Monday, June 4


It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Jose was asked yesterday which he planned to watch, the Democratic presidential debate or the Red Sox-Yankees game. It’s an interesting query and a challenging dilemma. Two of Jose’s great loves going head-to-head, politics vs. baseball. It’s sort of a shame that there wasn’t a new Marvel comics movie and WWF RAW on at there could have been a fatal fourway for Jose’s attention.

The decision was more difficult than one might think, as the debate and the game had a great deal in common. Thus, Jose had to go through a difficult calculus to make his decision. Let’s call it a hedonic calculus in the Benthamite tradition, because hedonic calculus sounds super cool, way cooler than integral calculus.
  • The irrelevance factor: Which has more bearing on the future, a debate eight months before the first vote is cast or a game between a first place team and a fourth place team 13.5 games out? Point: Democrats.
  • The irrelevance factor part 2: Who is more likely to have an impact in the next five months, the Yankees or Dennis Kucinich? Point: Baseball
  • Pitching: Who has better pitching the Yankees or the Democratic Party? Bill Richardson used to play baseball. Point: Democrats.
  • Lame media moderation: If Wolf Blitzer and Joe Morgan traded jobs would anyone notice? Who pisses Jose off less? Joe Morgan actually offered a good point on Papi’s inability to get power from his legs. All Blitzer has is a creepy beard. Point: Baseball.
  • Blonde ambition: Who is more ambitious A-Rods trollop or Hillary Clinton? While Hilary thinks women can find power at the polls, A-Rod’s mistress is certain women can find power on a pole. Point: Baseball
  • Exciting conclusion: The Red Sox-Yankees Game ends poorly, with an A-Rod Home Run on an 0-2 count. The debate ends with journalist Eric Alterman being arrested. Point Democrats.

So Jose added up the pluses and minuses, subtracted the demerits from the merits and, then watched the game regardless of his calculation. Come on, it’s Red Sox—Yankees, it only happens 18 to 25 time a year.

2. Jose knew A-Rod’s “mine” cry seemed familiar, but it took Jose a good three days to figure it out. “Mine” is the wholly owned trademark of George “The Animal” Steele. As you will recall, in his later years, the hirsute wrestler began carrying a hand puppet named “Mine” to the ring with him. So regardless of whether A-Rod’s play was “bush,” his trademark infringement was absolutely bush. (Note: A-Rod actually has a lot in common with Steele. Steele had a green tongue, A-Rod has blue lips, Steele was obsessed with Miss Elizabeth, A-Rod is also obsessed with coked up eye candy; it keeps going and going.)

And even if A-Rod was telling the truth (note: he wasn’t) and just said “Ha” that doesn’t get him off of the trademark infringement hook. As everybody knows, HA! was the original name of Comedy Central, and they had a major trademark dispute with Henson Associates, the Muppet company. With all of this trademark infringement, the next thing you know A-Rod will be rounding the bases yelling “I feel like chicken tonight” or “you deserve a break today.” Actually, check that. If he’s going to steal a corporate motto, it’s far more likely to be Pantene’s “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” To which Jose would borrow his cousin Sherry’s long ago response to those shampoo adds “We don’t hate you because you’re beautiful, we hate you because you’re a stuck up bitch.”

3. Congratulations to Bob Ryan on his column today which poked holes in the non-stop 1978 garbage that dominated the weekend series at Fenway. Ryan suggested that a better analogy is 1965, a year when the Yankees fell to pieces and stayed that way. It is a good analogy, but not the best. Jose would offer 1912, when another overpriced behemoth fell apart. Yes, Titanic is the perfect metaphor for the 2007 Yankees. Indeed, Jose can hardly wait until they kill Leonardo DiCaprio in the final game of the season.

I’m Jose Melendez, and those are my KEYS TO THE GAME.

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