Sunday, April 10

4/10/05 - Clement XV vs. Li-lly, Li-lly

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. The vaunted Red Sox spin machine broke down this morning as Dr. Charles Steinberg stepped into some very turbulent waters on WEEI’s Sunday morning baseball show.

11:10 AM – Steinberg describes the Red Sox’s plans to have a large number of old players on the field in uniform for the ceremonies at the beginning of the opening day game.

11:12 AM – The insipid hosts complement Steinberg and the Red Sox for having the vision to invite old players back for opening day.

11:13 AM – Steinberg says (note: Jose was walking through Boston Common, and didn’t have a pad, so this is not an exact quote.) that he thinks every Major League team should have a “right of return” for former players.

11:14 AM – CLANG!!! The alarm bells ring in Israel and the occupied territories as the magic words are uttered.

11:25 AM – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas (note: also called Abu Mazen) holds a press conference stating that all Palestinians are descended from members of a 14th Century Major League team in Jerusalem called the Palestine Martyrs, and as such, all Palestinians have a right of return as confirmed by Dr. Steinberg. Moreover, Abbas demands that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays be relocated to East Jerusalem.

11:50 AM – AIPAC holds a press conference condemning Dr. Steinberg’s comments, calling for a retraction and asking Jewish Third Baseman Kevin Youkilis to public condemn Steinberg’s comments.

11:53 AM – Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon announces a plan to bring the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to West Jerusalem.

12:03 PM – The Government of Greece, still confused by Billy Beane’s “Greek God of Walks” comment, calls on Youkilis to condemn continued Turkish occupation of one-third of Cyprus.

12:25 AM – Blogger Jose Melendez fictionalizes an account of a Middle East controversy arising from Steinbergs comments because the situation in the Middle East is marginally less discouraging than David Wells’ performance thus far.

For today's complete KEYS visit

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