Christ, so if he doesn’t like you, that must say something about you. Heck even Dan Shaughnessy doesn’t like you anymore, and just a little over a year ago he was talking about how great you were because, unlike Nomar, you wanted to visit the Harvard campus. I guess the moral is that you’re an easy guy to like, until someone gets to know you.

So you rolled into Yankee camp yesterday and had a really good press conference, as best Jose can tell from reading the Globe, addressing all of the big issues of the day. And while you said you only got a yellow belt in karate, you must have had a black in ju jitsu the way you side stepped those questions. The fact that your teammates won’t back you up is evidence of what a "classy organization" the Yankees are? Hi-ya. Whenever anyone uses the word classy to describe the Yankees, Jose has the same reaction as when Donald Trump uses the word "classy."

"Oh, you must think classy means grotesquely expensive, horribly tacky and an affront to decent people everywhere."

But Jose is a little worried about you. You said the slap was "a brilliant play. We almost got away with it." Alex, you need to watch the game tape again. Aside from the fact that you sounded like a Scooby Doo villain in that statement, you just got it wrong. It was not a brilliant play. The result of your brilliance was that Jeter was left at first rather than advancing to second. If that is your idea of brilliance, Jose hopes you have a brilliant season.

You also said "I think over time, when I look at my career after 20 years, Game 6, the slap, will all be very trivial compared to what I accomplished." You think it will be trivial? You think it will be forgotten? Forgotten like the reign of Napoleon or World War II perhaps, but surely not forgotten like the Fox program "Women in Prison," or Marvel Comics’ "New Universe."

Alex you aspired to be Cal Ripken or Ernie Banks or Honus Wagner. You have their stats; in many ways you are their superior, but you are not one of them. When you make a foursome for some charity golf tournament in the baseball afterlife, you’re going to look over and find yourself in a cart with Fred Merkel, Fred Snodgrass and Bill Buckner. Mitch Williams can caddie.

But Jose will give you credit for one thing. You ended your press conference taking responsibility for the unprecedented Yankee collapse. "Blame it on me," you said. "If there’s one guy to blame, blame it right here." Very well. You, Alex Rodriguez, the best player in baseball, are the reason the Yankees lost last year. You are single handedly responsible for the biggest choke in baseball history. Forget about, Kevin Brown, Mariano Rivera and Paul Quanrtill; it is all your fault. And you know what? It is all going to happen again.

Doesn’t it feel good to take responsibility?

Your pal (Note: Not really, remember, you don’t have any friends),

Jose Melendez

3. Last night, Jose saw reliever Matt "Seacow" Mantei on Fox 25 announcing his hope to get injured this season. Apparently, after stating his desire to remain healthy the previous few seasons and then getting injured, Seacow thought some reverse karma was in order. Jose can’t be totally sure, his Korean is spotty at best, but he could have sworn that he overheard B.K. Kim expressing hope that he could get his fastball up to 65 in that same segment.

I’m Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/18/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. Will the Red Sox give out championship rings on opening day? Won’t they give out championship rings on opening day? Will championship rings cure cancer? Will championship rings turn water in to wine?

Jose hasn’t heard this much jibber jabber about rings since the premiere of Return of the King. And from the press and fan attention received by this story, one could be excused for thinking that the fate of Middle Earth hangs in the balance. But be at ease Red Sox fans (Note: And hobbits), Jason Varitek does not need to throw a championship ring into the mystical flames of Mt. Doom to end the Red Sox championship drought and vanquish the enemy. Our bats and pitching did that just fine last October.

But seriously, relax. Jose knows forty year old single women who are less obsessed with rings than you all. (Note: Of course, maybe Jose doesn’t care because he doesn’t have tickets to opening day. If you want Jose to care, you know how to do it.)

2. Curt Euro got 1,200 words in the Boston Globe today. David Wells got 1,245. Does anyone else get the impression that these two are more likely to compete for the league lead in column inches as the lead in wins?

Actually, Jose finds it a little distressing. He imagines a scenario in July when the two spot an open mike at the same time. Curt gets there first and starts to opine, then suddenly Wells, in true biker tradition breaks a bottle or possibly a pool cue over Curt’s head and takes the mike. Curt retaliates with a series of rabbit punches and all of a sudden, we’re missing two pitchers and have 20,000 words on them in the Globe.

Here’s Jose’s solution. Sox skipper Terry Eurona should by each of them a little transistor radio and a “Mr. Microphone.” (Note: The little microphone transmitter that Ron Popeil invented)Then they can each walk around all day and pretend that they’re on the radio. That way everyone can feel special all the time.

3. Is Jose the only person who thinks Mosey Nixon was paying A-Rod a compliment when he said that Rodriguez wasn’t “the Yankee Type?” Doesn’t that mean that he thinks A-Rod isn’t an overpaid, arrogant, self-indulgent, overrated jerk? He’s wrong, of course, but that is what the “Yankee type” is.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/17/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

1. And now the winter of our content has come to an end, and the spring of our content has begun. As pitchers and catchers gather in Fort Myers and the shivering masses of New England turn their eyes southward, the most glorious off season in Red Sox history concludes and the most glorious spring training in Red Sox history commences. Once this was the season to hope, now it is the season to strut. Where dreams of erasing past failures once began, visions of championships defended have taken root.

It’s a funny little camp this year, different and strange. Old rituals have given way to new. No longer must we report Megatron Lowe’s traditional first day trip to Jiffy Lube for a lube job. Instead, we wait for David Wells’ traditional first day trip to the strip club for a boob job. Pedro Watch has given way to the Halama Diorama. And careful observation of Scott Williamson’s fragile pitching arm has been replaced by careful observation of Matt Mantei’s fragile pitching arm. (Note: “Mantei” is close enough to “manatee” that Jose thinks he would like to call the flame throwing righty “sea cow.” That might be a fit, but who knows? After all, it’s still only the first day of spring training.)

Yes, it’s the first day of spring training and all is right in the world…except for poverty…and hunger…and that situation in the Middle East, that’s pretty bad. Well, it’s the first day of spring training and much is right with the world.

2. As long as Jose is trying to get in shape for the season, he might as well work on his translation skills with Tony Castrati’s piece from yesterday’s Herald.

Tony Castrati Trying to Make the Cut

What TC says: “For the first time in a long time, no matter where he goes, the manager of the Red Sox is being showered with applause.”

What TC means: “Provided he never goes to New York or Philadelphia.”

What TC says: “Terry Francona appeared at two Boston-area baseball dinners within eight days last month”

What TC means: That’s right; he worked twice within eight days!!! What stamina!!! I can’t imagine keeping up that kind of pace.

What TC says: “Francona has been in Florida for several days now, spending the latter part of last week with his family on what he described as a short vacation”

What TC means: I will say “what he described as a short vacation” so I don’t have to fact check and confirm that it was really a short vacation, rather than a long weekend, or a moderately long vacation.

