Sunday, April 17

4/17/05 - Wake vs. Kazmir

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

Jose spent a chilly evening at the ballpark last night sitting in the prohibitionary "family section," sections 32 and 33 of the left field grandstand, where a beer at the ball game is every bit as forbidden as the traditional crack pipe at the seventh inning stretch. But how does making it alcohol free make it a family section? One fan sitting near Jose pointed out quite rightly that if they really want it to be a family section, they should only charge $10 for tickets. No, in truth it is not really the family section, but the Women’s Christian Temperance Section. Actually, as long as they have a twenties mindset regarding alcohol in sections 32 and 33, perhaps they should adopt some other twenties features as well. Surely, no one would object to mandatory flapper dresses for women sitting there? And the concession stands are already a good approximation of bread lines anyway.

Of course with prohibition in effect in left field, the opening of a left field grandstand speakeasy is, perhaps, inevitable. Jose would love to be the left field beer baron, he just needs to come up with a way to sneak in enough booze to meet demand past Nobel laureate Steven Chin and the rest of Fenway Park’s crack security staff. (Note: With the last name Chin, shouldn’t Steven Chin be running the left field bootlegging operation? He could go by the name Stevie the Chin.) So far the only ideas Jose has come up with is putting a baseball cap on a keg and claiming it’s a kid in a wheelchair… which is just morally wrong, or some sort of deal where Jose claims that the keg is an iron lung that he needs to live. Obviously there is a reason that Jose is not yet a beer baron.

For the full KEYS visit

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