Friday, April 22

4/22/05 – Wake Catches TB Again

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose can’t stop thinking about this Gary Sheffield/Christopher House situation. He wants to; he’s not really interested in it; he doesn’t care. But people just can’t shut up about it.

What really gets Jose, as he mention two days ago, is that it is actually illegal to punch Gary Sheffield in the face. Come on!!! This is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, not the Commonwealth of Let’s Embrace Our Enemies and Be Nice and All Get Along. But there is a solution.

Under the Massachusetts General Laws, or Constitution or something, every Massachusetts citizen has the right to file a bill in the legislature. Your legislator doesn’t have to support the bill or even sponsor it, but he is legally obligated to file it under your name. When Jose worked at the State House, he remembers two such bills, one to “ban the teaching of the religion of secularism in public schools” and another to allow parents to decline to vaccinate their children even if they don’t have any medical or religious objection. So you know it’s good for serious mainstream issues.

It’s also good for getting things made the official state whatever. Jose has long wanted to file a bill that would make “They Came to Boston” by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones the Official State Ska-Core Song, though he worries it would face serious opposition west of 495. Jose’s brother Sam also had an idea to file a bill that would make it legal to punch someone in the face for talking on one of those annoying cell phone walkie talkies. It’s not that it would be illegal to use one of those phones, it’s just that if you did, other people would have the right to punch you in the face. This proposal is sort of the inspiration for Jose’s latest legislative idea.

An Act Relative to the Punching in the Face of Yankees Right Fielders

Whereas the World Champion Boston Red Sox are among the most cherished of Massachusetts institutions, the Commonwealth’s premiere tourist attraction and a source of great civic pride; and

Whereas the baseball organization know as the New York Yankees has long been the arch enemy of said source of civic pride; and

Whereas the members of said New York Yankees are known to be of low character, questionable hygiene and ill-temper; and

Whereas the members of said New York Yankees who play the position of right field have in the past assaulted citizens of the Commonwealth and are know to be motherfudgers; and

Whereas the doctrine of preemptive attack is an significant part of the public discourse and American foreign policy in the year 2005; be it Resolved that all citizens of the Commonwealth shall have the right to strike a blow to any member of said New York Yankees who plays the position of right field or has played the position of right field in the face without fear of prosecution. This statute shall be limited to blows to the face and shall not by misconstrued to cover blows to the groin, kidneys or back of the neck.

It may have some issues with equal protection under the law, but that could probably be solved by expanding it to left fielders. Other than that, it’s tight. Now if one filed this at the beginning of a session (note: the next one starts in December 2006) the Legislature would have to give it a hearing. Really. However, if we file it now, since it is a late filed bill, it would get sent to the Committee on Rules where it would languish unless we could get the Committee to report it out.

Still, if there are any Patriots out there with far too much time on your hands call your state representative today!

See the full KEYS at

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