What TC says: “Francona understands as well as anyone that his current popularity in Boston may be short-lived”

What TC means: It will be if I have anything to do with it. Bring back Grady! Bring back Grady!

What TC says: “Francona knows that he will be ``hammered'' again if and when things go awry in 2005.”

What TC means: I dig that. I like to get hammered when things go awry too, or often if things don’t go awry.

What TC says: It is difficult to imagine the Red Sox having another new manager anytime soon.”

What TC means:
Imagine there’s no Tito,
It’s easy if you try,
Imagine Grady staying,
We should have kept that guy.

What TC says: “Stability.”

What TC means: Apparently in the off season I forgot that one word isn’t really a sentence.

What TC says: “When you are the reigning world champions, improvement comes in small increments.”

What TC means: And yet when one is a writer covering the reigning world champions, there is so much room for improvement. Of course, for me improvement also come sin small increments, if at all.

What TC says: “Once the Red Sox rewrote history by winning their next eight games.”

What TC means: I still don’t understand the difference between rewriting history and making history.

What TC says: Nonetheless, late last season, there was some indication from Red Sox officials that they would like to at least partially refine the team's image in 2005.”

What TC means: I hear they’re going to spend a good two hours a day in spring training sending the players to charm school, like in A League of Their Own.

3. Mike Greenwell, the former Red Sox leftfielder and 1988 MVP runner-up, has told the press that he should receive the MVP now that Jose Canseco has admitted to using steroids.

That would make Greenwell the Carl Lewis of baseball. Lewis also won an award in 1988, an Olympic Gold Medal, after steroids led to a competitor’s disqualification. Well, it would make him the Carl Lewis of baseball without all of the other years of championship level accomplishment, anyway. Also, Carl Lewis never crippled and other members of the U.S. track team by mistake.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/16/05 KEYS TO THE COMMENTS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

During Jose’s time working for the Massachusetts State Legislature, he learned that there is an old saying about constituents and issues. "One constituent calling on an issue is a crank, five are a movement, 10 are a crisis." Well, Jose’s comments on Pride and Prejudice yesterday garnered three critical comments, moving them closer to movement then they are to crank. Thus, Jose, in keeping with U.S. foreign policy, has decided to launch a preemptive strike. In the tradition of lazy sports writers everywhere he will answer his readers when he has no ideas for a post/column. Jose brings you the first ever KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

1. "Nooo Jose! This is my favorite website other than SoSH to check everyday, but you don't like Pride and Prejudice? Please explain in a further key!" Anonymous

"Ditto the first comment, Jose...". Anonymous

"How can Jose not like Pride and Prejudice? Does Jose not see the sarcasm and wit of this timeless satire on social positions?" Anonymous

Now that Jose notices that all three of these posts are anonymous, he realizes that perhaps Jose just has one fan who really, really likes Pride and Prejudice. Hmm…Ockham’s Razor would say that that is more likely than the theory that three of Jose’s readers loved that book. After all, can the crossover between fans of a baseball blog and Jane Austen really be that big? (Note: Unless the Melendezette and Jose’s mother, both of whom love that book are writing in.)

So on to Jose’s issues with Pride and Prejudice, a.k.a. the most boring book Jose has ever read cover to cover. (Note: Not necessarily the most boring book in history, though it probably is, just the most boring book Jose has ever read cover-to-cover. This is jut like how game three of the ALCS may not be the worst game in baseball history, but it is the worst Jose has ever watched all nine innings of.)

Jose’s first issue is that this book has a fundamentally deceptive title. When Jose picked up this book, he naturally assumed that it was about former Red Sox outfielder Curtis Pride and his struggle against discrimination from those who hate the deaf. Wrong! As it became clear that the 4-A outfielder was not the subject of this book, Jose began to expect that it would be about PRIDE fighting and the bigotry PRIDE promoter and legendary Japanese professional wrestler Antonio Inoki faced as a member of the Japanese Diet because of his wrestling background. Apparently, they thought that he was only going to pretend to legislate. Wrong again!! Finally, Jose assumed that if neither of his first two guesses were true, the book must at least be about a misfit young lion struggling to find his place in the pride and in the world, sort of like Shell Silversteins’s epic Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back. Three times wrong!!! (Note: And maybe four times wrong, as Jose’s friend Mait has informed him that only female lions associate in prides.)

As it turns out, the book is about some Englishwoman and her prejudiced and foolish dismissal of one man in order to be courted by another. Jose defies anyone to say that he wouldn’t rather read about Curtis Pride. (Note: Observe Jose’s use of "he" in the previous sentence. Jose does not defy anyone to say that "she" wouldn’t rather read about the Englishwoman.)

Jose read this book as the summer reading for his 12th grade British Literature class along with the modestly less boring A Passage to India. That is the only way he ever would have read it. And as bad as it was, at least when he finished it, he knew he would never have to sit through it again. Of course, he was wrong yet again, and this brings him to his second complaint – that this book insidiously sneaks into other media. Jose knew when he went to see Bridget Jones’ Diary, it would be a chick flick that he probably wouldn’t like. But how could he possibly have know that it would have been nothing more than a vehicle to foist Pride and Prejudice upon an unsuspecting public.

Jose’s third objection is Austen’s ridiculous use of alliteration in the title of what is ostensibly a piece of high literature. Alliteration is fine for blogs, newspapers and Harlequin Romances, but for serious literature? Did Dostoyevsky call Crime and Punishment "Perpetrators and Punishment?" Did Melvillie call Moby Dick "Of Water and Whales?" Did God call the Bible "Sinners and Saviors?" Nope. Because they know alliteration is just a little trashy. Yo, Austen, you want to use a literary device in your title? Why not sack up and lay down some enjambent.

Finally, Jose hated Pride and Prejudice because it was simply boring. Boring like an Andy Reid press conference. Boring like a Pirates-Twins preseason game. If it was any more boring, it would be a power drill.

So the next time Jose read anything by an author named Austen, you can be sure it will be by Stone Cold Steve Austin, or possibly Austin Croshere’s biography. (Note: Speaking of boring.)

2. "Your discourse on the Eagle is appreciated, how about some "Keys to the BC Eagles 20-0 season"?" Xavier Hall
This item is a little bit dated, as the BC Eagles are now decidedly not undefeated, but Jose still thinks it deserves a response.

To be honest, the odds that Jose will ever write on the BC Eagles are not so good. Jose’s basically doesn’t like BC all that much. Why is an interesting question. After all, Jose, at the age of eight, was as swept up in Flutiemania as anyone. He went to see BC play Alabama at Foxboro in driving hail storm with a relative who had gone to Alabama. (Note: As Jose recalls, this relative, who was a Jew from Worcester, got to Alabama by a curious route. He had only gotten in to two colleges Holy Cross, right there in Worcester, and Alabama. His Jewish mother from some part of what was then the Soviet Union was not going to let her son go to Holy Cross, so Alabama it was. So the only question his mother had was "Zis A-la-ba-ma…Ees in Yoonited Stayts?")

