Wednesday, September 29

From SoSH: Re: 9/29: Bos v. TB: Martinez v. Waechter

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The neighborhood watch is in effect. Reader wdichtel noticed that an online Boston Globe story by Chris Rattey that equated Red Sox and Yankees personnel to characters in the Star Wars Trilogy, cast Derek Lowe as C-3PO with the following text "Sure, he came inches away from playing Princess Leia. But in the end we thought casting D-Lowe as a fussy, anxiety-riddled droid made much more sense."
Let's see anxiety riddled droid, anxiety riddled droid, why does that sound so familiar? Jeez…that’s sort of like calling him "DLowe the Paranoid Android isn’t it?" Could it be that Eric Kneel has inspired copycats? Jose knows, it is hard to believe that a journalistic institution that has been home to greats like Mike Barnicle and Patricia Smith would ever be involved in something so untoward, especially on the highly credible "Internet," but it appears to be the case.
Jose sent the following email to Mr. Rattey trying to see if he’ll admit his mistake. (Note: Jose also wants to see if anyone else is self aware as Jose’s new best friend Eric Kneel.)
Dear Mr. Rattey,
This is Jose Melendez, Sox blogger (, devoted Sons of Sam Horn member and relentless user of the third person. Jose is writing in response to your recent "lighter side" where you put the Red Sox/Yankees rivalry in a Star Wars context. It was an enjoyable piece, but Jose must take issue with your highly accurate characterization of Derek Lowe as an "anxiety riddled droid." It’s not that it’s untrue…it’s just that…well, it’s been done before…by Jose. Jose has been referring to the temperamental righty as "DLowe the Paranoid Android since May 26. Now admittedly, Jose swiped the "Paranoid Android" moniker from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, (Note: And possibly Radiohead), but he cited The Hitchhiker’s Guide and was the first to describe DLowe as a neurotic automaton. Besides, Jose stole it first so to quote Krusty the Clown, "If this is anyone other than Steve Allen you’re stealing my bit."
It’s true. Use this link and you can see that Jose really has been taking about Lowe’s robotic nature since
Your pal,
Jose Melendez

2. Despite DLowe The Paranoid Android’s terrible outing last night there is good news for him. He still has a reasonable chance of achieving sainthood. According to William J. Kole of the Associated Press, the Catholic church beatified Austro-Hungarian Kaiser Karl I yesterday, a step towards canonization. Karl’s miracle was not surrendering in WWI and ending the monarchy, but healing the varicose veins of a Brazilian nun who prayed to him. (Note: Shouldn’t praying to some random King be blasphemy? Won’t that make Kevin Youkilis mad?) Jose figures that one decent inning from DLowe in the playoffs would be about the same on the miracle scale, thus qualifying him at least for beatification, if not sainthood.

3. While the Red Sox appear to have settled on a four man rotation for the playoffs, be forewarned, the Melendezette has a bad feeling about this. As Jose has written before, four is very unlucky in Chinese culture, so her view would be that a three or five man rotation would be preferable. (Note: Jose hasn’t actually talked to the Melendezette about this, but he’s pretty sure this is how she would feel, and in Jose’s experience people don’t mind having words put in their mouths. Really. Though the superstition about four does raise the following question: What would she do if she found a four leaf clover? Is that good luck or bad luck?)

(Note: Jose may be held back tomorrow in order to set him up for the playoffs. We'll see.)

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.


Will Mosher said...

Long time KEYS fan, first time commentor here, just wondering if you've considered the DLowe-Fatbot from Futurama comparison. I linked it on my blog ( and gave full "paranoid android" credit your way

Anonymous said...

from Eric Neel's latest (
Come the postseason, you can bet nobody wants to face ...
Curt Schilling with the collective devotion of The Sons of Sam Horn, especially Jose Melendez, behind him.

Rattey said...

Jose can you see,

I can't attribute something to someone else that came directly from my brain. Congratulations on beating me to the punch on comparing DLowe to a paranoid robot. That's a wonderful thing. Thanks for reading and throwing a link up to the feature. It's always great to meet the fans out there.

Your buddy,

Chris Rattey