Heck Granny Melendez even knitted Jose a sweater in gold and maroon with a football player bearing Flutie’s 22 on the back. Jose loved that sweater. Of course, the first time he wore it to school, some yokel ripped him for wearing an uncouth homemade garment and he stopped wearing it. (Note: Sorry about that Granny Melendez. That sweater was fantastic. If Jose still weighed 85 pounds, he would so be wearing that sweater.)

But the Flutie era ended, and so did Jose’s interest in BC. In fact, Jose started to downright dislike BC. Why is sort of unclear. Was it the legacy of his great-grandmother who grew up in the Bavarian town of Rothenburg ob der Tauber, where they still fight the 30 years war? Was rooting for a Catholic university, even for in his own home town, simply not in his blood? Was Jose desperately looking for a Japanese-German-Jewish University to root for? Or maybe just maybe…did Jose know even then , in his heart of hearts, that he would go to Boston University?

But Jose is a Boston guy, and he likes college sports okay, so he has pangs. Rooting for BU Football is not exactly compelling. (Note: When Ken Walter got the Patriots punting job, he beat out former BU punter Brad Costello. Jose was so disappointed. He desperately wanted the last BU player in the NFL to be a punter. Costello could have been there for 15 years after the program folded.) Every time BC starts to get some momentum in basketball or football (Note: Never Hockey…not ever hockey), Jose begins to feel the attraction of the local college story. Yes, deep down hidden away, Jose may even root for BC. But will he root enough to write about them? Not unless he wants to lose his 10 percent alumni discount at the BU Bookstore.

3. "It is well documented that Jose only refers to himself in the third person, with that one exception at the end of every KEYS. But what is the proper protocol for others to address Jose -- in the third person or the second person singular? Should I have been using "you" rather than "Jose" throughout this comment? And is the protocol the same or different for written and in-person communications? For example, if the Melendezette wishes to get Jose to turn off the damn WWF 2004 Highlights DVD already, does she say "Jose, you really need to go to bed" or "Jose, Jose really needs to go to bed"??? Thank you." Anonymous

This is a fascinating question. Actually, Jose doesn’t like to be addressed by others in the third person or the second person singular. No, he prefers the second person plural pronoun, which by a tremendous coincidence is the same as the second person singular in English. Of course, he likes the accompanying verbs to be in the second person singular. Jose only has hang ups about pronouns, not verbs.

SPECIAL BONUS: Jose is loathe to add a bonus, but he could not let today pass without mentioning one story of note from the Boston Globe. Apparently, a fellow named Mitch Kates is running the Boston mayoral campaign of city councilor at-large Maura Hennigan. Kates appears to be a middling political talent well-suited to a middling mayoral candidate, but he is not without a certain distinction. Once upon a time, Kates wrestled as Jason the Terrible, a goalie masked, ax wielding professional wrestler who in no way infringed upon the copyright of the Friday the 13th horror film franchise.

As you may have noticed, Jose is a bit of a pro-wrestling buff, and with that background, Jose offers some advice to the many influential Boston politicos who read and enjoy the KEYS. First, Jason the Terrible, as Jose recalls, claimed to wear the hockey mask to cover up a face that was horribly scarred in a fire that he started. It may have even bee a fire at an orphanage or foster home. Yet, in today’s Globe, Kates appears to be porcelain skinned. Where are the scars? Is he an arsonist, a liar or both? Either way, should he be running a mayoral campaign? Can the Globe editorialize on this? Second, Jose also recalls Jason the Terrible wrestling in Stampede wrestling in Calgary, Alberta Canada. Stampede, which may now be defunct, was long dominated by the famed Hart family, the most famous of whom are Brett "The Hitman" Heart and the late Owen Hart. Jose suggests that the Menino campaign hire a member of this family as an advisor to help him counter Jason. Jose suggests lesser known wrestler Jack Hart, who when last Jose heard, was representing South Boston in the state Senate…or does he just pretend to be a state Senator as his in ring gimmick. Sometimes it is so hard to tell.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COMMENTS.

2/15/05 KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

Congratulations to the Beanpot winning BU Terriers. This is the best day of every year to be a BU alum. God knows it’s not when they pick a president.

1. Jose knows that pitchers and catchers don’t report until Thursday, position players until the following week and bloggers until sometime in May, but darn it Jose is just too excited to wait. This year he’s taking a page out of Pedro’s book and he’s getting to Spring Training early. (Note: Jose’s father’s birthday is in November anyway, so blaming his late arrivals on the birthday party always did seem a little disingenuous.)

Now, keep in mind that this does not mean that Jose is actually going to Fort Myers. (Note: There have always been jokes about whether Fort Myers was named after Mike Myers or even Jimmy Myers, Jose thinks Shaughnessy made that last one, but did anyone ever stop to consider the possibility that it may have been named after former Celtics catastrophe Joe Forte? It makes sense doesn’t it? After all, they named a town in Ohio after draft bust Michael Young.) No, Jose likes to go to poor, cold desperate places on his vacations. This year he’s thinking Kosovo. So unless the Sox relocate their spring training to Novosibirsk or Gary, Indiana, Jose probably isn’t going to spring training any time soon any time soon. (Note: Just kidding. Jose likes cold and poor, but not “Gary, Indiana” cold and poor.) Instead, Jose will conduct spring training from his celebrated North End tenement, where it is decidedly not spring. Jose will just turn the thermostat up to about 80, buy a few flowering plants for around the house, set up a May Pole and presto change-o, spring has sprung.

2. We all know what spring training means for players, ignoring the manger, being thrown from moving vehicles and coming up with odd injuries that knock them out of the line up for three months, but what does it mean for bloggers?

Just like many players, bloggers get out of shape and out of practice during the off season. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking…and it disgusts him. No, but seriously, Jose does know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Jose, you wrote during the off season. You wrote about Ukraine and the hot stove and magic tricks. How could you be out of shape?”

Well, those sorts of KEYS are all well and good, but they do not exactly get Jose in the shape required for the rigors of the season. Think about it this way. Manny Ramirez may go to the batting cages at Good Times Emporium in Somerville three times a week for 15 minutes, but it’s not exactly the same as taking live batting practice. Since November, Jose’s basically shown up three or four times a week, done some cursory work and then gone home. That needs to change now. For instance, in preparation for the season, Jose is going to need to build up his endurance. Not only will he need better endurance to write every game day, he’ll need better endurance just to be able to get through the Boston Herald sports section. Do you think Jose reads that sort of thing in the off season? Absolutely not. Jose read the Herald today for the first time in months and it left him winded, depressed and discouraged. After all, who needs news on the assassination in Lebanon, when a hero saved a dog from icy waters? If Jose is going to have success this season, he needs to be able to plow through the Herald, the Metro and maybe even the Phoenix without breaking a sweat.

So let Jose give you a brief rundown on the sorts of drills he’ll be doing between now and the first spring training game. (Note: When he’ll be on a strict word count.)

Typing drills: “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.” It’s an oldie but a goodie. It tests Jose’s accuracy to all parts of the keyboard, as well as his speed. Right now both are lacking. Jose originally wrote that as “The quick brown foz juped over the lazy dog,” and it took him 35 minutes. Jose needs to get that down to about 20 seconds. So there’s some room for improvement.

Reading comprehension drills: As any regular reader of Peter Gammons columns knows, understanding baseball writing can be a challenge, and one cannot mock what one does not understand…unless one is mocking its very incomprehensibility. So Jose has cracked out some old SAT test prep books and is working the reading comprehension sections hard. Can he understand the essay about the difference between economic forecasts and weather forecasts? (Note: This is a real SAT essay from Jose’s SATs…that weather forecasts don’t change the weather is the difference.) What about the essay on symbolism in the works of Jane Austen? If Jose can work his way though anything about Jane Austen, author of his least favorite book ever, Pride and Prejudice, Tony Castrati’s latest drivel should be a snap.

Nickname drills – Jose picks random names out of the newspaper and work nicknames.

Kennedy School Belfer Center Director, Robert I. Rotberg – Red Mountain Rob

House Appropriations Chair, Jerry Lewis – Umm…So maybe that’s a little too easy.

Mayoral Candidate Patricia White – Patricia “Thanks Dad” White. Wait…That’s a Shaughnessy nickname for former Celtics owner Paul Gaston. See this is why Jose has to work on this stuff now, so he doesn’t get caught mid-season and end up having to pull and Eric Kneel.

3. Ultimately, spring training is all about fundamentals, and that’s what Jose has to work on. Much like his beloved Red Sox, Jose was successful despite his fundamentals rather than because of them. While the Red Sox survived consecutive four error games in the World Series, Jose survived numerous outings featuring horrific confusions of “to,” “too;” two” “its” and “it’s” and God knows what else. It didn’t seem so bad at the time, but when one looks at the season as a whole, it’s pretty horrific. Ask anyone who read the KEYS book. Jose knows all of the grammar rules; he just gets a little jumpy sometimes when it’s game time.

But, Jose is one year older now, and maybe not this year, but some year, he isn’t going to be able to get by on his stuff any more. He’s going to have to write smarter, not faster or harder. And getting his fundamentals in line now will make that transition a heck of a lot easier down the stretch.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO SPRING TRAINING.

2/10/05 Jose Canseco's KEYS TO THE GAME

It’s time for Jose Canseco’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Hi there. Jose Canseco here, MVP, World Series champ, and lover of fast cars, fast women and fastballs. Well, not fastballs so much anymore, but you get the point. I’d like to thank my namesake Jose Melendez for giving me the use of his space today as I promote my new book Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big. Apparently, Jose’s gone off on a bit of a bender following his correct pick for the Super Bowl, after all, $100 can buy an awful lot of Chef Boyardee, and he isn’t in writing shape write right now. I told him that some steroids would clear that hangover right up, but he said that under the new collective bargaining agreement, blogger.com is now testing. So I offered him some human growth hormone, because you really can’t test for that and…well, you get the point.

But let’s get to the part you’ve all been waiting for. What everyone wants is to hear me name names. You’d think that having been born in Castro’s Cuba, a country with a huge state security system, I’d be sensitive to the danger of naming names, and yet I’m not. Go figure.

So, who’s on drugs? Well, you’ve already heard about my allegations that Mark McGuire, Ivan Rodriguez, Roberto Alomar and Rafael Palmiero were juicing from my publicity leaks, but what other names do I have to give up? Well, I’m no longer just a baseball player. No, since I was blackballed, I’m a writer now too. And that means I have the names of some writers to give up, as well. Did you know Hunter S. Thompson uses drugs? Yup, it’s the God’s honest truth, uppers downers, hallucinogens, horse tranquilizers…the works!!! Remember you heard it here first. And you know who else was on drugs? Well, I don’t really know. I’m not much of a reader see…so let’s just say F. Scott Fitzgerald, Martin Luther, Jane Austen and the guy who wrote Clifford the Big Red Dog. Big red dog…you make the case that he’s not on drugs. (Note: This libel represents the views of Jose Canseco, and not the views of Jose Melendez, blogger.com, or anyone whose brain hasn’t been shrunk to the size of a pecan by years of steroid abuse.)

2. One of the claims in my book that is going to get the most attention is my statement that George W. Bush must have known about the rampant steroid use on the Texas Rangers when he ran the ball club. President Bush, through a spokesman, has denied this, so we end up with a classic he said/he said situation. So what it really comes down to is credibility. On the one hand, you have the President of the United States, the man who assured you that there were WMD in Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11 and that he is a moderate. On the other hand you have me, Jose Canseco. I dated Madonna.

So there are the facts. You decide who is more credible.

3. Finally, I know this blog is primarily big with Boston folks, so you’re probably wondering if any of the 1995-1996 Boston Red Sox are going to be implicated for drug use in my book. After all, no Red Sox names have leaked out…yet. Well, I’m proud to give KEYS TO THE GAME readers a sneak peak at Jose’s list of Red Sox on drugs.

Kevin Kennedy: Rogaine – Come on, you never thought he grew that mustache without chemical assistance did you?

Roger Clemens, Mike Greenwell: Stupid Pills

Brian Looney: Lithium – Just look at his name. Not to hard to diagnose him with mental illness.

Lee Tinsley: Speed – He must have been, he certainly wasn’t taking any “hit.”

Mo Vaughn: Dexatrim – Well, no. But he should have been.

Will Cordero: Hmm…increasing mass, violent outbursts…hey he might have been on actual steroids!

Tim Johnson: Sodium pentothal – No wait…that’s the one that makes you tell the truth. Which is the one that makes you tell lies about committing war crimes in Vietnam?

See, so it’s a relatively small list, but it still shows just how rampant drug abuse was.

Well, those are about all the wild accusations I have for the moment. I’d like to thank Jose Melendez for this space, and urge you all to buy my book for more shocking accusations about the game you love.

I’m Jose Canseco, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

2/7/05 - KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

I.
Branch and Bruschi, stars so bright,
In the Super Bowl last night,
All team and no talk of "I"
Let’s bet thy fearful symmetry.

With apologies to William Blake. Jose called it. Symmetry baby, symmetry!!! Pats by 3!!! So Jose not only gets to bask in the gentle glow of the Patriots third world championship, he gets to recline in the comforting gleam of $100 US. Of course, he only has $40 of it right now and will spend the next year chasing down friends in New York, Chicago and Yokohama for his winnings, but at least he doesn’t have to front the money this year. (Note: Jose literally carries the sheet with bets in his wallet at all times so he can ensure that he gets his money.)

The heart stopping moment for Jose the bettor was, of course, Rodney Harrison’s interception at the end of the game. Jose had this moment of sheer terror as it looked like Harrison might decide to run the ball back for a meaningless, pick ruining touchdown. (Note: That would have delighted many other bettors by ensuring that the Patriots covered the spread.) Jose has been down this road before. He thinks Don Beebe’s famous strip of a showboating Leon Lett may have cost him a pot one year, though maybe it was something else. Regardless, thank you Patriots. Jose has never been so thankful that you are too classy to run up the score.

II. One of the disadvantages of writing almost 24 hours after the start of the game is that almost everything that can be written has been written. For instance, at about 6:30 last night, Jose thought that he could do some great original material on the kid who flipped, or more accurately, failed to flip the coin to start the game. But Jose returns home from work to learn that pretty much everyone has already written about it in the desperate hunt for anything new to say. So instead of writing about the coin flip itself, Jose will offer a humble suggestion as to who should flip the coin next year – Jose Melendez. As it turns out Jose, is really, really good with a coin.

Jose’s grandfather Fritz Melendez was a magician (Note: Jose’s father says he grew up in a house where IBM was understood to mean International Brotherhood of Magicians), but died when Jose was less than one year old, so Jose never learned much magic. Sadly, Jose’s muggleness continued until Jose’s sophomore year at BU when a friend taught him as simple trick that involved making a quarter pass magically from hand to hand. Jose’s friend promised him that this trick would be useful in impressing women, and so it has been, becoming a staple of Jose’s second date routine. (Note: Jose knows some women think magic is stupid, but if you hate magic, Jose wants nothing to do with you anyway, as you are probably a communist.) This tactic was especially effective on the Melendezette, as it turns out that her paternal grandfather was also a magician. The trick also served as a useful tool for entertaining Romanian orphans when Jose visited his friend Amy who was working with them. With the language barrier preventing Jose from relying on his normal witty repartee, magic proved the answer.

But wait, there’s more. Jose owes his job to the little trick with the quarter. (Note: Resulting in Jose’s declaration that "This trick is effective on both Romanian orphans and non-profit executives.) Jose works for a coalition that includes both business and organized labor, and as such needed to demonstrate comfort with both sides during the interview process. Jose had spent the previous four years doing corporate public relations, so he felt it was essential to demonstrate that he understood to the board member from labor that corporations could not be trusted.

"Look," Jose explained. "The new trend in PR is ‘Corporate Social Responsibility.’ All sorts of big companies are hiring VPs of Corporate Social Responsibility to oversee good works and what not. But let’s not kid ourselves. Corporate Social Responsibility is really about companies trying to create a suit of armor… a record of good works that will protect them from the lances of corporate scandal. This is what corporate social responsibility really is."

Jose fished a quarter from his pocket and placed it between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. With his left hand he made a great arcing motion and grasped the quarter. Yet when the motion was complete, he opened his left hand to show that the quarter had disappeared, then his right to show that the quarter remained. Magic.

"Jose’s left hand is corporate social responsibility," explained Jose. "The left hand is adopting good causes, and giving money to charity and so on. Yet at the end of the day, that is not where the quarter ends up is it? No, the quarter, the profit, stays in the right hand, because the right hand is business, and for corporations, doing business is always the goal. The left hand is merely a distraction to draw attention away from the fact that the right is doing the same things it always did, polluting the environment, using sweatshop labor and so on. It’s misdirection, plain and simple. But that doesn’t mean we, as a socially minded non-profit can’t turn this to our advantage. As long as we can remember that the interest of business is business and everything it does is with profit making in mind, we can exploit corporate social responsibility quite nicely."

What is amazing is that Jose actually go the job. C’mon. He did a frickin’ magic trick in his interview. That’s nuts.

Months later Jose asked his boss if the trick had helped or hurt. She gave the worst reply of all. "What trick?" Well, as Jose said, not everyone is impressed by magic.

So here is the point: If Jose is given the job of flipping the coin for Super Bowl XL, he can just make the coin disappear, thereby ensuring that the game must begin with an XFL style scramble for the ball, which is really more fun anyway.

III. In this, the final KEY of Jose’s Super Bowl running diary, he would like to simply lament the fact that when he needed it most, he could not remember the theme to the nighttime soap opera Dynasty. He wanted desperately to hum it in celebration of the new Patriots dynasty last night, but he could not. This is probably because Jose has never seen that show in his entire life, but still, knowing the theme song would be useful. Jose could hum the Dallas theme song all day, it’s catchy, but thankfully he’s not a Cowboys fan, so it’s of no use to him.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/6/05-KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

I. It’s now a little more than one hour from game time and after weeks of training Jose must now begin the painstaking promise of getting into fight mentality. Why fight mentality? Because every year offers the possibility of a throwdown, an invitation to violence, a battle to end all battles. But Jose will not throw haymakers on the streets of Allston or the working class bars of East Cambridge. No, he saves his fighting shoes for a humble living room in a Boston suburb.

Some years ago, Jose and his brother Sam came to blows during the Melendez family Super Bowl party. Well, maybe not blows, but a series of front face locks and chicken wings anyway. As you know, Jose is not one to resort to violence, but some things are worth fighting for. In this case, it was who would get to recline on the floor against a certain pillow. Jose knows it sounds trivial, even barbaric, but you weren’t there. You don’t know what it was like and don’t you ever, ever dare to judge Jose unless you do.

The people were packed, there wasn’t a chair, spot on the sofa, ottoman or stool to be found. All that remained were spots on the floor, and even those were scarce. A pillow could mean the difference between comfort and modest backache the next day. There was one pillow left and Jose’s brother tried to steal it from him. Or was it the other way around? It doesn’t matter…in situations like that there is no law of man, only the law of the jungle.

Every year since then, Jose’s friends have taunted him, reminded him of the barbarism, of the madness. They have begged for a rematch and Jose has hinted at consenting. Yes, he has used their bloodlust as an enticement to come to the party; and they have come as surely as people flock to the cockfights or pit bull fights or games between the Pacers and Pistons. Jose has never again yielded to the madness, never again allowed the breakdown of the entire social order to rob him of his civility. But perhaps that time will come again, perhaps it will be today. All Jose knows is he must prepare. He must be ready for the day Sam tries to take his pillow again.

II. The Eagle sounds like a pretty tough mascot doesn’t it? After all, Eagles are huge, fierce birds. But is that really what the Eagles’ founders meant when they christened their franchise?

Pennsylvania has always had one of the greatest concentrations of German-Americans in the entire country, the famed "Pennsylvania Dutch," so might one not reasonably assume that when the Eagles were founded, the owners looked to reach out to their Germanic audience with a name that might resonate with them? The German word "Igel" is pronounced exactly the same as "Eagle," but it has a very different meaning. "Igel" is the German word for "hedgehog." (Note: And Seeigel, is a sea urchin.) So is it not possible, just possible that the real mascot of Philadelphia’s men in green is the hedgehog? Probably not, but Jose would like to think so, as he is almost out of material. So let’s assume they really are the hedgehogs and rejoice in the fact that those hedgehogs don’t scare anybody.

On the other hand, Jose must concede that there is a good chance that the mascot really is an Eagle. After all, the German word for "Eagle" is "Adler," and Jose fully expects most members of the Eagles to look addled after the first few downs.

III. Finally Jose offers his pick for the game. Prepare for the point spread to move. Jose has now collected bets from everyone in his pool and can publicly declare his pick without worrying that the information will aid other bettors.

Jose’s pick is Patriots 27 Eagles 24. When Jose looks at the matchups and looks at the records, he feels almost certain that the margin will be much larger. After all, the Eagles had only one more win against a winning team this year than Little Cesar Crespo had RBIs— not many. But Jose, as usual, gets lost in the symmetry. He is seduced by the easy logic that just because something has happened twice before, it will probably happen again. This is why Jose avoids investing in the stock market. He knows that he can’t trust himself to remember that past performance does not indicate future results. Jose would be too tempted to invest in Enron based on their success in the 1990s, or Ford based on their ingenuity in producing the Model T. And yet, Jose picks the Patriots by three. Yes, the symmetry is indeed seductive. Of course, the upside of this is that every time the Yankees get up 3-0 in a series for the rest of history, Jose will be completely confident of a choke.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/5/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

I. Well, it seems like Jose has been able to make it to just about as many Super Bowl events in Jacksonville as Bill Simmons. Apparently, getting to them from Boston is almost as inconvenient as getting to them from anywhere in Jacksonville. (Note: After reading Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback, Jose realized that since it is the Super Bowl the KEYS should have roman numerals. Thanks TMQ!)

The big news yesterday was that Socrates of Route 1, Bill Belicheck refused to touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy for a photo shoot yesterday. Apparently, Belicheck didn’t want to jinx the team or be presumptuous by touching the trophy without actually having won. Jose knows exactly how he feels. When they cut the promos for this year’s Pulitzer Prize Awards ceremony, Jose refused to touch the Pulitzer Prize, pose with the Pulitzer prize or even talk with the selection committee. Jose is pleased that the committee has respected his superstition by not even trying to contact him. Yes, Jose will just sit back and wait to receive the news that he is the new winner of a shiny Pulitzer Prize, suitable for framing or selling on Ebay. (Note: Jose is not a historian of journalism, but wasn’t Joseph Pulitzer the owner of yellow journalism tabloids that competed with the Hearst papers to see who could go deeper into the gutter? If Jose has that right, is it really appropriate to name journalism’s most prestigious award for him? Isn’t it a little bit like calling the Super Bowl Trophy the "Rich Kotite Trophy," the Stanley Cup the "Jeremy Jacobs Cup," the NBA Championship trophy the "Rick Pitino Trophy," or the World Series trophy, the "Alex Rodriguez Trophy?" Or would it be more like calling MLB’s sportsmanship award the "Alex Rodriguez Award?")

II. On Thursday night, the Melendezette talked Jose into watching an MTV program called "Super Sweet 16 Bash" or something to that effect. This show made Jose feel bad….really, really bad. Normally the sorts of shows that make Jose feel bad are about war torn countries, or crime or the 86 Series, but this time it was a show about a teenager’s birthday party. Why? Because it made Jose sort of hate people, and hate makes Jose sad.

The premise of the show is that they follow around an unbelievably rich, unbelievably spoiled teenager as she plans and hold a grotesque, excessive, unbelievably expensive sweet 16 party. On this episode they followed around a girl from California as she flew to Paris to buy an expensive, slutty dress, whines to her father about how if she doesn’t get a Range Rover as a present, her birthday will be ruined, and selects which four shirtless male college students she will have carry her in on an elegantly upholster lounging couch (Note: Jose has no idea what this piece of furniture is called, but think Emperor Nero) as she makes her entrance to her "Arabian Nights" themed party. (Note: What do these guys say when their friends or families ask how they are making money? "Oh, I’m a shirtless servant to a 16 year old girl?" Jose guesses they lie and say they are something marginally less humiliating like sperm bank technician, gigolo or player for the New York Yankees…well, maybe not player for the Yankees, that’s more humiliating, but you get the point.) In total, the party costs $200,000.

Jose knows people watch these sort of shows for their train wreck quality, and they are undeniably amusing, but Jose just hates the people on them so much that he finds it unsettling. Those sorts of emotions should be reserved for tyrants, thugs and members of a certain choking baseball team.

Jose is a liberal and all these shows make him think is that we should tax the hell out of these people. Actually, Jose would like to see this become part of the Democrats messaging in the next election, or for the reimplementation of the estate tax. Jose would like to see John Kerry, Howard Dean or whoever get up there and say, "The difference between the Republicans and me is that I believe Paris Hilton should pay a lot more taxes, they believe she’s earned it." Now, you fans of the Paris Hilton tape make argue that she did earn it, but Jose will gladly let the Republicans adopt a firm stance in favor of amateur pornography.

But look, Jose is going on about these despicable brats as if they are KEYS worthy…if it wasn’t the Super Bowl, they’d never make the cut. Enough.

III. Jose just saw the anti-rioting "celebrate responsibly" ad featuring Theo Epstein, and The Honorable Thomas M. Menino urging Bostonians to "celebrate responsibly." Jose would also like to urge you to celebrate responsibly, but he wants to be really clear on what that actually means.

1. When setting cars alight, consider using electric tea lights rather than gasoline.
2. Always drink responsibly. If you are going to make screwdrivers, use Rubinoff, not the good vodka.
3. Most riots are in college neighborhoods. If you are a college student, consider dropping out.
4. If the police start shooting into the crowd try to duck. (Note: Being serious for a moment, we should never forget that Victoria Snellgrove died because a police officer shot her with a weapon he was not trained to use. Jose is generally pro-police, but rioters did not cause that death, bad BPD policies did, and that really does make Jose sad.)
5. If you insist on rioting, have some consideration for your neighbors. Make it a Quiet Riot.
6. Stay away from Jose’s house.
7. Remember that rioting is a function of "mob mentality." Avoid watching Godfather, Goodfellas or the Sopranos for the next two days; they might give you mob mentality.
8. Colleges have vowed to expel rioting students. If you are failing out anyway, carefully evaluate which news would upset your parents more – the news that you failed out of school or the news that you were expelled – then make a responsible decision.
9. If confused by what "celebrating responsibly really means" consider consulting the "Personal Responsibility and Work Opportunity Reconciliation Act of 1996." As best Jose recalls from the thesis he wrote on it, it defines being responsible as not being on welfare, so Jose urges you not to celebrate a Patriots win or mourn a Patriots loss by going on Transitional Aid to Needy Families.
10. Listening to the song "Celebrate Good Times" is never responsible. NEVER.

I'm Jose Melendez and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/3/05 KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1. Today we continue Jose’s running journal on Super Bowl XXXIX, a veritable grab bag of football, non-football and vaguely footballish KEYS. Today we begin with a KEY that is nominally related to football. In his previous entry, Jose wrote about the Melendez family’s grand traditions for football’s greatest, or at bare minimum third greatest, game. (Note: After the AFC championship and AFC division contests. And perhaps the Belmont-Watertown Thanksgiving game.)

Despite the years of noble tradition, not everything has gone always gone smoothly. For instance, there was 1995, the first year in many, many years, that Jose decided not to have a party at the Melendez family compound. Instead. Jose attended a party where the hosts decided to start watching the Simpsons at half time (Note: No problem), and then refused to change back when half time was over (Note: Problem). Jose loves the Simpsons as much as anyone, but watching a new Simpsons episode, much less a rerun, should never take precedence over even the most one sided of Super Bowls at the opening of the third quarter. One should never switch to the Simpsons unless the margin is four touchdowns at the beginning of the fourth quarter. This is just common sense people. On the plus side, there were a lot of chicken wings at the party.

2. But that was not the worst. No, the worst was the 49ers-Broncos Super Bowl in 1990. That was the Super Bowl that never was. Sure the final was 55-10 or something similar, so most football fans would like to think of it as the Super Bowl that never was, but for Jose, it really never was…he didn’t watch it. Instead, he was in sex ed. Sounds a little odd doesn’t it? But it’s true. Jose is a Unitarian-Universalist, the religious equivalent of O’Douls, and one of the religion’s tenants, in addition to the inherent dignity of all human beings and the importance of the democratic process is, apparently, that teenagers should get rigorous and explicit sex education, using the finest technology of the swinging 70s.

You see, the UU’s offered a sex ed class called "About Your Sexuality" (AYS) that presented teens with all of the useful information about sexuality that public school classes tend to omit in favor of lectures on self-esteem. (Note: The health class in Jose’s middle school, as part of the self-esteem curriculum, required students to come up with one nice thing to say anonymously about each of their classmates. Before this process began, the teacher sought to prove that one could say nice things about anyone by insisting that we develop a list of positive things about one of the worst people ever – Hitler. So everyone had to come up with nice things to say about Hitler. Jose doesn’t know which bothered him more, that he had to say something nice about Hitler, that his mustache was always well-trimmed or something like that, or that as a result, Jose believed for years that Hitler was a talented painter….that’s B.S., Hitler’s painting sucked.) In AYS, students were not only given useful information about anatomy, birth control, and sex, but actually shown film strips of people engaging in sex acts…not videos….film strips…you know, people in the missionary position (turn strip) doggy style, (turn strip) reverse cowgirl, etc. And keep in mind that this was 1990, we should have at least had VHS. Yup, hearing one’s parents church friends (Note: A couple from the church led the class) was traumatic enough, but having them talk through film strips…now that’s 86 World Series traumatic.

But what the hell does this have to do with football? Well, the initial class was set for Super Bowl Sunday during the big game. Jose was furious. This was the Super Bowl, this was the Bud Bowl, this was not something to be cast aside for a mere anatomy primer. Jose’s reform Jewish friend Dan, thought Jose was a sucker. He went on and on about how his Rabbi would never set anything for during the Super Bowl, and even if he did, he would reschedule after learning of his error, assimilation and all, Jose supposes. Of course, two years later, Dan’s Rabbi scheduled a Jewish youth group event for during the Super Bowl and Dan went along meekly. Wuss.

Jose did not go meekly. He complained to his parents with great anger, so stirring his mother that at the parents organizing meeting to explain the class, she rose and passionately implored the group to postpone the start of the class by one week. Just when she had begun to sway the crowd with her stirring and highly logical oratory, Jose’s father rose to support his wife. BAM. He insisted that the class not be postponed. In perhaps the most shocking reversal since Mr. Wonderful Paul Ornorff, clotheslined his tag team partner Hulk Hogan to the ground following a match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, Dick Melendez double crossed his son.

As it turns out, Dick Melendez did his son a favor. The game was the biggest blow out in Super Bowl history, and Jose saw only the relatively competitive first quarter. And the class? Well, let’s just say Jose knows an awful lot about the ladies.

3. Finally, Jose leaves the world of football. Jose has learned that among the wrestlers being inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this year are former Tag Team Champions Nikolai Volkoff and the Iron Sheik. (Note: The Iron Sheik is also a former World Champion.) Jose finds a disturbing lack of resolve on the part of the WWF-owning McMahon in their decision to induct such rabid anti-Americans. Don’t they know there’s a war on? In light of pending Iranian nuclearization and renewed Russian militarism is this really appropriate? Won’t it give strength and comfort to our enemies? ? Is the Attorney General paying attention? Jose demands that they repeal these two inductions and replace them with real American heroes like Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiasie and Irwin R. Shyster.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

2/1/05 - KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1. That’s right, for the remainder of Super Bowl week Jose will be keeping a running diary of his Super Bowl week experiences. Now Jose knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Wow, Jose I didn’t even know you were at the Super Bowl."

Well, the truth is, Jose isn’t at the Super Bowl, and he certainly isn’t spending the week in a cushy hotel 45 minutes from the center of a centerless city on an expense account. In fact, he wasn’t even planning on doing a running diary until Bill Simmons convinced him otherwise. Jose is a big fan of Simmons and has been following his running Super Bowl diary for ESPN Page 2, just as he did last year, and today, Jose noticed something. It isn’t really about football. So far, Simmons’ diary appears to have consisted mostly of commentary about what he watched on TV and the death of Johnny Carson. Jose’s not saying that Simmons isn’t in Jacksonville, obviously he is, but it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t need to be. After all, until Sunday at 6:30 EST, there isn’t a whole heck of lot going on that has anything to do with football. So for days reporter after reporter will write columns diminishing the city of Jacksonville, discussing subjects completely unrelated to football (celebrities, parties, advertisements) and occasionally writing a story on Terrell Owens. As it turns out, Jose can do that from the relative comfort of his tenement in Boston’s historic North End. In fact, Jose can use this as an excuse to write single KEYS on every subject that he hasn’t been able to come up with a full three KEYS for over the past year. So let’s get cracking.

2. Jose and his brother Sam will be watching the Super Bowl at the Melendez family compound in an undisclosed suburban Boston town this year. (Note: Here’s a hint…it’s not Watertown.) For years and years, Jose held a Super Bowl party at the compound every year, beginning with the Patriots first Super Bowl appearance in 1996 (Correction: 1986) when Jose was in fourth grade. As you may recall, the game was not so good, and Jose’s mother made the tough decision to call the parents of Jose’s friends and ask them to pick up their increasingly rowdy children at half time. How rowdy were we? Well, let’s put it this way, at that moment it seemed far more likely that we were all on cocaine than half the Patriots squad. To this day, Jose’s mother regards that as the only party she has ever thrown that was a failure. Thank you again Tony Eason, Raymond Berry and friends for making Jose’s mom feel bad.

One of the traditions begun that day was the Melendez friends and family Super Bowl pool. Of course, there were some logistical problems that year. First, everyone left at halftime, so arranging for the winner to take his winnings would have been hard. But the greater problem was that everyone except Jose’s parents was nine years old, so cash to gamble away was in fairly short supply. (Note: Despite the fact that neither Jose nor his parents are gamblers, gambling seems to have played a significant part in a lot of parties at his house. At one of Jose’s birthday parties, Jose’s father taught Jose and his friends to pitch pennies. One of Jose’s guests was from Mattapan, and his father looked at the penny pitching with amusement and pointed out that "In our neighborhood, we teach kids NOT to pitch pennies.) How did we solve the jackpot problem? Jose’s mother bought a Go-Boot to give to the pool’s winner. One would figure that the promise of a shiny new robot that transformed into some sort of drilling truck would be enough to maintain a the interest of a child, but alas it was not. As one might imagine for such a disastrous party, the winner of the Go-Bot was….yup, Jose’s mom. Unfortunately for her, the robot was not programmed to handle rowdy children. Actually, this was the start of a trend. Jose’s mother has won the pool three times over the years, making her the all-time wins leader. While her wins are not fueled by an in-depth knowledge of football, she at least has a more legitimate claim to the pot than Jose’s father, who always responds to news of the pool with the question "Who’s playing?" followed closely by the question "What do I have to tell you?"

3. Another tradition at the Melendez Super Bowl party is cooking food that is related to the culture of the host city. For instance, when the Super Bowl is in New Orleans, we have prepared jambalaya and red beans and rice. For Sand Diego…well, to be honest, we’ve just kept making jambalaya year after year, along with nachos and cocktail hot dogs. They just taste good. But this year we want to really reenergize the tradition, so in honor of Jacksonville, we’re thinking about making some white toast and ordering in from Red Lobster. (Note: See Jose doesn’t have to actually be in Jacksonville to hate on it just like the "professional" journalists.)

Well, this was a remarkably football centric Super Bowl KEYS, but not to worry, there are still five more days for stories about the Melendez Super Bowl party and many, many subjects completely unrelated to football.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE SUPER BOWL.

1/30/05 - KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.

1. Now that Doug Mientkiewicz is gone from the Red Sox roster and closed captioneers everywhere have been freed from the cruel toil of typing his name at great speed, Jose should probably address the infamous World Series ball situation. Since the situation has now been more or less resolved, with the Red Sox displaying the ball and the ownership of the ball remaining indeterminate for now, it may seem like Jose is as far behind on this issue as Arod on a Curt Euro fastball. But Jose would disagree. Jose thinks he is right on the vanguard of the real issue. The real issue, of course, is who owns all manner of World Series memorabilia.

People act like the ball was the only piece of precious World Series history that might have gone missing. But what happened to the Mientkeiwicz’s glove? What happened to the bases? What happened to Terry Eurona’s score card? And if the Red Sox traded Mientkiewicz to a team where he would be a starter as a reward for agreeing to share the ball (Note: They didn’t, but let’s pretend.) is it not possible, just possible, that they acquired Edgar Renteria in order to get the bat that struck the final out of the World Series?

And what about other items of historical import? What happened to the chalk from the base lines? Was it washed away? Did it disappear up Darryl Strawberry’s nose like so much other white powder before it? What about World Series MVP Manny Ramirez’s Game 4 jock strap? Has anyone even bothered to look into that? Even Jose has not been immune. For the past three weeks, Jose has been getting phone calls from Leisure Suit Larry Lucchnino demanding that Jose hand over the computer he used to write the KEYS to Game 4 of the World Series. Lucchino insists that it doesn’t belong to Jose, it really belongs to the fans, by which he means the Red Sox, and that it should be touring New England, or in the Red Sox museum, not that such a thing exists, rather than in Jose’s frosty tenement apartment. Jose agrees that the computer doesn’t belong to him, but he disagrees about to whom it belongs. Larry says the people own it, Jose says the Melendezette owns it, because she, you know, paid for it. Let’s see the people…the Melendezette…the people…the Melendezette. Hmmm….Sorry Larry, Jose’s beloved "the people" are going to lose out on this one.

2. With the departure of Doug Mientkiewicz to the Mets, the Red Sox have now surrendered both players acquired in return for Shortstop Nomar Garciaparra. So at the end of the day, the Red Sox gave up Nomar, for Single A first baseman Ian Bladergroen and the two draft picks received for Orlando Cabrerra. Of course, the Sox gave up two picks wen they signed ER, so basically it boils down to Nomar for Ian…and a World championship. Obviously it’s a good trade in the net, but still Jose wonders, if years from now, he’ll be lamenting the Garciaparra for Bladergroen trade?

No, probably not.

3. So Pedro is signed, Beltran is signed, ER is signed, OC is signed, Pavano is signed, Delgado is signed, Tek is signed, pretty much everyone is signed, so the Hot Stove season is basically gone and yet spring training is still a few weeks away. Everyone knows that this is the slowest part of the baseball calendar, and a distinct phase of the off season completely separate from the Hot Stove season, and yet no one has a name for it. Jose would like to come up with a name for this period.

Jose has heard some people refer to it as the "cool stove" or the "not hot stove" but those don’t really have much zip to them. What we need to do here is dip deeper into the world of metaphor. They call it the hot stove since everything is simmering, bubbles of activity delicately rupturing the seemingly calm surface of the offseason. So what happens at this time of year? Well, the only real baseball activity appears to be invalids like Magglio Ordonez or players who greatly overestimated their own values looking to sign desperate last minute deals. So what might capture that and yet be as snappy and mellifluous as "Hot Stove season?" Since not much is happening and only injured or recycled players are still signing, Jose proposes that the next three weeks be known henceforth as the "Cold Leftovers Season." Peter Gammons can even put pout a CD called "Cold Leftovers, Lukewarm music" It won’t have the really good or popular bands on it, like "Hot Stove, Cool Music" instead it will have bands like Wang Chung and Ratt.

(Note: Jose hates the Cold Leftovers season. He’s got absolutely nothing to work with, as you can probably tell from reading these KEYS. More about the World Series ball? Second guessing the fantastically successful Nomar trade? Coming up with the name Cold Leftovers season? Joking about Ratt? This is not one for the portfolio. Of course, maybe Jose is just grumpy because the huge free agent deal his agent promised him has yet to come to fruition. Jose may be forced to go to the Royals camp as a non-roster blogger and try to earn his way on to their blogger corps and a shot at the league minimum.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE COLD LEFTOVERS.